Can someone please define "helicopter parenting" for me?

[ItNeverRainsBut]

So Helicopter Parenting is considered BAD. But where are the boundaries of Helicopter Parenting? How much is too much when it comes to checking up on your offspring? I don't want to warp my children by fussing over them. By today's standards, I had a lot of freedom as a child - in terms of being able to play outdoors without adult interference, roaming the neighbourhood etc, and so it seems to me desirable that children should be allowed to just get on with their own stuff. But then, a friend of mine recently told me about her friend's 4-year-old who died choking on a grape. And I think, God, if a child can die like that at age 4... and I start wondering if I should be cutting up grapes for my 3-year-old. Because I'd rather be derided as a Helicopter Parent than lose her. I know that some of the things I did as a child would have terrified my mother (she just didn't know about them!)

So where do you draw the line between overly fussy versus sensibly cautious?

Just do what YOU feel is right for YOUR child, people shouldn't deride others for their parenting styles anyway!

It's the difference between making a calculated and clear assessment of risk and responding appropriately and making no assessment and hovering around squawking about unlikely outcomes.

So, many people would say it's wise to chop up grapes for a 3yr old and many, many do because it's a clear perceived risk. Fine. As long as you're not standing over said 3yr old as they eat anything at all shrieking "CHEW... SWALLOW... CHEW... CAN YOU BREATHE?... CAN YOU HEAR ME... CHEW... SWALLOW."

Holding firmly to your child's hand and keeping yourself between them and the road when walking, sensible. Refusing to walk down certain roads and screeching madly at the cars to "SLOW DOWN NOW I HAVE A PRECIOUS CHILD HERE YOU MACHINED FOOLS", not so normal.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

And of course Fanjo is right. Your child, your parenting decisions.

You can't control everything though. A little boy at our nursery died. He got a fever and had an undiagnosed heart problem, nothing previous to indicate there was a single thing wrong with him. The doctor's described it as "a light going out". Great parents who adored him and did everything in their power to keep him safe and they lost him.

Helicopters are the types who are helping their 5 year olds on the jungle gyms designed for toddlers at the park. Or telling them to get down when they are climbing the rope ladders because they might fall etc. Or getting involved in even little disputes between kids when really they should be left to sort stuff out a bit.

There have been times when watching my DS that my heart has jumped into my mouth and my instinct has been to rush over and "save" him, but I think for his sake it is a good idea for me to give it a minute and see what he does (obviously excluding real danger). 99.9% of the time he can get himself out of predicaments and as he has gotten older and the predicaments have gotten more complex so have his responses, because he has learned along the way.

He went ice skating for the first time yesterday. I felt every crash, winced at every wobble and my instincts were screaming "He is too little, he can't manage, he is going to hurt himself". But I kept my mouth shut and let him get on with it. He learned from the falls and the the wobbles, he learned when they were coming and what to do to avoid them. After an hour he stopped falling over and managed quite a few glides. If I had given in to "helicoptering" I would have taken him off the ice and he wouldn't have accomplished anything, but he would have been "safer".

Helicopters IMO are as dangerous to their kids as Neglectful parents. Kids can't manage on their own for everything but if there is a chance they can then they should be left to get on with it.

Recently some parents have been to uni/first job interviews with their child
Or gone to the interview on their childs behalf

Some universities even have a 'welcome pack'/support system for the parents of the student

Tis crazyness

People have such different takes on risk. And most of us aren't very good at assessing it, either. Not compared to actual statistical analysis of what the real risk is.

Was struck by the different styles thing when I once posted about wanting to hover by the climbing frame in the park when ds was little but not doing it because it would be better not to cramp his style. Then someone else - who I know is a sensible person - said she did hover because she knew a child who had a very nasty head injury from falling off a climbing frame...

I agree with Morloth, Helicopter parents can be dangerous

I have always defined it as "parents constantly hovering" so not only are they supervising the chewing of food at mealtimes and the potential risk factor of falling off jungle gyms, they are not allowing the children to "just be".

Children need freedom to work things out for themselves. If they are constantly corraled and supervised how are they going to learn life skills necessary for later life?

Helicopter parents don't let their children take any risks and stifle independence.

At university dh's friend's mother used to travel up two or three times a term to clean her son's room, do his laundry and cook him 3 or 4 meals for the week. She also used to take dh and his friend's to task if she thought they were unfair to her ds (he used to leave his electric heating on all the time so was asked by the flatmates to pay a higher share of the electricity bill which she thought was outrageous).

I don't expect people will do actual risk/benefit analyses in every situation but I think countless times a day, you use the rational part of your brain in quite a complicated way to decide where your place is in any situation.

So a child on a climbing frame. You take in the height of the frame, your child, previous experiences, how wet it is, what shoes your child has on, how many other children are playing and their ages/sizes. It takes a split second to glance at a climbing frame and know whether you feel your place is happily standing back or being a bit close to help encourage independence or an actual 'no this isn't right for you'.

And of course everybody is affected by what they have seen happen to others and themselves. A parent who saw a child fall from a trolley would be more wary of them, my brother's dd has febrile convulsions so a simple virus to me would be a warning trigger to them.

I guess the balance is behaving appropriately according to knowledge and rational thought and not applying blanket protective measures to every situation and thereby stifling a child's natural abilities and independence.

It is perfectly normal to helicopter pre schoolers and SEN children but beyond the age of primary is where the problems can arise. I know quite a few of my teenage ds friend's parents who are too involved. A couple of his mates mum's (both have only children)who hover around them when their friends come over and ask questions when their child is out of ear shot. Questions on who they hang around with at lunchtime at school, if they have a girl friend and are they popular!!! These are the same parents that in the past used to invite their primary friends over and look in their book bags to see what reading level they were on.
I know this as my friend asked me if I did the same I was .
I was in my local supermarket the other day and some of the local cadets were bag packing. There was one of the mum's hovering in the background behind her son - he is 14!!! this will be the mum who will be attempting to gatecrash his job interview and give 101 reasons why her little darling should be given the job.

As I understand it helicopter parents rush in at the slightest sign their child may be in a difficult or stressful situation (in the eyes of the parent).

I read one book that called it "rescue parenting" when the parent, instead of helping the child develop coping skills and emotional maturity to deal with adversity or disagreemnts (even minor things like who gets first turn on the swings etc) rush in and insist on "sorting it out" like a "rescue" to protect their child from any situation where they might see any form of challenge. The parent seems unable to see their child encounter any sort of adversity or problem...they have an insane need to protect thir child, often from really very normal life experiences.

As a result such children are immature emotionally, cannot cope with difficult situations and very self centred as their "mummy" or "daddy" will fix it.

They also are rubbish at almost everything as they have never had to make any sort of effort and "expect" someone to sort it out FOR them.

It's no way to foster independence, self reliance or any sort of emotional survival skills.

I do know a mother like this, and I once asked her if she intended on accompanying her son on his first date and insisting the girl kissed him, otherwise her son would be so upset...

Heated My MiL still cleans SiLs (aged 42) house and does washing and ironing for her whole family . She tried it here a couple of times so I stopped letting her in.

I think that helicoptering comes about as a result of always assuming the worst will happen. When IME it rarely does. And if it does it's not always that bad.

My Mum and MIL take over when they turn up. I love it. Am always amazed by threads with women complaining about this. Someone else is cleaning the house - can't think of a downside myself.

When my mate was at uni his mum would travel up every Sunday and collect his dirty laundry, return clean laundry and do the week's worth of washing up.

When I went to university, I was rather scornful of people whose parents gave them a lift down, would have been astonished by anyone who actually did anything more than that. (Although my flatmate's Dad did turn up early at the end of term and cook us all latkas which were scrummy - this was definitely A Good Thing.)

Mind you, I was very glad to have left home and loved my independence, despite being very close to my mother and sister. And I had the advantage of having travelled on my own for years - had free rail travel thanks to my Dad's job so was used to making journeys on my own.

Tsk! tsk Riven! You just haven't explained to him the real benefits of helicopter parenting.

Apart from doing his laudry and a weekly internet shop to make sure he's getting his 5 a day, you will also be in regular email contact with his tutors for a regrade of anything below a 2:1 since they might not have appreciated the acuity of his ideas and you will, of course, be choosing all his friends for him.

I'm not sure if it is perfectly normal to helicopter pre-schoolers, myalias. I think the foundations of becoming independent are laid down young and you need to start allowing a child make their own (obviously very minor) risk assessments as they develop cognitively. I want my 2 YO to learn through experience that if he tips his chair back too far he will fall or that the climbing frame there is too big for him. Obviously I don't let him get into situations where there is a risk he'll badly hurt himself but I will let him have a minor fall. Otherwise it's like chucking a child in the deep end and expecting them to be able to swim

i am feeling awful now as I have never cut or peeled grapes for my dds- they started eating them at around 8 months i think

so much of this is down to your own experience i feel. i was helicoptered in the extreme, to the point i never went on a swing until i was 9 or so. as a result both myself and my siblings are totally rubbish at and uninterested in sports and physical activity, which is sad and unhealthy.

i was determined my dcs would be different- dd1 is adventurous and extremely physical and i let her climb/jump/run everywhere with no assistance. dd2 is a bit more cautious so it's a different story, but i still try to encourage her to be more independent and confident.

my mother is horrified. dd1 did lose a tooth at 18 months when falling down but so far that's it.

fwiw i also think parents who follow their dcs in soft play centres etc are mental, but perhaps i have just been blessed with gung-ho dcs...

Friends with younger children have looked askance when we have spoken about DD1 sorting out her own student loan,bank accounts etc.
I pointedly asked if they would like their mothers to control their finances?
I truly believe that you can do more harm than good by this behaviour after a certain age,tbh.
Plus,the accounts are in her name,not mine.She is an adult.