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Original poster

DH and I have no control over our kids and are desperate

69 replies

DespairingAndKnackered · 29/12/2009 15:51

We know we must be doing everything wrong but just don't know what to do anymore. Kids are 8 and under and are lovely, gorgeous, kind, friendly, helpful and funny kids some of the times. Other times they physically hurt each other, shout at us, laugh when we tell them off or argue when we ask them to help and have a fine line in slamming doors.

It is only for us that they are this bad so we know it is our fault.

I have no idea about kids but DH had a normal upbringing so doesn't have the same worries I do.

The kids used to behave for him and not me but now they will scream at either of us the same.

Just don't know what to do anymore as I know it is me that is the problem as they are probably normally behaved kids and this is what they do.

Rather than trying to work out how to get them to behave I guess I need help to handle them when they behave like I don't want as I lose my temper and just end up not knowing what to do.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 29/12/2009 16:57

Another thing is not to make the punishments last too far into the future. 2 weeks without chocolate will be meaningless, they'll have forgotten what they did wrong.

I don't really have any advice, ds was a little blighter till he was about 3 but just grew out of it. In those days, however, a short smack wasn't so unfashionable and although I didn't make a habit of it if he was misbehaving and after a warning I did slap his leg once or twice. His behaviour just calmed down of it's own accord.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, having 3 I guess they must egg each other on, and it's much harder.

Missus84 · 29/12/2009 16:57

I'm not sure about the mummy happy/mummy sad thing - I'm not sure small children think like that. You just need 4 or 5 golden rules that EVERYONE in the house adheres too, because that's how living together works.

Praising good behaviour also very important - how about a simple sticker chart, gain a star for good behaviour, lose one for ignoring a warning about bad behaviour? A more immediate reward could be the child with the most stars at the end of the day picks the bedtime story. If a child has more than x number at the end of the week they get a treat on saturday.

mumblechum · 29/12/2009 16:59

BTW studies show that there's no such thing as a sugar high, it's obviously not sensible to overload them with crap but sugar has been shown in experiments on children to have no effect on behaviour.

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mumblechum · 29/12/2009 16:59

Agree that the mummy happy/sad thing is a bad idea. What a guilt trip to load on them!

Original poster
DespairingAndKnackered · 29/12/2009 17:01

That's interesting, mumblechum, as I have been sure having chocolate or sweets does affect them as they have it so rarely.

It is so tiring all these things you have to remember!!

OP posts:
Original poster
DespairingAndKnackered · 29/12/2009 17:04

Why is it a guilt trip?

It makes mummy happy when you share, play nicely, etc etc.

It makes mummy sad when you figh, tell lies, etc etc.

The kids helped with what to put on the list and were very involved.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 29/12/2009 17:08

I just rememb er growing up (in as dully functional family as you can imagine), feeling quite wobbly at seeing my parents cracking emotionally in any way. Children are self centred little -buggers- poppets and feeling responsible for their parents feelings doesn't really come naturally to them. Far better for them to see you as loving but disciplining, rather than dependent for your emotional strength on their behaviour.

Original poster
DespairingAndKnackered · 29/12/2009 17:10

I get your point but when we did it they really didn't see it has happy/sad in an emotional well-being sense.

OP posts:
Missus84 · 29/12/2009 17:16

Mummy happy/sad kind of makes their behaviour all about the effect on you though, and splits mummy and children into two opposing factions. Might it be better to think about it as rules for every family member to adhere to in order to make your household a happy place? No one hits anyone else, or shouts at each other, or slams doors etc.

Earthstar · 29/12/2009 17:49

Re: your happy/sad list - In my opinion getting the kids involved in deciding how the family should work is great parenting.

Original poster
DespairingAndKnackered · 29/12/2009 18:43

3/4 hour of the kids watching Harry Hill, bath time, all in together and then the older ones start as the younger one as a funky new toy and doesn't want to share. Cue ds1 yelling at me, ds2 being precious, me wanting to cry and ds saying he is going out of the house early in the morning.

I used to have so much patience .

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 18:52

Anticipate possible scenarios where they will kick off and avoid them, like nothainv git where they all get in the bath at once.

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 18:55

an dI aagree that the mummy happy/sad thing is a bad idea. Chilsdren are not responsible for their parent's emotions and they shouldn't be made to feel that they are.

Nothing wrong with saying "I am unhappy because it upsets me when you talk like that" but not ok to say " You made me unhappy and upset by talking like that"

Ohforfoxsake · 29/12/2009 19:18

"They are lovely, gorgeous, kind, friendly, helpful and funny kids"

you must be doing something right

Original poster
DespairingAndKnackered · 30/12/2009 08:35

Thank you OFFS.

I have looked at our list this morning and it is actually things that mummy and daddy like/don't like so better than sad/happy. Memory is shot.

DS1 is testing us this morning.

OP posts:
juuule · 30/12/2009 08:51

"I am unhappy because it upsets me when you talk like that"

" You made me unhappy and upset by talking like that"

What's the difference?

juuule · 30/12/2009 08:57

I think the happy/sad thing isn't a bad idea as long as it isn't overdone.

While children's main aim in life isn't that they have to be responsible for making their parents happy they should be aware that how they behave has an effect on the people around them. That includes their parents. So making them aware that certain things are upsetting to people (yes, even their parents) isn't a bad thing imo.

seeker · 30/12/2009 09:06

I don't think it's a good idea to make children feel responsible for a grown up's emotional state. It's too much scary power, in my opinion.

seeker · 30/12/2009 09:08

"I feel unhappy when......" is very different to "You make me unhappy when you......" In my opinion, at least!

juuule · 30/12/2009 09:17

"I feel unhappy when you..." and "You make me feel unhappy when" are no different imo.

You are pointing out that something the child has done has made you unhappy.

SpanishCYBILwar · 30/12/2009 09:18

One blames, one doesn't

juuule · 30/12/2009 09:20

Which one doesn't blame?

midnightexpress · 30/12/2009 09:41

As an aside, can I ask those of you with 'house rules' what you do when one of the parents breaks the rule, for example by shouting?

Not that any of us ever shout of course .

OP, as the others have said, your children sound pretty normal to me, but one thing I noticed is that you seem to be blaming yourself (ie not you and your DH). How is he with the children? You say that you feel responsible when he shouts at them; why is that, do you think? That concerns me a bit. Do you think you are a good team as parents? Do you support each other in your parenting decisions? I think that's one very important thing; that your children see you as a united parenting team, iyswim.

StrawberriesandCherries · 30/12/2009 09:49

DandK, I feel very similar to you a lot of the time. I find that what worked last week with them, doesnt this week and it is sometimes a change of discipline that broadsides them and can work. As GM says, be consistant in that they will know certain behaviour will always be unacceptable, and have consequences, so they aren't confused by us parents being inconsistant and exasperating them!

Last week a friend of mine had to discipline her son, she said no computer for 4 days I think. Then her older son was winding him up, causing rows etc to make him told off even more. But this backfired on the oldest son as instead of her usual way of punishing her oldest she said to the younger "because DS1 has been winding you up, you are now only banned for 3 days instead of 4" cue shock on the face of ds1!! But then DS1 did the same again trying to wind ds2 up again and she kept to the same line and her DS2 was only banned for 2 days instead of 3!! I thought this was a clever way of showing both children that as a parent we reward good behaviour (her ds2 didnt retaliate when ds1 was annoying him) and ds1 now wont wind ds2 up again as he wanted him to have the 4 days ban (just like my dcs would!!!)

Hope i have explained that ok. It's a leraning curve for all of us, we havent been parents to them before, they havent been children to us before and every child needs different discipline that will affect them, but always consistant

SpanishCYBILwar · 30/12/2009 09:50

'I feel ...' doesn;t blame

'You are ..' blames

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