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Original poster

my dd doesn't like me and never has

29 replies

warthog · 20/12/2009 19:08

every day is another cycle of rejection and after nearly 4 years it's killing me. every day i get up with a smile on my face and try my best to not provoke an anti-mummy tirade. daddy is the bees knees apparently.

i've tried everything: not taking any notice, telling her that's not the way to talk to me, walking away, making (or trying) to make her laugh.

nothing works or at least it works for a little bit but then we're back to square one. today she said she didn't like my voice and wishes she didn't have to hear it. she only likes daddy's voice.

she doesn't like talking to me, but when she's with dh, i hear them having lovely conversations. it makes me really sad.

she is 3.75.

any coping strategies / tips please?

OP posts:

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notnowbernard · 20/12/2009 19:16

What does your DH do/say when she says stuff like that to you?

SixtyFootDoll · 20/12/2009 19:18

How awful for you WH.
Does DH tell her he doesnt like her speaking to you like this?

cornysxmasmuffmusic · 20/12/2009 19:21

She is still very young though. My ds1 was like this with his dad, now I'm the favourite parent. Ds2 the opposite and now he favours dh. Give her time and try not to worry.

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Original poster

warthog · 20/12/2009 19:21

well, sometimes he says 'that isn't very nice' but mostly just gets on with things. he does point out the nice things i do for her sometimes.

i need to work out how to not let it get to me.

today i had a vision that this is what it is always going to be like. that i'd have to psyche myself up to phone her when she's moved out of home and imagine her rolling her eyes when she sees it's me!

it's really getting me down and i don't know how to fix it, or if i can.

OP posts:

IBlameThePMT · 20/12/2009 19:21

You may have heard it all before but children usually take their angst out on the ones they feel more secure with and are good as gold with the ones they are not secure with. A back handed compliment in a way.

Also hostility is not unusual at this age, my DS frequently tells me he doesnt love me when I dont let him do something he wants to do.

But does your DH also pick her up on it if she is rude to you?

Also, does she see much of him generally or is it a huge treat when she does?

Is he nice to you himself..?

It is hard work when children are rejecting. You have my sympathy. I was convinced my DS1 didnt love me for the first 2 years of his life. All is well now (he is 4)

Original poster

warthog · 20/12/2009 19:21

how old were they when they changed cornysxmasmuffmusic?

OP posts:

BooHooo · 20/12/2009 19:22

That is so sad. DD does this to me sometimes but I just ignore and she comes running soon enough.

Are there ever any times she is affectionate toward you?

Original poster

warthog · 20/12/2009 19:25

she isn't really a shouty child, so she just says horrible things, mostly when he isn't around. 'i don't want you, i dont like you, i want daddy' or generally not wanting to sit next to me, only dh. she only wants dh to take her to the toilet when we're both around. not complaining about that!

dh is wonderful to me and to her. he never loses his cool, always calm.

in contrast dd2 adores me and is always so happy to see me. such a sharp contrast.

i make big efforts to display absolutely no favouritism, if anything, do more for dd1 than dd2. feel guilty to dd2 for not always giving her as much as dd1, and then feel guilty about dd1 that i find i don't like her very much when she's being so awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

warthog · 20/12/2009 19:27

i think part of it is that i tend to be the disciplinarian. dh does step in, but he is more inclined to let dd1 get on with things than i am. i have more of a long term view about behaviour. he says i'm too bossy. i try not to be.

OP posts:

cornysxmasmuffmusic · 20/12/2009 19:27

warthog - I think about 5/6 but I can't remember it was so gradual. DS2 especially was so clingy to me, even ds1 commented that he only loved me! For the last few years (he's 8 now) dh has been his hero and I am definitely 2nd place (for now - I'm sure they'll switch again!)

GooberChev · 20/12/2009 19:30

DD was the same at that age.
She is now 14 and my best friend.
Hang in there.
She loves you really.

Original poster

warthog · 20/12/2009 19:31

OP posts:

GooberChev · 20/12/2009 19:32

She does.

Tortington · 20/12/2009 19:35

they get nicer when they go to school

ell they aren't around as much as least!

SixtyFootDoll · 20/12/2009 19:36

She does love you DH
But can DH do a bit more to show how ssad it makes him feel when she treats you this way - because he loves you very much?

CrapSuzette · 20/12/2009 19:52

Not sure if this helps, but I clearly remember being that age, and telling my mum I hated her. It wasn't prompted by anything - she certainly wasn't telling me off at the time - I just remember feeling that I wanted to see what would happen if I said it. She very calmly said: 'That's very hurtful' and went about her business. I remember being surprised and a little disappointed that she didn't tell me off or get upset or anything. Presumably, not giving me the attention I certainly didn't deserve worked. I don't think I did it again!
I just wonder if your DD sees - or senses - your upset, and this gives her the impetus to get a rise out of you over and over again. I remember reading somewhere, too, that three-four year olds are notorious for telling their parents (usually their mothers) that they hate them.
Hang on in there. It's easy to say stay calm and try to appear as unmoved as possible, but I really think it's the best way to deal with her behaviour.
As it was, I loved my mother very much. Looking back on how I felt at that time, I do wonder if telling her I hated her wasn't just a way of testing limits, but a way of handling the intensity of my love for her; that rejecting her was the only way I could handle the scary fact that I needed her so much.
And Mum really did become my best friend. We talked about everything. She died 15 years ago, and I still miss her every day.

piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 19:54

She loves you-I am positive of it. Maybe she picks up on the fact that you need her to love you. I would get DH to acknowledge there is a problem and include you- and all do fun things together.

faffmaff · 20/12/2009 20:11

I'm sure I saw a House of Tiny Tearaways on this, and the solution was that daddy had to keep showing how much he loved mummy in front of the kid. There was a more to it of course but that was what really helped... dunno if that might be relevant?? Good excuse to get more cuddles anyway!!!

Original poster

warthog · 20/12/2009 20:11

thank you all for your posts. it means a lot.

yes, i think we could do more together. dh tends to take her and i deal with the baby.

well she told me i was her best friend when i put her to bed although i've heard her say that to a few people

i think you're all right - it will pass, and i do suspect it's to get a rise out of me sometimes. i just mustn't let myself get riled!

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 20/12/2009 21:46

Maybe spend more time with her on your own, and let H sort the baby out.
Maybe its her way of showing that she is feeling a bit left out by the baby?

minxofmancunia · 20/12/2009 21:54

no advice but you have my sympathies my dd who's 3.3 has been like this with me since she was 7 months old and although it really pisses me off i've just had to learn to live with it. Feel dh encouraged the favouratism in a way so feel quite angry with him too sometimes.

Just let them get on with it now, tbh i'm a bit sick of making the effort to be liked. She knows i'm there for her and i love her, maybe one day she'll come round as will your dd too hopefully.

Dalrymps · 20/12/2009 22:04

There was a situation just like this on that program 'the house of tiny tearaways' once.

It's interesting that you say you're more likely to dicipline her etc

The advice this family got was that they had to basically present a united front. It partly to do with the fact the little girl got away with a lot more with her dad than her mum and he let it happen. It was also to do with the fact he didn't pull her up on it every time when she was not nice to her mum.

He needs to do 50% of the diciplining. He also needs to show her he won't tolerate her being 'not nice' to you every time he witnesses it.

The girl in the program wasn't happy with the new arrangement at first. She tantrumed a lot but gradually accepted that she couldn't play her parents off against each other and started to build a lovely close relationship with her mum.

It wasn't the little girls fault as such, it was just the situation she had gotten used to and that had been kind of allowed to happen and gotten out of hand.

The dad didn't make much effort to change things as on some level he enjoyed being the 'wanted' one and getting the positive attention.

They did things like leavig mother and daughter alone to play and do crafty things. If the girl just asked for daddy then daddy would come and play but only if the girl would agree to play all together with mummy too. If she still refused the dad would stay with mummy and giver her a cuddle instead of giving the girl attention for her tantrum and would just say to her to come and join the cuddle so presenting a united front and not accepting any 'favouritism'.

Don't know if any of this is helpful to you. Their situation sounded more extreme than yours to be fair, little girl would just scream nearly every time mum tried to do anything with/for her.

I'm sure that no matter what she says she loves you deeply. She is only young and they have funny ways of dealing with things/showing emotions. I have no doubt it will get resolved and long before she's moved out of home

Original poster

warthog · 21/12/2009 14:51

i think there's some elements that are similar. i do think my dh enjoys being in no. 1 spot - who wouldn't?

things have been quite good today, long may that continue!

OP posts:

Dalrymps · 21/12/2009 22:32

Well, i'm not saying he's enjoying it on purpose or anything, just that it's hard not to feel good about being the favourite so to speak. Also, being in that position might make it hard for him to fully appreciate the contrast and how hard it can be for you...

Glad today has been good

butadream · 21/12/2009 22:46

I am on maternity leave and 3 and a bit year-old DS has recently started to say "I don't like you" and "I'm not your friend" but it feels as if this is linked to spending more time with me as disciplinarian and that he is testing the waters to see what will happen - depending on the context I normally say things like, "oh well, I love you" or "it isn't my job to make you like you, it's my job to love you and look after you and that means telling you off when you do [X]".

Weirdly I remember my mum saying the same things to me but I can't remember saying "I don't like you" etc. to her but I suppose I must have done!

30 odd years on we speak pretty much every day - don't lose heart warthog!

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