How much domestic stuff does your other half do/did with new baby?

[missslc]

I am currently off during day on mat leave- a few days to go so i am doing most of domestic chores and hubby has meal ready when he gets home at 7.30- 8 pm each evening. I end up washing up the next morning as i just feel too tired at 9 pm to do it once i have sat my huge bloated body down on that couch.

Just adjusting to this new labour division- in the past hubby made some attempt under direction to do the washing up the next morning when we both worked full time.

Now i accept he is out working all day and i am at home and am managing to relax lots during the day.BUT

I just have this feling that it will be quite full on with a new baby and that i made need some sort of input from him.

Do others on here get much help from partner with any chores when you have/had a new baby?

I cannot believe that i can feel such irritation and resentment over something so petty but it would be really nice for him to just wash up now and again as a token gesture or at least move his plate off the table to the sink!

if i ask him to do anything he makes a joke about him being my 'gofer' which just makes me want to punch him. I am pregnant and it is a physical strain towards the end and i just think he should be offering to get the occasional drink or(last night it was the duvet as the room was so cold)rather than being clever with me when i ask for something after i have presented him with a meal, washed up, laundered and
ironed his clothes. I think his view is that he has been at work all day and he should not have to do any work at home now that i am there all day- and i do understand this but when baby comes what is it reasonable to expect someone who has been out of the house for nearly 12 hours to do? I just think that a newborn will mean that i will be pretty much working during the day too!!

How much do your other halfs do??

hi misssic I am a week away from due date for 2nd dc so not in quite the same position as you but I think you need to talk to your husband before the baby arrives and see how he feels about it. much better to talk now while you have the chance and are more clear headed as once baby arrives it's all just different and you will both be tired and irrational. personally I think he should be helping you a bit with the cooking and washing up and if you ask he might surprise you, I think a lot of men would prefer we say something rather than expect from them, bottle up the feelings then give them hell (well I tend to do that anyway!)
I think I am lucky with my dh as he's a real doer and is happy to muck in but I appreciate not every man is like this so I guess you need to ask him and see - but please make sure you do it now. my dh is happy to put washing on, clear up dishes, cook, empty dishwasher, change nappies and since I've been pregnant get up in the night for my ds sometimes!! when our first baby arrived he would do anything if I asked but you will find that mums tend to do most things as we get more and more practise and it's easier to do it yourself rather than ask someone BUT again, try to leave the baby with him as much as poss as this will train him up early and make your life easier - not everyone will agree with this but worked for me, now I can go away and leave dh to it as he's had lots of practise

My husband did hardly anything, and I was totally worn out with both our children. I found it too hard to explain to him that I needed help, I was too exhausted. But every tiny little thing that I wanted him to do was just such a a battle and ended in a row - in the end it was less exhausting to do it myself - or, as in most cases, not do it at all ;) I remember cooking and doing laundry with the baby in a sling, absolutely ridiculous, but that's what I did.

I used to frown at my SIL before I had kids when she had her daughter because she hadn't the energy to cook and clean and asked her DH to do it - I feel so ashamed that I actually thought she was being lazy!

You will NOT have the energy to do anything but look after your baby, that is 100 % true.

You must try to have a chat to him about this - it is hard to imagine, but having a baby is really hard work.

Welcome to the 1950's.

It took us ages to sort this one out. I thought we had a pretty good modern marriage - domestic chores were fairly equitably shared. We cooked on alternate nights, each did our own ironing, grocery shopped together more often than not.

Then I went on mat leave and riccocheted back to my grandmother's life. He suddenly seemed to expect that he could put his feet up of an evening - although, to give him his due, he never articulated that nor accused me of sitting on my arse all day. But it was an unspoken and insidious assumption.

It wasn't until he did his first day in sole charge of the baby that he realised quite what I was doing and we began to make inroads on the redivision of labour.

(He was very attentive whilst on paternity leave and did all the washing and cooking. The trouble started when he went back to work.)

Good luck with the negotiations!

my dh is pretty great at doing half of everything, it may not get done to my high standards but at least he makes the effort.

when i was preg with dd1 i felt so bloody terrible that he would work all day then come in and do the tea/dishes.

when preg with dd2 even though i felt lousy i did all the housework during the day when he was at work then he would take over everything when he come in at night.

since dd2 was born the whole bath/bedtime/tidy up routine has been his, its not that i am a lazy cow that spends all my time sitting down its more that he knows that the dc are half his so he is just as responsible for them as what i am.

The division of labour totally changed in our house after our first child was born.

1. DH did a hell of a lot more
2. We had to lower our standards greatly. More ready meals 'very quick recipe' cooking and an 'as long as the house isn't dangerously filthy and I can see the floor it's OK' approach to housework!
3. We hired a cleaner

We have two children now and both work.

We take turns to cook./ We look at our week and decide who should cook when and which nights we are just both going to be too shattered - then we can do a reheat job or make an omelette or whatever.

We share the laundry and general tidying pretty much equally.

And did I say, we have a cleaner ?

Be clear about what you want early and don't let yourself fall in to just doing it all yourself. If you have cooked a meal in the evening, it would be fair for him to help you clear up.

Some women fall in to the role of martyr and see it as their role, it isn't. Especially once you have had a baby, you will need as much help as you can.

Don't listen to people who will tell you that he is working blah bah blah. You were both working before and managed to help each other out, you will both be working hard after the baby arrives, so there is no reason for you to stop working together in the home.

Yes you will do more as you are at home more of the day, but what doesn't get done is yours to share.

DH probably did more once dd was born - I made it very clear that my priority was looking after dd (was bf so spent a lot of time sitting on the sofa with her attached) and anything else that I achieved was a bonus.

We are now both working - although he does about 60 hrs a week compared to my 25. I do laundry but he irons his shirts and puts away. We share cooking. I have a monthly meal planner so its easy to see what needs doing.

I do need to prompt him to do hoovering etc as he just doesn't see the clutter. He generally does more washing up than me but fails to see the logic in emptying the dishwasher at the start of the day. Generally I'll ask him to do something and he will do it - I was afraid of sounding like an old nag but he does need me to remind him.

i think you need to discuss it with him now, before the baby arrives. if he thinks it's ok you do everything now, when you have a big bump, he's going to think it's ok when you have a baby too.

My DH ended up doing loads more than me whilst I was on Mat leave, despite already working an 80 hour week! He, thankfully, understood that feeding our very large, hungry boy meant being pinned to the sofa 24 hours a day! Also, as I had to feed DS during the night , he felt it was only fair for me to have help with washing, cleaning etc. He'd even cook large batches of shepherd's pie etc. on his days off, so I could just reheat and eat.
We would have sunk in a sea of dirty washing if he hadn't put a wash on/ sorted dry laundry when he got home at mignight. Poor thing. We were both knackered but he thought that he should look after me whilst I was looking after DS.
Show this to your OH so he knows what standard of care you will be expecting!
Good luck with the new baby

Thanks everyone- i am planning to have a chat and i am fine with doing all the chores at the moment as i recognise i am at home all day- i think it is just his reaction when i ask ( because he just does not think to offer as he does not notice) for what i think is a small thing- simply because i am so uncomfortable that once i sit down on the sofa it is really hard work physically getting up- he cannot just get me a glass of water- i'm not even asking for a cuppa as we have no kettle as we have just moved house- he has to make a joke or remark and i guess i just feel hurt as in the final week of your pregnancy i don't think it too much to expect someone to just help you with things that are just so much harder for you to do because of your physical size.

I have had a chat about how the clever/funny remarks are really not helpful and that it is actually quite hard work being preganant in this final week. I think we can have a chat about what will be fair and reasonable once baby arrives once i feel a bit less irritated. I am sure this is an eternal struggle. Men just don't seem to be naturally inclined to do any chores at all if they can avoid it- like they are just not wired to care or notice and i do appreciate that.

My dh did almost everything once dc1 was born (I was pretty much bed-bound for the first 2 weeks) and kept on pulling his weight once back at work. It did mean I had to roll with his slightly lower different standards (colours mixed up in the laundry, haphazard approach to washing up) but I bit my tongue and he kept everything rolling.

I think you need to sit your dh down now and have a fairly honest chat with him about how much help and support you will need, and how much emotional support you will require in addition to actual doing stuff. Sounds like he just hasn't quite clicked yet...

Good luck

I do, and did, most of the chores in the house. (I work 2 days a week). I would say about 90% of cooking, 80% of cleaning and 80% of washing.

I have a slightly different take on it all and it is not a 1950s view (too much). I guess I did feel that as I was at home more I should do most of the chores. He does do some, but as he does work hard during the day the last thing he wants is to come home and face a load of dishes. Yes, I am working too when at home with the dcs but I also have tons of fun going to meet friends, toddler groups etc. so I don't mind doing more about the house
When I do go out to work, it can really depress me to have to come back to a pile of crap waiting for me if he hasn't been to work (occasionally happened). He knows if he has a day off work he needs to clean a bit and do the washing.
Probably will be in a minority there, but it works for us.

YOu need to think about what will work for you.

My DH has always been quite crap at getting the housework done, but has always made a big effort with DIY, car maintenance etc. When I first had DC1 he helped a lot when he was on paternity leave, but then when he went back to work we found it better for him to help with DD rather than the housework. I know it sounds sad but I actually look forward to having some of my own time, even when that 'own time' is spent in the kitchen clearing up and cooking dinner.

So now DH takes on the childcare as soon as he walks through the door (although to be fair it mostly involves watching cbeebies and cuddling the baby!). He baths the DCs and gets them ready for bed whilst I sort the housework/tea.

It works well for us!

With my first DD my DH got up and made me a cup of tea everynight when I got woken up to feed the baby He also did some of the washing, cooking etc and the shopping as I was housebound for a while. I think when the midwife said 'no housework, especially hoovering for 6 weeks' he took it to mean him too but I couldn't moan.

With DD2 I got a couple of cups of tea, he did some washing and the shopping with DD1.

With DD3 he did some of the shopping when Tescos couldn't deliver and a few loads of washing when I got desperate.

Within 6 weeks of having each of them I was doing everything as I am a SAHM and he works long hours.

DH did everything that needed doing that I hadn't done because I was feeding the baby or resting. If it needed doing, he did it. Same as now.

A long time since mine were babies, but dh did a LOT. Not just domestic chores, he did a lot of the baby care too. It's really only breastfeeding that the bloke can't do as well as the woman.

My DH was also pretty good - I was bedbound for 2 weeks after DS1, but he held it together (albeit almost at the cost of a personal breakdown). N

ow we both work- I do about 65% of the total office hours but about 50% of the cleaning & cooking. However, when he's home he's a more involved parent than me- plays patiently with DS, takes him interesting places etc, so I don't begrudge that there's sometimes laundry and washing waiting when I get home- I'd rather know DS1 had a great day with Dad, then was bored in front of cbeebies for hours to a background of hoovering.

We also have a cleaner/ironer 8 hours a week which I could not live without. Strongly recommend it for the heavy stuff if you can possibly afford it.

My laptop is pink. Bright pink rather than baby pink. I got it because I wanted it to represent girl power but sometimes I think I should have got a red or green one.
I blame pregnancy hormones!

Sorry- completely wrong thread!

When DS was tiny, DH and I had an agreement - he did the washing, cooked dinner, did internet grocery shops. I looked after DS, walked out somewhere everyday, and put the dishwasher on. At the time we had a cleaner once a week, so that took care of that.
We actually wrote down what we committed to do so that there was no nagging, it was just there, and that worked well for us.

Worked great for us, then when I was back at work we divided things up again to get through the first hectic months

Thanks everyone- i am happy to do the housework at the moment as i accept he is at work and i will try to do as much as i can when baby arrives- but i think it is just a case of him not really getting that being pregnant at the end is just physically uncomfortable so if i ask him to switch the outside light off, (or bring me a glass of water)- which i switch on so he can get into house more easily it is just a practical request as once i have sat down after serving dinner it is sometimes painful getting up- and because he reacts every time I ask, i just have this concern that if he doesn't click now that i am asking such small things for practical reasons- because i certainly ask him to do things i could do myself before, is he going to click when i have a small baby that i am going to be asking him to do things as he simply does not see what needs doing or is used to me doing all those little domestic things that go on to run a house.

I will definately have a chat- i am just amazed at the way resentment makes you feel towards your partner- he is so fantastic in other ways and i am suprised at my level of irritation towards someone who i have so much love for. Maybe its the hormones and the sheer discomfort of pregnancy but I for the first time in my life can understand how that mounting resentment you hear of in relationships is so destructive. I will pick my moment for a chat.Life is too short to have such things get in the way of being happy but they somehow can do!!

For the pregnancy thing, it might help to show him a pregnancy book, or if you get any of those pregnancy-stages emails, to forward them to him. In my experience men seem to find it much easier to accept if there is a book telling them just how knackering pregnancy can be, and how much you need to be resting/they need to be helping, than if it's just you "whinging"! It helps to set their expectations.

As for DH, well when I had DS it was a c-section so he had to do EVERYTHING pretty much for the first few weeks, except BF of course! At the start he would even get up in the night to pass me DS for feeds, as I found it hard to sit up in bed at first, and then he changed his nappy afterwards.

Later on I took over the "night shift" as he had to get up for work, but he still helped lots with cooking, washing etc. We also got a cleaner!

Longer-term, the fairest distribution usually seems to be where you both get roughly equal amounts of "downtime" - so it's not fair for him to get in from work and chill out all evening if you are still up and down feeding, settling, cooking etc. But this should really only kick in once you are past the physically exhausting stages of pregnancy and immediately after the birth! - until then you may still need more "rest" time than him to help you recover.

My DH is really good with the baby and I generally dump offer DD to him when he gets in from work so I can run around and finish all the little jobs I didn't get done. I also make a point of being honest if the day has been bad so he knows I've not been sat around. Especially good to give DH screaming DD so he knows what it's like

For meals, we cook together and I just ask him to help me with x y or z. DD goes in the baby bouncer or bumbo.

Giving him a choice of something to do to help also works. So he either sorts washing or baths DD etc, therefore we both do jobs at the same time and then are able to relax together later.

why are you killing yourself ? your job during the day should be the baby , sleep ,cook for yourself any washing can be done at night time , any cleaning during weekend while he is at home , fold clothes while you watching oprah soak your feet in hot and salty water when he gets home and makes a pasta , but in all make a routine for your baby when he arives, I have had two and I learned the hard way , it works, mine always give them a bath and put them in bed , make big meals and freeze them do not stress yourself for a thing you already lost enough iron darling

I have always done the majority of the housework - mainly because DH commutes and I work locally hence even when we were both full time I had a much shorter working day than him. I would say that since DS was born I still do the lion share of the housework and pretty much all the cooking. Dh does do some stuff but not that much. BUT, he does do a lot of parenting. We split the nights equally and have done since DS was born, and he will quite happily take over for at least one whole day at the weekend so I can get stuff done or go out. We takes turns to go out in the evenings (when finances allow!), and if DS cries when we're sitting watching TV having quality time of an evening it's 50/50 who will get up first. That makes a massive difference as it makes me feel like housework is my job and parenting is something we both do, whereas I think a lot of mums feel that parenting is their job 24 hours a day and the housework on top is just too much IYSWIM.