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Parenting

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Original poster

I am scared

38 replies

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 09:22

I have posted so much about how I am making a hash of things with my kids. I didn't have any parents so no idea what I am doing and having been ill after every pregnancy, and being so desperate to give my kids a better life than I had, I seem to have lost any idea of what is the right thing to do or have any instincts to listen too.

My main problem is my 8 year old. I love him so much I would just die without him but he infuriates me with his behaviour so much.

Our flash point at the moment is from when we need to get ready for school (shoes, bags, coats). He can't seem to just get in the car without winding up his brother or sister and cheeking me. We both say things we don't mean and I am just so sorry they have me for a mum.

I know I have depression but that is no excuse.

I need a mum.

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GooseyLoosey · 30/11/2009 09:32

Fab - I think that the way you feel is entirely normal for someone who reflects on the way they parent.

I too struggle in the mornings with 6yr old ds and end up sounding like a fish wife despite vowing each time that I will remain calm.

I have a great relationship with my own mother and, generally, view her parenting as good (although not perfect). A few years ago she said to me that she used to go to bed each night reflecting on all the mistakes she had made as a mother that day and vowing to be a better mother the next day. She saw it all so differently to me and I think that this must be fairly normal.

Don't worry so much about what you are doing and have confidence in your parenting and the fact that you love your children very much and are trying to do the best for them. Also have the confidence to say to them when you have gone too far "sorry - I went too far, I should not have behaved like that".

moonmother · 30/11/2009 09:34

FAB you don't need a mum, your doing GREAT.

I had a wonderful upbringing, great parents and I have EXACTLY the same thing going on every morning with my 9 yr old DD.

Every day I have to make sure her bag has everything, even though it's one of her jobs to do, every day I have to ask her to go and get her coat and shoes on 2 minutes before we walk out the door, even though we leave at the same time every day.

Every day, she winds her brother up just as we are going out the door, then winds him up some more on the way to school.

Every day I have to stop and wait at every corner waiting for her and her friend to catch us up so we can cross the road.

She winds me up, and when we get to outside her school, I end up just giving her a kiss and saying Goodbye in a rush rather than wishing her a nice day. In our case I blame hormones,lol.

I blame hormones is my new mantra at the moment (her's not mine)

Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 09:35

Thank you Goosey.

I always apologise when I have been wrong though DS1 won't aways accept a cuddle. Sometimes he tells me how great I am but I can't understand if he feels like that he can't do as I ask.

Is love enough? It is more than I had but I worry.

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Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 09:36

moonmother - how do your kids react to you? Do you shout? My plan today is not to shout at all.

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Poledra · 30/11/2009 09:40

Fab, I have a lovely upbringing with 2 parents who loved each other and us very much. I still yell at my kids. I still go to bed regretting things I did that day. I vow every morning to be a better mother. I have no excuses - I do not have a chronic illness, I had a good upbringing, I am financially secure with a loving partner. I am, however, only human.

That's what I keep telling myself. And the very fact that you are thinking about how you behave with your children and identifying the flash points shows that you are a good parent.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 30/11/2009 09:40

my dd is only 3 but INFURIATING when it comes to getting ready to go out. the only thing that even vaguely works is to be fully-dressed before breakfast apart from a jacket.

and fab, gazillions of people with a full complement of parents feel this way. have you read 'how to talk etc'?

Poledra · 30/11/2009 09:40

Sorry if that sounds smug - I don't mean it to be

Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 09:41

Poledra - I didn't read it as smug at all.

I have the How to talk book and have started reading it and making notes. I need to read it some more today.

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Cherys · 30/11/2009 09:42

Fab
What you describe is so normal. Most mums shout before kids get off to school - though most don't admit it.

If you want a mum, maybe it's worth looking at some parenting courses - at least you might meet other mums like you who want to do better by their kids. If you are depressed your GP might be able to recommend one nearby because lots of local health authorities run these to help parents going through difficult times, or who are isolated.

I used to feel so guilty at getting wound up by my boys but in the end it was easier to just admit I made mistakes and try my best. The calmer I am, the calmer they are (usually) and most fights can be resolved with a cuddle and explanation on what got you so mad.

Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 09:44

I have a wry smile now just thinking how my kids are so not scared to yell back at me. I was terrified to speak some days.

I do tell the kids I love them and are doing my best and apologise for making a mess of things and then they tell me I am great.

SO WHY WON'T YOU BEHAVE THEN?!?!????!?!

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IdrisTheDragon · 30/11/2009 09:49

I generally have at least two days a week where I turn into a Wailing Banshee. Leaving to go to school is a key flashpoint.

Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 09:51

I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing it isn't just me and appreciate so much no flaming or not again posts.

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moonmother · 30/11/2009 09:53

FAB - I don't shout and wail at them , but my voice does get noticably louder , by the time we've got to school.

The problem with DD is , she had just gone upto middle school, it seems her and her friends , now assume they are capable of being more independent. DD and her friend are allowed to walk along one road on their own to and from school, were we meet them. It's just a case of them thinking they are older and mature enough, when in fact they are not.

Not just my DD, I have to say, I've spoken to DD's friends Mums and we're pretty much all having the same thing happening.

I will sit down and have a proper conversation with her when she gets home (again).

trefusis · 30/11/2009 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 09:58

I vaguely heard about the Waltons when older but not as a child as wasn't allowed tv but I think you are right about me wanting what I thought was an ideal.

I remember being about 10 and thinking I would get married at 24 as even I would have found someone who wanted to marry me by then and have a baby at 26. I always wanted to be a stay at home mum. I thought it would be easier than working.

As it is, I married at 27, babies at 29, 31, 33. I am a stay at home mum but nothing like I thought I would be. DH is lost at times with what to do too.

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Crocky · 30/11/2009 10:06

'SO WHY WON'T YOU BEHAVE THEN?!?!????!?!'

Because they are kids and getting ready to go out is boring.

This is exactly the time my 9 yo decides that winding up his little sister is a brilliant idea.
I would hate to imagine what the neighbours think of me as I always seem to open the front door whilst shouting at him.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/11/2009 10:12

FAB I really don't think you are a bad mum, just one who is honest. I too had a brilliant childhood and one that I wanted to repeat with our dd. She is such a little bugger though, most mornings I end up like a harridan. She won't do as she is asked and it is getting harder to like her. I do love her enormously but hate her behaviour. She is constantly manipulating (or trying to) situations between me and dh who, idolises her. A couple of days ago she threatened to leave home. I not only went and got her a bag, I gave her some money for thebus. That isn't the actions of a rational and resonsible and loving mother. Do you think that your ds is entering puberty and having some sort of raging surge of hormones? That is what I am putting my dd's behaviour down to, although she is only 8.7.

sorryimlate · 30/11/2009 10:14

Mornings are shit! We all shout in the morning! I think we might be seeing a light at end of a long long tunnel just now with dd1 - she is 10 and sometimes actially puts her shoes on without me asking. Although usually with no socks... so I have to send her back upstairs for socks, which when she eventually has them on, are odd. (Can't be arsed to get her to change them and she doesn't seem to care so that is a victory ime!)

You are doing fine. And you know what, if you are a big enough person to apologise when things get out of hand, he will learn that from you and there is no better lesson than to take responsibility for your actions. So well done on that one.

Are you on medication? Seeing a counsellor? depression is hard hard hard I only had it short term, but it was awful.

Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 10:15

DS is 8.8 and I didn't think hormones were a factor yet but I am willing to be told I am wrong.

I tell him to go on then when he threatens things - to leave, go home from school with some one else, etc.

I am off to do the ironing now. I got told off for not doing it yesterday but they all had uniform for today. He then wrote a note asking to not do it as he wants to do it but I am not happy with him ironing and just want to get it done now. He will shout at me for that when he gets home.

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Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 10:17

Yes, on AD's and seeing a counsellor. Don't feel it has had any concrete effect in helping yet though.

OP posts:

Lancelottie · 30/11/2009 10:17

What worked for us was...

secondary school, and the improbability of the bus waiting while he teased his sister/found his other sock.

Oh dear. Only another three years to go, then?

sorryimlate · 30/11/2009 10:19

Offer him another chore? A fun (ish) one like spraying the bathroom clean?

Hormones are definitely a factor - I think 7-9 is the hardest time cos they are too young to be like a young adult but think they are sooo grown up and are bloody know-it-alls. Seems to improve after that though.

Remember that you are the parent and it is not his place to shout at you for doing/not doing things. You need a few boundaries with him I think and he needs to respect you as his elder...

Do you work?

sorryimlate · 30/11/2009 10:21

I think it will help in the end you have to get to a point where you're at peace with your lack of parental influence as a child... I am sure you are a great mum though, seriously, you sound likea really nice person.

Btw I meant 'work' as in paid work, we all work our asses off with or without a written contract and hourly rate!

Original poster

FabIsVeryLucky · 30/11/2009 10:32

I am a full time mum so always here. I do a lot for them, they do very little. Even asking them to tidy up ends up in trouble - hence my thread yesterday about them all being in bed at 5.15pm.

I do ask them to do other jobs but they want to do what they want, it isn't about wanting to help me.

After Christmas they are getting pocket money so I am hoping that will help though resent that they will only do as I ask if I pay them.

Ds wanted a quid for something yesterday - something very small though I can't remember what exactly.

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AitchTwoToTangOh · 30/11/2009 10:38

who wrote you a note and told you off?

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