I am scared

[FabIsVeryLucky]

I have posted so much about how I am making a hash of things with my kids. I didn't have any parents so no idea what I am doing and having been ill after every pregnancy, and being so desperate to give my kids a better life than I had, I seem to have lost any idea of what is the right thing to do or have any instincts to listen too.

My main problem is my 8 year old. I love him so much I would just die without him but he infuriates me with his behaviour so much.

Our flash point at the moment is from when we need to get ready for school (shoes, bags, coats). He can't seem to just get in the car without winding up his brother or sister and cheeking me. We both say things we don't mean and I am just so sorry they have me for a mum.

I know I have depression but that is no excuse.

I need a mum.

Most mornings are Hell getting ready for school, it's the absolute low-point of my day. Best trick I have found is to allow 20 minutes for coats/hats/shoes. Honestly 20 minutes. And then we go out the door evenn if we're 18 mins. early. Sounds silly, but means I have time for any last minute delay/row/sacred lost toy search, and worst that can happen is we get to school 20 mins early.

My DS1 is also the bolshiest least considerate or self-sufficient of the lot, too. It's normal if infuriating at this age 4 them 2 deliberately wind up other kids.

You asked is love enough? Not quite enough on its own I think, but almost. For a child to know that they are loved and to love in return gets you a long way towards being a good parent.

You also need common sense. There is no such thing as the mythical perfect parent, no matter how other parents may seem to you so there is no perfect parenting way you have lost sight of. Just try and apply some common sense to your confrontations with your son - get ready 10 minutes earlier. Make him responsible for more - I particulary hate sorting out the dc's bookbags and then I realised - I didn't have to - they could do it themselves.

My other top tip when things are getting out of hand is to imagine a TV crew there filiming your parenting. Act like the parent you would like them to film rather than how you feel. Not easy I know!

Give the ADs time. They can take a while.

Fab, you could be describing my children too!

Dd1 is 9 and will never get ready in the morning. She also loves winding up her little sister, and we have a yelling match most mornings. Dd1 would far prefer to hang out in her PJ's until 10am, so getting dressed to go to school is not a great draw for her.

It is very hard to get dd1 to do anything for us at the moment. If I ask her to help about the house, eg. set the table for Sunday lunch, she often runs out of the room in tears and tells me that she hates me, and why does she have to do everything in the house!

Trust me, this behaviour is difficult but normal.

My dh said to me the other day 'I didnt realise you had left this morning because I didn't hear you shouting'

It was my 8 year old who wrote the note and told me off.

I have been on this set of ADs for 3 years.

I do allow extra time so I am not calling them because we are going to be late though I do tell them that will happen if they don't get on. I just don't know what happens between DH going and then me calling them to get in the car. They are fine, then bam.

I guess I need a hormone book to add to the pile of books I haven't had chance to read yet. Should be a great Grandparent.

"SO WHY WON'T YOU BEHAVE THEN?!?!????!?!"

Whoa there Fab - perfect parenting (if it did exist) does NOT equal perfect kids.

Try and get everything ready the night before - in fact your ds is plenty old enough to make sure everything that can be put in his bag is. My ds is 10, and i spend my life reminding him to do things that I have told him 100x already to do. Its the way they are - doesn't mean there is no respect for parenting.

I am a bit worried about you telling him to go when he says he wants to leave. Not a criticism, but how will this pan out when he is a teenager, and you have disagreements? How about a nace and calm " Thats a shame you want to go - I sure will miss you"

And stop apologising for your parenting. Imagine if the person responsible for your whole life kept apologising etc. I know I would feel rather unsettled. I do believe in apologising if I am out of line, but at some point you have to take a deep breath and (even if you don't feel it) show confidence in your own parenting.

My parents were crap, and I know how not being loved as a child leaves a great big hole in your life that you are forever trying to fill - but you are loving them, you are doing the best you can - be kind to yourself!!

"nice" not nace.

Just read that back and it sounds really critical - I don't mean it to be. I guess what I mean is just to give yourself a break!

Everything is ready as I have done it, all they have to do is get their shoes and coats on.

have a look

Thanks purpleduck.

I have been without internet access since soon after my last post and it has been agony.

I have shouted less. The kids haven't been angels but I have tried to stay calm...

I'm new to mumsnet, so hello everyone.

I came on here looking for a discussion on bad responses (parents) to bad behavious (kids). It's so reassuring to hear that you're all having the same problems as me. In my case its my 3 yr old DD who won't do anything I ask while getting ready for nursery. So I end up being irrationally angry with her. But I think like all the posters here, I believe that as long as you apologise if you over-react, and talk to them about what's happening, they'll be ok. And as long as you're aware of doing these things, and want to be a better parent it already shows that you are a good parent because you care enough to worry.

Anyway, I saw a reference to the "how to talk" book and did a quick look on amazon and can't see what book it is. Can anyone enlighten me? Thanks

It's called how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. OR something very similar!! Welcome to mumsnet