I just don't know hoe much more of this I can take I am at breaking point

[roslily]

My ds is 12 weeks old. He has/had colic. As in I thought it had settled down but the screaming is back.

Anyway, the last week he hasn't slept for more than half an hour at a time, it is killing me. LAst night he did 3 hours which is good for him. But he hardly sleeps in day so I can't catch up on any sleep.

I was trying the whole EASY routine thing, but it is just stressing me out more. He sleeps in sling, sometimes in pram (not for long though) but every one keeps telling me that I need to get him sleeping independently or I will never get him sleeping properly, and will still have to use pram when he is two (I get a lot of rod for your own back comments)

Tonight he had a bath, then screamed and screamed unconsolable. Refused bottle 9so hasn't eaten since 4pm)I swaddled him and put him in cot in the end as I was crying so much. He just went quiet and I assume he has gone to sleep.

I just don;t know what to do anymore. I am so crap at this. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with him when he is awake and feel like I spend the whole day trying to get him to sleep. I spend loads of time crying at the moment.

Add to this my husband, won't do nights as he "has to work" and has ME so doesn't want a relapse. My family live 200miles away. Ds was an accident, and I refused to sdo anything but keep him do husband keeps saying "well you wanted him" and "its your job"

Sorry this is long and rambling, I feel wretched. I am already on citalopram for PND. If it wasn't for my ds I would have topped myself by now.

Polyanna - What are the symptoms of dairy intolerance in a baby?

I am in Leeds. I think tomorrow I will just forget routine and go with flow again.

I think I held too much onto the promises that it all gets better at 12 weeks.

I have a white moise CD which works 50% of time.

I have given him calpol, think it makes some difference. Think he probably is teething as he chews on his fists a lot.

Have tried cranial osteopathy, but not much difference.

I was feeling so much mroe positive recently but in the last few weeks have suddenly dropped again.

Ok love, I was hoping you would be near me, as Id have said come over for a coffee and a chat. I understand how hard it is, I have severe depression, and had a son with nasty colic that went on and on and on until I walked out otherwise Id have thrown him through the window. Horrible to say but its the never ending squeal that almost drove me to hurt him or myself. Luckily I found MN, had a great OH and family around. Dont attempt to do anything at the moment. Let the house fall apart, eat ready meals, and watch films/tv. Your baby does not need stimulating, you need to get through the next 2 weeks. Keep chatting on here and take your anger out on us lot.

Sorry to repeat myself but just wanted to make sure you hadn't missed my suggestion of putting him on his tummy?

I have nothing to add about the crying but wanted to suggest that you get out of the house for the day, without the baby, as soon as you can. It will be good for your dh to look after your son and experience what you go through every day and I'm sure it will do you good.

My dh was a fuckwit too to begin with. It took several months and lots of tears from me before he realised that he had to take more responsibility. He's actually very ashamed now when he remembers how little he used to do. I hope your dh gets his arse in gear soon.

Saw the tummy thing. I tried it earlier and he just lay there kicking his legs upwards and his head trying to get up! Not sure he likes his tummy. He has only just accepted tummy time, that also used to make him scream.

roslily just poking my head in the door to offer my heartfelt sympathies. FWIW, if you were nearer, I'd have come round and helped out - made you a cuppa , made sure you drank it, baby-wrangled for a while.

It's shit isn't it ? But it will get better.

My DS1 started teething at 3 months too.

hi roslily, i really feel for you - my DS had a couple of weeks of maximum 1 hr at a time sleeping - I was in tears much of that week.
can you persuade your DH to take him for a few hours one evening/weekend, to let you sleep? explain that if he doesn't, he may not have a wife much longer - I did this to DP, and now get at least 1 3 hour sleep a week!
or can you go and stay with your family (if they are supportive) for a while, just to get some help? (oh, and does swaddling help at all? my DS fought it initially, but now when he's really fractious, a tight tight swaddle does calm him down.)

Roslily try 'sitting' your DS in a V ( Boopy) pillow as being much more upright may be soothing to him, also prop him up in the pram and rock it / run it over a edging strip / rug edge as babies can find this soothing.

I second what Mamavoo and arolf say about your husband. He is this child's father and Cannot leave you to cope on your own.

You've probably already thought of this, but are there any friends who you could ask to help you for a few hours in the day, evening or even night? In my experience, people do want to help (and at the end of the day can either say yes or no) but probably don't know how dreadful things are at the moment. Just not feeling so very on your own will make a major difference.

roslily ignore everyone who is telling you you have to sort this out now. Your son is 12 weeks old. At this stage you must do what you have to do to get through the days. It's far too easy for smuggers to say "oh yes well of course I never did [blah]", half the time it's bollocks.

Babies don't grow to a timetable, go with what works best for you. Where are you in Leeds? My ds is 4 now but happy to meet up if you would like to offload. I work in the town centre.

Poor you. Ignore all 'rod for back' comments and all guff about self soothing. Take a by any means necessary approach.

Have you tried white noise? You can get CDs of white noise, I think, but I used to put DS in his buggy and park in front of a a switched on tumble drier.

Have you put him in his buggy and rocked back and forth very fast? Or with a steady rhythm?

Does he sleep in the car?

Do you feel like you are able to read his cues? Do you know when he is just starting to get tired? This is the point that he is most likely to go to sleep, not when he is already knackered.

Your Dh needs to pull his finger out! You need help. You need a break. You NEED sleep, at least a little more than you are getting right now, or your depression will get worse.

Print this thread out. print out some stuff from the internet. take your DH to see your GP. he must understand that he has to take this on board, if he cares about you at all.

Roslily just to let you know my DP was a right knob when DS was born, sadly it seems quite common for men to go through this in the early stages... I sympathise! He really regrets the way he reacted now and is a fantastic Dad.

I second what others have said - try to forget the routine. I had that baby whisperer book and used to beat myself up that it wouldn;t go right, but these early days are far more about survival. There will be plenty of time when his colic/reflux has settled down to get in to more of a routine. I didn't really start doing anything specific until DS was 6 mths, he was a dire sleeper until then and I had all the negative comments, but he's grand now so no rods for my back!!

Good luck - you will get through it

Thanks. DS hates teh car, screams a lot which makes long journeys impossible.

I don't think I can read his cues at all. He seems to yawn randomly, so not much help and I don't know what else to look out for. I basically try not to let him be awake for more than an hour before tryig to get him to sleep.

What happens if you don't try to do anything. If you just let him sleep when he wants to, be awake when he wants to? What would his natural pattern be?

I really feel your pain, btw. I had crushing PND after the birth of my first child, which I'm pretty sure was triggered (or at least made ten times worse by) severe sleep deprivation.

oh you poor thing. reminds me so much of my time with ds1. like pp, i had crushing pnd. he never slept for longer than 45 minute stretches (i exaggerate not) and even then it was only on me/in a sling. and he screamed, my god he did not stop screaming. i was a mess. my relationship was a mess. it was truly awful. but it DID pass, and i promise it will for you too. i have to be honest, it took over a year for ds1 to really settle down a bit, and it took me until he was 2 to feel 'normal' again (i see it as the an integration of my old pre baby self with my new mother self, if that makes any sense.)

my advice, for what it's worth:

DO NOT listen to the rod for your own back crap advice. i never 'taught' my ds1 to sleep, never left him to cry or used any other 'technique'. i stayed with him,slung him, rocked him, walked him, fed him, did whatever it took to soothe him and to get him to sleep. it was sooo hard to not cave into the rod for my own back stuff but he is now almost 4 and sleeps beautifully every night and has done since roughly 18 months old (except when poorly).

DO NOT listen to the 'it will get better at 6 weeks/ 3 months/ 6 months' advice. however well meaning, i found those milestones came and went and made things even worse for me when there were no signs of improvement.

Talk, talk, talk to whoever will listen. however exhausted and rubbish you feel, try to get out even just for a bit. a couple of my nct friends were a godsend for me, even though none of them ever really knew the extent of how awful things were for me.

How was your birth experience? mine was traumatic for both myself and my ds1 but it was only when pregnant with ds2 that i started to think/talk about it and looking back i think it had a great impact on that first year. i think it would have really helped me to have been given the space with a midwife/hv to go over what happened.

my ds1 also had reflux. gavison also made him constipated. we perservered with ranitidine
and i had an everything-free diet while bf. for us, it was just a matter of time and growing out of things. afaik, it can take a good 2 weeks for an allergen to fully leave the system so i might be worth persevering with new milks etc. my ds ended up on pepti junior. i would insist on a referral to a gastroenterologist who could at least try some new medication and hypo milk with you.

good luck to you, you are not alone.

"I basically try not to let him be awake for more than an hour before tryig to get him to sleep."

Why???

Could it be that your forcing him to sleep when he is not tired is at least part of the problem? And that he sleeps too much in the day and so isn't tired enough at night to sleep long stretches?

Ok, someone told me they shouldn't be awake that long. HV suggested that perhaps colic was actually overtiredness. If I leave him he stays awake. Once he was awake from 6am until 11pm, no sleeping- I kid you not the child is super-human. But during this time he became more and more ratty. Crying, screaming, kicking, headbutting, going red in face with frustration.

At least when I tried to get him to sleep in day, even for 30mins he smiled for first time (10 weeks!) and didn't cry all day.

He never even had that sleepy newborn phase,. The first night home from hospital he screamed all night.

My birth was traumatic fr me. I was in early labour for 3 days, then 2 days in hospital, never getting beyond 5cm. They put me on drip and his heart rate dropped, failed ventouse and then forceps. I had flashbacks of it for weeks.

I have decided to go back to going with flow. Thanks for all your wonderful comments. I was happier when I just went with it and took him for walk in pram if I thought he was tired.

hi, my heart goes out to you as I know how hard it can be. My 2nd baby cried for 4 months! Anyway, have a look on these websites - there is help out there. Hope this helps. Take care

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

Try different sling positions, he may be comfier much more upright etc.

It's about survival when you have a screamer, I returned to work to get a break from mine (an undiagnosed silent refluxer) She was also happier hung in the baby bouncer - the fisher price aeroplane one, she like the pressure on her tummy whilst being upright - didn't actually bounce in it as too young!

My first child was like this, roslily. He was wide awake from birth and a very alert child, always on the go. It was very wearing.

You need a break, big time. I agree with CarGirl that it's all about doing whatever you can to get through.

Do you have any family or friends that could take him for a morning / afternoon and let you sleep / have a long bath / eat cake in peace?

HUGS

So sorry to hear you feel this way. Nothing feels bearable when you're sleep deprived and have little support. I felt like you for similar reasons.

Like other mums have said - he may well have reflux. My son did but wasn't diagnosed for months and it was hell. he threw up everywhere too and hated feeding. He was also on Hipp Organic. I've heard since that it can make their stomachs very windy so it might be worth trying another formula - one of those designed to be easy to digest or maybe a non dairy one?

Ranitidine helped, so did infacol.

Hope you don't mind my saying this but don't listen to any advice from people who haven't been through what you are going through. Shut them up as soon as you can. The last thing you need is smug mums telling you how to get a baby to sleep when he can't sleep because he's in pain.

Whatever you can do to make life easier for yourself, do.
I hope it helps if I tell you that although I was off my head with sleep deprivation and my son was ill and screamed for years, we came through it. He's big and bouncy and happy and easy going now - loves his food, and to be honest, I'm a happier mum than I would have been, because I feel glad of the ordinary things every day. You'll get through this, and when you have, everything else will seem extra good in comparison.

Hang in there.
xxxx

Another one for reflux.... the only way to diagnose (without intrusive stuff) is to prescribe and see if it helps. Go to your GP and don't leave without it! I was fobbed off time and time again, saying my dd was just miserable, she was left untreated for 8 months!

Roslily - I hope it's helping hearing that you aren't alone in this and that THIS WILL GET BETTER. The difficult thing is you often pin all your hopes on a stage, or a treatment and when that doesn't work you feel like nothing will. I was feeling very smug for a few weeks after dd started sleeping through (I think at about 3 months) and then wham - she started being a nightmare sleeper.

We resorted to a few different things. I did a 2 week (!) pram campaign. I would take her out for 2 hours at around lunch time and walk and walk. Sometimes she cried - most often she did sleep for a least an hour (at which point I would collapse on a bench or coffee shop to get some rest). And that got her into the habit of sleeping during the day. It DID NOT create a rod for my own back! When I tried her back in her cot (with a dummy) she did settle after just 2 mins of crying and now sleeps for an hour to two hours at lunchtime which has had a knock on effect with her night time sleep (she is better at night when she has had a good rest in the day). She does also have a morning sleep.

I didn't have to deal with the relux issue - and I'm so so sorry you are.