Talk to me about being the parent of 10-16 year olds please?

[LoveMyGirls]

Our eldest is 10 going on 16.....

We're starting to think about things like:
Later bedtimes
Sleepovers
Going out alone
Being at home on her own
Being taught to cook
Periods
Having boyfriends

I'd love to hear how you cope with all this stuff as it's all going to be new to me and I'm still stuck with my fingers in my ears going la la la la la and nooo she's my little girl, she's only 10! But all this stuff is creeping up and i want to be prepared so come on hit me with it.......

How old were yours when they started all this stuff? Any advice?

I really don't want to give too much or too little because I know once I have said she can stay up late or go out on her own etc there is no going back! eeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkk

It looks as though we're really strict with ds1's bedtime! He's nearly 14 and on school nights has to go up at 8 for a bath then bed at 8.30, lights out by nine. However this is slightly flexible if there's something on he wants to watch (and we approve of it) and weekends are much more fluid, timewise- plus we know he stays up later on his laptop/ipod in his room.

He watches tv in the kitchen, rather than in the sitting room with us for several reasons- a) he only ever seems to watch reruns of Friends/Scrubs/Two and a half men and we think they're boring b) he talks all the time, especially through programmes and c) it's our 'alone' time a a couple.

We are, though, planning on redoing our kitchen and moving the tv, xbox,wii etc into the conservatory, adding a sofabed etc and making it into a 'snug', primarily for his use. Although he occasionally has friends over to stay now, the plan is that he can have them more frequently then, staying on the sofabed.

Originally we had plans to renovate the unused garage into a games room but I don't think we'll ever actually get around to it....

Oh and sex (for us, natch!!) happens after both kids are in bed and asleep. If we're still awake enough. We also try to make sure to go out on our own as often as possible- but we're lucky enough to have adoring GPs nearby who babysit at the drop of a hat.

I have a 13yo dd and a 9yo ds and I have to say that I think this growing up lark is (mainly) fun. It doesn't have to be all misery: I find I'm a person who really enjoys them at this stage. Dd is possibly a little quieter than usual due to poor health, but in the main she seems a sensible person.

Your points:

Later bedtimes: 8.30 for the 9 yo, 13yo usually goes up at the same time of own volition; though if she stays up longer I would remind her of her need to sleep rather than command a set bedtime.

Sleepovers: been having them since they were about 4 and even with the 13yo have not got to the stage where we start getting worried (of course teens are more worrying than 4yos). She is socially confident so I doubt that she'd be pushed into any silly behaviour just for fear of displeasing her friends

Going out alone: 9yo goes down to local shops and walks home from school (since age 8); 13yo allowed to go into town on the bus in daytime alone or with little brother

Being at home on her own: both allowed this and 13yo often has to due to poor health and my working; neither wants to be left at night though

Being taught to cook: not got as many cookery lessons in as I intended, but both 9yo and 13yo can do the basics (I knew more at their age)

Periods: talked about this on and off since babyhood; she started at 10, seemed perfectly capable and hasn't been a problem

Having boyfriends: doesn't seem terribly interested, and I get the impression that when they do have boyfriends most of them don't do a lot

Once your child starts secondary school there will be a big change. For me the major thing is one you haven't mentioned and that's using the interent. They need to do so for homework but they are exposed to porn and worse as a result. Consider now how you will manage that!

Later bedtimes -amazed how early people send their children to bed. Don't remember how long we managed to hold to 9p.m but as they move(d) towards 16 it became 9.30 then 10 p.m on school nights, sometimes later at weekends. On sleepovers its 3a.m if they sleep at all (although I've usually tried putting the lights off before that they put them back on).

Sleepovers - have been doing these since about age 6.

Going out alone - start with letting them out in daylight with friends. move on to daylight alone/summer evening with friends. We are only just moving to after dark with friends.

Being at home on her own - again start with 5/10 minutes while you are next door and gradually increase the times.

Being taught to cook - I wish! Have had a few lessons at primary school and no interest in doing anything else. I force them to e.g open cans of soup, cook a stir-fry, make a pizza.

Periods - some girls have started at 10 so you need to get on with this. Make it clear there's a wide variation in age.

Having boyfriends - if they have I've not been told about it. We have had various chats about sex as and when something comes up. We watched the sex education programmes on TV together, you may be able to find them online. They are too frank for some people but a useful start point for discussions.

DD1 is 10 1/2 here is what we do so far:

Later bedtimes : discussed with her, will happen when she finishes year 6. She will get 1 exta hours downstairs with us.

Sleepovers: so far she has only been to two different people (several times) that we know and trust. I think sleepovers work on the basis that you are confortable with who she will be going to whatever her age is.

Going out alone: She goes on her own to the local shop and is allowed on her own pretty much anywhere on the estate as long as I know what her destination is (which friend or what park...) and that it is daylight. In the winter the curfew for her is when it start to be dark enough for the streetlights to light.

Being at home on her own : I have tried that with her during the day if I have to go to the shops or something but she does not like it, she worries too much. Her brother is younger but more confident on that side of things.

Being taught to cook: I have been cooking with all my children but DD1 can now do simple pasta dishes on her own and she also makes fab cups of tea!

Periods: Started to talk about it with her recently as she asked about puberty. She is taking it in nicely but still have the occasional giggle when we talk about her body changing shape.

Having boyfriends : as Cat64'Dd, mine has shown no interest in boys other than for friendship and is distancing herself from the girls in the class whose favoutite topic is boys.

I have a 10yo boy and a 14 yo boy, and here's my take on these things:

Later bedtimes bedtimes adjusted every six months or so. Both go to bed later than we would like a negotiated settlement

Sleepovers -- they've had these since 8 or 9

Going out alone -- DS1 started going to town alone with friends in Year 7. First of all with lifts and many injunctions to use mobile; gradually more hands off

Being at home on her own -- an hour or so from Year 7 onwards

Being taught to cook -- always done this. Under supervision. But DS2 is sensible so will probably cook some stuff alone from about 11. Making cups of tea alone from around 9ish

Periods -- phew, not my problem! But DSs very well-informed re periods
Having boyfriends/girlfriends -- Even my 14yo has shown no visible interest in this whatsoever, and I definitely avoid making them feel they should have any interet. The only thing I have said is that sexual partnerships must be based on consideration and respect (and ideally affection too).

think T-l-D (teen- led-development)
dd1 - 17 (18 in jan) stays out late, goes to clubs with friends, can run house if she needed too, absolute dream of a daughter, always happy to help with younger kids.never had any trouble with her.she had part time job since she was 12.
ds1 - 15 , little toerag . recently been caught chatting up two teenage girls at same time will babysit (for 10 mins),if bribed.
dd2 - 14 , sneaks out, boy daft, no thought to phone her poor old mum if shes going to be late.... is very good at excuses , and extracting money from parents, but very good with younger kids.
dd3- 11 , excells at school , stays over at best friend for sleepovers, pretends she hates boys , but has a "boyfriend" (shhhh im not supposed to know about that ).still plays with brats dolls , obbsessed with computer games , not very domesticated....still needs shouted at gentle prompting about hygene/showers/hairwashing.
ds2 - 9 , total clown....sports daft...all social contacts are football related - hates girls- in particular his sisters , who he loves telling tales on - (see above , who do you think told about dd3s boyfriend?) thing to remember is they do things when they are ready too.... just watch them ... when they do, you'll know..... teenage ? ts like toddler revisited at times! , but they are basicly pack animals who crave other teenagers - so you get some peace when they escape out! ... as long as theres food, theyll come back.

Mine have been left alone since they were eight or so--for short periods of up to 20 minutes to start with, and then for longer. Now, at 11 and 12, I have left them for up to 90 minutes up to 8.30pm. My daughter isn't entirely happy when it's dark so we avoid it if we possibly can. My son would be happy alone until much later.

Both have travelled alone on public transport. They were 10 and 12 the first time this happened.

The 11 year old has lights off at 8.40pm and the 12.5 year old at 9.15pm.

I love your post drlove. Really warm and informative and reassuring. Gives me much hope!

Am I the only one who actually likes having a teenager and accepts the fact that "couple time" will be pretty limited for a while but all too soon she will have left home and we can have all the couple time we want? I think you have to work even harder at creating some sort of family bond when they get older and watching TV separately in two different rooms isn't going to help?

I like them! I've had a bad cold and they keep asking me if I feel OK. I can send them in on the bus to the supermarket and to change my library books.

And they clean up after the puppy, too.

I like hearing their accounts of what happened at school and the daft things they and their friends have done.

deadworm , that pretty much sums it up... have lots of hope , a bit of trust and a well stocked fridge !
did get a shock with ds2 yesterday . tried to give him "the talk" yesterday evening !
he cut me off and said " i know mum, the thingy goes up the watsit and it makes an embryo- your a bit late they told up at school" i was like this ->...DH was like this ->.
dd2 & dd3 were pmsl .

No Seeker - I love having my teenagers too! (well one 13 one 12) They have got to this age so quickly it seems - the next few years will fly by and before I know it they will be off at University only coming home with bags of dirty washing!
My boys have their own room with TV computer, sofa bed etc etc - but it is only ever used to do homeowrk on the computer! They watch TV with us - always eat with us - perfect time mealtimes to have full converstaions about sex, periods, contraception, politics, climate change etc etc etc We still spend lots of time watching films together, playing board games going for walks out on bikes etc
It does mean my husband and I tend to go to bed later as we still like some time to chat etc once the boys are in bed - but we can still make plenty of time for the two of us - particularly as now we can leave the boys at home in an evening to pop out for a meal etc - so it isn't really that hard - just different.
I am giggling at the number of you saying that your daughters at 11,12,13 etc have no ineterest in boys!
My 12 yr old has been "asked out" 3 times in the last week. He is very reluctant saying he just wants to be friends and get to know them better but it seems many girls at this age are very keen. He did go out with one girls whose mother was very shocked to learn that it was actually her daughter who instigated the relationship and not my son! She also did the "dumping" ! It does seem that these things go on a lot behind the parents backs - all very innocent at 11/12 - but I do get the impression that the parents are unaware! Thankfully my boys are quite happy to tell me most things and I do get to hear some quite interesting stories!

I think dd was about 11 when she forbade me to discuss her on mn without explicit permission. So I can't contribute that much to this really - but teenagers are fab. Keep communicating with them and all will be well.

Not the only one at all Seeker. No one has said otherwise. My concern about my boys going to bed too late is only their inadequate amount of sleep. Course I love having a teen. The high grunt-rate in DS2 only makes his occasional kind/affectionate utterances more precious.

DS1 I mean. DS2 is routinely hugely loving.

You're not the only one, seeker- you can't have read the thread properly. There are people out there who enjoy teens!

Just to point out- ds is never 'banished' to the kitchen to watch tv- it's his choice. If we're watching a film or something that he wants to see he comes and watches with us (so long as he doesn't talk ALL the way through it).

We also make it a habit to play a board game with him at the weekend.

He hasn't had a girlfriend yet, afaik (and he's quite open about these things) but I've talked to him about safe sex, infections, pregnancy etc for a couple of years.

Also he hasn't shown any interest in going out after dark yet and he isn't keen on being left home alone after dark either- but the situation hasn't really arisen as we have ds2 to consider, who is only 2. He does, in the summer, meet friends at the park in the day and will be out for a few hours. (Mobile has to be switched on at all times though).

Has only travelled on public transport a couple of times with friends and even then only the train and a couple of stops. He's had no need to yet.

Ds1 is quite young for his age though so I expect more requests to stay out late etc will be forthcoming soon.

And yes, of course I love my teenager and I like his company- but he likes his own company and a fair bit of solitude, like I did at his age, and I respect that.

Thanks so much this is really helping, I'm very nervous about the teenage years, I know I was a nightmare as a teen and dd1 has been full of attitude for a few years now and it gets to me at times (mostly when I have PMT I have to admit)

I am starting to feel excited about whats to come, you hear lots of advice on parenting young children and not so much on older children/ teenagers/ young adults so any advice is very much appreciated.

I know I can be strict because I worry if I don't lay the ground rules and have respect from dd then how will I cope in the next few years?

We have dd2 who is only 4 so we won't be going out for meals in the evenings even when dd1 is 12/13 because dd2 will only be 6/7 so I do worry a bit we will lose time together and will end up in our bedroom trying to get some time alone but I should be embracing the next stage in our lives, I want to enjoy it.

Can you tell me all the good bits about being parents to older children?

I'm starting to see some:
Being able to do things with them on a friday evening, like in the summer we'd go to the beer garden for an hour and the other week we got some goodies in and watched a film together.
Carrying less baggage when we go out
When they are both old enough to go on everything at alton towers
Having both of them to help tidy up
Dd1 being able to nip in the shop while I wait outside
When Dd1 slept at her friends dd2 stayed with grandparents (so dd1 was happy, dd2 got 1 -1 with grandparents which she never has and we got a night off)

well their lives are very interesting so when they chat it's much more fun than talking to younger kids. If they'll let you, shopping with them is fascinating - they'll broaden your sense of style & maybe even lend you their stuff on a good day. If they enjoy cooking, then every now & then they'll surprise you with breakfast in bed or a cake or even dinner.

You could take some family meals out all together while she's younger which will be fun & enjoyable, & before you know it your dd will be only too keen to babysit your dd2 for some extra pocket money while the two of you do stuff.