I am getting an 11 year old boy..

[Makipuppy]

DP and I are taking over legal guardianship of his nephew who is an orphan. His parents died when he was 8 months old and he has been brought up by DP's mother who is lovely but incapable of even the mildest telling off. DN has a very close relationship with DP and after some initial upset, he is happy about coming to live with us and excited that he'll be big brother to our DS, 9 weeks.

I think the next few years might see a few problems come out - the death of his parents has never been discussed and I'm only guessing but puberty often sees these things come out, doesn't it? His behaviour at school has been quite bad recently and he had two 'naughty notes' last week. He's bright, but not thriving academically. We'll be taking a tougher line on homework, bedtime, etc. He's done exactly as he pleases so far so I think this will be a shock. Also he has been materially quite spoilt but we won't be able or even think it a good idea to buy him expensive stuff outside of birthdays and Christmas.

He has just started a new school in year 7 in a different city, so we are in the process of getting him into a school here.

Would it be better to make the change now and start him at his new school in January, on an 'if it's got to be done the sooner the better' basis?

Can anyone recommend any books that might help me?

Does anyone have any experience or indeed input of any type on this situation?

I'm feeling woefully ill-equipped and a little bit scared, mainly because we have to get it right from the off...

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to say wow you sound like you and your DP will be wonderful parents.

All the very best of luck, what a wonderful selfless thing you are doing

No advice, but you sound lovely and I'm sure that he will thrive with you and your dh. I remember you posting before about taking guardianship of him.

Much luck.

Thanks guys and that you remember me Wonderstuff! No doubt I'll be posting daily when the time comes, I think perhaps it will be easier to ask for help on specific issues. For now I'll just hold on to the fact that he's just a little boy who needs unconditional love and consistent rules..

wow, what a melting pot you have arriving.
this id going to be a rollercoaster for you all.
my son sounds very much like your dn. spoilt by GParents. he had to change schools a few times, an absent father, and a stepfather who came into his life at 9. he got into trouble at school aged 11 and it all went downhill until he reached 16. thankfully he is ok now but the one piece of advice i would give is too stick together whatever. make sure you and your Dp are agreed on rules and expectations ,
you are being thrown it at the deep end and tweenagers are so confusing.
even they dont understand why they behave in certain ways . well done for being brave and doing this for him, lots and lots of luck to you all.

I remember you posting about this before.... One thing I was wondering about is if it is feasible for your MIL to move closer to you as well? I'm sure she will
miss your nephew terribly (and he her) if she has raised him since he was a baby.

Hi NancyB,

Well, when we first talked about it with Gran I threw that one in but it doesn't seem like an option. She works full time and owns a house.

To be honest, I think it might be best. We've had trouble getting her to stick to a plan. Initially DN said he didn't want to go, didn't want to leave his friends etc. and Granny immediately called us and said, it's not going to work he doesn't want to. We had deliberately presented it to him as a fait accompli because we didn't want him to have the burden or responsibility of rejecting or abandoning granny. We had a job getting her to stand firm and now he's excited about the idea. She also wanted to say that if he didn't like it he could come back and I want to avoid this too, because we think it will stop him settling in. So if she lived here I think he might play us off against each other. There are going to be tough bits, he's really misbehaving at school and doing absolutely no homework.

DP (who understands her parenting better than anyone!) said when they were little they were in the middle of buying a really great house a mile or so away but pulled out of the sale because his little brother said he didn't want to move .

Luckily, both the schools in our area are very good and the council have said that as he is a 'looked after' child they will be pretty much bound to put him in one or the other even if they are full. I've no experience of this but I do think that if we get the school right we are half way there.

Granny said the other day that many feelings are surging to the fore that she has been suppressing, regarding her ability to bring DN up and she feels massively relieved that we are involved.

She will miss him terribly. The poor lady lost her daughter (DN's mum) and her other son is so far off the rails we may lose him too

This is why we HAVE to do a good job.

Ihatethecold I quite agree. DP is much stricter than me and I'm keen not to do the good cop bad cop thing. We need to find middle ground together.

The tough thing is there's a step-parent aspect here because he's known DP all his life in quite a fatherly role, so he has natural authority with him, but I don't. That's the bit that worries me most.

What does anyone think about starting him at his new school now rather than next year?

Please go in gently to this. It seems he will be having HUGE life changes over the next few months - imagine having to go and move into a new house, with a new husband and new children, and new rules, where you have to stick to a higher stndard of housekeeping than you had previously been used to. It would be extremely stressful, and distressing for you, no?

Add on top of that a new school (so imagine a new job to go with all that upheaval above) and you got at least a year with a high risk of depression and unhappiness ahead.

So please, please cut him some slack.

How wonderful that you and dp want to give this boy a stable and loving home.

Who initiated the move, and how was it arrived at? Asking because it would be a real shame if somehow the nephew interpreted it as he 'wasn't wanted' anymore by DP's mother and feels rejected.

I have no experience in any of these areas - but initial thoughts are that you should have a long and serious discussion with the boy. Tell him how much he is loved, and how happy you are that he is able to come live with you and will be an even closer part of your family. Tell him that all of you will have alot of adjustments to make, and it will be hard at times, but you are completely committed to him and his living with you. You'll make some mistakes, and so will he, but you'll work through it together.

I'd also outline a bit what you will expect of him - let him know the 'house rules' - especially if he is not used to having any. Also think about chores, allowance, etc.

Does he have any hobbies or interests outside school? If so, look into how he can continue those in his new area. Friends with boys always say a passion/hobby does wonders for keeping them occupied and out of trouble. Sports, music, scouts, etc. Keep him stimulated and busy with things he enjoys (or might enjoy).

Do you know anyone in your area with boys his age? Anyone with boys his age at the new school? If so, arrange it so they can spend some time together so he isn't walking into the school friendless.

Will he be bringing any of his 'expensive stuff' with him - presume you might mean computer games, wii, etc.? Might be a good idea so he doesn't feel deprived of things he's got used to and enjoys.

Will post more if I think of anything.....

Hi Colditz, that's very true, we are very aware of the enormity of the change. We certainly won't be bullying him in any way - but if he's really naughty at school there will be consequences. I just hope we can make it clear to him that we love him and want him to do well.

Also, my brother and SIL have done an amazing job several times over with their foster children so we'll be getting lots of advice and support from them.

In terms of his happiness, aside from spending lots of time doing nice things with him, I would really like him to see a child psychologist, because I don't believe he has even started to deal with losing his parents/not having parents.

earlybird we instigated it and have made it very clear to him that we did. We wanted to make sure he didn't feel granny had abandoned him in any way.

He likes the usual things, football, computer games. He'll definitely bring all his stuff with him and I'm going to make his room really nice of course.

We've only just moved to this area so will be looking for things for him to join so he can make friends. If he comes to us for the next school year we'll try and get him into an activity course to make friends over the summer, but if he comes now then he will have to do the new boy at school knows noone thing, which is awful - I did it twice myself.

When I think how tough this is going to be on him I feel petrified that we won't do it right and he won't be happy.

He's a communicative child and I'm hoping that will help. If we thought he was withdrawing or depressed we would be right on the case (and we both work from home so we'll be around all the time).

I would talk to the new school and see what they say re starting. Work wise it is more likely that he will be starting new topics and such after Christmas, but at the same time a good start pre-Christmas may be good as he won't have the new school hanging over him during the holidays.

Sorry I thought you meant now or in the New Year rather than academic year. TBH I think that starting in Y8 he will still be the new boy as others will have made friends in year 7. Don't know, is difficult one isn't it. I moved to a new college in a new town to start 6th form and the summer holidays were hard, I had left my old friends but didn't have a chance to make new ones until I started college, I was much older and obviously not going through so many changes but I do remember having lots of time to worry about starting college.

Just wanted to say that as child who went into a step family involving a massive change of rules (well, no rules to rules really) and having lost my Dad at a young age, I really agree with your idea of a counsellor. Not so much in terms of "ongoing counselling because you're a child with problems" but more of a support for him from a mentoring adult who is in a professional capacity outside the family and has no axe to grind, who can chat with him about how things are going for him and act as an emotional safety valve/net for him.

Otherwise things can get very pressured within "made" families. Everyone is dealing with loads of extra responsibility and demands, and emotions can run high.

It's a really important age in terms of being almost on the cusp of young adulthood and I think it could benefit him enormously - while also being helpful for you.

Good luck and good on you for stepping up and being there for him.

We were thinking that he could start in January instead of waiting till next September which would give him more time to settle in. He's only been at his current school a few weeks whereas by next year he'll have firm friends. The trouble is, where we live now is less suitable. We were going to move in the summer to a bigger house.

DN is as confident as a child that age can be, he's good at sport and has a brilliant sense of humour. The problem at school has been that he stirs up the others to mess around. Could be a way of coping with insecurity now I think about it.

Slimcognito that's really interesting. Where can I find such a person? I would really like a professional to talk to him about what is going on in his head and in particular, what he thinks about the loss of his parents as he never talks about this and apparently doesn't even know the circumstances (which were particularly awful).

Hi

You sound lovely

Can I give you some persepective as a secondary school teacher. The sooner he starts the better as the new intake of year 7s are still all fairly new and finding their feet. Therefore, although there will be a couple of weeks of not knowing names, etc, there will be other children who are still feeling wibbly wobbly as well. Also Year 7 heads of year and deputies and mentors, etc, are more used to dealing with wobblies than later on in the school. There may also be some older boy mentoring/buddy system going on. By year 8 - boys start turning fairly revolting (sorry!) but now they are all sooooo young (much younger than the girls iYSWIM) and so having someone new will be fun for them. They've only had one half a term and there will be some teachers that are still getting to know names (if you only teach one class once a fortnight).

Hope this helps.

What area do you live in? I could do a bit of research for you. My experience was pretty decent, and came from the child psychology dept of the city childrens hospital. We are talking more than 20 years ago now though!

I wonder whether Relateen could help?

Good call Wonderstuff - keeping it low key and sort of unofficial. Then if something more is needed they would certainly know what to do.

All the very best to you for this huge committment. Lots of good advice here.
I can't add much but I do have 13 and 11 year old DSs so some experience with this age group.
On balence I think the sooner he goes to his new school the better. My boys both went to a very tiny primary school so when they moved up to comp they didn't know too many other children there. The bonds and friendships seem to form around half way through year seven. Starting in Y8 would be significantly harder I think.
Also what Earybird said. Clubs and sports are a good way for him to meet others AND for you to get to know some of the other boys parents which can be valuable. Also a way to channel his energy which helps behaiviour. Look out for something like athletics,or swimming clubs. They often have dedicated coaches who are able to discipline and inspire boys.
A good book is Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph.

And keep posting on here you will always get help. Maybe try the teenager topic for those puberty issues.

YOu sound as you are going into this with your eyes wide open, and I agree, as a teacher, that he should start his school the sooner the better.

How big is your house? Can you make a place for him that will be his until you manage to move somewhere bigger?

Good Luck

Spelling!! Should preview.

Slim we're in Brighton. Any help you could give me would be very gratefully received.

IWas he will have his own room (we'll have DS in with us he's only little). We'll put a computer in there etc. THe problem is the rest of the flat. DP works in the sitting room which is huge but he can't be disturbed when he working and he often works late. The kitchen isn't big enough for a table. I'm thinking about the time when he comes home from school and needs a snack and a talk about his day before homework or computer. DP and I usually go out for coffee and a walk with DS in the afternoons so perhaps we could turn this into a bit of a custom and meet him after school, when he hasn't got anything else on.

I'll definitely be posting lots on here, big believer in mumsnet wisdom me...

Also agree that starting the new school earlier rather than later is a good idea.

You sound like such a sensitve, caring person, I'm sure that you have every chance of making this a good relationship.

FWIW some of his difficult behaviour will be the result of not having had sufficient boundaries and reasonably high expectations set by his grandmother.

So setting a realistic and achievable framework for him (perhaps by increments) will help him feel secure and will hopefully tone down his behaviour at school. Great that he has a new start and can reinvent himself in this way.

He may psuh against those boundaries (don't all children ), but they are needed and will do him good.

You and you dp need to show him a confident and united front within the context of negotiating the relationship and expected behaviour. Your confidence will give him such a wonderful sense of security.

It sounds as though you are going to give him some fantastic oppportunities.

All the best.

It couldn't hurt to give MIND a ring, they've an office in Brighton and Hove - 01273 749 600 - they will be au fait with what services are available and may be able to make a referral for you. I don't know if you'd need to see your GP to discuss whether a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) would be appropriate (and it may not be).

Obviously there will be other private counsellors available and MIND may be able to advise you about this, of course fees will be payable in this instance.

What a wonderful thing you are doing. Can I suggest a couple of books that I think you will find very useful:

Understanding looked after children by Guishard-pine, McCall and Hamilton

and

Nurturing Attachments by Kim Golding

Both books describe the needs of children who are looked after by those other than their parents. Also give practical tips about the kind of loving but consistent environment to provide, how to handle behaviour problems, what it feels like to move in to someone elses home etc... Both books are written by Clinical Psychologists so will give you a good understanding about the kind of input a CP would have if you do work with one.