I am getting an 11 year old boy..

[Makipuppy]

DP and I are taking over legal guardianship of his nephew who is an orphan. His parents died when he was 8 months old and he has been brought up by DP's mother who is lovely but incapable of even the mildest telling off. DN has a very close relationship with DP and after some initial upset, he is happy about coming to live with us and excited that he'll be big brother to our DS, 9 weeks.

I think the next few years might see a few problems come out - the death of his parents has never been discussed and I'm only guessing but puberty often sees these things come out, doesn't it? His behaviour at school has been quite bad recently and he had two 'naughty notes' last week. He's bright, but not thriving academically. We'll be taking a tougher line on homework, bedtime, etc. He's done exactly as he pleases so far so I think this will be a shock. Also he has been materially quite spoilt but we won't be able or even think it a good idea to buy him expensive stuff outside of birthdays and Christmas.

He has just started a new school in year 7 in a different city, so we are in the process of getting him into a school here.

Would it be better to make the change now and start him at his new school in January, on an 'if it's got to be done the sooner the better' basis?

Can anyone recommend any books that might help me?

Does anyone have any experience or indeed input of any type on this situation?

I'm feeling woefully ill-equipped and a little bit scared, mainly because we have to get it right from the off...

YOu may have to think about DH working elsewhere until you move if that is possible as he will need somewhere to be which is not his room iykwim. He is home about 4 and then still has 5 hours before bed!

I think you are deffo brill

IMHO I think it would be a good idea to start now or ASAP cos all the excitment coming up with Christmas stuff at school will be easier than afterwards

Also all the new year 7s will not know each other yet and be in school cliques yet

Good Luck

We are in a similar situation having taken on my DH's 15 year old brother.It's been a huge upheaval for us and him having gone from little discipline to having a curfew and rules to stick to. He's been here 6 months now, and we are on the verge of having to put him back into care as he refuses to behave even slightly acceptably (swearing in front of our younger children, drinking, smoking, not coming home at all, bunking off school, has been arrested for shoplifting, not helping at all around the house). We talk and talk to him, and he says all the right things, but putting them into action is a different matter.

Obviously it's not something we want to do, but after 6 months he's showing no signs of settling down, and our situation doesn't seem to be benefitting him or us.

I'm sure your husbands DN will be different as he's much younger so any damage will not be so irreversible, but just be aware that he may act up despite all your good intentions and make you want to tear your hair out. We started with so many great plans, thinking a stable home and some loving discipline would help him to flourish and become a responsible and generally nice young man.

The only reason we've not completely given up on him is that he can act sensibly and when he wants to, he's lovely and a pleasure to have around.

You sound llke you're gong into this with your eyes wide open, but take it from me, sometimes the best will in the world is not enough.

I don't want to scare you or put you off doing this but just wanted to share a bit of my experience in the hope that you don't become as disillusioned as I have become further down the line.

I agree about him not being isolated in his room. Could your DP maybe work in the bedroom?
It's just that I find that my 11 year old is shattered straight after school and likes to have half an hour relaxing in front of the tv before starting homework. You could expect him to have at least some homework to do every night and some at weekends.

Maki you are doing a wonderful thing

Most secondary schools have their own counsellors or access to counselling organisations now - it's a big thing in schools now and a lot have seen the benefits of having counselling available, so it's worth asking at the school he goes too.

otherwise if you do a google search for young people's counselling in your area there should be a charity or somesuch offering some nearby; a lot of hospices offer children's bereavement counselling too (even if the loss was a long time ago). counselling would be a very good idea as he's less likely to bottle things up.

Slightlypeckish I do understand and sorry you're having such a tough time of it. My bro and SIL have fostered a series of very difficult teens and have been through some really awful times with them. Some of them have come right, others haven't. Sometimes the damage is just too great which is very sad.

Inthesticks we've talked about moving his office to the bedroom. It would make our lives quite difficult though, because we'd have DS in there already, to give DN a room, and DP sometimes works way after I go to bed.

Good idea cremeeggs we've made appointments to see the two schools in our area and talk to someone there about DN's needs, so one of the things I'll ask about is the counseling service.

Thanks so much for all your posts. I've posted about this before and always got brilliant help. Now we have to start making decisions about the nuts and bolts of how its going to work and I'm very glad to have somewhere to come to ask for advice

Makipuppy - you sound such a sensible,level headed person and I am sure that you will do everything in your power to help this young boy settle into your home. Just a little thought - aim low to begin with and anything over and above that will be a bonus. As you know there will be a period of adjustment for you all and be kind to yourself too, and remember that there are going to be days when you will feel you have made the wrong decision - it's almost inevitable. You have done a lot of thinking and planning but nothing is going to prepare you for the reality is it. Sorry I'm not trying to put you off I'm just suggesting that you need to think of you too, and build in some support system for you as well as the child.

Lcy, thanks for the book recommendations, I'll definitely look them out.

Nananina, thanks to you too, I do hope DP and I can work together on this.

I don't have any experience of taking in a child to live with us, but I do have a 9yo ds.

You're going to be making a huge leap in parenting. Most of us get to practice and learn parenting step by step as our dc get older, but you're not going to have the chance to do this. Steve Biddulph's books on raising boys are good. You might also want to read anything by Faber & Mazlish - we have learnt so much from them.

Another good book for encouraging communication and helping to build bridges between you and him.

May I make one comment? Don't put a computer in his bedroom. For his own online safety, the computer needs to be in a family area.

We encourage our dc to do their homework at the kitchen table. Sometimes we are in the room, either helping them or just getting on with stuff, and sometimes they are alone. We feel that, left alone in their bedrooms, they may too easily get distracted by, say, reading a book, or feel too bored and isolated if the work is difficult or unexciting.

Is there any chance that your DP can work in an office nearby for a little while until you sell? or if you have a garden, one of those offfice /shed things? If might must make it easier ofrall of you?

Well done for doing this, I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old and they care great fun but also challenging.

Prettycandles huge leap is what it'll be for sure!

I too agree that the kitchen table should be the centre of the house, that's why this flat isn't at all suitable. In this flat, we all work around DP and his work which DS and I can do (we have a very big bedroom with the only tv in the house). But we really can't move till next summer (just renewed the lease) and this is one reason why I'm still wavering about starting him here in January, as this is an idea we haven't mentioned to DN or granny yet. But I am very convinced by the points made about him settling in much quicker if he comes now, it's just a case of weighing everything up.

My SIL was in her early twenties when she and (significantly older) B started fostering - she had to get stuck into bringing up a succession of very difficult teenagers with serious problems, involving SS, police, school troubles etc. and she did an astoundingly good job - so I'll get the benefit of her experience although unfortunately they don't live very near.

DN is a very perceptive, bright boy and he's well aware he has an easy life with granny and that we won't put up with half of what she does. But he has said that he's excited about coming to us and he is absolutely amazing with DS, will play with him for hours which I find incredible as I thought kids found babies boring, but there you go! I had an email from granny just now saying that he is teasing her and calling her 'the traitor' but seems happy and it is an open subject which is good.

Thanks to all those who say I'm doing a good thing - I really hope I am. I'm 42 but I've spent my life so far on travel and adventure before having a baby quite late in life and am perhaps more emotionally immature that others my age - I have no idea whether I have it in me but have always lived my life assuming I had, if you know what I mean.

It sounds as if there is a lot of goodwill there on all sides and supportive family ready with good advice.

I shouldn't let physical practicalities re the home bother you all too much - they can be muddled through on a temporary basis.

What that young lad needs is committed people who are genuinely interested in him. He sounds like he's in the right mental space to want to pull his weight to make it work - even if there will be the inevitable ups and downs.

Your DS sounds as tho he'll have fun too!

What does DP do? He'll definitely have to find somewhere else to work if you're going to have your nephew to live with you soon. It's really impoertant both that he has his own space and that he feels welcome in the communal spaces of your home. Maybe dp could get a laptop and use the library or hire an office or move from room to room as necessary? It must be tough on you too not being able to use the living room, isn't it? I also think it's absolutely critical that you support your nephew to see DP's mum regularly. Maybe treat it as if she's the non-resident parent so that he stays with her every weekend or every other weekend? It will have the added bonus of giving you a much needed break as well.

DH and I worked from home for a while (In fact for the first month with DS at home so did our employees!) and it really wouldn't have worked if I couldn't have stayed downstairs out of the way (thankfully within shouting range for help )

Nobody would have got any work done!
I would see if you can get a temporary 'hotdesk' type arrangement in a serviced office, just so there is somewhere for your DP to go when your DN needs to spend some family time if there is nowhere suitable in the house. Even if your DP has to make sure he does certain work in the day when he has access to his normal setup, I would imagine that the peace and quiet would be useful. There's nothing stopping him coming back for teatime with the family then carrying on work when your DN has gone to bed.

It is an amazing thing you are doing, particularly with a young child of your own. I am very grateful that I have people (even without blood ties) who would do the same for my DS, and it really helps to know. I'm sure his parents would have been so thankful too.

Thanks Chairmum, unfortunately DP's work involves sophisticated equipment bolted to our roof, so no chance of office space elsewhere, believe me I'd have pushed him in that direction long ago - it hate that it dominates where we live and how we arrange our lives but that's another issue!

However, this is how we live and ideal or not, DN will have to hang with it while I run round trying to soften all the corners.

Blueywhite thanks, yes I agree that these issues can be worked around with enough good will on each side - they are not the most important things.

Probably he will hang out downstairs with me and DS while we are in this flat. Our room is very big and has a sofa and a tv.