Help. My so-called life, It's all a bloody mess and I don't bloody know how to fix it. Long and profane, sorry.

[phdlife]

Don't know where to put this but it's all vaguely parenting-related so here goes.

I have a 2.6ds and a 6m dd. I am SAHMing and the problem is, I cannot find any time for me. As a result I am stressed out of my tiny fucking nut; this is making it hard for me to sleep which is making me more stressed, which is costing me more sleep, blah blah. I have lost all sense of humor and spontenaiety (also my ability to spell, remember things and construct sentences), don't get done half what I'd like to (more on this later) and am rapidly losing the will to live. Please help me see how I can fix things...

Dh gets up at 6 and leaves for work at 6:50. Usually by then ds is up too and dh has given him some flakes. Dd is usually up then too but lately she's been having some shocking early starts (teeth?) - 5:30 or so.

I get everyone dressed and fed, ds watches ITNG and Playschool 9-10am. At 11 I go to make a smoothie and if all goes well (ha fucking ha) all 3 of us go down for a nap. Ideally before 12. (Is this too late??)

If I can't sleep I get ds up by 1:30, if I do sleep sometimes he sleeps til 2.

Dh home at 5:25. I aim for dinner at about 5:45 (hfh) and if I don't allow them to watch tv we might be away from the table by 6:45. (ds takes a loooong time over his dinner, but then he eats loads so I'm not sure this is a complaint.)

The bath/bed routine takes forfuckingever. Ds comes out of the bath as though he was soaking in pure caffeine and it can take a while for dh to get him nappied/pj'd and storied. I do dd at the same time - like ds she is in no mood for settling but wants to party. Usually done around 7:15-7:30.

Now, IF ds is looking quiet, I take him into his room and try to get him to sleep. Despite several attempts I've never managed to sleep-train him so I sit with him until he goes off to sleep, with or without dd feeding and going off to sleep in my arms. If ds isn't sleepy he gets some quiet play-time because I'm fed up with trying to bed someone who is literally pinging off the walls. Either way, getting me away by 8pm is increasingly rare - last night was 8:45 (because we were out for dinner so home late), the night before was 9:15 (because late nap, because I slept too).

By now I am absolutely desperate for some quality time but lately all I've been doing is shower, snack, re-settle fussy dd, some dire soporific reading, and going to bed, completely unrelaxed at 10:30.

Fuck creativity, fuck corresponding with friends/rellies, fuck making any progress on the recently-moved-into house, fuck having a chat with dh, fuck reading blogs, tv, MNing, keeping up with any form of current events, etfuckingcetera. Fuck, in fact, any activity that might let me have some form of personal identity. (I'm a wee bit fed up, you may be able to tell).

And then, just for kicks, dd will be up at least twice, once settling with a feed and once, hey, remember that party she missed after her bath? well maybe we could have it now? huh? huh? does 3:30am work for you mum?

This can't be right, can it? I'm sure I'm missing something obvious but braincells are so few and far between these days they ain't rubbing together often enough for solutions, let alone the will to implement them.

Help, please help...

oh and it's lunchtime here, so I have to disappear now and not sure when I'll get back.

reading through messages again I'm glad the day sounds reasonably normal. Think I am just fatigued, we've been having a rough trot past few months with dh being injured, then ill, away for a weekend, a small operation, then away for a fortnight, going away again next weekend - he's good when he's around but it's been just me a lot lately. fwiw.

If you've been doing lots of stints without dh recently I'm not surprised your fatigues and fed up! Make the most of when he is around and have some "me" time then - bath & read a book in the middle of the day?

Drop the baths. They don't need to be bathed every night.

i second dropping a nap and the bathing every night!!! I have never bathed my lot every night!!

You sound exhausted bless you, I hope you find a way round it all soon! But I agree you really need to set aside some time for yourself. One evening a week, leave DH to it all. I know you say ds won't settle for him etc, but if you aren't there, then he might?

Go out for a few evenings (or be unavailable for bedtime somehow) and make your DS go to bed for your DH. Just because he never has doesn't mean he can't. I would be inclined to make this your DH's job every night with you going in for a goodnight kiss after he's had story time (or whatever). I am fairly harsh when it comes to bedtime and take no p*ssing about from the children [evil]

PHD -sounds like you;ve had a lot on recently-no wonder you're worn out.

We moved when DD was only 4 months and i knew no-one -it was really hard but i met some great people through NCT coffees and playgroups. I had to be very brave though - it was terrifying at first. It was easier to stay in but i knew in the long run it was for the best. Is there anything like that near you to contact, of a health visitor to point you in the right direction. I would expect most communities have stuff on for toddlers.

I second what was said earlier about Gina Ford too. I know she can get bad press but i got her baby and toddler book. A lot of it makes common sense but sometimes you just need to take the time out to get things in perspective and think about how things can work for you and your day with the children. Worth a try - i'm not saying stick to rigid routines but there are some good suggestions and ideas. I don;t follow it letter by letter but it helped me get my head around the day and what 'could' happen and when etc..

Hope things settle down soon x

No time to say much but I'm in a similar position to you (needy DS1 & small-ish baby). I still have to sit with DS1 and since my husband bought me one of these I actually look forward to taking him to bed. Before I would sit in the dark seething with resentment and getting really worked up. Now I kiss him goodnight, he lies down and I sit and read until he's dropped off. He is a tiny bit older than your DS and we have a definite No Talking rule but it means I get a small breather before coming downstairs to get the baby off to sleep.

Hi Phd, it sounds like you are doing everythin you can. The only other thing I can say is lower your standards ! I have realised recently that so much of my energy is spent on stressing about eating habits, tidiness etc, there is just no point. I got really really frustrated one day when no-one ate the lamb stew I had made(I dont eat meat, myself).

So anyway, other things have I done is - reduce washing by letting the kids re-wear clothes they cen get away with. Letting DCs eat marmite sandwiches if thats what they want, eating sandwiches ourselves for dinner, not bothering to tidy rooms up at the end of the day, giving the baby whatever we are having to eat. And having the odd glass of wine at the end of the day. And just feeling like I'm doing by best, but it doesnt have to be perfect ! It is only temporary, good eating habits etc can come later

If you are near me I will come and help. Mine are at school now and I used to be a nanny.

I only bath mine every other night, sometimes an extra night goes by.

Make sure you get to eat and drink even if you live on cereal.

Mine slept better with a day time nap and 2 1/2 is not too young to still nap in the day and the baby will need at least 2 naps.

Not sure where to start but hope I can add something helpful.
First thing I'd say is that 2 kids are hard (double the work, half the time per child). It won't miraculously get better over night but over the coming months, it will get easier but you might find you have to let go of a few things in the meantime. How does it go, 'don't ignore 'good enough' at the expense of going for perfection'?

For me, I hit a brick wall around 5/6 months with both of mine (who I had 19 months apart) and maybe you are at the point. Months of broken sleep, body no longer producing enough adrenaline to get you through, hormonal changes and the constant monotony can start to chip away at your outlook and your confidence.

Your DD sounds normal to me, neither of mine slept through until 9 months. Both have been early wakers (5.30 is not unusual in my house) But it sounds like if you could get the bedtime routine sorted with your DS it might help. DD1 was exactly like this at this age, I think 2.5-3.5 is the peak for 'sleeping issues'. DD1 would also get up at what felt like 50 million times a night to attempt to get in our bed. In the end I bought the millpond sleep clinic book (which has a variety of approaches), choose a time where myself and my husband were around for over a week (we choose xmas) and stuck to our guns. It was hard work and took 3 weeks to crack it but it was soooooo worth it. But my HV had some sage advice and said we should only tackle the sleep issues when we felt ready to because you need to see through it. When your husband comes home, can you leave him to feed and bath children a couple times a week whilst you just go for a coffee, a walk, trip to supermarket etc.?.. yes, you might come back and it might be chaos but you will be recharged as a result of the break.

Us mums put ourselves under masses of pressure to do everything right and sometimes, it is just not possible. If you don't all eat together as a family for a short while because that's the only time you can get some space, well then so be it. If you all eat beans on toast for a week, it's not the end of the world.

If I were you my priorities would be getting out at least once day, get some fresh air into you, manage your expectations and just focus on one thing.. drop the non-essentials and just go with the flow.

Good luck. Hang in there. Mine are now 4 and 3 and all that hard slog is starting to feel very worthwhile.

Poor you! It is a tough time with them at that age (I had similar age gaps between my 2)
It will get better. Your ds should be eligible for playgroup soon which makes things easier.

Also do you think if he's not sleeping well at night then he may be wanting to drop his sleep in the day? I used to put the telly on after lunch, when the baby was having her pm nap, and sit on the sofa with DD1 and powernap (sometimes DD1 slept as well)- it (mostly) kept me going.

Other than that could you try 'exercising' - ie park or softplay - your son more so that he's more knackered at bedtime.

Also agree with Hattie who said bring the kids tea forward.

hi everyone thanks for advice

as usual the universe gave me a slap to help me out - night after OP, 4am, ds wakes vomiting for first time in his life, poor sod. All over the bed. By 10am I'm at it too and dh has diarrhoea (I'm sure he'll thank me for sharing that with you ). We're all sorted (ish) within 48hrs but then dd starts vomiting too (all over my bed) which was a bit scarier. But she's ok too now.

Interestingly ds missed his nap today. He slept in til 8am and thus wasn't ready by 1pm which is my cutoff. He was low (sluggish, wobbly, and then a bit out-of-control) all afternoon and then, yep, hyper at bedtime. As a result I have just come to the jaw-dropping conclusion that my so-far rather lazy freeform approach to parenting is no longer going to cut it (DUH. and, Damn.) and cleary I am going to have to Toughen Up. Sigh.

oh, and you guys who want to drop the evening baths? seriously - it was 32 here today. And technically, it is not even summer yet! No air con. We all spent 'cool' part of the afternoon naked in dusty garden consuming popsicles. (Well. Except dd. She ate bark. And possibly a few ants.) We HAVE to have evening baths. Truly.

How about a wading pool? Mine are spending most of the afternoon in one at the moment and ds likes getting hosed down.

Otherwise, I understand how you feel. My dcs are 3 and 11 months and it has been the most exhausting year of my life. DS doesn't nap and dd wakes up in the evening so I have not time and nothing ever gets done. when I do have a few minutes I can't even remember what I need to do. I go out one evening a week to a woodwork class, which is my only 'me' time. I'm just really hoping next year will be easier...

Have you got access to a swimming pool? An afternoon swim could work wonders - it would tire out both of them and there'd be no need for a bath . Seriously, I used to do this a lot with mine when we were abroad and they were small.

Are you able to say where you are? Someone may have ideas as to how you could meet other parents/like-minded people?

Agree that ds sounds like he's ready to drop his nap - he'll do the hyper overtired bit for a little while but will then acclimatise and be ready for bed at a civilised hour! Also would try the earlier dinner thing for a week and see if that makes a difference. And DON'T let dd sleep at 5pm!!

What many others have said. If you dont want to drop bath then earlier tea for the kids, or bath before tea. Tehn bed at 7pm not 8pm...you will then be downstairs much earlier and hopefully miss the over-tired window. My ds also dropped his nap at that age.

Also try main meal at lunchtime then just a snacky tea might be quicker.

As lovely as it might be to have a kip yourself in the day, the time when they are asleep is the time you can be most productive re your jobs/house stuff etc so afraid you might need to drop a nap too.

Personally i would ditch your am tv for your ds and go out. Then when he does drop his nap you can let him watch telly whilst your dd is asleep and you do jobs.

I have this age gap and it does get easier... evening times are the worst time.

flash, how did you manage them both in the pool? sorry to be dim but I've thought about it and as neither of them can swim and I'd be the only adult, the prospect scares the hell out of me. Even with floaties on ds.

Hey PhDLife.

The ages you have got at the moment are hard. I found it harder with a 6 month ds and 2yo dd than I do now with 4 yo dd, nearly 3 ds and newborn! Your 2yo will get more reasonable and human within the next 6 months to a year and that will make things much easier.

You have also had a mega-load of stress in the last few months with all that illness etc.

I'd second what other people have said about toughening up re your ds's bedtime and making sure that your dh can do it - if your ds has to put up with someone other than you doing it, he will, even if he makes it hard.

Is there any way at all you can afford some kind of childcare (nursery, childminder?) for a few hours a week as a break for you from ds?

I would drop your daytime sleep. And do something for you in that time (whether it's read a paper or whatever). It will give you some headspace you crave.

Sleeping in the day is no good for feeling good if you're an adult (I have years of average of 5 hours sleep a night experience so understand the temptation). However tired you are, unless you are ill I would avoid daytime naps.

I'd also get really strict about bedtimes. And try some screaming it out if nothing else. Harsh I know, but I personally cannot tolerate having no head space so the children have to be in their rooms by around 8pm. They don't have to be asleep, but they do have to be in their rooms (unless ill or something of course). In the past there did have to be some fairly strict boundaries to establish that. Different things worked with different children. But sitting just outside the door helped with the clingiest child.

Baby in floating seat and toddler in armbands (with extra float suit if you're worried) - great fun! It's lovely to see them floating around by themselves

Are you able to say even vaguely where you are?

thanks again. you're all being so sensible and I'm feeling SUCH a psycho hosebeast and finding suggestions all so improbable that I'm wondering if I have a touch of PND. Or just plain D. think I'll ask doc about it when dd goes for jabs next week.

You poor thing . Please keep posting and coming back so we can help you find that "window in the wall"

thanks flash. I don't know, if I get some sleep it all feels more do-able, or like this morning (awake for no good reason at 4:40am) I've just given up, got some tea, doing some me-stuff, maybe I'll be right for the rest of the day. so there are lots of teeny tiny windows. I can see perfectly well IABU!

oh and you keep asking, I keep forgetting - it's Brisbane. 32 degrees again today. Not yet, obviously, but you can feel it coming...

Hi phd sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I've joined you in the craziness! my new ds is 5 weeks and life is upside down moments after I'd finally got my head round how to do the parenting thing with some degree of control and room for other things!

fwiw I think it's ALL about sleep. Is it worth splashing out on some pampering complimentary medicine type treatments? Relexology? anything that could help you rest better?

Can you sign up for a course that gives you even a bit of time for you? Finish that novel?? I did a six week one day a week thing on Saturdays last year and it was wonderful. Really refuelled my soul.

Good luck.

I was born in Brissie, and my siblings still live there, mostly. Sadly they're younger than I am and none are at the parenting stage yet. I doubt a group of young single guys would add much to your life!

Paddington is the nappy valley area from memory. Have you tried asking about local groups on www.bubhub.com.au? And have you thought of taking dd to a baby yoga class? It could give your ds and dh some time together, and by definition you'll meet other mothers and babies in a non-forced way. Obviously swimming lessons might be good, too - soothe your nerves a bit if they're confident swimmers, plus again be a handy way to meet people.

Are you Australian, or an expat? It's a deceptively foreign culture to Brits, IMO.

I honestly think you will sleep better at night if you drop you daytime sleep. I've had ten years now of anywhere between 2 and 6 hours sleep a night, -phases of 3 hours not uncommon (ds1disabled). I have learned the worst thing I can do is go to sleep during the day. It completely messes up my night's sleep - although going to bed early does help (I have some difficulties doing that because if my need for head space).

I wouldn't drop a bath because we've always used it as signal that we're in the bedtime routine.

Hyper over tired children are allowed to be hyper and overtired providing they do it in their own room. That at times had been difficult with my disabled son but he did learn that he needed to stay in his room. We used 2 travel barriers one in top if the other which filled the door so he couldn't climb over and he didn't have the stenghth to undo (once asleep they came down). The barriers seemed to calm him. He could see through so not dark like a shut door but he knew he couldn't get out so switched off that impulse to run up and down the stairs shrieking. And instead would lie down or sing or look out if his window. He became able to open them when be was about 8 but by then had pretty good settling habits and now understands "bed now or no....."

None of the kids have to go to sleep when I say ( ds 2 and ds3 chat for a bit or read, ds1 looks out of his window) but that doesn't matter to me
as long as they're quietish and settling.

I think you need to choose your cut off time a
stick to that iyswim. It's hard with the baby but
you can sort of aim around that.

Also if you get any chance to have a few hours
alone or without kids in the week ( gym plus
crèche?) then that can make a difference. I have found going back to work to be helpful in
terms of head space. I'd also recommend taking up something you used to love. I've recently started horse riding again after a 16 year break and it has been incredibly good for making me feel good.