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Parenting

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Original poster

I can't stand DS anymore. Really and truly had ENOUGH.

28 replies

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 16:17

I can't be bothered to name change.

He's on a two week half term and he's being nothing but a total pita. He's four and half years old and I don't even like him. Go on, flame me. But I'm ready to tear my hair out, run screaming from the house and lock him in the cellar until he's back at school.

He constantly looks to make his sister cry, tormenting her by ripping every toy or book out of her arms. He always looking to make trouble, throwing toys, tantrums, breaking things, painting walls the very second my back is turned to wash his sister's hands after a painting session.

He gets loads of exercise. He's being a little horror and refuses to listen to anything I ask him to do or just blows raspberries and laughs in my face whenever I tell him off. Which seems to be constantly.

My due date is on Sunday for dc3 and right now all I can do is cry at the thought of having to deal with this horrible behaviour as well as having a baby. He is difficult.

I really really don't like him right now. Since he was two years old, our household has been a misery walking on eggshells around him, trying avoid his tantrums and rages and we're not walkover parents who just accept anything a kid wants for a quiet life. I've had enough of him, the stress he actively seeks to create and his ruling our house.

I just want to reject him totally and have absolutely nothing to do with him anymore. I cannot bear the thought of him near me right now because I feel he's being such a little shit every minute of every day. I'm at my wits end because there is absolutely nothing I can do to help improve his behaviour. We've tried everything.

OP posts:

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Blu · 22/10/2009 16:18

How old is his sister?

OrmIrian · 22/10/2009 16:19

He sounds very like mine winky. Although the tantrums are few and far between now thank god. And my god I know how you feel! But I suspect it's tiredness and pregnancy that makes you say you hate him. I do sympathise but please don't hate him

MarshaBrady · 22/10/2009 16:21

Winky you sound exhausted I feel for you, sounds tough.

How is he with your dh?

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Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 16:22

She's two and a half. She can hold her own very well but he always goes too far.

My mum is here right now and is, like whenever my dad visits, utterly amazed at his behaviour. I've retreated into a quiet corner to have a poor, poor me moment.

I just don't understand him. I can't get through to him. I can't change his behaviour for the better. It's exhausting.

OP posts:

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 16:24

He plays DH and me off against each other all the time. It's much better now and DH finds him very draining and stressful as well.

I feel better now I've vented some spleen and got some oxygen away from him.

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Blu · 22/10/2009 16:28

It must be incredibly draining. Poor you

It sounds as if he has been like it since his sister was born - and targets quite a lot at her. And is probably feeling outraged that yet anpother baby is coming along to cliam his Mummy.

Can you get your Mum or dad to look after your DD and give him some one-to-one time? It does sound like attention seeking.

dizzyblonde · 22/10/2009 16:28

Not much help I know, but my daughter was the toddler from hell. She is 17 now and I've just come back from a weekend away having left her in charge of brothers aged 13 and 16. The hoovering and ironing was done and supper cooked! It does get better and I still remember the nightmare of being pregnant with the third and exhausted.

CarGirl · 22/10/2009 16:29

Have you read the "1 2 3 magic" book I've heard good things about it - especially with testing the boundaries constantly behaviour, forutantely my dc are naturally fairly compliant.

It sounds really really exhausting.

CybilEngineer · 22/10/2009 16:34

I agreee it sounds like the thought of more babies competing for your attention is making him kick off.

It's probably the als thing you want to do at the moment but can you find time to take him out just the two of you, for a drink and a cake or something, have a nice couple of hours where you can remind yourself he is not actually a devil and he can see that you don;t think of him that way.

It would also be a good opportunity to tell him how much you need his help being a big boy when the baby comes along.

It sounds like you have gotten into a downward negative spiral but only you can help get you back out of it through seeing as much positive as you can.

RainbowJelly · 22/10/2009 16:37

You say you have tried averything, but have you been consistent with it???

I ask this because my DS1 started to be a nightmare after his brother was born. We "tried" everything too, which worked for a while, and then we slipped into not using it, and the behaviour slipped too.

Star charts work well. I get DS1 to make his own reward chart, and he gets a smiley stamp for everything he does that is good. But you have to stick at it. Some days I had gone to bed thinking that I hadn't said one good thing to DS1, and it upset me so much. I felt like he was purposely trying to make me feel upset. I think that introducing the reward chart, makes you concentrate on the good things that they do, and what we pay attention to, we get more of.

It takes a few days to kick in, but you have to keep it, and stick to it.

And be consistent.

Good luck with DC3.

Hope it all calms down for you.

BrigitGraveKnicker · 22/10/2009 16:37

Poor you- you really sound at the end of your tether.

Another vote for 123 magic. My sil used it on both her sons (the older one has ADD and her younger one is also a total horror and she finds it works really well.) I also used it very effectively when my DDs were younger.

look here There is also a video if you haven't got time to wade through the whole book.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 16:40

But we do go out together. His sister is still at nursery 4 x sessions per week during half term and I've taken him out to cafes, soft plays, the zoo. I thought it would be a real opportunity for us to have some time together. He's always preferred his father's company anyway which is fine with me.

I genuinely don't think he's worried about the arrival of the baby. He's always affectionate towards the bump, naming and tender towards other babies, telling me that's how he's going to be with our new baby.

I give up. I can't do anything else. I'm too tired.

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CybilEngineer · 22/10/2009 16:42

I feel sorry for you but I feel sorry for him too. There's obviously something thats not right to make him behave like this, it doesn't come from no where. Not pointing the finger, just trying to get you to think about what he is 'reacting' to.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 16:43

Believe me, I wish I knew. We're really worried about him and why he's behaving like this.

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CybilEngineer · 22/10/2009 16:56

Is it worth talking to school to see how he is there?

Fillyjonk · 22/10/2009 16:56

winky, would like to say a lot of things here, i know how hard it is with those age gaps, BUT have no time so am going to recommend a very very good book

no time to link (sorry) but it is how to talk so kids will listen, and also the companion siblings without rivalry

they are really, really good.

and, you know, do let it out on here. thats what anonomous internet strangers are here for, really (seriosly)

CarGirl · 22/10/2009 16:59

what do school say about his behaviour?

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 18:08

He's wonderful at school.

Co-operative, polite, friendly and kind.

Nursery said the same thing. He used to go three mornings a week to nursery.

I'll get those books and read them but I thought How to Talk was for older children?

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3rdnparty · 22/10/2009 18:15

how to talk is mainly for older but I found some of the techniques really useful when ds hit a hideous 3.5/4 stage of just non stop disobedience and awful behaviour - boundary pushing extremes -really helped me think (?) on how I reacted but also that it wasn't all my fault...

CarGirl · 22/10/2009 18:17

I think it's great from 4/5 years of age.

Sounds like he explodes after being good all day at school?

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 18:48

Thank you for your kind words and support. I'll get reading because clearly the way I'm handling stuff as the adult in the mix just isn't working!

He's in bed now and the relief is immense. I just wish this baby would hurry up and arrive because then hopefully, I'll have more energy to deal with things like this.

OP posts:

Acanthus · 22/10/2009 19:01

I think How To Talk could help you. As you say, your role as the adult in the mix is what you can change most easily, and hope that effects some change in him. Go easy on yourself though, three under 5 won't be easy and you might have to firefight for a bit.

How long ago did you start to feel as though you dislike him, can you remember?

UndeadLentil · 22/10/2009 19:17

Absolutely the hardest bit of parenting I've done in the last seven years was in the fortnight before dc3 was born. You are exhausted and tense and everyone is in a kind of holding state ... Not nice.

My DS (the oldest) is an incredibly strong character and, if this makes sense, it suits him better to be older.

Can you sit down and chat to him, with DH and maybe your mum and make a set of ruies about what you all want family life to be like when the baby arrives?

The baby is bringing change anyway so a new start would fit with that anyway...

Give him a bit of ownership of the rules, and counter-intuitively, a bit more responsibility so that he can't keep abdicating all the control to you.

I have been there with well-meaning family looking on with sympathetic disbelief and I've also come out the other side as many mners have. You will too.

How to Talk works with any child you can chat to I think.

Hang on in there.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2009 19:48

God, you're all too kind. Thank you.

OP posts:

BrigitGraveKnicker · 22/10/2009 22:23

Another idea an American teacher friend of mine uses with her son and also with her pupils is to give two choices each time you want him to do something. What the DC doesn't actually know is that both choices are ones you desire.

Example "Do you want me to carry you up the stairs or are you going to walk yourself?"

"Do you want your story now or after you have had your bath?"

"Are you going to help me or your sister tidy the toys"

This gives him an element of control which of course what he wants but within a frame of what you want him to do. to (but of course he doesn't know that!

Another good ploy is to try the "I bet you can't... get up the stairs and get ready for bed/ school before the cooker bell goes off/ tidy up the toys in the time it takes me to go and get your story book from upstairs etc."

Lots of praise and stickers when he does it.

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