Bi-lingual: I just cannot do it !

[SophiePloeg]

Hi
I am Dutch, and have been living in the UK for 10 years. I've got 2 kids (2 and 4) and find myself totally emmersed in English life. So much so, I don't speak Dutch anymore, except to my Dutch family or when in Holland. At home it feels strange to speak Dutch when the whole world around me is English. Hence my children are raised English, although I'd really like them to learn Dutch. I just cannot turn the switch all the time! It is hard to talk dutch to my kids and English to the rest of the world, thereby switching constantly.
Does anyone else have this problem?
My husband is English and he doesn't speak Dutch either.
Would love to hear I am not the only one, or get some advice on how to find this famous switch...:0

There is no switch. It is a large, very stiff, lever, and it only starts moving if you lean on it and keep leaning, day in, day out.

It is not for everyone but nor is it beyond anyone. You can do this if you want to, I promise.

Good luck!

It's a question of habit - if you do it, it will get easier. If you can't speak Dutch to them all the time, perhaps you could fix a time - daily or a few days a week? - when you will talk to them/read stories to them in Dutch, or watch a DVD together. Even if limited exposure means they can't become fluent, active speakers of the language, at least they will be able to understand some, which will make it easier if they want to spend time in your home country/learn the language later.

Bilingualism is such a great gift to give your children, it seems a shame not to do it if you can... Have you come across the bilingual families mailing list? Lots of people on there could give you more helpful advice than I can, I think. You can subscribe through this page - I would recommend the digest version, so your inbox doesn't get crammed with messages.

I agree with Miflaw. It is very difficult but well worth the effort.

I was exactly the same, British, living in Germany and totally immersed in German. It took a lot of hard work to speak English with the DC.

I am sooooo glad that I persevered. We are now in French speaking Switzerland and they are learning French. The fact that they are already bilingual made it easier, I am sure.

Can you get Dutch TV or videos?

I speak a different language to my kids & would say if you want to speak your language just do it.

I agree with previous posters. When your first baby is born in a foreign country where you speak nothing but the foreign language, it can feel odd to suddenly start using your mother tongue with a new baby.

But if you don't do it there and then, and stick to it, it is much harder to do later.

Don't your family mind that your DC don't speak their language? That was my main motivation when mine were babies.

My husband found it hard to start with as he only spoke his mother tongue with his family who are overseas

Now he seems to switch quite easily and doesn't speak English to the kids at all

Well, my dh finds it really hard as well to remember to speak his language to the children after living in the UK for about 15 years. We now have the problem that the children can't really communicate very well with their grandmother, aunt etc who speak no English. It's a real shame. Try and do it if you can, particularly if you have family who can't speak English.

Where are you Sophie? Would it help to meet up with other Dutch families? My DH is Dutch and did find speaking Dutch to our daughter hard to begin with, but now he would find it odd to speak English to her. He does lapse into English sometimes when he says there is no Dutch word that will do.

Now he finds it very difficult to talk to any child in English, which can be quite amusing!

It helps that I understand Dutch quite well, and that his parents don't speak English. That was his main motivation for her learning the language.

I know people who have found it very tough like you, especially when the kids always reply in English (both Dutch speakers and other languages).

Would your husband be willing to learn some Dutch to help out?

Lots of good suggestions here... wish you luck (success!)

I agree that it is a question of habit. I am German and my English speaking dh and I are raising our children bilingually in the UK.

From the moment they were born I have been addressing them mainly in German and we now associate German with each other. I do have to switch constantly, speaking German to the kids and English to dh, but to be honest, it really seems completetly natural and I don't feel I'm making an effort, perhaps because it's become a habit after 7 years...

What I do find is that as my children get older, the dominance of the majority language (in our case, English as they go to school in the UK) becomes stronger and stronger, so much so that my 7 year old will now sometimes address me in English when I pick her up after school. So, if you can give your kids a good foundation in the minority language (in your case, Dutch), then they're more likely to keep it up while going to school in the UK.

I also agree with others' suggestions of lots of Dutch books, dvds, perhaps a Dutch Saturday School? And I'm sure the more you speak to your kids in Dutch the easier it sould get. Good luck!

Hi Sophie,

I'm British living in Mexico, I spoke English only on the phone to my parents for 10 years ... got very rusty and then had DS (21 mo). Everyone recommended that I speak only English to DS, etc etc but I found it very difficult especially if with Spanish speakers, as it seemed so rude (ie they have no idea what you are saying).

So. I bit the bullet and made the following decision. I speak English to DS (it gets easier after a couple of days) except when in social situations where it might be construyed as being rude. For example, when he plays with my neighbbours children I speak to him in English, unless I am telling him to do something for them (give them the ball, say sorry etc). It works quite well and DS seems to understand both languages quite well (although his vocab is predominantly Spanish).

You have only a short time to decide on this, as your children will soon be too old to find learning a new language easy. You certainly don't have to do it; but if you have family in Holland you might find it sad later on that your DC can't interact with them easily (as might they).

Wow, I am new to this forum and I am overwhelmed by all these wonderful replies! Thank you so much!! I will try and answer what most of you said.
Part of the problem, I suppose, is that my husband speaks no Dutch and after many years of intending, still hasn't learned any. ALL my family speaks English fluently and as soon as we visit my family everyone arounds us turns to English. I often tell them off, but for most Dutch people it is so easy to speak English.
We could get Dutch tv via a satelite and have thought many times of getting it; the only thing stopping me is that Dutch telly is a bit rubbish!

I spoke Dutch to my eldest for his first 1-2 years but soon found he couldn't speak a word of English when he started play groups and so moved on to a bit of English. Its a slipperly slope as now its all English. My own Dutch is starting to get rusty and I feel like a lone evangelist trying to keep the Dutch language alive. When I speak Dutch to my children now, they respond by saying: Speak English mama!

Your encouragement does me good however - I will hang around this forum, subscribe to this bilingual families webpage to remind myself and keep trying. Hopefully it will get easier and it won't feel so strained and odd to speak Dutch.

THANK YOU !

Dutch childrens' TV is pretty good ATM. There's often great stuff on KRO kindertijd and zappelin has some good programs too.

I found it a real strain to speak English to DD when she was born but it got easier with time. I can switch between Dutch and English in the blink of an eye now, although I do accidentally speak English to other peoples children sometimes.

When they say 'Speak English mamma', say 'Nee schat'

It's natural that they will speak more English than Dutch. They live in England. The goal is not necessarily equal competence in both - it's being "automatic" in the second language so they can build on it later if they want.

Incidentally, my big piece of advice is don't stand on ceremony if you areaway from the home country. For example, my daughter gets a lot of exposure to Canadian French, because that's sometimes easier to get - rather that than get less exposure overall. We'll worry about the accent and the other differences when she's good enough for it to matter!

Is your 2yo too old to enjoy Bumba (Flemish, www.studio100.be) by the way?

My 18mo daughter loves it (in French. obviously)!

I totally get the whole family switching thing - my DH2Bs family all speak English around me, and I speak French! I dread to think what it'll be like when we eventually have children. I'm trying to break them of the habit of speaking English to me, and we have finally progressed onto e-mails being written to me in French, but it's taken a while...

It's really hard to break an ingrained habit. I once made the mistake of bonding with a French speaking child I was supposed to be speaking English to in French, because I thought he'd feel more comfortable, and then found it REALLY hard to switch back. I also find it horrifically difficult to speak French to my DH2B even in social situations where everyone else speaks French so I do get where you're coming from!

All I can say is try it and see, and know that I'm trying every step of the way with you (although I have the added incentive that we're moving to Freance).

Dunno if my boy is too old for Bumba, as i don't know Bumba! I'll look it up. He's nearly 3 (in December).

I really appreciate your encouragement. I really want to try. As an example my parents are currently visiting for a few days. They speak English fluently, my husband does not speak Dutch so everyone speaks English. Even when I am alone with my parents we speak English! When we realise we laugh about it but it just goes automatically.

But I'll try and think about perhaps getting a dish and a subscription to satelite tv (Kanaal+ I think).

It will be hard and slow to start with as my kids won't understand what I am saying and I will struggle (I talk, dream and think in English) but I really fear that I will have lost all my Dutch roots in a few years and perhaps regret it later in life!

Thanks a bunch everyone!

Well, I know what it's like, because i'm not actually French - so EVERYONE in my life speaks English with us! If I can do it, so can you ...

Discreet plug for my blog here ...www.papaetpiaf.wordpress.com

I do know that, whenever I meet adults with one or more non-English speaking parents I ask them if they are bilingual and, if they say "no", then 9 times out of 10 the next thing they say is, "I wish my parents had taught me [x language] when I was little, but they didn't."

You will find Bumba on Youtube. Here, for example.

Strangely addictive, but maybe too young?

I should be in bed so I won't write much but I just wanted to say try singing or saying funny childrens rhymes to your DC in Dutch, it'll feel less strange than speaking if you're not used to it and maybe will help you to slip into Dutch more easily each time you do it.
Just an idea...

My children have been brought up bilingially greek /english. Like one of the other posters one of the main reasons for this was so that they could comunicatate with my family when ever we went to Uk. And this was the reason I always gave when my inlaws, in particular, complained that they couldn't understand us(!)

As the children got older and the two languages were established we all became much more flexible and we now speak a random hotch potch of english and greek!!!!

I would suggest the following:

1. Get your parents on board so that at least when dh isn't around you all speak dutch.Especially you and your parents as I think this will positively reinforce the acceptance of both languages.

1. As someone else said songs and nursery rhymes are great to start with.

1. Read them a bedtime story each night in dutch. If you can get hold of stories they know translated into dutch so much the better as they will"understand"

1. Get dh on board too. Make it fun and maybe every Sunday when you are all at home together you can speak dutch with lots of gestures etc and dh can learn some dutch too.

1. Maybe try and find another family who are dutch english bilingual to meet up with or even a biligual playgroup (if you are in a big town/city)

Don't forget that their receptive skills (listening/understanding) will always be better than their productive skills (talking) but this is the same in language one too.

Good luck. It will be worth the effort.

I live in JApan and DH is JApanese. thankfully he can speak English so that is a help. But bascally I am very worried about my childrens English. My japanese is not completely fluent, but even I have to stop myself from answering her when she talks in Japanese- its just so much easier to do, isnt it!
I`m just having to be really strict with myself and force myself to speak English. I describe things too much: "OH, are you tying your hair up with a spotty ribbon?" etc. Its hard work, but its the only way!
OF course, lots of books, DVDS, CDs, trying to meet up with a native speaker (you could use the internet to find a dutch speaking mother?)

Hi Sophie,
God, I have exactly the same problem, and just posted a thread to discuss it! I'm so glad I'm nit the only one! I'm german but my husband is welsh so at home we speak english all the time and it feels so strange and unnatural to speak german now unless I speak to my family back home. I also find it difficult to switch back and forth between languages. I regret it dearly not having spoken enough german to my older children. My ds is 9 weeks old now and I have made a promise to myself that he will be fluent in german when he is older. I try to be strict now and only speak german to him but it's really hard!
My oldest girl is 9 and my little one 4, so I will try with them too. Not sure how it will go though!
Have you heard about MUZZI? It's a language programm for kids. I just bought it in german, not sure if they do it in dutch too. It's expensive though!
Jen xx

I'm the same - I cannot switch constantly. So ds speaks English and will continue to do so. We will try to slowly teach him Spanish (dh is better at this than me ) and hope that holidays with his cousins, etc. will do the rest.

It's just the best I can do.

Thanks girls - really nice to hear we're not alone!
We've decided to invest in a satelite and get Dutch tv (as the kids don't watch enough tv yet...). Hopefully that will help get the 'Dutch switch' on for me and it will help them to hear a bit more.
But I must admit I am still struggling to speak Dutch to them. It requires constant thinking! I realise I just don't know some words in Dutch anymore and I am really turning into an English girl. How sad! But it'll be hard to stop it.

Thanks for the support.

shameless plug: www. sophieploeg. com.....sorry...

Welcome to mumsnet - dutch TV may be rubbish - but flemish children's TV - Studio 100 on Canvas- is of a very high standard from Piet Piraat and Bumba to Anubis, Amika, Mega Mindy etc.

It is well worth the effort to teach your children dutch! It is such a waste if you don't.

I do understand why your dh can't speak dutch - it is virtually impossible to find a good dutch classes in teh UK, and you never hear dutch spoken, so it is very hard to learn. I only learnt flemish when I moved to Belgium, took an intensive flemish course, got a flemish speaking job and lived with my flemish in laws.

I do know of an irish family who were in the same position as you so moved to Belgium for a year and put their children into flemish school for a year. After a year they were virtually fluent, and then they all moved back to Ireladn. The father commuted to and from Ireland for that whole year.