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Parenting

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Original poster

If you have a good relationship with your mother, WHY? What do you think made it so good?

67 replies

WideWebWitch · 07/06/2005 10:44

Because while I recognise that my mother was doing the best she could - which is all any of us can do, I guess - I don't have a great relationship with her and I'd like my children to have a better one with me.

So, those of you who get on brilliantly with your mothers:

why do you/did you get on so well?
What did she do right (now or when you were a child) that has resulted in a good healthy relationship between you now you're adult?

A friend of mine believes that those who knew absolutely without doubt that they were unconditionally loved are the secure people with enduring good relationships with their parents. I'm not sure if I think it's that simple but I can see her point. All and any opinions welcome!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

munz · 08/06/2005 10:55

yes completely agree with list maker, althou I od check up on my mum a lot as she's got diabetes and isn't the best at monitoring her suger levels.

our mum was always a best friend but also a mum if that makes sence, some of my friends had one of the other I feel lucky to have had both.

beatie · 08/06/2005 11:30

Good question. I sometimes wonder the same. I have a very good relationship with my mother but I know lots of other females my age who don't. I really hope I have a good relationship with my daughter when she grows up.

I'm not sure I can pin down why me and my mum have a good relationship. We're not terribly similar now that I am all grown-up I have quite different political views, child-raising views, interests to my mother.

However, when I was growing up, she was always kind and non-controlling. She was strict (we knew what the behaviour boundaries were) but not bossy (she didn't try to inflict her opinion son me) My mother is quite a sensitive woman, who loves children and emits a lot of warmth. She was generous too. We weren't spoilt but she paid my way throguh University with a no strings attached attitude. My dad, on the otherhand, gives more generously with strings attached. Not that money is important but I suppose it helped leave me and my brother with the impression that she put us and our needs first. Yes, my mother is quite selfless.

Once I reached 18 and ran off to live with my first boyfriend, she let me make my own mistake, was upportive of me and made it very easy for me to go back and live at home once I came to my senses.

Writing this I realise I have a lot to live up to and I hope some of my mums good piints have rubbed off on me. Whew - I just wish I had her patience at least.

Jimjams · 08/06/2005 14:23

great relationship with my mother.

She worked, but I always knew I came before her work, so for example when I broke my arm badly she took time off.

And a big one I think- when I hit 18 she stopped telling me what to do. She's always advised me, but never tried to influence me.

She is now fantastic with ds1 (and the others but ds1 is the tricky one). And she never lets me wallow in it- her attitude being it's tough, but you've got to get on with it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Twiglett · 08/06/2005 14:32

living over 230 miles away from her helps

pinkmama · 08/06/2005 14:38

Thanks for this thread. I have a terrible relationship with my mum, which just gets worse and worse, so I have always worried about how to be a good mum to my children. Wouldnt it be wonderful for your daughter to write something as gorgeous about you as some of these posts in years to come!

robin3 · 08/06/2005 14:44

I have a good relationship with my mum.

When I was a child she was consistent, fair, never moody, well adjusted, independent and extremely caring.

As a teenager we enjoyed each others company...went shopping together etc. but our relationship never stretched to personal stuff and it's carried on this way. (i'm not sure if this was a good thing or not)

Once I was a student and started work things were fine...home was still a great place but our lives weren't compatible...I was drinking, eating rubbish and meeting men etc...being young basically and my Mum (who was married at 21) couldn't identify with me so we saw less of each other.

THEN...I had my son and my Mum has been better than I ever expected. She's so interested and encouraging. Even sent me a Mothers Day card. She loves my baby as much as I do and my parents are moving to be closer.

So our relationship has changed and adapted as I've needed and although our lives are completely different and our careers couldn't be farther apart spending a weekend with my Mum is still a pleasure. We don't agree about everything but we leave it at that...times too short.

Lantana · 09/06/2005 00:11

Gosh Robin3, a mother who was never moody? Do such mothers really exist? My mother was so moody when I was a child I know wonder if she had fifteen year PND.

bloss · 09/06/2005 04:34

Message withdrawn

jamese · 09/06/2005 11:08

I have a great relationship with my mum. She always put us children first. We were (and probably still are her life). She made me feel very special (especially as I am adopted and instead of feeling unwanted by birth mother, I felt chosen by mum and dad and brothers. We have our differences, and am not as tolerant with her as I would like to be, but never gone to bed without phoning to apologise first. She was strict we me growing up (some stupid rules really) has a completely different attitude to most things, ie doesn't believe in sex before marriage etc - that is a hard one for someone who lived with husband before marrage to pull off) but all mum said was that while she didn't approve of us living together, if it made me happy then fine. (well not fine but she didn't go on about it). I hope that I can be as loving and supportive to my DD as she has been to me.
So basically I think loads of different reasons why mums and daughters get on more than others - but don't think you have to have same sense of humour, or same values etc.

horseshoe · 09/06/2005 14:01

My mum and dad are my best friends.

She worked hard and I respected her for it but then I always knew us Kids came first in her eyes and she was always there for us.

I never had a good relationship with my dad growing up and we never really saw eye to eye. that all changed when I hit 20 and our relationship is so strong now! I guess we are just too much alike

acnebride · 09/06/2005 14:20

My mum is fantastic to me. Some of the many, many things she got right were -

Constancy - with you lantana - she pitched up at every school event, was always available even if it had to be at the office.

Elbow grease - she absolutely worked her socks off for us. Both at home and later in paid work. I feel weak at the knees when I think how hard she slogged for years, and years, and years, and years. I can't possibly work as hard as she did. Oh dear.

Selflessness - since divorcing my dad 12 years ago, she has been able to travel, and heads off to some pretty wild destinations with a small backpack. She has a real wanderlust which she never got to indulge when we were kids - there was a long patch when we had no cash for holidays at all. But I never guessed that she loved travel so much - she never complained at all.

The non-negotiables came from her heart, not from some external idea of what good parenting 'ought' to be. The one time I dropped litter in front of her she nearly combusted and I have never forgotten how angry she was. She nagged until thank-you letters were done, however late into the year it was. But she never once stopped me from doing anything I wanted to do, or was anything but welcoming to all my friends and boyfriends.

She really listened to me.

this is a long one, sorry!

Newbarnsleygirl · 09/06/2005 14:30

I haven't read the whole thread but I agree with what you said your said at the begining WWW.

My dad left when I was 2 and I never saw him again so my mum brought me up on her own with only my Auntie and Grandparents looking after me. I am very very close to those family members and I think that has alot to do with it but going back to the start I really believe that if the child realises their parents love them no matter what it will result in a good relationship.

We talked about everything and we still do now.

She accepts any decision I make and doesn't interfere and I know now at times that has been very hard for her.

munz · 09/06/2005 14:56

you know as well years after the fact our mum said to me I might not always agree with what u do, and I might not always like you some days, but i'll always be here and will always love u no matter what you do.

Chuffed · 09/06/2005 15:18

munz my mum has said that too!

Mumfun · 10/06/2005 06:17

This is a brilliant thread - thank you.

Im going to take lots from it. I have a mother who I find problematic -always have done. I want to have a good relationship with DS and bump so I am finding this soooo helpful.

stitch · 10/06/2005 08:34

respect is very important. she has her opinions, and will try to foist them on me, but will respect me for my opinions and allow me to have them. but love love and more love.
acceptiing me for what i am, knowing my limitations, but loving me nonetheless. giving good advice. dont know really.

munz · 10/06/2005 09:01

I think appriciation of her and what she does helps as well. I was telling her about this thread, and she got all chuffed, althou she did add that she only taught how her mum taught her as it was the only way she knew.

(again thou don't be alarmed as her sister had the same upbringing and her children arn't close to her at all)

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