If you have a good relationship with your mother, WHY? What do you think made it so good?

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Because while I recognise that my mother was doing the best she could - which is all any of us can do, I guess - I don't have a great relationship with her and I'd like my children to have a better one with me.

So, those of you who get on brilliantly with your mothers:

why do you/did you get on so well?
What did she do right (now or when you were a child) that has resulted in a good healthy relationship between you now you're adult?

A friend of mine believes that those who knew absolutely without doubt that they were unconditionally loved are the secure people with enduring good relationships with their parents. I'm not sure if I think it's that simple but I can see her point. All and any opinions welcome!

I have the best relationship with my mum, shes like one of my best friends but it didnt ocm easy!, when i was 14 i moved out of home becasue we wrgued so much we couldnt be in the same room together! i think we got closer as i grew up and matured, now were really close, i understand her quirky ways and she understands mine!

allso i respect my mum alot as she has always been completly honest with us about EVERYTHING! from sex to our troubled money problems when i was growing up, also she never pushed us to do anything we were told we were special and she was proud of us and loved us whatever we did. shes the best i love my mummy!

And another way my parents brought us up to be close... family events were quite frequent/ and still are. As kids every sunday evening was no tv time, so we'd all sit around playing board games, having fun together. When we became teenagers that changed into regular curry /take away nights - which we still have! (and we still play the odd board game or two) and we even still have family holidays away!

I think it just is investing time in your children when they are young to enjoy 'family time' and whilst it diminishes during the teenage years, I've found it re-emrges as I've gotten older and become a mum myself!

My mother loved us all unconditionally and equally. I could talk to her about anything. I probably began to appreciate her fully when I had ds and realised how much is involved in bringing up a child, as well as seeing her unstinting care for him, taking trouble with the small things - making his sandwiches look nice etc
Having said that I was a dreadful teenager and lived quite a colourful life in my 20s so I guess it was a thankless task on occasion.

I'm very close to my Mum (as you all know!).

Not sure why - lots of people comment to her how lucky she is to have children that are all so close to her (my brothers are too) - we'll all happily go out socially with Mum and Dad and go on holiday with them too.

I was always supported in everything I did, encouraged, praised, never 'put down'. She was always there for us - a SAHM so there when we got in from school, there to take us to running practice, choir, brownies etc. We were hugged and kissed a lot too.

I'm not saying we did stuff every weekend, but I do remember a lot of family games etc - we did do stuff together.

Although quite disciplined, we were allowed our independence.

My Mum was a younger Mum, she had me at 21 so I don't know if the age makes a difference. It doesn't feel like there is a huge generation gap because as well as only being 21 yrs older, she is quite 'young' for her age iyswim (not in a naff way!).

I don't know, it's so hard to know why but I'm glad our family is close. It's so sad to read some of the threads on MN where people don't get on with their parents.

Unconditional love is definately it, my mum and I get on fabulously, and she's always been there for me, letting me make my own mistakes, no matter what. (and I mean what!)
She made me wonderful homecooked meals (still does sometimes!) gave me manners, encouraged my hobbies and friends, and provided me with a good sense of self and respect, leading by example. She took my friends on holiday with us, and encouraged social events at weekends. Even when I turned into teenager from hell, she was always there, making me seperate vegi meals for 6 years (until I left home, in a fit of rage at my Dad) curing my hangovers, gently trying to give me all of that teenage SPACE that those alien beings always require! piecing the family back together after rows, in which she was never somehow involved, as she's not the sort of person you can get mad at! she's a very good mediator! In short I love her to bits,
I just hope I can be half the mother to dd, that my mum is to me, I have a lot to live up to.

my mum is my hero. she put up withb my dads affair for about 5 years because she refused to break up the family . when dad decided to leave anywzy she somehow managed to provide me with a home and security. when i got engaged aged 21 she stood 100 per cent behind me. when i had kids she ws there for me but never passing comment on my parenting. she's my best friend

Like Donbeam I have a mother I would never want to be like. I've spent lots of time trying to work out what our problem is but we've now arrived at a slightly uncomfortable "fondness". When I was 19 she found my contraceptive pills (which were well hidden), threw me out of the house calling me a prostitute no decent man would ever marry, bla bla bla. It went downhill from there. She happened to bump into my boyfriend of the time at a party at our house last summer (I'm 41) and was still vile to him and told all my friends he was the man who ruined my life!

She has cancer (probably terminal this time). I kind of feel bad we're not close, but the other part of me is almost writing the book of my life...

Sorry, this has turned out to be rather long, if you want the summary just skip to the last paragraph!

I don't have a good relationship with my mother. The best way to describe her attitude to me (or the way I perceive it) is indifference . I can't tell you what to do to make a good relationship but I can tell you what makes our mother/daughter relationship bad.

The thing that makes me sad is that she has no interest in my life whatsoever. I moved 6 hours away from my family almost 9 years ago and my mother has called me 3 or 4 times during those 9 years. She has been to visit me 5 times, three of those since the birth of my son two years ago. When I call her she talks incesently about my sister's problems and about her job and asks almost nothing about me.

The thing that makes me angry is the imbalance in the way she behaves with my sister and brother. She is much more involved and supportive of them, particularly my sister, and always has been (ie even before I moved away). My sister has given my parents nothing but worry and heartache but mother is endlessly supportive of her and calls her at least once a week. She also regularly has 'the boys' (my sisters kids) for 3 or 4 days at a time. She is not so bad with my brother but he was in and out of hospital as a child and as a result is rather spoilt and needy.

She has also never told me that she is proud of me or that she loves me. When I see her I force a hug on her but it is like hugging an ironing board .

Lastly she is totally unaware of any of this and would no doubt be shocked if she could read this post. She does some very insensitive things at times. For instance, she spent my whole wedding day clucking over my sister who was pregnant and barely said two words to me, leaving at 8:30pm because sister was tired (they were staying at my house 5 mins away). Also on departing after a recent visit for ds's 2nd birthday she said 'goodbye, it was lovely to see him'.

So my rules for ensuring a good relationship with your kids throughout their lives are:

1. Tell them you love them every day.
2. Tell them you are proud of them.
3. Give them all an equal amount of love and attention.
4. Make sure they know you are interested in what is going on in their lives (whilst trying not to be interfering!)
5. Be aware that what you say can wound your child very easily and the fact that they may be grown up doesn't make insensitive remarks any easier to bare.

Thanks for listening!! Who do I pay?

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Green with envy bloss , but also very happy for you. There are some lovely heart-warming posts on here.

I agree, what a wonderful post, bloss. You summed up the type of parent I aim to be to my baby, after having had a mother who showed me little respect as a child. Out of interest, what were the 'non-negotiables'?

I had a tough time with my mum, and my mum would have been the first to admit it.

WE never "clicked" and she always favoured my brother - her first born - over me. I am a true daddy's girl and have always spoken to my dad about anything and everything.

Me and my mum got closer once i moved out - we were too alike and clashed at the smallest thing.

Once i was pg with dd and living away, we spoke every day and realyl started a proper "friendship", sadly, 2 weeks after dd was born she had an internal rupture and died. I was devastated. Especially as we had been getting on so well for the previous year.

I always wanted the perfect relationship with my mum and will do ANYTHING to make sure me and jessica are close. Jess already loves her daddy to pieces so is no doubt gonig to be a daddy's girl but she will also cuddle and kiss me freely.

My mum went back to work when i was 2 and i was left with childminders and my dad when she was working. My dad even admits that mum couldnt cope with me as a toddler/child and it wasnt until I was grown up that i learnt to appreciate her.

I miss her every day now and think about her all the time, and really regret not having the bond with her i needed when i was growing up.

Re important attributes: Fo me, hand-in-hand with unconditional love is constancy. My mother was very inconsistent; I was her pretty little girl one day and her fat pig the next. I also think another important quality for a parent is to remember they are the parent and that children may behave unreasonably and selfishly at times but that is, to a certain extent, their perogative and you can't expect them to parent themselves.

that's a good point too Lantana, constancy

Are you in Australia? I'm in Perth, hello

Bloss ... great post ... and what I wanted to say about my own mum but am not as articulate as you
I would dearly love my mum to live with me ... I have many friends who look at me with this expression: when I say that.
Lantana's comment about consistency struck a chord too ... my mum was always there ... no matter what. She still is, although on the phone as I am in NZ and she is in the UK.
She has always been my rock ... constant, supportive, loving, never needy ...
I hear stories of people's mothers doing the "Look at everything I did for you and this is how you repay me?" (DH's mum did that to him and it took years to mend the relationship) and I am always shocked and saddened by this. My mother always said that she expects no gratitude from her children ... she says that you shouldn't have children if you expect them to repay you ... my mother is a perfect example of how if you love your children unconditionally, admire their individual strength, help them overcome their fears and weaknesses, NEVER EVER compare them with eachother, never let them feel that you love one more than the other .... then they will love you back fully and unconditionally. Like we (my 3 siblings and I) love my mum. We all adore her.

Like Bloss, my mother is the 'goodest' person I know. Heart the size of Africa.

I am seeing her in 2 weeks time and I can't wait ... am crying at the thought!

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Thanks, Bloss. Your mother sounds amazing. Give that woman a medal.

I found it interesting what you said about her not allowing you and your siblings to fight. We only have a baby daughter at the moment, but my husband, who is one of three boys, has said that if we have more kids they should not to be allowed to fight as he really doesn't think it is healthy. I think he is scarred from his fights with his brothers!

What great discipline to be taught to respect your siblings - a fantastic grounding for later relationships, surely. Afterall, we all know it is the ones closest to us that we want to/end up lashing out at, so great to be taught to reign that emotion in and resolve disagreements civilly.

This is so interesting to read and I'm so glad to read some positive stories. I think I'm going to print it off so I re-read and remember some of these things, there do seem to be common themes of love, respect, spending time with your children and firm kindness don't there? Fatmomma, that not being proud of you thing and just not being there (my mum lived abroad from when I was 20 until I was 33 and I only saw her twice a year at most) rings a bell with me, horrible isn't it? I do make sure my son knows I'm proud of him and dd will know so too.

My mum has never been my 'best friend': I stopped confiding in her as a teenager, because being a stroppy adolescent I wanted to keep her at arm's length. The habit stuck and for my 20s and some of my 30s she had a very restricted view of my life. She and I are very similar, unlike my dad who comes from a different lovely, but perplexing planet.
When I was little, she was always there, always dependable, supportive, but maybe slightly absent-minded, which made us fall back on our own resources a bit (we had lots of freedom to run awol in the woods etc). She's a big reader, and because of that we always knew books were fun, a magic ticket. That is probably one of the greatest things she passed onto us.
I've only started to really appreciate her since I've had my children. She and my dad are the best, most hands-on grandparents. They are wildly imaginative with the children, and with me and DH (giving us babysitting money for our birthdays, for eg.) When I had PND after no2, my mother was the only person I wanted to see. Though she had not experienced it, she understood, in a way that even my dear/kind husband did not. For the first time, I just wanted to talk and talk to her, just about the awful way I was feeling. When I wanted not to talk, she understood that as well.
When I had my only panic attack, I remember struggling downstairs to the phone, desperate to hear her voice. Again, she made me feel safe.
She gives and gives and gives. It's still very one-way. I feel bad about that.

I'd just like to add a bit more and say that respect is hugely important. I was always treated as a person even when young. I try to be that way with my dds - would never lie to them or hide things from them, keep them informed about what's going on etc , give them choices when it's possible and appropriate (not that I let them dictate the way we do things or anything but when it doesn't matter I let them decide something).

We also as Bloss said did thank you letters always, were taught good manners and had regular, early bedtimes and a life full of structure and organisation.

I never hugely rebelled - was scared of my dad but also of letting my Mum down.

Once when I was about 8 I wouldn't talk to my Mum (no idea why - in a strop over something) and she started crying and that was it - I NEVER blanked her again ever. I just couldn't bear that I had upset her.

It does help that we are very similar personalities and are both easy to get on with so there is an element of personality in the mix there I think. We usually agree on the way to do something anyway.

My Mum got on well with her Mum and she got on well with her Mum so I come from a long line of good mothers and just hope I'm living up to it.

When my brother got married he had half the people in the reception in tears as he got emotional in his speech talking about my Mum and how 'words couldn't describe how much she meant to him' and things. So she was great with him too!

WWW I think you are in Bristol too so maybe I should lend her out to you??!!!

I'm v v close to my mum, we talk about everyhting, I ring her at least once a day when DH is away it's 2/3 times a day. she's a v strong woman v independant and has rasied us to be the same, also she's never talked at us or down to us, she's talked with us and to us for as long as I remeber. dad found it hard to do but he's getting there as well, she has the same closeness with her mum. if I have a problem she's the first one I talk to, she is my best friend and an excellent listener. even thou we're 250 miles apart i'd be so lost if we weren't close.

odd thing is my aunty is the opposite with her kids I think it's cos she didn't really talk to them.

honesty respect and talking with us basically kept things good with us. we're also v open with things.

yes we had the structure as well, but encouraged to think for ourselves and ask qustions. we could be independant but have the safety of mum and dad being there to guide us.

I want to be everything to my childen that my mother wasn't to me and my brother.

Another point is (God sorry monopolising here!) that my Mum is very independent and has a life outside me and my dds so I don't feel any guilt if we don't see them for a few days or obliged to see her all the time. But yet she's totally there if I need her. In return I treat her with respect too and would never put on her needlessly and constantly check that she's OK with what she does for me. It cuts both ways now I'm a grown up and even as a teenager I would always let her know where I was because I knew she'd worry as I would if she disappeared.