Is the whole 'little boys love their mothers' idea just a myth perpetuated by mothers of boys?

[Pinkjenny]

I am due to have a little boy in December, I already have a 2.5yo dd. Every single person that I tell says, "Little boys love their mothers, they're so loving", blah blah blah.

I mean EVERY person that has boys says this to me, it's like a stock response.

Is it true? Dd is very affectionate and I like to think she loves me too...

OMDB - yes, I did mean that somehow it is implied that boys will love their mothers more than girls do.

I think it just depends on the child. Yes, of course little boys love their mothers - but so do little girls.

As they get older, though, I think the dynamics do change more according to gender - I don't have the closeness to my DS1, for example, that I have with my DD, but he's probably more protective of me - much quicker to leap to my defence etc. I think he worries about me more than DD does.

well pinkjeny that is utter nonsense of course!

Yeah, I'm just inclined to nod politely. My mum (who only has me) gets very offended! As I have no siblings, I am completely open minded about what being the mother of a little boy will be like, but to be honest, I wasn't really expecting a whole new world or anything.

It just feels a bit like people automatically assume you wanted more girls and therefore are disappointed, so try to cheer you up with the 'boys love their mothers' guff.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. And suwoo, if you are reading this, you did not say this to me. You were the only one!

I remember bemoaning the fact that DS considered me chopped liver compared to DH and MIL started in on how funny that was as most boys loved their mothers much more. Her talent at getting a dig in really never does cease to amaze me.

I think boys are a bit more needy of reassurance etc. when small. This is borne out by psychology research and is why they suggest not putting boys in nursery till they are 2-3. Girls do develop earlier and are therefore more independent. This is sometimes interpreted as meaning that boys love their mums more. I think they just demonstrate their need for their mums more. My boys are very affectionate, and emotionally demanding than all the girls I know (we have nieces who we spend alot of time with).

I also think that there is more rivalry between a parent and child of the same sex and more pressure to be a role model, and that is why sometimes relationships to the parent of the opposite sex are easier (though this does not mean they love that parent more).

Sorry if that is a boring psychological answer. Can't help it. Am a psychologist!

Ah well, my poor ds will be going to nursery at 9mo, just like his big sister did, so he'll just have to get on with it, I'm afraid.

Ahem. I'm a pscyhologist and there is plenty of research which shows the opposite to that, and is in direct contract to Steve Biddulph's views, for instance. there is lots of psychology research shows trivial or no gender differences among small children.

'I do know some mothers (not saying anyone on here is like this so don't all jump on me) who are more bracing with their daughters, cos they identify with them, and more tolerant towards their sons as they don't see themselves so closely in them. My SIL was like this, she was quite hard on her dd, always saying, "D is like me, scared of this... bad at that" but far more likely to just see her little boy as a separate person. So I think sometimes there's an element of mothers expecting more from their daughters or being more frustrated with them because they see their own younger selves in them.'

fennel there are reams of psychotherapeutic literature about this.

and in fact, girls are weaned earlier, breastfed less frequently, list goes on...

And since we're getting all academic, I'm gonna throw my twopennorth in...

What the comment 'a girl's a girl the rest of your life... blah blah blah' does is to 'fix' a very gendered expectation in people's heads, thus providing a justification for the 'living out' of those roles.

So when boys don't bother to ring their mothers, or they feel uncomfortable about hugging them in public etc, we all go 'oh that's OK then because that's what boys do...' And when they demonstrate some other kind of affection which is less glorified than mother-loving (such as feeling love and kindness for their male friends) we demonise this and they get barracked...

And when girls actually turn out to dislike their parents and not, in fact, want to look after them because instead she has ambitions to travel the world, we all moan about what a 'failed feminine stereotype' she is...

Don't underestimate the power of platitudes.

Sophable or other psychology people when I had my boys I remember reading that mothers tended to pick them up less often than girls etc. Is that not actually true?

Obviously I didn't take this as an instruction but thought it was interesting in a way.

I do not mollycoddle either, but many women do.

I haven't read all of this but all of my girls are very loving and we are all very close. They are all very different though and all have different needs. I don't see such a huge difference between boys and girls TBH. I find it a bit irritating that people think that if a mother has all girls they are automatically smug about it. Or that they will automatically hate each other in later life.

Yes, there is research which suggests that mothers treat baby boys differently from baby girls from birth, generally without realising it, but different expectations of what is normal for a baby boy or girl affect treatment, which in turn affects behaviour.

Just as parents treat firstborns and subsequent children differently, and have different expectations of them, generally without meaning to.

I think this is ignorant bullshit - gender-based generalisations often are, especially when imposed on children

although I agree it could act as a self-fulfilling prophecy by informing the way parents handle their children and what they expect from them

I can testify that fennel's girls love their mother (and their father!) to the point of soppiness

but then so do my boys - I don't think they prefer one parent (most of the time they scorn love us both equally )

perhaps "children love their parents" would be a useful recasting of the thread title?

This makes me really sad.

I adore my DS - I don't even mind that much when he pushes me away to get to Daddy - and I bloody well resent that, against my will, I'm now worrying that he'll grow up and never ring me and naff off to live miles away with a girl who'll just see me as the stupid MIL and keep me away from any grandchildren... (mumsnet haven't helped in that respect, what with all the MIL threads).

My mum made a really interesting point the other day. She ended up ringing my brother and talking about how sad she was that they'd 'lost touch' and didn't talk about their lives etc. They met up, my DB was v upset that she was upset, much better now. But she said it was partly her fault, and that she'd made less effort keeping close to him because she had daughters.

So am wondering now if it is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I have been told this too. However, I do know that DD absolutely adores me so if I have two who do, marvelous!