I don't think I am a 'parent' these days.

[OrmIrian]

I don't think I am a parent any more. I am just someone who has the charge of some children. I feel as if I am bumbling along encountering problems and dealing with them as best I can. Being delighted when things go well but not feeling I can claim any credit.

There is so much stuff to deal with - practical, emotional, academic- as well as work and house crap, and then of course the relationship with DH which we need to keep healthy for the children's sake as much as our own.

When I only had two and they were little it felt as if I could control the minutiae, micromanage their diet, their activities, their behaviour. Now I have a 12yr old who seems to go his own sweet way, a 10yr old DD suffering from PMT (I suspect) and the most stubborn 6yr old I have ever known (most sutbborn human being for that matter). They do virtually no after-school stuff - poor DS#2 never has, at his age DS#1 was doing loads. I have arranged things in the past but after a while they lost interest and I've not done any more about it. They eat crap - I cook a good meal every day and I try to make sure they eat a reasonable breakfast and I give them a balanced lunch box but it still seems they eat too much junk. The house is a tip - the boys are cramped up in a room together. DD's room is tiny. Their hw gets done somehow - thank f* DD gets on with hers without nagging and DS#1 doesn't get too much atm or we'd be in real trouble . I just realised they haven't been the to the dentist for over a year We usually get a reminder but didn't - no real excuse but I just forgot. I am always forgetting things that need to be done.

You know when you buy a shiny new freezer and it's working beautifully - And you label all the food properly and store it neatly and use things in the right rotation. You clean it out and defrost it regularly. And then 5 years down the line the poor thing hasn't been defrosted for ages, is full of loose peas and stray chips and some home-made soup that spilled on the inside of the drawer. Well that's my DC . They get by more by luck than judgement.

Gosh- I'm absolutely relying on my twins to keep their new sister entertained, Orm! Especially if I'm feeling particularly frazzled. Is this a no no? They seem flattered at my faith in them so far...

How lovely, anniemac.

Orm, snap again. (BTW not sure what the middle, middle bit was all about in previous post ). Bright, lovable and loving, great to have around when not stropping.

Maybe he is checking how much you love him, but he may just be tired and frustrated. Think of the tantrums as just another step up from Terrible Twos, which is all about frustration and becoming individuals. He's old enough to want to do everything, but not old enough to be able to actually do it and that is frustrating - and it's you he'll take it out on.

So long as you lavish him with love and praise when he's not screaming, and tell him that you love him, but it's the screaming you don't like when you leave him to it, he'll be more than fine.

And don't worry about the 'discipline' side, he might calm down for DS1 and DD, but that's because they're not so important to him. He knows they are second best to you and that he is being 'punished' for want of a better word, by you not being there.

And it probably was 'better' before DS2, you've more or less said the same yourself, but they would no more be without him than you would.

Hang on in there. And keep repeating 'this too will pass'. And then look forward to DD's teens!

ok can someone please tell me where I went wrong here - if I did.

DS#2 had some more hw today - just a few making numbers up to 100 sums. The children have been told that if they don't bring it in tomorrow they will miss their break and finish it. So DS#2 very keen. But would he concentrate? Not for 2 seconds. Everyhing was a distraction, he couldn't spend 2 seconds looking at the paper. I was getting stressed at this point. DH got him 10 bits of dried pasta to use as counters. Every time he 'took a bit away' he 'accidentally' flicked it on the floor and had to look for it. And then had to line it all up in colour order. He had done 3 sums after about 15mins. The answer was probably to say that he could leave it and miss break tomorrow - but the thought of that made him really distressed but not enough to bloody get on with it. In the end we made a game of it - I made him recognise the numbers in a list and count back down to 10, or up to 100. But by this time I was so stressed I didn't really want to play a game. We got it done eventually. But what should I have done? Anyone? He either screamed the place down at not getting his hw done (and disturbed the other DC and got himself too wound up to sleep) or sat there winding me up till it was done. I feel exhausted.

I would have stopped, and written in the homework book that we did it for X amount of time and then stopped. for a 6yo (if I've got his age right). Our teachers are generally sympathetic to that, if they know you've tried.

We tend to not do homework if it's causing stress. I like to promote academic (including school) work as fun and optional (will I be on here in 10 or 12 years time wondering why my dc are so underachieving?)

Yeah you are right. But I do want him to get to understand that there are consequences so wouldn't ideally have wanted to give him a get out clause. However I do agree with you overall about hw. TBH this week is the first time they have had any real stuff - apart from reading.

He has a tick chart for going to bed. He did very well for the first 5 days but since then not a single tick.

God it's hard work.....

Yes, it is - hard and thankless. I agree with Fennel, I wouldn't have done the homework. But if you'd decided that's what you wanted him to do fair enough - but was it worth the price you paid? I think homework shouldn't be given to the under 10's, it's just another stick you end up beating yourself with. Don't think about it now, it's over, just weigh up whether it's worth it next time, or if you need to conserve energy for the bedtime battle.

"but was it worth the price you paid?"

Well that's the million-dollar question basking. I feel that more often that not it's the rest of the family that take the consequences as much as, if not more than, DS#2.

The good thing about 6yos though is they do tend to get more reasonable and better behaved as they get a bit older. can you look forward to the easing up of life as he gets a bit bigger? I know mine are SO much easier lately than a few years ago.

Homework for small children who can't be left to do it on their own is a PITA. (or would be except we refuse to stress over it)

I think as soon as he started playing up, and I know it's way easier said than done, I would have said: "Right this hw is supposed to take 10mins, if we haven't finished by then, you'll just have to miss break tomorrow." And follow through, unless of course he was concentrating and it took longer than the 10mins.

Do you ever have 5mins in the morning to mop up bits of left-over hw?

It sounds to me as if you've got yourself so tied up in knots worrying about disrupting/ disturbing the older two that you keep trying to appease DS2, which is maybe muddying his boundaries?

It took me ages to realise, but each time I said to my DD2 at this age anything approaching 'you're disturbing/upsetting the others' she would scream harder and longer.

Ormirian, they are lucky to have him, yes they really truly are, however much of a pain he is now. The sibling relationship is the longest we ever have; it's worth it. I do know a bit I think how you feel, my children are younger than yours, dd7, ds1 2, ds2 6 weeks. Ds2 wasn't exactly planned and is proving to be a real pita, which upsets me as it impacts on the other two. I can handle it, but why on earth should they have to?

Have you thought about having a family meeting? I keep meaning to do it, will try again over the weekend. Maybe devise a few house rules together? A bit of a chat about expectations and behaviour? How what we do can affect other people? Would you like to make any changes?, that sort of thing.

by the way when I said I could handle it, I was fibbing/kidding myself.

Could your DD walk people's dogs for free? I really wanted a dog when I was 10 and wasn't allowed so I used to walk (small) dogs for a couple of elderly people in my road.

DS is 6 and if he can't get down to his homework yet really wants to do it, we take a break and try later, even if this means doing it last thing at night (after teeth and before bedtime story).

otherside - she does that for one neighbour with her friend, but it's a good idea to see if anyone else has a dog that needs walking.Thanks

annie - that's good to hear. Your little bro sounds very like DS~2. Here's hoping that 8 brings some peace!