I don't think I am a 'parent' these days.

[OrmIrian]

I don't think I am a parent any more. I am just someone who has the charge of some children. I feel as if I am bumbling along encountering problems and dealing with them as best I can. Being delighted when things go well but not feeling I can claim any credit.

There is so much stuff to deal with - practical, emotional, academic- as well as work and house crap, and then of course the relationship with DH which we need to keep healthy for the children's sake as much as our own.

When I only had two and they were little it felt as if I could control the minutiae, micromanage their diet, their activities, their behaviour. Now I have a 12yr old who seems to go his own sweet way, a 10yr old DD suffering from PMT (I suspect) and the most stubborn 6yr old I have ever known (most sutbborn human being for that matter). They do virtually no after-school stuff - poor DS#2 never has, at his age DS#1 was doing loads. I have arranged things in the past but after a while they lost interest and I've not done any more about it. They eat crap - I cook a good meal every day and I try to make sure they eat a reasonable breakfast and I give them a balanced lunch box but it still seems they eat too much junk. The house is a tip - the boys are cramped up in a room together. DD's room is tiny. Their hw gets done somehow - thank f* DD gets on with hers without nagging and DS#1 doesn't get too much atm or we'd be in real trouble . I just realised they haven't been the to the dentist for over a year We usually get a reminder but didn't - no real excuse but I just forgot. I am always forgetting things that need to be done.

You know when you buy a shiny new freezer and it's working beautifully - And you label all the food properly and store it neatly and use things in the right rotation. You clean it out and defrost it regularly. And then 5 years down the line the poor thing hasn't been defrosted for ages, is full of loose peas and stray chips and some home-made soup that spilled on the inside of the drawer. Well that's my DC . They get by more by luck than judgement.

Oh phew, I was just about to post this:

"Aargh, now reading over my last paragraph and hoping you don't feel fed up reading it - I don't mean, ner ner, rather - if I'd had my first as my last I'd have been hit like a ton of bricks, she's so much harder work.... [curly stops digging and skulks off]"

but you understood where I was coming from. Phew.

Well - I think the ones that can do all that, plus have two parents working, are probably not really human - I think they have different dna. Not a kind we have in this family, for definite...

Oh yuck. Salad for dinner?!

I agree with curleyredhead that you do do quite a lot. I haven't been swimming with DSS for about a year (DH has been a couple of times during holidays), he doesn't get to go horse riding, he just gets a piano lesson every week. To be perfectly honest though, he doesn't want to do lots, he'd rather chill out at home with us. Which is good as we couldn't afford it anyway (can just about afford piano)!

I bet your family think you're lovely and probably never think to say it. DSS keeps not saying 'I love you' back to me when I put him to bed but does to DH which has been bothering me for a while. Last week he told me he was sad he didn't have his Mummy but told me I was the 'best step mummy ever' so it was just in my head. Like most of my negative thoughts so DH says. Try to see the doctor about your medication and make sure you tell your DH how you're feeling. I think you'll feel better having the support and that'll probably only happen if he knows!!

I think those Mums are the ones with the money and the 'help'!

Also they are the ones who don't play with their children; they are too busy cleaning.

Well that means you can now buy a shiney new fridge freezer and everything will work beautifully again and there will be no further problems.

Seriously, I agree with fennel. Have always thought they they sound lovely, like their mum. Sorry you're feeling low.

Oh they are very nice. DS#1 (12, into Green Day and skateboarding) has agreed to come to see the St Petersburgh Symphony Orchestra cos I wanted to and he knows I don't want to go alone. Greater love hath no son

Wow-very impressive DS, especially aged 12! I love my Mum very much but that would have been too much (and possibly would be now )!

Hey scummy! Hope you're right. Twill have to come from the fridge fairy though as we have no spare dosh atm

OrmIrian,
Practical steps first: defrost the fridge/ freezer for a couple of days and the fridge will probably work again. The cold air from the freezer has to circulate into the fridge and the ducts can be blocked or so I was told a couple of months ago when mine went. Worked a treat.

Second: this too will pass. I have three, similar age gaps to yours and I remember well the just muddling through when they were 12, 10 and 5. Older two not quite old enough to be completely independent but too old to want to be 'mummied' all the time and I could never get the balance right for them or so it seemed.
I was also working and struggling to make ends meet.

But my oldest is coming up to 16 now and life has been a lot easier for a couple of years - at least the gaps between the feelings of being completely beseiged are getting longer :[ Still have ishoos mind just different ones to feeling overwhelmed!

And yours do sound lovely, (very at DS1 and the orchestra} which you have to take credit for, you must be doing something right.

And don't going inverting that to think you're doing something wrong with your despot! I suspect all DC3s have to find a way to be different - mine was by far the easiest up to this point, he knew being bolshy and obstreperous would just lump him in with the other two, yours has just found the best way to assert his individualness!

Oh thanks! I will give that a go - providing I can find someone to give a temporary home to all my frozen stuff (tis packed atm and the food is probably worth more than the FF TBH).

I am hoping that things will ease up over the next few years as yours did.

Try saying yes to the children more, even for very little things. Sometimes you feel like all you ever say is 'in a minute', 'not now'
'maybe later' etc etc. Tonight, after a particularly moany afternoon, we managed ragged stumble up the lane, dd (7) wanted to ride her bike on an empty trailer, I was about to say no, then thought well why can't she? Perhapes that's a crap example. Children don't need to do activities as such, more important is your attention, which is hard to give when so much petty stuff is cluttering up your head like the freezer or the permanent state of the house. Free yourself. It's ok. Just be with them. You have to let go. Don't worry about what other parents are or aren't doing - really don't - that way madness lies.

Be the mother YOU want to be - don't sweat the small stuff, think big picture.

Easy to say, not so easy to do, day in day out. Mostly I just want to put the entire contents of my house in a giant bin bag and take it to the dump. I get so fed up just even seeing the same stuff all the time, let alone actually dealing with it.

Try not to fall into the trap of 'if only' - if you had a bigger house it might make life easier but equally you'd just have more to clear up. Also with ds2, he's a challenge, but he's here now, you can't go back. He completes your family, without him, it wouldn't be what you fantasize it to be, honestly. He's with you for a reason.

This may or may not be helpful...your house and family attitude sounds nice. There's something worrying about cramming children's days with activities, timetabling the week and running a house like a despot. I remember when I was a child, I used to love going round to friends' houses that were chilled, cluttered and the kids were left to use their own initiative and imagination rather than have their lives run for them. Our house was a mix of the 2 as my mother hired a cleaner (top tip). Honestly- relax, you sound like a lovely mother. Oh and I second the cupboard who's sole use is to be a receptacle for crap shoved away in case of visitors.......I have 3....

orm. my kids are younger than yours (8, 5, 3) but i wanted you to know that i feel pretty much the same as you.

our house is an absolute shit tip...made worse by the fact we are building a much needed extension which has cause the dirt and dust to be never ending.

my ds has just started playing sport after school for one evening and on a weekend. my nephews the same age don't have a spare window in their week..music, football, rugby,climbing lessons, tutors etc and it makes me feel incredibly guilty and inadequate that i'm not offering mine the same opportunities....but, they seem happy enough most of the time.

i could go on, but i'll spare you! you are not alone...there are many of us "fly by the seat of our pants" type mums...we are just as good as the organised ones, we are just a bit less ironed around the edges!

chin up, try and get your meds sorted, and i hope you'll be on the up very soon. x

Thanks everyone.

basking - I had to laugh a little when I saw your post I am the most laidback mother possible. My usual response to anything is 'yes' or 'we'll see'. And that worked beautifully with my first 2 but DH and I have had to learn to be stricter with DS#2. Last night was a prime example - he had eaten his dinner and finished his little bit of hw so I said he could watch an episode of Scooby Doo in my room - he wanted to put the disk in (fine), but he refused to let me help at all, and then insisted on switching off the light because I had switched it on, and then trying to put the DVD in in the dark. He couldn't see what he was doing, he scratched the disk, and would not let me help. There was also the time element - nearly bedtime. So I counted to 10 - and he left it till the very last minute before he let me have the disk. And then went and took the disk out so he could do it again and switched off the light. How do you deal with that? he ended up not watching the DVD and cried. Beleive me we have tried letting things go and he just demands more.

That's a frustrating situation. If I was in a zen mood, I probably would have left the room when he said he didn't want any help and thought, right he really must have an early night tomorrow. If I was in a more ffs I've had enough, there probably would have been tears. Yep, really consistent parenting.

I'm glad I made you laugh. Actually I think you sound like a lovely mum, but too hard on yourself. Not the kids, they're fine, it's you. You know the Dalai Lama had to have self critisism explained to him. Give yourself the same respect you so obviously give everyone else.

well you sound just the kind of parent I aspire to be (and kind of am). So it depends on what kind of parent you want to be. Our house is a shit tip- most of the time we look like we've been burgled (only the culprits also leave 3 day old veg bits in the sink plug, dirty washing strewn over the conservatory, toys all over the landing and a potty in the hall ). I go swimming with ds once a week (but only 'casuse we paid for it in advance) but most of the time we bumble about. We have a list of house jobs as long as your arm- de-clutter, get man in to look at leaking roof, fix cupboard door back on, get life insurance etc etc. They never seem to get done though and it doesn't seem to be too much of a problem that they don't. Instead we hang out at as a family, talk, spend weekends being friendly (ie slobbing about and seeing some friends in the park) and well...... actually I'm not sure what. All this and I only have one ds , god knows how on earth anything will get done when number two arrives(due in march). Yet, everyone tells me that ds is the most social, happy chappy they have come across. The reason being (with my professional hat on) is what makes children happy is NOT, clean houses, activities or their own room, but loving parents who can set boundaries whilst letting them know they are loved. And on this measure you would be scoring 10 out of 10, and that let me tell you is a bloody hard thing to pull off. In my (part-time) profession I see endless cases of adults and children parented by people who care about the wrong things and I also see the heart break and destruction that causes. The things you provide your children with are setting up with a very precious gift, so well done you.

Thanks basking

Leaving the situation is the only thing we can do sometimes but he then calls us back in ten minutes because he finds he really can't do something. I refuse to be at his back and call as I have 2 others who need me. And when I don't he screams himself into hysterics - then the other children feel so sorry for him they come and talk to him or read to him So I feel like a total heel.

Thanks hettie. I think we must have the same burglars....

Oh boy, those burglars, they get everywhere.

I know it's not just my impression, either. A neighbour was burgled during our holiday, and the friend who was looking after our house at the time said, 'I had a good look round your house, but I couldn't tell if you'd been burgled or not...' [friend trails off before digging hole any deeper]

ROFL!

I think any burglars would feel obliged to tidy for us!

Orm, my middle DD2, the middle one, was just how you describe DS2. A nightmare. Could never do anything right for her. If you tried to help it was 'go away', if you didn't help there was screams of frustration.

Sorry, but no tips on how to deal with it. I think we just rode it out until it stopped - dealing it the best way we could on each occasion. Now she's more independent and practical than her older sister.

As to feeling a heel because your older two intervene - don't. That's what families do, they help each other out and what better way of bonding for three of them. DS1 and DD know you're not ignoring him because you are nasty or cruel. They want to help, let them.

My older two also take on the youngest if she's screaming or crying and we aren't responding sufficiently nicely. Last night dd3 (5) was yelling her head off going to bed, tired, she wouldn't stop yelling so I said I couldn't read a story in all the yelling. I went off, and locked myself into my room to get some peace. and dd1 (9) spent the next half hour calming dd3 down and reading her a story.

it's sweet that they care about each other. I don't see a problem with that.

Hi cheerful! It is hard isn't it. Problem is he is also utterly adorable, bright, loving, enthusiastic. I just don't know why he has to get his own way all the time - it feels as if he is challenging us to prove how much we love him.

It is sweet fennel, but there's the discipline element I (hate and despise that word) that if he's been left because he is being a pita that is part of the 'punishment'. But also I feel that if his older siblings are getting upset by his crying and our way of dealing with him, that isn't good for them. They have said to me that it was 'better before DS#2 was here'

I know, last night I did feel a bit bad that dd1 spent ages cheering up and mollifying dd3. But in the end, I'd told dd3 I could not and would not read over her yelling, and I stuck to that, so she got me being consistent, and perhaps it's not a problem if dd1 then moves in, that's between them and dd3 has still realised that I am not prepared to read to someone who won't stop yelling.

a lot of these thigns sound like normal family life, but you are, as others say, being quite hard on yourself for the things that aren't perfect.