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Parenting

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Original poster

My son sucks at football. He is the worst on the team

59 replies

QuintessentialShadow · 20/09/2009 20:48

and my mistake was that I did not straight away tell him "Rubbish", when he said this.

I was honest. I told him I thought he had played really good football this tournament, I was really proud of him as he has improved immensly. He said he was the worst, and I said no, but there were a few really good players and he cant expect to be as good as boys who has been playing for so much longer than him.

He was devastated. I have always believed in honesty, so I asked him "would you believe me if I told you I thought you were as good as the three star players on the team"

He had no reply.

So, how should one best handle this sort of thing? When your child is keen on a sport, enjoys the sport, the team spirit, but is not as good as some fo the others, yet wants desperatly to be?

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liahgen · 20/09/2009 21:10

lily well done to your ds

Football is so competitive sometimes even amongst the youngsters. ds1 enjoys much more now, his old team recently asked if he would return, I thought he would jump at the chance cos some of his best mates are in it, but he said no, he'd rather be in this team where he always get sa game.

quint he will indeed find his place, not exactly fair averages today buy the sound of it.

ds1's team were beaten 15-1 last week.

today they won 4 - 0

ingles2 · 20/09/2009 21:10

sorry a million x posts, I shouldn't try and watch doc martin at the same time

francagoestohollywood · 20/09/2009 21:17

Watching this with interest. Ds is convinced he is Pele'... I'm not sure what to tell him...

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Lilyloo · 20/09/2009 21:21

Franca confidence is a good thing

Liahgen 15-1 , thanks don't really expect it to go anywhere as it is fiercly competitive and not sure he is ready for that yet but see how it goes for now!!

Quints then next match they will win and today will all be forgotten!

Original poster

QuintessentialShadow · 20/09/2009 21:21

Franca, I am beginning to think my son thought he played REALLY well, and said he sucked just to make me say he played excellent. Because on the one hand he said that, and later he said, with a sad face "but I thought I was doing good".

So do I big him up next time he asks?

lillyloo well done to your ds!

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francagoestohollywood · 20/09/2009 21:26

Oh poor little things! My son is 7 like yours, and sometimes I think well he is still little, why shouldn't he be convinced he is like Pele' or Spiderman or Einstein or whoever he wants to be like?

ingles2 · 20/09/2009 21:28

ah... praise by stealth..
difficult to know what to say then...
Next time he says I suck, just say, do you really think so? hopefully that'll weedle out what he really wants to hear.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadow · 20/09/2009 21:31

Yeah, I suppose I should try the "fishing" approach and turn it back at him as a question, at least then I wont hurt his feelings!

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ingles2 · 20/09/2009 21:32

Nah...sod it... I've changed my mind.. he's only tiny, just tell him he's brilliant. Reality can wait for another year.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/09/2009 21:33

My DS is 8 and exceptionally self aware about this sort of thing. It can be somewhat disconcerting, and other people tend to when he gives a fairly dispassionate appraisal of his performance at something. He is rubbish at football. He used not to care, and then he did care and stopped playing. He is also not musical. At all. He's good at Maths and know the map of the world better than anyone else in his class. I'm hoping this is all very healthy, but it does seem odd, even to me.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadow · 20/09/2009 21:37

Goodness, I hope I havent crushed his enjoyment of football! It would be horrible if he stopped playing because he thinks he isnt any good.

The star players are strikers, they will just race across the entire field at the speed of light and BOOM whack the ball into the goal. He admires that.

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Quattrocento · 20/09/2009 21:43

I remember DS's first football tournament. He was unquestionably the worst player on the team. In fact he was the only player to be seen skipping (yes literally) and singing away happily to himself on the pitch. There was a photographer there taking photographs of the boys for fond parents to buy. The photographer didn't manage to get the ball and DS in the same shot, for the simple reason that DS was never anywhere near the ball.

The club was quite a lovely little club which believed in supporting the players and awarded DS the man of the match thing.

Which kind of left all the other parents gasping for breath and surprised DS. He had a chat with me about it afterwards, and asked me why he'd been given man of the match.

I went for truth. Better policy in the long term, I thought. For us. They have to be able to rely on you to be truthful, I think. I mean not the plain truth, just you know, slightly gilded but the truth nonetheless.

ingles2 · 20/09/2009 21:47

They all want to be strikers, they think scoring goals is the be all and end all. It takes them a long time to understand the football is a team game

liahgen · 20/09/2009 21:54

My ds gets man of the match fairly regularly, simply because he is one of the best team players, he's stand in captain when the original one isn't there and today he was so, so winning when he was captaining was a real boost for hium.

At our awards we have a "players player" which the other members of the team vote on secretly and ds has won that a couple of times, I think that's one of the best awards personally.

I agree with ingles they do all think strikers are the best, ds1 is almost 12 and he now realises that's not so.

Bless em, they're just children, you hear some of the parents at the sidelines

Clary · 20/09/2009 22:13

Oh gosh it's so hard.

There will always be better and worse players, you are right QS. My DS1 is pretty poor (not on a team but trains and sometimes play with Cubs etc) but I think he knows it. I try to bolster his confidence with chat about how he could do better (he is strong and big but doesn't give it the effort tbh)

But if yr DS is doing his best, that's all we can ask really. I don't think you should have told him he was the best, no. Footie is one of those things which ultimately will take no prisoners - kids need to know they are not great or they will believe they can be Ronaldo and then be disppointed (of course).

crikey QS he's only in yr 2 then? unless v young in yr 3 and at the first stage really. Oh best give him some good bolstering up. Sorry I thought you meant he was 11 or so.

My team (U7s btw not U8s) is made up of several 6 yos and one who has just turned 7. We have played about 4 matches. We haven't won yet (tho we scored today). Nobody is talking about anybody sucking (thank goodness). But if DS2 said what yr son said (he's 6.5) I would have been honest, but certainly stressed that there is time to improve- and great goalscorers at 6 are not always up there at 8-9.

That tournament sounds very demoralising for all. Sympathy.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadow · 21/09/2009 11:32

Thanks for such good and thoughtful posts, everybody.

Quattro, that is a little how I feel, and you describe your son in a way that I think he and my son are sort of a little kindred in spirit. Football is ok, but summersaults are rainbows are interesting, and the focus is not allways on the ball. However, he wants badly to be good.

Clary, I guess the middle way will be a lot of both bolstering and some honesty along the way. I shall also make an effort to notice and praise all the goods things he does so he overall feels good about himself.

I think he can handle feeling "not so good at football", if he is confident in other aspects. Like, he is doing well at Tae kwond do, he is doing remarkably well off road cycling (and cycling) in general, etc..

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DillyTantay · 21/09/2009 11:35

ds3 was pretty lame at football - he is much better at rugby

itsbeingsocheerful · 21/09/2009 13:14

Quint does your son watch football on the TV?

I have discovered that since my 8yo DS, not a striker, watches regularly he has got more of an idea about how important all the team is. Obviously, a running commentary from me/DH helps.

Man U is his team and it has really helped him to see that although not as 'big' as Rooney or Ronaldo the likes of O'Shea are very important.

He now sees himself as a midfield general, who can score occasionally but is more than playing his part by getting the assists.

mmrsceptic · 21/09/2009 13:18

totally agree with courtney who had it on the first response

tell him he's the best

he won't believe you, he's not stupid, but just tell him you think he's the best at everything, sounds like he needs to hear it

nb doesn't work with someone who thinkds they are the best at everything!

Original poster

QuintessentialShadow · 21/09/2009 14:07

We dont have a tv. If footie is on when visiting grandparents, he will watch it eagerly.

We are going to buy a tv shortly. We will have to, I have just ordered a blardy satelite dish! When the engineer comes to install it, he will need to test it against something, wont he??

OP posts:

DillyTantay · 21/09/2009 14:12

why dont you have a tv?

Original poster

QuintessentialShadow · 21/09/2009 14:29

We live in a newly built house, there was no areal, and we just did not prioritize installing one and buying a tv, so many other things to spend money on. Like furniture!

OP posts:

applepudding · 21/09/2009 18:29

I think that what you said to him had the right amount of praise and honest assessment of the situation. You told him he had improved and could may be add that lots of practice (and maybe additional training sessions?) will help him to be even better.

I had a very sad DS who went to football camp last summer and was put in a group of children who were mainly older than him (he was just 7 and the others were up to 9) and some of the children had told him his playing was no good. It has put him off going to this sort of thing unless he knows all the children, or at least knows he isn't the youngest which is a real shame as he really enjoys playing.

Clary · 21/09/2009 22:30

Really surprised that some posters think you should say he's the best.

What's the point? If he knows it's not true then he won't trust you again; if he thinks it is true then you are in real trouble...

I think you can be positive without lying - tell him that speed and goalscoring ability at 7 will come out in the wash; a good team player will be much better value by the time they are 11 and can all run fast and kick hard.

ingles2 · 21/09/2009 22:52

At 7 Clary? Do you think so?
The last thing you want at that age is your child to give up because they're not the best.
You want them to be confident and having fun and they're not doing that if they're worrying about their performance and looking round comparing themselves to everyone else.
Besides It's no lie if Quint says "I think you're the best" I sure she does.
I totally agree as they get older, but as far as I know all under 8 FA football is meant to be non competitive anyway.

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