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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Ds has changed his mind about going to after school club after I have paid for it, AGAIN!

84 replies

andlipsticktoo · 07/09/2009 20:07

Please could anyone give me some good ideas, you clever mumsnetters, to encourage my ds3 (7) to go to the 'Mad Science' club that he so desperately wanted to go to until he changed his mind.

This isn't the first time.

He wanted to go to football club. So I paid the fee and on the day of the first lesson he bottled it and didn't want to go. No amount of persuasion from myself or the coach would sway hin. Luckily I got my money back.

He wanted to do 'multisports' with the rest of his class. He was very excited about doing it until the day of the first lesson. He changed his mind.

So when he came home with a letter for a super duper mad science after school club and excitedly declared he 'really wanted to do it', I reminded him of how things had gone previously, but he was 'absolutely sure' this time that he would go.

I paid the rather extortionate fee and it starts this thursday. He now doesn'twant to go.

I am sure he is just nervous and I have told him I will go with him to the first one, but he is adamant he will not go.

Do any of you have any fabulous ideas about how to cajole him into trying it??

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morningpaper · 10/09/2009 11:09

Aw, does he have behavioural problems like this in school for other things? How do they deal with it?

Agree with the other advice though - I think it you keep letting him 'escape' from things then he is always going to think that life is negotiable if you scream enough.

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 11:17

No I am not new to MN - just not a 'celebrity'.

If you read what I have said you will see that my attitude has always been 'I have paid, so you are going'.

It doesn't stop me feeling crap about it though.

There have been a couple of behavioural problems at school in the past, but they always happen at school and not at home. I have 3ds and he is the youngest, the others have never, ever had any problems at school, quite the opposite in fact, they are 'model' pupils.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 10/09/2009 11:18

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morningpaper · 10/09/2009 11:20

I wonder if younger children are more prone to hanging onto the apron strings?

Well good luck anyway, try not to worry too much. If they ring, what are you going to do? Wait until the end or go and collect him?

(Think I would probably collect and then make him go to bed because I would be in a blind rage )

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 11:22

Sorry, I'm not saying that in an aggressive way, just pointing out waht I have said before and giving some background.

Sorry if I offended you. It really wasn't meant that way.

I'm feeling down about it because I'm wondering if he does have some underlying problems.

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Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 11:25

I did sit down with hin this morning and have a long chat about the fact that it is probably just nerves about doing something new and different. And I added that if he made a big fuss at school about not going he would go straight to bed when he got home...

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FiveGoMadInDorset · 10/09/2009 11:25

Is there anyone who can pick up your other DC for you on the club day so that the teacher doesn't even have an option to come and find you?

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 11:30

I have pretended to ds3 that I will not be there at pick up time, so as far as he is concerned that option is not there.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 10/09/2009 11:31

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snorkie · 10/09/2009 11:56

Did you speak to the teachers? Do they know that there is likely to be trouble & that they need to handle it and get him to go along? If not, then I would phone the school explain it all (about what's happened before) and make sure they are all geared up to chivvie him along at the time.

Oh and best wishes - it's a phase, it will pass and I doubt there's any sinister underlying stuff, but he may have found it's a way of getting attention.

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 11:57

That' it exactly shineon - he's all enthused, then as the day approaches becomes all anxious. I just think he's got to face his fears in order to be less anxious about other new things.

I will definitely not be booking any more new clubs for a while! It's a shame though because I think the more new experiences he has, the less anxious he will become.

I have just phoned the school and apparently he calmed down about 10 minutes after I left!

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RumourOfAHurricane · 10/09/2009 11:59

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Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 12:00

Yes I spoke to his teacher (who is lovely) and the Head Snorkie! They both know what to expect.

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snorkie · 10/09/2009 12:00

It would be a shame to say no clubs at all and might not help him get over his apprehension of them - could you not say, only clubs/activities that are pay as you go for a while?

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 12:03

I have to say I'm the same even now!

I've got a new course starting on Saturday all day, and I'm pooping my pants!

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snorkie · 10/09/2009 12:04

Oh good! Fingers crossed for a good result then - try not to worry too much. Dd used to be a stubborn moo like this too - she's much better now.

snorkie · 10/09/2009 12:07

eek x posts - not good that you are anxious too, good that the teachers are in the know.

charis · 10/09/2009 12:10

Does he know another boy who is going to the club? I have this problem with my ds (8) as he is incredibly shy. He is quite capable of making an enourmous scene and showing himself up though. His teacher paired him up with an older boy who earns merits for mentoring him.

The other boy is quite confident and very kind, ds idolises him somewhat and wouldn't want to make a fuss in front of him as that wouldn't be cool. It has worked well for us.

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 12:19

Yes he knows a couple of others but they are all older than him. It's a Year 2 to 6 thing, and he's in Y2. I think that probably adds to the nerves.

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tinierclanger · 10/09/2009 12:25

There seems to have been a lot of very tough 'advice' on here. I was a very shy 7 year old and I can imagine being deeply anxious about something like that. I agree that there is an issue if he insists he wants to go and it is paid for and then he backs out, but I don't think the solution is necessarily to be as harsh about as some of you are suggesting.

I think as an earlier poster suggested, it may be more to do with learning the art of pretending to be brave, maybe some role-play?

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 12:38

He is quite immature for his age, which is probably my fault as he is the youngest in our family.

He is above average academically but below average socailly and emotiionally. I think I do need to be firm about this but I have shown him I am very understanding.

I think the tip about 'pretending to be brave' is a good one.

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tinierclanger · 10/09/2009 12:49

It's certainly something that worked for me as an adult, I wonder if it would have helped me as a child? I'd like to think so.

You sound like a very supportive, kind mother.

krugerparkrules · 10/09/2009 12:58

this is something (advice below) that my friend did with her also shy daughter

could you tell him on the day that it is happening, that it is okay that he doesnt go, but you have to go (as this is polite etc) and let the person in charge now. That way you get him there, and he might choose to stay .... It might take the fear away from him, and give him a chance to go as he will know that he doesnt have to participate.

stealthsquiggle · 10/09/2009 13:06

My DS got taught a song in his singing lessons (it's from The King & I) - 'whenever I feel afraid' - it rang so true - and the ability to walk into any situation definitely came at the age when he was able to rationalise the concept of 'pretending to be brave'

Original poster

andlipsticktoo · 10/09/2009 13:34

That's great stealth! I have just downloaded the song from itunes, so there may be a lot of whistling in our house fot a while!

I do appreciate everyone's advice.

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