Ds has changed his mind about going to after school club after I have paid for it, AGAIN!

[andlipsticktoo]

Please could anyone give me some good ideas, you clever mumsnetters, to encourage my ds3 (7) to go to the 'Mad Science' club that he so desperately wanted to go to until he changed his mind.

This isn't the first time.

He wanted to go to football club. So I paid the fee and on the day of the first lesson he bottled it and didn't want to go. No amount of persuasion from myself or the coach would sway hin. Luckily I got my money back.

He wanted to do 'multisports' with the rest of his class. He was very excited about doing it until the day of the first lesson. He changed his mind.

So when he came home with a letter for a super duper mad science after school club and excitedly declared he 'really wanted to do it', I reminded him of how things had gone previously, but he was 'absolutely sure' this time that he would go.

I paid the rather extortionate fee and it starts this thursday. He now doesn'twant to go.

I am sure he is just nervous and I have told him I will go with him to the first one, but he is adamant he will not go.

Do any of you have any fabulous ideas about how to cajole him into trying it??

He takes a while to warm to any new experience. And that's the frustrating thing - I know he will love it if he just gives it a chance!

You have DaisymooSteiner and so have some others, thanks. Just feeling defensive as I was looking for advice and now feel like a crap ineffectual parent!

So what negotiating strategies have worked before on other things? Because unless you can (as someone suggested) get someone else to pick up DS2 so that you really aren't there, then you are going to have to negotiate. I am working on the assumption that you are confident that he would enjoy it once he got there?

If not, then write it off (again) with the condition that you are just not going to book him into things for the forseeable future, however desperate he is to go...it could be something you just have to wait out ("it's just a phase"). I repeatedly spent ages in queues for things (fairground rides, etc) with my DS only for him to bottle out at the last minute - then at about 3.6 a switch flipped somewhere in his brain and he decided to pretend to be brave - he now walks into any strange situation with head held (nervously) high and always ends up enjoying it.

tbh, withdrawing pocket money etc is not going to make a huge impact on a 7yo

he sounds stubborn, and is likely to just shrug his shoulders so he can get his own way if you take money off him

Well, it's easy to judge online isn't it, don't take it to heart. Hope you get him sorted!

Thats why I was suggested selling something he already had AF...noone paid the blindest bit of attention though...

I think I will talk to his teacher about not being there. I so want him to go as I'm sure he'll enjoy it. And he'll never get over his fear if he's not made to go this time.

Thanks to those who gave helpful advice.

btw can you do one of those mad science things at home - like the mentos in the lemonade or whatever it is and then excitedly chat about how it will be at the club?

I very much doubt he is the only kid who has ever had a wobble at an after school club. I hope it goes well.

Any chance you can talk him through pretending to be brave (the art of bluff) and that he would listen? My DS has a tendency to over-think everything, and when he switched out of this sort of reaction it was definitely a conscious decision on his part.

lipstick, all advice helps, even if you don't agree with it

you should thank people for taking the time to post, tbh, not just those who are sympathetic

just a thought

AnyFucker he is! And your right, taking pocket money away just wouldn't bother him - he's just had his birthday, and being 3rd child mostly gets money.

Thanks though, I think I just needed to think it through a bit, and getting the teachers on board is my way forward.

It wasn't sympathy I was after AF! Just helpful advice and not condemnations. I'd rather people didn't take the time for that tbh

Is he really sensitive? I was like this as a child to some extent. I did always manage to go but was usually quite paralyzed with fear at first. Can you do a mad science experiment at home tomorrow? Or read about one? how many other kids are in the club? Anyone he knows? Is so could you connect with the parent so that he has a buddy?

With ds1 we would generally sit down and tell him he had to go and stay for x amount of time. Whatever you want to try. And then we would say, "If at the end of that time you don't want to stay we will come get you." I always made sure the teacher knew of this arrangement and was in agreement. I never had to go although once it was a bit close. The teacher launched into an excellent distraction and he settled on in.

you see, differing opinion helps you think it through!

My advice-make him go, but get a caring teacher/helper on board

and warn them not to come and get you if he acts out, it can't be the 1st time they have had to deal with a reluctant child

my ds is just the same, he hates change and would do nothing if we let him

Oh, and you might think about asking to stay with him for a few minutes at first and gradually bowing out if you think that would help.

I would try to get a teacher/headteacher on board with him going. You sound like you are not getting enough support from the school to encourage him to go. dd1(age 6) had a massive wobble about going to afterschool football club. After a couple of weeks of her protesting the headteacher agreed with me to tell her that she had asked to do the club, mummy had paid and that she could stop at the end of the term if she didn't want to continue,but she had to go to the days that had been paid for. After this she went to the rest of the sessions with no problems. She doesn't go anymore but knows the option is open to her and talks about going when she is a bit older.

HTH (and makes sense as I have had a bit to drink!)

Can you find out if any of his friends are going and maybe ask them to convince him to go? Or ask the people running the club to ask if your DS will help a younger member of the science club by settling them in and being their buddy or something? Generally find some way of making him feel he really needs to be there and couldn'tpossibly miss it?

And I agree with the others about getting the staff on board. They shouldn't just be bringing him out to you.

He's totally barmy about any science bype stuff, we've made volcanoes and mento rockets at home, and his favourite tv programme is Brainiac. It's not what thte club is about it's just going! It is about him being brave and overcoming his nerves. None of his friends are going, but tbh his friends all went to the last club and he still didn't want to go!

He just loves routine. He likes to come out of school at the end of the day, have a drink, and run about with his friends in the playground for half an hour before heading home. Simple. And any change from that, however exciting, is scary for him.

The HT is very understanding, I will talk to him tomorrow.

just like my son

he needs a (gentle) push

every time you give in makes it harder next time, but you already know that

good luck

Thank you. It aint going to be rosey on thursday...

OK so I've just left him at school all blotchy and crying because he doesn't want to go to Mad Science club. I havve told him I wont be at school to collect him until after the club finishes.

He is insisting he is not going. I have insisted he is.

I just feel crap and worried he's going to disrupt the class ... I know he is stubborn and this could continue for some time.