How do you deal with overbearing Grandparents?

[SheWillBeLoved]

I feel absolutely awful for typing this but how do you deal with them? DD is almost 5 weeks old, and her dads mum is constantly pestering us to let her stay overnight at her house, 30 miles away.

She always phones/leaves messages on FB/leaves me voicemails if I ignore miss her calls, asking when "I'm going to get off my arse and bring her granddaughter to see her as she doesn't want her growing up not knowing who she is" She's 5 weeks old fgs! She laughs when she says it to make it seem like a joke, but I don't find it very funny any more.

We make the trip up there once a week, usually Sunday, it's the only time we can make it as I don't drive and he works all week.

As soon as we get there, she snatches the car seat off me, whisks DD into the living room, and whether she is asleep or not - will either get her out, or poke and prod at her whilst cooing in her face and shouting her name. She also whacks me away whenever I go to my own bloody daughter, saying "She's in my house now, my turn!". Then continues to constantly ask when she can stay over, and reels off a list of days which are convenient for her.

I do stand up to her, but as she makes it seem like she is just joking - there's only so much I feel I can say without just wanting to whack her one

I find her completely suffocating, but everybody else seems to think it's normal. I don't want her staying out, I don't see any need for my 5 week old baby to be away from me overnight. I'm not that exhausted, and even if I was - it'd do me no good as I'd spend my night awake wondering if she was okay.

Am I being a bitch? Is she just an excited grandma or an annoying git? If the latter, any tips on how best to deal with her?

I have had shades of this with MIL wanting my then 6wo to herself, she was quite indignant she hadn't had the baby for a whole afternoon or overnight even though I was BF

I just kept saying "When DD's older I'm sure she'll love to stay with you" and left it at that.

When MIL is round she doesn't talk much directly to me, for example I might say, "So how's the new pond going, did you get it in this weekend?" Her (to DD) "Oh we don't want to talk about ponds, do we?" leaving me feeling pretty foolish. I never know what to say after that, as carrying on the conversation seems ridiculous when she'll rebut it via speaking to DD IYSWIM.

No doubt it won't be long before the "MILS Are Fab And Do No Wrong Group" are posting away but I bet the MILs they are or deal with don't pull these kind of tricks.

I think you're at an advantage in that as you are split with DH you don't have to keep him happy, you can tackle MIL directly as an equal. Go for it!

2rebecca - as Weegiemum has pointed out, I'd much rather visit her than have her coming to my house each week and completely overstaying. She would make sure her whole day was free if she came here, and I'd hardly be able to use the "Right we're off now, need to get back and stab the voodoo doll I have of you sort out her next feed" excuse, or something similar which can't be done there.

Weegiemum - she does go outside to smoke when we are there, but leaves all the doors open so that she may as well be smoking in the room as it reeks. I end up pushing the doors shut a bit too hard and taking DD in the back garden until the smell clears. DP hates smoking, and has actually told her many times that DD won't be staying until she has quit smoking which won't happen in a hurry.

She wrote on my FB wall last night saying "pretty plzzzzzzzzzzzz xxxxxx" , I asked what she was saying pretty please too, and she said "DD stayin in mine next week". She got told no, she's too little, we are both fine so there is really no reason for me to pack her off to her house 30 miles away overnight. Think it's time to delete her from FB - one less way of her nagging getting in touch.

Thanks for all the advice/sympathies everyone, makes it a little bit better knowing that she isn't just a one off, sent into my life to possibly end it

• ex DP

Just write on her wall that your DD can't stay over as she's too young, that she smokes and add a link to cot death and smoking.

And yeah, the poor-old--MILs-always-get-it-in-the-neck-even-though-they're-always-innocent-and-we-should-be-gratef ul-to-have-them-because-they'll-be-dead-one-day- brigade will be one soon.

Case-by-case scenarios.

on soon, I meant. Not one soon.

Shewillbeloved - sounds like you are doing really well in difficult circumstances. Yes, she is clearly excited and yes, it is coming out in an OTT way.

Thing is, I suspect she will be feeling insecure that you live further away than her other GCs and, although she doesn't seem to be showing it, that you and her son are no longer together may mean that she gets to see very little of your DD in the future.

Yes, it is wearing that she keeps asking about overnight stays. But you just need to keep ignoring it where possible and saying no politely but firmly when you absolutely have to.

Even nice, adorable MILs sometimes get a bit carried away on overnight stays, visits and ime taking the baby out to show them off. I have a suspicion that there is as much competitive comparison amongst grandmothers as there is amongst mothers. So, even though they probably know they shouldn't compare what is happening with other people's GCs, they can't help themselves sometimes. My lovely MIL currently seems to be obsessed with our going to the local fish and chip restaurant with her and SIL. As we're going down the baby-led weaning route and I have anxious tendancies, I can't really see that happening anytime soon! But I have said things like, "You know, I don't remember my parents ever going out to a restaurant when we were little. There's no hurry is there?". It hooks into the hard-wired "Things were different in my day" streak in most people, so she can't help but agree with me .

Have you deleted her from FB yet?
FB can be a total menace.

Oh my gosh! You poor thing she sounds dreadful! Agree, this needs nipping in the bud now, not later It sounds like you have an awful lot on - I am sorry to hear about your reationship not working out. YANB remotely U about not leaving her overnight - I have a policy where I don't leave an under 6 month old with anyone bar my mother or DH.

So, I live about two miles from my mother. With traffic and stop lights, that's a four minute drive. I have two sons: Jr. 7, and BbJ 4. I am 32. Hubby is a great father. Yet, my mother has been known to act in a similar manner. She has even been known to call them "my kids" when talking to others about my boys. Uh, excuse me? I don't think so.

It's so obvious, that folks at church and other family members have looked at me, w/ her sitting there, taking control of my kids as I gape at her, and told me to handle this or that for my child, and not make my mother do it. When I try and step in, and she plants herself between me and my child, they see that it isn't ME who is the cause of her taking over. That's when some relatives have told her to let me "do that." Some of the older folks at church give me a knowing smile, a pat on the back, and change the subject.

This is how I know I'm not just feeling slighted for no reason.

I have tried talking calmly and rationally (guilt trip from her, ensues). I have tried being angry and mean (she then argues with me in front of my kids, and tells them that Mommy is the reason she is leaving, and can not hang out with them as planned). I've even ended up crying in frustration ("I wish you would just tell me how you feel, before you get so upset. I crossed the line. I'll just go home, since my presence upsets you." Then she tells the kids she's leaving because I am upset).

I have started limiting our visits. Only, now when she comes over she's all, "I'm not coming in until you invite me." [We had an argument about the way she shows up unannounced, then just opens my door and comes on in w/o knocking, recently.] Limiting the visits helps, but then I get subtle guilt trips the entire time she's over. She's great with the kids, but intrusive on my parenting, and in my life in general. Did I mention I'm a happily married 32 year old woman? I don't need the same things from her that my kids need from me, b/c I'm an adult now. THAT is the part she can't seem to grasp.

Sorry, went all rant on ya', when I just wanted to share that we have similar frustrations--you are not alone.

Toxic grandparent

@ParentworriedUmmm the OP’s girl is now 12.

@ParentworriedUmmm

Toxic grandparent

What on earth possesses people to want to suddenly add their wisdom onto a thread from 2009? Honestly

This is a very old thread. Please start a new thread if this is an issue you wish to discuss.

Wow I would have lost my shit by now, you've done well. I would not be going up there for your own well being, your dp should ask her to back off and appreciate that she is YOUR child and she has no 'grandparents rights' like she seems to think she has. My blood is boiling for you. You could put her in a carrier/sling when you visit to stop her snatching her from you. And 100% I would not be leaving her with her for the night wtf is she thinking. I probably won't let my dd stay overnight with my own mum until she's about 2. Well done for standing up for yourself but she doesn't seem to be getting the message, maybe it's time to be even more firm and risk the awkwardness to nip this in the bud or you'll have years of this ahead of you! Good luck!

Omg I've just bloody done it, that will teach me to not read the thread properly ffs 😑