How do you deal with overbearing Grandparents?

[SheWillBeLoved]

I feel absolutely awful for typing this but how do you deal with them? DD is almost 5 weeks old, and her dads mum is constantly pestering us to let her stay overnight at her house, 30 miles away.

She always phones/leaves messages on FB/leaves me voicemails if I ignore miss her calls, asking when "I'm going to get off my arse and bring her granddaughter to see her as she doesn't want her growing up not knowing who she is" She's 5 weeks old fgs! She laughs when she says it to make it seem like a joke, but I don't find it very funny any more.

We make the trip up there once a week, usually Sunday, it's the only time we can make it as I don't drive and he works all week.

As soon as we get there, she snatches the car seat off me, whisks DD into the living room, and whether she is asleep or not - will either get her out, or poke and prod at her whilst cooing in her face and shouting her name. She also whacks me away whenever I go to my own bloody daughter, saying "She's in my house now, my turn!". Then continues to constantly ask when she can stay over, and reels off a list of days which are convenient for her.

I do stand up to her, but as she makes it seem like she is just joking - there's only so much I feel I can say without just wanting to whack her one

I find her completely suffocating, but everybody else seems to think it's normal. I don't want her staying out, I don't see any need for my 5 week old baby to be away from me overnight. I'm not that exhausted, and even if I was - it'd do me no good as I'd spend my night awake wondering if she was okay.

Am I being a bitch? Is she just an excited grandma or an annoying git? If the latter, any tips on how best to deal with her?

If you and your partner have just split up, it may be that she's subconsciously (or even consciously) staking a claim on her GD, in case she gets sidelined in the future.

Still annoying though.

At the very least, delete her comments as soon as she puts them on your Wall so you don't have to look at them.

Think she's of the "Oh they'll sort it out" mindset Katisha. She has said a few times that we will work it out for the baby - but she is the reason I'm not longer willing to put up with his crap, so she's very mistaken.

I'm trying to be fair to everyone, I don't want to deny her of her granddaughter, but right now that is all she is making me want to do

You need to set boundaries now.

When you go in do not let her waken your DD. She is asleep.

No more "nasty mummy" comments.

No overnight stay until DD is at least X months/years old.

Since you are not still together with her son, don't worry about being the DIL-from-hell. You don't need to impress her.

If she cannot back off, cut the visits down to every fortnight.

My parents (and PILS) are lovely and generally do what we want them to do with our children - no controlled crying, routines etc. I still did not leave DD overnight with them until she was well over a year old. Don't be pressured into it before you are ready.

Can she come over to you? We too have a very over bearing grandparent (my mother) and when she invites herself over I just say "Great. It'll give DH and I a chance to spend some time alone together. You don't mind if we pop out for an hour or two do you?"

I know your circumstances are different, but perhaps you could use an hour or two to do a bit of shopping or see a friend?

I've found it's best to arrange my parents come for the whole afternoon but time when we actually go out around DS's sleeps and feeds so we know he's settled.

HTH

I can totally relate to how you are feeling, having been in the exact same position myself.

Even before DS was born there were signs that MIL was going to become unbearable once he arrived.
She would phone me 3-4 times a day, if I ignored the phone she would come round to the house and if I ignored her knocking at the door she would shout through the letter box, When DS was born she would walk into whichever room he was sleeping in and pull his blanket off him and poke him to wake him up. . She voiced her opinion on what religion he should be, what school he should go to, where we should move to so that we were closer to her. She told me that she would take early retirement so that I could go back to work. (Me and DH had already decided that I would be a SAHM)

I felt like my life wasn't my own and it caused so many rows between me and DH because he just wouldn't say anything to her. I once told him that he would rather upset me than his mother.

I'm not one for confrontation infact I hate it but I told DH on numerous occassions that if he didn't say something to her I would and that I wouldn't hold back.

Well it took till DS was 3yrs old before I finally snapped. She came into our house (with her sister for back up) giving me another one of her "I know your DS better than you" speeches and I hit the roof, told her that if she didn't like the way I chose to raise my DS she should either keep her opinion to herself or not to bother coming round to ours again.
It didn't go down well and she didn't speak to me for 3 weeks.

We speak again now and she has backed off loads. The thing is with her backing off she see's DS and DD more than she did before because i've dropped my guard where as before I pushed her away because she was so overbearing.

Say something sooner rather than later shewillbeloved lifes to short, don't let these early important years with your baby be surrounded by conflict. I wish i had said something sooner.

Be brave. Good luck.

Just say something, my grandparents (on both sides) are really nice and really excited and love seeing my DS but they were overbearing at the beginning. At one point one set of grandparents were over everyday and if the other set didnt visit they phoned. I had a word with them and used the words 'im being killed with kindness at the moment' as that sounded nice. Other than that ive said something at the time (when my FIL woke DS up on christmas day for example)

It was knocked on the head then and there. MIL and my mum both look after DS when im at work for which im very grateful for so another reason im glad I sorted it out then.

Might also be worth trying fighting fire with fire... If she starts with the 'nasty mummy' statements, reply with the 'only because the nasty granny is trying to steal baby away from her poor mummy just when she needs her nap/bonding with mummy/food...' or whatever she is complaining about.

all said in the nicest possible just joking way of course

I breast fed and lived some distance away, both good excuses for not leaving small babies overnight with relatives. Small babies do need a parent with them at night in my opinion, preferably a mother although if you aren't breast feeding and baby has a good bond with dad there is no reason for it not to be dad. There is no reason at all for a baby under a year to go overnight to anyone else unless they really need to or you are wanting a break.
I would just say something like "I don't intend her sleeping anywhere else until she's at least a year old" and block her from facebook.
The rest of her family can do what they want re constant granny visiting. You have to decide what suits you. In time your baby will be having seperate time with her dad and it will then be up to him to take her to grannies if he wishes and you won't need to have much to do with her.

There really is no need at all for a baby to be away from its mother overnight unless the mother wishes it. No grandmother or other relative has any right whatsoever to expect this.

Just be firm - you are well within your rights as a mother!

Well we went on Monday, and it was a much better visit overall. DD was cranky and ready for a feed when we got there, and as soon as we walked in she was rubbing alcohol gel in her hands ready to grab DD I got on with getting her ready for a feed. I had just sat down to start and she went to take her off me to feed her herself I slapped her hand away this time and told her not to disturb her feed. That was met with "Ohhh narky pants!".

Fed DD, took her to change her nappy without even looking at MIL, got her settled and then as she was still awake - gave her to MIL for a cuddle rather than her snatching her off me. She then fell asleep, and SIL came over and started prodding her and unwrapping her to see how big she is. Asked me if she could get her out to hold her, and was also told no, not to disturb her sleep.

MIL did have a dig about not seeing her much a few times which were mostly ignored. As we were leaving she said "Right, see you in about a month then?", and I said "And what's stopping you from getting off your arse and coming to us for a change? Awww DD, nasty Nanny can't be bothered to hop on a train which takes 30 minutes to come and see you " and then walked off to the car. Lowered myself to her level but it felt good

If anyone called me narky pants I would be out of their house and in my car like a shot. Do you not mind playground taunts? None of my relatives have ever been that rude and unpleasant. Some people seem to tolerate amazing stuff from their families and inlaws.
I suppose my brother might have said something like that when he was much younger, but for an MIL I think it is completely unacceptable.
Well done for standing up to her a bit.

2rebecca - I was saving up my flounce points for the next visit I know it seems ridiculous to put up with being called such immature things, but I really don't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me react whenever she does say something. Part of me is sure that's what she wants, as after she says something - she will stand there grinning at me as if to wait for a comeback so that she can say something else ignoring her and not even looking at her seems to annoy her slightly.

I must stress that I don't put up with crap like this from anybody else in my life it's just her, and I'm starting to knock that on the head now too. She's one of those people who you just don't know how to take, and with ex DP always insisting that what she says is just her humour, you're made to feel like flouncing off or having a huge go at her would be a massive overreaction.

I'm just at the stage now were I don't give a flying chuff if it's a overreaction to take DD out of her house and sit in the car as I don't drive and refuse to go back until I get an apology, because even though she is only 5 weeks old, I'm not having anybody drumming into my DD that I'm a nasty awful mummy for dragging my arse 30 miles every week to visit that horrid wretch when all I feel like doing is lying in bed cuddling DD ]

Ack, and I thought my father in law was bad!

I think you just need to be firm.

The broken record technique is always good for this type of person.

Try to stay objective and just keep repeating 'I don't feel comfortable about spending the night apart from her at this stage'. (or whatever). Forced smile and repeat. Forced smile and repeat.

She is probably in a state and will Hopefully!! calm down gradually but you MUST start establishing boundaries NOW. Let her know that you won't be walked all over.

How did the line about the train journey go down??

OMG she sounds like a complete nightmare. I thought my MIl was bad! She also was overbearing and pushy and made me feel very uncomfortable. REsult is, I asked my DP to say something, he wouldn't so i have had to divert attention all the time - she gets very defensive and acts like I am being unreasonable. Upshot is that i can't stand going over there, make every attempt not too, and i have not asked them to babysit for over a year. I would never let DD stay the night.

If your DP wont back you up on this, it will only get worse. He should be saying - mum, don't speak to .... like that. and so on...

Just been on holiday with my MIL who took us up to our room and then informed us that my DS (11 mo) was sleeping in the spare room with her as she wanted to bond with him. Over my dead body! I was so blow away with such an extraordinary suggestion and was left slightly gobsmacked. Anyway, I said no, said I was his mother and that he would sleep in a room with me. Every day she asked if she could sleep with him and every day I said no! There is NO WAY I would let anyone have my baby unless it was on my terms and because I needed the help. Stick to your guns (tbh, I am seriously impressed that you see her once a week. Well beyond the call of duty!)

OMG. What a cow. Why are you even bothering to go there once a week with a five week old baby? exDH needs to grow a spine. You should just not go -- she's not even your mil any more. By my calculation, you and the DH separated when the baby was two weeks old? What happened? Is it related to the DH's family of origin? This mil is more trouble than she is worth. Avoid her like the plague. She may not have any legal right to see the baby anyway.

Math makes a good point, actually. What are you getting out of these visits? You've split up with DP, DD is far too young to know what's going on, and MIL winds you up.

I'd make sure I was busy for the next few weeks.

Katisha - the train line went down brilliantly, left her puffing furiously on her cigarette at the front door

Manx - Yes we split when we was 2 weeks, nothing to do with his family amazingly more to do with him being a compulsive lying twat.

Clam - the only reason I go is because I don't follow any routine with DD right now, she is completely in the lead and I follow her cues. MIL however, thinks that babies should be fed no less than every 4 hours, should cry themselves to sleep, and either be completely over stimulated to the point of them turning away and crying, or left to just stare at the ceiling in their crib. I don't trust ex DP to enforce the 'no routine' style of parenting we use right now, as in the past when we have been there and she has whinged on about me being stupid for not having DD in a routine by 2 weeks old he has just nodded in agreement and read the paper.

When she*

Why not wait for her to visit you if she wants to see the baby though? I don't understand why you are doing all the visiting, especially if it means getting in a car with your ex.

I don't think I'd ever be grateful to have such a "really excited" relative in my or my baby's face. She sounds a right weirdo. "It's my house. It's my turn now."? Do what? Freakshow!

Shewillbeloved, sounds like you're handling her very well. Good for you for standing up to such a bully.

And she smokes? Ah, there's no way a baby could stay overnight with a smoker, is there? I wouldn't even let her in a smoker's house personally.

Sounds like an awful situation for you all. I too have a MIL who sees her other grandchildren every single day, and we get the slightly pathetic "but when are you coming to visit?" question quite regularly.

2 things I wanted to add?

1. I know you are doing all the running at the moment, but do you really want her coming to yours? What if she wouldn't leave, or totally overstayed, or started criticizing everything there as well, would that make it better or worse? I have always found it easier to go to MILs cos then I can control when we leave.

2. I would be very careful abotu saying "dd can stay when she is X age" - because that just gives her something to aim for - so if you say "when she is 1" but then you really don't want it to happen when she gets to 1, granny will start all the "but your Mummy said you could stay with me when you turned 1" etc ...

Also, is she smoking round your dd? That would put me off bigtime!

Hope you can sort it out - I've just had another huge argument in the last few weeks with my MIL about how she looks after our kids - and my youngest is almost 6! Nip it in the bud now!!