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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Do you play by someone's rules in their house?

41 replies

nicetomeetyou · 29/08/2009 18:43

Just want to vent

had a friend of DH to stay with his 5 yr old daughter for a couple of days. Apparently daughter doesn't go to bed much before 9pm so last night at 9 last night we have her making a racket with a toy train around the sitting room and I resort to putting subtitles on because I can't hear the news I had just put on. Father does nothing and eventually at 9.45pm she has fallen asleep on the sofa and he carries her up to bed. I am at home all day with 2 children under 2 and DH is at work and we like to have some quiet after 8pm and it would have been nice to have a chat with friend without his daughter shouting over everyone.

I now think I should have said "would x like a puzzle/book to play with quietly?" but I thought dad could not be so selfish to just let this go on.

OP posts:

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IdrisTheDragon · 29/08/2009 23:00

My DS is 5 and went to bed about 9:30 this evening. Quite a late night for him though.

I'd say it is just one of those things that when people come and stay things are a bit different. I wouldn't turn the news on if I had someone visiting either.

kateGB · 29/08/2009 23:05

NinjaRain - that's fab. Hope it continues. It must be really hard trying to deal with life in general in those cicumstances.

Good luck X

unluckyfriedkitten · 29/08/2009 23:23

My 5 year old will play, sometimes loudly, sometimes not, until he crashes at around 10pm, sometimes later. It's suits him and us and I wouldn't try to change his routine just because we were staying away). Doubt I could just for one or 2 nights without some serious problems tbh...easier all round to just let him be and use subtitiles! But then I would probably warn whoever I was staying with that DS is about in the evening if they didn't already know.

Othersideofthechannel · 30/08/2009 07:20

We often stay with other people with children. I wouldn't try to put my child to bed earlier because I was in someone else's house. It's a waste of time.

But if my hosts and I were watching TV at 9pm (I'm assuming that the father also wanted to watch the news) and my child was being noisy, I would do something with my child to help them be quiet. It's polite to my hosts.

nicetomeetyou · 30/08/2009 14:35

All very interesting...in my opinion he was inconsiderate and selfish - but that is what he is like and when they ask to come back in Oct they will be told we are away that weekend - that is the way it goes. The child could have been taken up into the bedroom or he could have played with her quietly - but he was too busy having a beer. They don't come again.

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piscesmoon · 30/08/2009 14:47

I agree with you nicetomeetyou-he was inconsiderate. If you stay with people you fit in with their lifestyle, or you at least allow for it. If the DC is used to staying up he should have taken her to the bedroom and either read to her or played with her-not disrupted the evening.I wouldn't invite them again.

juuule · 30/08/2009 15:04

Did you let him know that you wanted a bit of peace?
If not, how was he to guess that his dd playing was bothering you?
It wasn't bothering him, it didn't seem to be bothering you (as you hadn't said anything) why would he do anything other than he did?
On the plus side, he probably thinks that you're a really nice, tolerant person

nicetomeetyou · 30/08/2009 15:29

To get the full context - they arrive thurs evening - DH comes home earlier from work to pick them up at the train station but friend stayed sightseeing longer so was late so that interfered with the time we are putting our two to bed (I am BF so that takes up time and it was good to have DH to help me). so thurs night his daughter was up til 9.30pm talking over everyone and i eventually said is it time for bed and she went up. Fri they went sightseeing again and my DH suggested they get back by about 6 at the latest so we could have a walk in the park - again he wants picking up from the station at our children's bedtime. We then have the start of this thread with him showing no signs of getting her to play quietly or take her to bed so i thought sod it i will watch the news after a long day. Sat we went out with them and he wanted to go to the museum and the cathederal and for us to meet them in a place that was convenient for their train home and basically fit in entirely with what he wanted. His daughter was not once asked by him to say please or thank you for anything, she complained about everything she was given to eat or drink (even the water tasted different one day to the next), she talked over everyone and interrupted the whole time and he did nothing. He treated us as a hotel for him to stay in to fit in with his sightseeing on their way back from his parents in law. He prides himself on 5 yr old having visited 17 countries but he can't teach her basic manners.

So they WILL NOT be coming again!

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nicetomeetyou · 30/08/2009 15:50

unluckyfriedkitten makes a good point - my DH has known him 20 yrs and he did not say to us that she doesn't go to bed until x time, did not ask is that a problem or what's the best thing to do - whatever - he sat there and just did nothing and expected everyone else to fit in with them.

Why should I offer the toys - why should I do his parenting for him!

OP posts:

juuule · 30/08/2009 16:16

Maybe he just didn't think it was a problem as nobody said anything?
If your dh has known him that long why didn't he mention something after the first day/night?

nicetomeetyou · 30/08/2009 16:19

there's the rub DH will never say anything! I had already indicated the night before I wanted her to go up to bed and you are right, putting the telly on, expecting him to know it doesn't work - some people do not see that they are being rude or inconsiderate and I am most annoyed with myself for not handling it as I would have wanted to and I feel someone has taken me for a schmuck.

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Othersideofthechannel · 30/08/2009 16:27

In the context of this thread, suggesting a quieter activity to the child seems to be a polite way of hinting to the father and the child that the noise is bothering you, not really that you parent someone else's child.

Othersideofthechannel · 30/08/2009 16:28

If your DH won't speak up, you have to.

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 30/08/2009 16:51

I would go mad if my DC's were still awake at 9/10pm! It's the only thing that keeps me sane knowing that by 7/7.30pm both will be tucked up in bed and I can put my feet up and flake out in front of the TV.

piscesmoon · 30/08/2009 19:22

If people are inconsiderate they have to accept that poeple don't want them visiting or to do things with them. It crops up often on these threads where people go on holiday and find one family impossible-quite probably the impossible family never realise! The first rule is to fit in with others-if you want to remain friends. I have some friends that I holiday with often and some friends I wouldn't even do a night with!

mumeeee · 30/08/2009 21:47

When my brothers children wewr small they didn't need as much sleep as ours. When they came over we just let them do as they would at home. If a child does not go to bed before 9pm I wouldn't expect them to go to bed earlier in my house. I;d have asked them if they could play more quitly and I would not have had the news on when I have had visotors.

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