Do you play by someone's rules in their house?

[nicetomeetyou]

Just want to vent

had a friend of DH to stay with his 5 yr old daughter for a couple of days. Apparently daughter doesn't go to bed much before 9pm so last night at 9 last night we have her making a racket with a toy train around the sitting room and I resort to putting subtitles on because I can't hear the news I had just put on. Father does nothing and eventually at 9.45pm she has fallen asleep on the sofa and he carries her up to bed. I am at home all day with 2 children under 2 and DH is at work and we like to have some quiet after 8pm and it would have been nice to have a chat with friend without his daughter shouting over everyone.

I now think I should have said "would x like a puzzle/book to play with quietly?" but I thought dad could not be so selfish to just let this go on.

[mumeeee]

When my brothers children wewr small they didn't need as much sleep as ours. When they came over we just let them do as they would at home. If a child does not go to bed before 9pm I wouldn't expect them to go to bed earlier in my house. I;d have asked them if they could play more quitly and I would not have had the news on when I have had visotors.

[piscesmoon]

If people are inconsiderate they have to accept that poeple don't want them visiting or to do things with them. It crops up often on these threads where people go on holiday and find one family impossible-quite probably the impossible family never realise! The first rule is to fit in with others-if you want to remain friends. I have some friends that I holiday with often and some friends I wouldn't even do a night with!

[kidcreoleandthecoconuts]

I would go mad if my DC's were still awake at 9/10pm! It's the only thing that keeps me sane knowing that by 7/7.30pm both will be tucked up in bed and I can put my feet up and flake out in front of the TV.

[Othersideofthechannel]

If your DH won't speak up, you have to.

[Othersideofthechannel]

In the context of this thread, suggesting a quieter activity to the child seems to be a polite way of hinting to the father and the child that the noise is bothering you, not really that you parent someone else's child.

[nicetomeetyou]

there's the rub DH will never say anything! I had already indicated the night before I wanted her to go up to bed and you are right, putting the telly on, expecting him to know it doesn't work - some people do not see that they are being rude or inconsiderate and I am most annoyed with myself for not handling it as I would have wanted to and I feel someone has taken me for a schmuck.

[juuule]

Maybe he just didn't think it was a problem as nobody said anything?
If your dh has known him that long why didn't he mention something after the first day/night?

[nicetomeetyou]

unluckyfriedkitten makes a good point - my DH has known him 20 yrs and he did not say to us that she doesn't go to bed until x time, did not ask is that a problem or what's the best thing to do - whatever - he sat there and just did nothing and expected everyone else to fit in with them.

Why should I offer the toys - why should I do his parenting for him!

[nicetomeetyou]

To get the full context - they arrive thurs evening - DH comes home earlier from work to pick them up at the train station but friend stayed sightseeing longer so was late so that interfered with the time we are putting our two to bed (I am BF so that takes up time and it was good to have DH to help me). so thurs night his daughter was up til 9.30pm talking over everyone and i eventually said is it time for bed and she went up. Fri they went sightseeing again and my DH suggested they get back by about 6 at the latest so we could have a walk in the park - again he wants picking up from the station at our children's bedtime. We then have the start of this thread with him showing no signs of getting her to play quietly or take her to bed so i thought sod it i will watch the news after a long day. Sat we went out with them and he wanted to go to the museum and the cathederal and for us to meet them in a place that was convenient for their train home and basically fit in entirely with what he wanted. His daughter was not once asked by him to say please or thank you for anything, she complained about everything she was given to eat or drink (even the water tasted different one day to the next), she talked over everyone and interrupted the whole time and he did nothing. He treated us as a hotel for him to stay in to fit in with his sightseeing on their way back from his parents in law. He prides himself on 5 yr old having visited 17 countries but he can't teach her basic manners.

So they WILL NOT be coming again!

[juuule]

Did you let him know that you wanted a bit of peace?
If not, how was he to guess that his dd playing was bothering you?
It wasn't bothering him, it didn't seem to be bothering you (as you hadn't said anything) why would he do anything other than he did?
On the plus side, he probably thinks that you're a really nice, tolerant person

[piscesmoon]

I agree with you nicetomeetyou-he was inconsiderate. If you stay with people you fit in with their lifestyle, or you at least allow for it. If the DC is used to staying up he should have taken her to the bedroom and either read to her or played with her-not disrupted the evening.I wouldn't invite them again.

[nicetomeetyou]

All very interesting...in my opinion he was inconsiderate and selfish - but that is what he is like and when they ask to come back in Oct they will be told we are away that weekend - that is the way it goes. The child could have been taken up into the bedroom or he could have played with her quietly - but he was too busy having a beer. They don't come again.

[Othersideofthechannel]

We often stay with other people with children. I wouldn't try to put my child to bed earlier because I was in someone else's house. It's a waste of time.

But if my hosts and I were watching TV at 9pm (I'm assuming that the father also wanted to watch the news) and my child was being noisy, I would do something with my child to help them be quiet. It's polite to my hosts.

[unluckyfriedkitten]

My 5 year old will play, sometimes loudly, sometimes not, until he crashes at around 10pm, sometimes later. It's suits him and us and I wouldn't try to change his routine just because we were staying away). Doubt I could just for one or 2 nights without some serious problems tbh...easier all round to just let him be and use subtitiles! But then I would probably warn whoever I was staying with that DS is about in the evening if they didn't already know.

[kateGB]

NinjaRain - that's fab. Hope it continues. It must be really hard trying to deal with life in general in those cicumstances.

Good luck X

[IdrisTheDragon]

My DS is 5 and went to bed about 9:30 this evening. Quite a late night for him though.

I'd say it is just one of those things that when people come and stay things are a bit different. I wouldn't turn the news on if I had someone visiting either.

[NinjaRain]

Yes lack of sleep makes behaviour interesting is a good word. Unfocused. Unpredictable. Fragile.

Loving ds' new sleep meds. He got 13hrs last night. hoping its going to last.

[kateGB]

My Mum's ex-primary school teacher, DD would grass me up if I tried that

[FlamingoBingo]

I cheat and don't send my kids to school - they just sleep late in the mornings!

[kateGB]

Because I'm right ... but was trying to be calming ! The OP has obviously had a crap time and just wanted to get it off her chest! Clearly it was her DH's friend and not hers and yes, if she had agreed to invite them into her home she should just have grinned and put up with it - which she may have done - and then came on here to have a shout.

Personally other people's kids are great for a couple of hours but then....

Bedtimes are obviuosly a contensious and difficult subject and are very subjective. Some people are happy to cuddle their little ones until they sleep, others let them learn to fall asleep by themselves. Whichever side of the fence you sit on you will either think they the other parent is either mad or unfeeling. If a child has a diagnosed sleep disorder then poor child and poor parents and I hope that they learn how to deal with it successfully.

All kids do need different amount of sleep - mine certainly do. Are there any teachers out there who could cast some light onthe matter as to sleep affecting behaviour ? And before anyone starts ranting again YES I know some kids can get by on three hours sleep but as a general rule ?

Personally I need 8 hours and it is way past my bedtime (sorry about the spelling!)but DH has just taken a friend with a knackered knee up to A&E

[hocuspontas]

My children have never had a bedtime. I haven't considered that we could be the guests from hell.

[FlamingoBingo]

"All kids are different and all parents are different."

Kate, how can you say this, and yet say categorically that 5 is too young to be going to bed after 9pm?

I agree with you that the OP should just forget about it, but the OP was still unreasonable - she was the host and should have played to her guest's needs not the other way around.

If a 5 yo goes to bed at 10pm every night, then that is how their body clock is set - do you think it is fair that a 5yo would have to sit upstairs on her own for three hours, just because her rude host thinks that's the time children should go to bed, irrespective of their differences?

[purpleduck]

yes, but if manner have not been a priority, than how does she know?

[kateGB]

Oh dear 'nicetomeetyou' all you wanted to do was vent and it's descended into this!

All kids are different and all parents are different. In 12 months time this 5yr old might have turned into a very polite and lovely 6 yr old,

She was out of her home routine which can make the nicest kid into a monster. She was also on 'holiday' when different rules apply.

Take a deep breath, sigh "Thank Goodness they've gone" and forget it every happened. Having people to stay in your home puts a strain on everyone - however much you like them (or not!)

Purpleduck - 5year olds know what is "normal" and what isn't i.e what they do and what other people do. They are also old enough to be taught to respect and accomodate differences. They are also old enough to learn manners - even if they have to be reminded most of the time. DD1 has a tendency to attention seek but that doesn't mean is's accepted behaviour and she is told when enough is enough.

[FlamingoBingo]

Children of 5 do not necessarily need to be in bed by 9pm - where does that bizarre rule come from?

My 4yo has just gone to bed now - she still seems to be alive and well from late bedtimes.