I find it mind boggling that the playdates are never reciprocated

[crazedupmom]

Hi
I do have quite a few playdates back at my house for my ds who is 8 and an only.
I know that I probably find this easier than most people as I only work part time, only have one child no other siblings to consider etc.
I even take my ds and his mates out and spend money on them fool that I am.
However my ds is never invited anywhere, never given a return invite at all.
I just find it mind boggling tbh as to how other parents can see you doing all of this and not offer a return ever.

We have had parents say that my ds can come to theirs but it never comes off and I do wonder if I should keep on inviting their children when they still haven,t carried out their promise to my ds.
Worse of all my ds has picked on all of this and is becoming a little resentful.
I just carry on inviting despite all of this as I figure that my ds needs to have friends here with him being an only.
Just wondering if we are the only ones like this.
I just don,t get it.
Am I doing the right thing to keep on inviting these parents dc's anyway or am I a mug.
Even those parnets with one dc like me are the same.
I am beginning ot think that there is something off putting about ds and I.

People who do lots of playdates do not get stressed by having extra children in the house they do it because they find it easier for their DC to have a friend to play because they don't see them for hours

People who get stressed by extra children in the house should not do it at all

people who invite one of my children and act like they're doing me a favour by relieving me of a child are not doing me any favours at all because my chldren play well together and don't bug me - take one child out of the equation and the balance has gone and takes a while to resettle itself. I don't mind my kids going to other people's houses but I expect they are going to fulfil a requirement of the parent / child in the other house and not to do me a social favour

Totally agree with Franklymydear. That's how it is in our house, too.

But that's the thing, it dosen't usually work out as fun, for any of them because at the moment the dynamics are wrong.

As they get older and can play out or have different interests, I am sure it will change.

I'm always honest about not having other children back very often due to family circs and the size of the house, and I know the other mums quite well. They are happy to have the play dates there, as like I said the dynamics are different and it works better there.

smae in my house franklymydear , the other mother has even told me that having my son over to play gives her time to herself and even asked if he could go with them to spain this year(i said no), i often try to suggest trips to teh park etc, and I collect her son from school 2 times a week and he has tea here and his mum stays for a coffee and a chat as i do there sometimes

*same

It's interesting to see the two different sides of the story.

As the parent of an only, FranklyMyDear's post has given me real pause for thought ..

it IS interesting to see the other side of the story

I'm someone who does have playdates even though I find them stressful (as has been said - largely for dd's sake)...

but I do hope the invitee gets something out of it too!!

Even if I had 10 children, I would still be grateful that they had been invited somewhere - to experience how another family lives - to make their own friends other than their siblings - to perhaps eat different foods and do different activities ...

Also, I simply don't allow dd to accept invitations if I can't reciprocate. It doesn't seem fair.

Countingthegreyhairs - you might be grateful that your children had been invited out if you had 10 but would you be as keen to have all 10 bringing friends home

I can see both sides of this.

Like Riven, my older boys (8 and 10) come out of school and say 'can X come to play' or 'can I go to x's house' it's all very informal and ad hoc and works well for everyone - I can always say no if it doesn't suit on a particular night and it's no big deal. With 3 kids of my own, another couple in the mix isn't a problem - in fact I enjoy it so I really don't keep track of whether it's fair

However DS2 has a particular friend who's mum likes to plan playdates in advance. She'll bring her diary and suggests lots of dates that suit times when she is at work so she doesn't have to pay after school club fees. She can't have DS2 back to play because she's at work. It does niggle a bit sometimes but ds2 is very friendly with this boy, he is no trouble and is nice to have around so I try not to think about whther it is fair - just think of it as doing something nice for ds2...

OP, if your dc is feeling upset about not being asked back to his friends houses, why not get him involved in the process. Whilst, as adults, we might think it terribly rude to invite ourselves to someone's house - it's not like that for kids. If he's got a friend over at your's it would be perfectly ok for him to ask if he could go back to the friends house sometime soon IMO - they can always say no!

If it doesn't work out, carry on inviting his friends, then at least he will still get to see his friends outside school at your house

Point taken Juuule!!

Cat 64 - save for some dire circumstance, I'm not in the habit of accepting favours from anyone unless I can repay them in some way: that's just the way I was brought up. Why is that strange?

That doesn't necessarily mean I "keep score" in the other direction though - I appreciate the difficulties larger families face balancing work and extra curricular commitments.

However, it is simply good manners to reciprocate where you can I think.

And yes, if we are so busy at work that I can't reciprocate for a while, then I tell dd that she/we have to cool the play dates for a bit.

And the attitude of some on this thread "oh I am doing you a favour by 'lending' my child to you for the afternoon" irks just a little bit frankly.

Yes, I am inviting them to play with my dd, yes your child may be lovely, yes they and my dd may get on wonderfully well together thus relieving me of "play" duty

but

(a) I do genuinely hope your child will have a good time too and I often go to quite a lot of effort and sometimes expense (prep of various craft activities or cooking food they like or outings etc) to ensure that he or she does!!

(b) sometimes your child may not always be an angel (same as my dd) or she may be ill or in need of some other help

(c) it is a huge responsibility looking after someone else's precious child and making sure they are safe and content

Frankly, when others do it for me, I am grateful. It's a bit churlish to be otherwise isn't it??

"a) I do genuinely hope your child will have a good time too and I often go to quite a lot of effort and sometimes expense (prep of various craft activities or cooking food they like or outings etc) to ensure that he or she does!!"

more fool you then, kids should develop their own ability to play - its called imagination and they are best when left to their own devices and not lead in an 'activity' unless you particularly want to

"(b) sometimes your child may not always be an angel (same as my dd) or she may be ill or in need of some other help "

true

"(c) it is a huge responsibility looking after someone else's precious child and making sure they are safe and content"

it's not you know, in fact I find this whole statement slightly revolting "precious child" (but that probably comes with having too many kids I suppose ) but you can make it one if you see life like that. They are in a safe environment in a family home. They are content left to play.

So I'm a fool to take children out to a museum or a farm once in a while?

I'm a fool to set them up with a craft activities when they play here at home?

I'm a fool to be concerned that your child is safe?

Charming!!

I don't hover - I don't interfere - I let them get on with it once I know they are safe and happily engaged and I encourage them to play alone too.

We are talking about 5 and 6 year olds who I sometimes have over for three hours, a whole afternoon, or during the holidays, for a whole day - I wish they would be more autonomous sometimes but sometimes they are -sometimes they are not.)

if you go to a lot of effort and resent it then yes you're being a fool to yourself (which is what "more fool you" means really it isn't calling you a fool but saying that's your decision) - if you go to the effort because you want to that's differnet, but you shouldn't expect plaudits for it

Well done counting - very restrained response

Do you know the other parents? Perhaps invite them to come for a coffee whilst their child plays.

Thank you hmc

I don't resent my efforts at all

Nor do I expect plaudits

Sometimes frankly - I don't make much of an effort at all

But if anyone looks after my child for even half an hour - I'm grateful - that's all ...

It is simply a question of manners

sorry my mistake I read it and heard martyr - obviously you didn't mean it

I'm happy for anyone to take my kids and our house is always over-run with kids - I just have stopped, over the years, seeing it as any big deal so I suppose it's difficult to remember how I felt when eldest was 4 or 5 and we were starting out with it

I wonder if Op getting resentful ,protective, rather than her son...what with the tally situation etc, and being in charge of his playdates - but some families are simply not in position to invite back - my friend has seven children - has adopted two recently - her daughter is at our house all the time - i do all transport for her daugter and mine to a club she goes to -i dont expect reciprocation as i know she just cant and I dont feel im a fool to do it in any way- it s just whats required.If I felt some one was keeping a tally re my freind, or me ,it would be unfair on her as she just cannot return favours .Also id feel a bit stressed if i felt that folk were keeping tally on me as to me life not like that so maybe it would help to relax re that view or resentment may build up either way..

From one old gimmer to another Frankly ...

...no need to apologise ... I'm old but have much less experience of child-rearing than you ... and am probably making more of a meal of it than I should ... have also forgotten to have my daily swig of rum ...

Well thanks for your responses.
Tbh its how my ds feels about things that is troubling me.
He was recently in tears about this saying that he never gets to anyones house.
I am sure he thinks that its because he isn,t liked or something although I have been told he is quite popular at school.
He has on occasions asked parents when they have come to pick up thier dc if he can go to their house and they have replied quite keenly with a yes but I have come to realise that unless they arrange the day there and then they don,t bother.
I wouldn,t push it with them either in case I appear cheeky.
I am at a bit of a loss on how to explain this to my ds I have explained that some people are so busy that they don,t have the time but I really feel for him.
He does have a good friend at school who was coming to our house two or three times a week and his mom hardly ever reciprocated she even rings me occasionally to pick him up from school because she is busy.
My ds says she is mean for not inviting him.
I am quite happy to invite children over but because other parents don,t seem that bothered about inviting back I get a bit paranoid that I am getting on their nerves and putting them under pressure to reciprocate.
Sounds odd I know.

It does seem unfair that your ds is so sad. Just thought I'd mention that I have a friend who does lots of playdates at her place and actually calls up the mums to ask when her ds can come over if they don't reciprocate. I know that approach is not for everyone but some people are just bad at getting round to organising things so may be quite happy to have your ds if they know how keen he is to come over.

I'm not sure I would go as far as asking other parents to reciprocate but for your ds