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Original poster

Can I have some honest opinions please - am I spoiling dd?

35 replies

goingnowherefast · 27/07/2009 12:35

As if I'd get anything other than honest opinions on Mumsnet

DD is 15 months. I don't leave her to cry at all. She still sleeps in my bed for part of the night, isn't a fantastic sleeper, and wakes early. However it hasn't crossed my mind to leave her to cry - I just get up with her/feed her when she wants. I am tired but I am coping.

Also when she gets upset in the day I usually try and look for a way to stop her being upset, whatever she wants I try and give her (unless it's something she really CAN'T have, for example the other day she wanted to play with some old cigarette ends on the floor outside a hotel!). Like yesterday - we were in the park for ages but she cried when we went to put her in the pram to go home, so I got her out again and let her play more. We weren't especailly in a hurry. However people have said that I pander to her too much and should be teaching her she can't always have her way. She doesn't get her way all the time, of course, but if it's something that may inconvenience me slightly but doesn't really matter, I let it go.

Am I spoiling her? Should I be being stricter or trying to get her to fit around us more?

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fluffyanimal · 27/07/2009 12:40

It's the old 'pick your battles' argument isn't it. I've been through the same dilemma with my ds who is now 3. Sometimes you feel you need to put your foot down on something that doesn't really matter, because you feel you should be teaching them that they should do what you ask them. But I've often found that doing this was counterproductive. FWIW i don't think you are doing anything wrong, so long as when it really matters (she's doing something dangerous, or you really need to stick to a schedule etc) you can make her do what you need her to without too much fuss from either of you.

Prosecco · 27/07/2009 12:42

I think it will come when she is a little older. I have always "pandered" to my babies but as they got older have realised when they are at an age when they can learn that they can't have anything.

Relax, especially if she is your first- I did exactly the same with my first and probably made my others fit around my other children's needs because they had to a little more. If it is not bothering you, go with it. If you are starting to feel resentful, don't let her desires always take over. Her needs have to- her desires don't.

I remember a friend telling me I would have to kick my baby into touch. I didn't and she's fine.

preggersplayspop · 27/07/2009 12:44

I'm the same, pick your battles. Its important they learn no when things are dangerous, or they are being rough or ill mannered etc, but if you are happy to stay in the park a bit longer, its no big deal to let them.

I don't leave my DS to cry at night, never have. Although his sleep isn't great, we manage and we are both happy.

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SoccerMum · 27/07/2009 12:44

My only advice would be to be careful as these battles get harder and harder as they get older. Whilst its 'OK' to have a 15mth in bed with you, once she is at school etc it wont be 'OK' but she'll be in a routine she is more than happy with.

15mths is still quite young, and I dont suppose she is at the reasoning stage just yet. I would just make sure that you win more battles than she does, so she retains that message that you are the boss!

notyummy · 27/07/2009 12:47

If it works for you then why worry? I went back to work and couldn't handle the idea of broken nights, so did quite a lot of work getting dd to sleep through (not leaving her to cry though) - I don't sleep well with her even in the same room as me, so the same bed was nvever going to be on my radar. But that is what I felt I had to do - if you don't have the same needs and you not frustrated by your daughters behaviour then there is little need to change.

doggiesayswoof · 27/07/2009 12:49

TBH I think at this age what you are doing is fine. DS is 14mo. DH and I pretty much do as you describe. He can't always get his own way totally of course - he seems drawn to play with dangerous things for e.g. - and we also have DD as well so have to consider both their needs.

But as you say, if he wants to do something and it's only a minor inconvenience then he can do it.

I think you get plenty of opportunity to be "strict" or put your foot down etc with DC as they get older. And it gets easier to deal with IME as you can start to reason with them.

Original poster

goingnowherefast · 27/07/2009 12:49

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Prosecco/preggers - that's really nice to hear! She is my first. Soccermum - I kwym about sleeping in the bed, but she really hates the cot and rolls into the bars so we are thinking of trying to move her when she's a little older so she can go straight into a toddler bed.

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Original poster

goingnowherefast · 27/07/2009 12:51

thanks notyummy and doggies too - glad others do similar things!

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LIZS · 27/07/2009 12:52

If you have the luxury of time why not indulge, but it may make occasions when you need to get things done or run to time harder if you don't have a way of differentiating ie. giving time warnings to leave in 5 minutes , get shoes on etc. It is hard to expect an under 3 to realise when you mean business otherwise. codul it be she isn't a good sleeper because she is in bed with you . Maybe try moving her back once settled so she is less dependent on you and maybe you'll all sleep longer .

PortAndLemon · 27/07/2009 12:53

You sound roughly on the right track. I'd just be careful about presentation -- so, if you are in the park and thinking about going, ask (at fifteen months, probably with lots of big gestures) whether your DD would like to go now or stay a bit longer, rather than more of a "We have to go now... oh, no, if you cry then I will change my mind" situation.

I suppose what I'm saying is try to make it very clear up front which issues are up for discussion and which are not, and then stick to your guns on those that are not. If you present both categories the same way then it gets confusing for your DD and she may respond badly to what seems to her like a lack of consistency.

preggersplayspop · 27/07/2009 12:54

My DS went into a bed at 16 mo (having always co-slept) and he managed fine, we still co-sleep for part of the night (sometimes) but now he asks to stay in his own bed even if I want him in mine! I didn't do anything to change his mind, he just decided himself - I think he prefers having more room in his own bed.

Like your DD, my DS hated the cot and was so much happier in a bed.

Original poster

goingnowherefast · 27/07/2009 12:55

Thanks Lizs. I have tried things recently such as getting out of the bath - when she cries, saying "ok, one more play/whatever she's doing, but then it's time to get out" and we get her out then whatever and just distract her as quickly as poss. So she does get time warnings of a sort.
With the sleeping, I have wondered this but I do try and move her back and she gets upset. I think she will be better in a toddler bed. Out of interest (and slight topic change sorry!) what age do you think they are ok in a toddler bed with bedguard?

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Original poster

goingnowherefast · 27/07/2009 12:58

Port and Lemon - that's really helpful, I think you've hit the nail on the head about what was bothering me but I didn't realise! I do wonder about the "oh, you're crying so we can stay" type reaction. I will try and present it differently.
preggers - thanks, that's helpful. She's starting nursery next month for a couple of days a week so I think I'll leave her in with us until she's settled there as it will be a big change for her, then try and get her a bed and move her in a few months.

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fluffyanimal · 27/07/2009 12:59

Definitely definitely give warnings for when things are going to happen, it really does help, rather than just reacting when they protest.

Chessiers · 27/07/2009 13:00

Sounds fine to me. I think however you choose to do it, so long as you're consistent, most things will be fine.

If you're consistently happy to go with the flow and allow dd space to direct some activities, then you'll both be happy. If you're consistent in your response when you just can't do it her way, then she'll become accustomed to how you handle the non-negotiable stuff.

After ten years and three kids I now believe almost every style of parenting has upsides and downsides, so you might as well go with the one that naturally works for you.

If you can have confidence in your choices and remain flexible, you generally do just fine IME.

Original poster

goingnowherefast · 27/07/2009 13:06

thanks fluffy and chessiers

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saadia · 27/07/2009 13:28

It doesn't sound as though you are spoiling her. I was the same with ds1 who is seven now and he is very easy to reason with so this approach doesn't always end up with spoiling the child.

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 27/07/2009 13:30

what a lovely mummy you sound

Blu · 27/07/2009 13:37

I am sceptical as to whether it is possible to 'spoil' 15 mos. Ignoring their needs is more likely to spoil - as in damage - them, imo.

DS was certainly 'spoiled' in the way you describe, but I did take care to make sure that when i did say 'no' I meant it, was calm and firm about it - I think saying no and then giving in to a tantrum is wrse than going along with what a child would like in the first place, iyswim.

IMO / IME it's also quite handy if a child learns early on that disappointment or not getting something is a situation they can survive - that it isn't life or death. So swift, firm calm no and some re-assurance and distraction worked well with DS.

plimple · 27/07/2009 13:42

What port and lemon says is exactly right. You're not spoiling at this age, but if you keep giving in to crying you'll have more battles later on.
Also agree with Blu.

Original poster

goingnowherefast · 27/07/2009 22:01

thank you everyone

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ScarlettCrossbones · 28/07/2009 00:17

Goingnowhere, you sound lovely, and I aspire to be more like you and not just say "no" for the sake of it to my DC! I do firmly believe that we're here to fit in with what our children want when they're this age, and not the other way round.

I'd agree with portandlemon though, that it's not a good idea to get into the habit of doing what she wants when she cries for it ? it's teaching her that that's how you get things you want. My DD is a bit older (25mths) and I can't remember what I did with her when she was 15mths, but now, if she whines or cries for something I always get her to ask me again in a normal voice for it. Then I give it to her straight away.

I would maybe say to your DD, "When you've stopped crying, we'll go back and play some more" to kind of define the boundaries and show that wailing won't get her anywhere.

Sounds like you're doing a fab job though!

Tortington · 28/07/2009 00:20

i think the question is - are you happy - is she happy

then who gives a shit - tell anyone who comments to feck orf

kate76 · 28/07/2009 08:55

I think you sound like a great mummy. It's lovely to read such a nice message...there is often so much negativity towards babies and toddlers.

ScummyMummy · 28/07/2009 09:07

Agree with blu. 15 months is still a baby and you sound like a lovely parent to me. As long as you feel fine and unfrustrated and she is fine and not being allowed to do anything dangerous or hugely anti-social and you stick to your guns when it matters I'm sure everything will be completely hunky dory.

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