are single children disadvantaged?

[tiredmama]

We have one DS aged 3.Both of us have full time jobs and I also work 1 weekend in 4 and also do night shifts.Our parents are abroad(we are immigrants) and we have no family support here at all.We have this ongoing debate almost everyday about whether to have more children.Practically, it is going to be very very hard .As it is, we are struggling to cope with parental demands, work demands.We are worried we will be totally snowed under.We are not natural parents like some of the others we have seen and have to try very hard.Neither of us is willing to let our careers take a back seat as we both enjoy our jobs.But on the other hand, I feel it is not fair to bring up an only child as children need other childrens company, esp. siblings.When he grows up and when we pass away, who will he share childhood memories with?This decision is killing me.Any thoughs opn whether single children grow up disadvantaged?

[madamelapin]

I don't think it is just a question of how the child thinks of their childhood - afer all single children don't know what it is like to have a sibling - and there are real benefits for the parents in having more than one child

1. they play with each other - it isn't a question of whether they get on, they just keep each other busy, which as a busy parent is an enormous plus

2.Children who have to share their stuff, and their parents' time from any early age are logically going to be better team players. If you work in a team (as I do) I think you can work out who the single children were. They're very much more self contained. This has enormous benefits, but as a parent I think it is lovely having everyone mucking in and understanding that you work as a team.

1. I think as a parent you are less precious about parenting when you have two children, which has to be a good thing in life. I know I was precious with my DD firstborn, and like many mothers found no 2 a lot easier because I was much more relaxed. I think that relaxed attitude is good for the parents, even if you have to compromise with other things.

Ultimately every family is different, and you can't judge whether something is better or not, but I believe there are advantages to having more than one child.

[tiredmama]

I am glad I posted this query.So many different view points.What has been particularly reassuring is that so many mums on this post who were single children themselves have never felt lonely and I have realised I have to do what is best for us under the present circumstances.Thanks to all of you out there.

[wahwahwah]

HarrietToo - are you one of my sisters by any chance?

[trickerg]

Madameplain - you're giving us the 'only children can't be team members/can't share' thing again. I'm an only child and work effectively as part of a team (which is more than I can say about some colleagues); my son (another only), loves being part of a team. An only child in my class last year was easily the best team member in the class. I could go on, citing children from families of 4 who can't share at all, when the explanantion would probably be that they have to fight for things and then have to take ownership of them. There are always these excuses made for poor sociability. I wish we could stop labelling people just because of the number in their families - think of everything else that makes you the person you are. Labelling like this is too simplistic and opposing arguments and examples can ALWAYS be found.

[wahwahwah]

I don't really understand why the 'single issue' is so debated. I find it is parenting that is most important in the development of the child, not birth order or number of siblings.

[bigmoon]

I reckon every child is different, some only kids will thrive just as they would have in bigger families, some benefit more from being only ones, its up to you to make the most of what you have. Im not an only child but I may as well have been. While there was only a 2 year gap between myself and brother we never got on, never socialised at any age, had no joint interests and never have. Now we are both heading towards our 40's and still have nothing in common, seeing each other about twice a year. I certainly never felt any social benefit of being part of a 2 child family. Social worlds are easy to recreate with children outside of the family unit, if you have such busy careers then im sure your little one enjoys nursery etc allready? Having another child isnt going to 'fix' your situation. If you have another, do so because you choose to grow your family & because you want and can afford to enjoy your time with them as they grow up, not because you feel guilty.

[Janet107]

I am one of four children. An elder brother and sister and twin brother (we were triplets but the third (identical twin to my 'twin') died shortly after birth).
I can honestly say that I have not gained in any way from a 'big' family. My brothers and sister and I have nothing in common. One is a drug dealer with all the issues that come with the use of said drug, the other two have mental problems.
What I remember most is all the things we couldn't do or have etc due to financial contstraints.

It was hard for us and my parents.

Having only one child gives you the opportunity to GIVE so much more financialy and emotionally.

Do I know, yes. I am a single parent of two girls. I struggle.

I am 34 years old and have recently come to terms with the fact that I will never have any more children. It was painful but realistic. My head says no more kids my uterus aches and my heart cries out with the pain of the reality of that statement.

Yes, I'm 'only young', however, finding a mate, making it work with your kids let alone feeling you are financially secure enough to support yet another family member.... it doesn't happen over night, if at all.

Be realistic, can you really afford to have another child and give both everything they deserve? If so, great! Are you young enough, happy enough etc etc.
We often want babies for other reasons i.e. to make it better.
Sit back, think about it, talk about it with your partner, be HONEST.

And that's hard.

Trust me, I know it wasn't easy for me to accept that 'that's it'. It's what's best for me and my girls though and in the long run that has to be a good thing.

[Clarethomas]

Being the youngest of four, I can say life was hell until they finally started moving out. Imagine someone at school who you didn't get on with and had very little time for, being forced to live with them, share a bedroom and even a bunk bed until your ten. our parents were always poor.....and angry, after constantly dealing with confrontations.

We have one little boy and I have no intention of putting him or us through that life. We have time and money for holidays and a quality of life my parents never had, my dad died 3 years after we all finally left, frail and exhausted at 57. We have all moved away as we despise one another. My mother is now relatively rich but with nobody to enjoy it with. She also had a degree in Maths and physics with an amazing job at British laboratories, she gave it all up for the great family life, something she regrets.

That's my story! Hope you enjoyed.

[cory]

No parent can give their child every possible advantage in the world- there is no such thing as giving your child everything. And no guarantee if you could that it would make them happy. One child's advantage might be another child's nightmare.

[matana]

Thanks for this thread, really interesting and quite reassuring. DS is 19mo and i've recently been wondering whether he will suffer if he's an OC. DH is ten years older than me and has 2 other DCs (who don't live with us) - both teenagers. He definitely doesn't want any more children and as someone else has said, it took some time for him to agree to have one! And then it took us 2 years to conceive due to me having PCOS. I'm not even really sure i'd want another. I love my DS to bits and love being able to give him the one to one attention, and because of what we went through to have DS i feel blessed anyway and slightly greedy for even thinking about what having another would be like. DS is happy, outgoing and very sociable - my heart just breaks a little bit when i see him trying to mix it with the other kids at the park. He has a cousin who's 3 and who he sees a lot. He also goes to a CM as i work FT and has lots of interaction there.

[Stateofplay]

Dear tiredmama, I think your question is akin to 'how long is a piece of string': it is such an utterly subjective dilemma.

As the parent to a 3 year old myself, in the same situation as you and your DH (f-t careers we love and living abroad away from family) I know something of your dilemma.

However, for me it is very important that DD is not an only child and I will do my utmost to have at least one more. The reasons for that are my and DH's own and personal to us: they really wouldn't apply to any other family!

DH is an only and I think has had more negatives than positives from that (although he has a weird talent at being able to play a convincing two-player game of chess with himself). More-so as an adult I think, following a very painful break-down of his parent's marriage and difficult scenarios with his immediate family for which he really rued the lack of sibling support.
But more than that I enjoyed having siblings so much, that although we all live in different countries, following our careers, as adults, I want to replicate it for my family.

I also personally believe that more often than not blood is thicker than water, and unconditional family love and support counts for a lot. However many, many threads on Mumsnet would testify against that, so again, it is a wholly personal belief that may be true for me, but is not true for the next person.

Only you and your DH can decide, and good luck. You have a few years on your side yet, hopefully, and also that I think it would be worse to regret not having another child once you've missed the window.