are single children disadvantaged?

[tiredmama]

We have one DS aged 3.Both of us have full time jobs and I also work 1 weekend in 4 and also do night shifts.Our parents are abroad(we are immigrants) and we have no family support here at all.We have this ongoing debate almost everyday about whether to have more children.Practically, it is going to be very very hard .As it is, we are struggling to cope with parental demands, work demands.We are worried we will be totally snowed under.We are not natural parents like some of the others we have seen and have to try very hard.Neither of us is willing to let our careers take a back seat as we both enjoy our jobs.But on the other hand, I feel it is not fair to bring up an only child as children need other childrens company, esp. siblings.When he grows up and when we pass away, who will he share childhood memories with?This decision is killing me.Any thoughs opn whether single children grow up disadvantaged?

[zebramummy]

i am in the same situation except that i reckon dh would like anotehr child more than myself (just as well men dont get broody in the same way as us!). i don't have the busy career excuse either having been a sahm since he was born. however, i feel that by restricting it to an only child i have the choice to pick -up where i left off career wise , with 1+ i am not so sure when childcare costs,bf etc are taken into account. i reckon that with more family support i may have gone for it but that is only a small part of it.

i must admit that other mums whom i have met with onlies have not had a say in the matter whether due to age, health, relationship issues. i would also add that a couple of mums whom i knew from first time round have ended up mildly resenting the fact that ds and i swan around on nature walks at a leisurely pace and have the freedom to spend several hours at the park while they struggle to keep it together with their needy newborn no. 2s in tow - infact one particular mum, a perfectionist who likes to act as some kind of supermum beacon has pretty much withdrawn her friendship because of this.

[editrix]

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if I'm repeating things which have already been said.

I have a ds who is now 6. I agonised about having another child, finally started trying again when he was 3, but suffered several miscarriages and decided to stop trying because it was taking over our lives. The decision was hard but I know it was the right one. I worried about ds growing up without siblings but so far my fears have been unfounded and the adult only children I know are happy and well-adjusted people.

DS has three cousins who are slightly older or younger than him - he doesn't see them more than a few times a year but hopefully they'll have a bit of a shared heritage as they grow up. He has lots of friends, and I make sure I arrange playdates and trips in the holidays and he does a week of summer camp locally. I worried particularly about how much he'd enjoy holidays stuck with his parents and no siblings but we've just come back from two weeks on the beach in Dorset and it turns out he makes friends very easily. An adult only child I know said a strength most only children develop is the ability to make friends because they've had to reach out to others and make friends, whereas those with siblings can sometimes be complacent as they have them to play with and don't have to make an effort to meet others.

I'm rambling now, but my message is don't worry, if having only one child is what is right for your family - and from your post it sounds like it is - don't feel anxious or guilty about the decision.

[kittywise]

Well,all situations are different aren't they.

I feel so strongly bout the disadvantages of being an only child that I have chosen to have 6 children. I was not lonely per se as I had plenty of first cousins with whom I spent all my school holidays. But I dearly wanted a sib.

It is as an adult now that I wish even more that I had sibs to share time/holidays with, like I see many of my friends do. I so wish my children to have had uncles aunts and cousins( my dp is an only too).

[trollbeadaddict]

I have two dc, but I thought research had shown that only children were higher achievers overall? I definately wouldn't worry - he'll spend all day in school in the company of other children and then have you and your husband all to himself in the evenings - sounds perfect!

[Karam]

As others have said, there are advantages and disadvantages to everything.

I have two DDs who, at the moment, are very close... they even claim to love each other more than they love me and truly are best friends. the thought of either of them not having the opportunity of having that relationship is quite sad... so the benefits of having a sibling can be amazing.

I have a brother, who I am not massively close to, but we get on and I am very glad I have him. Despite our different lifestyles, I wouldn't be without him and he does certainly enrich my life greatly.

But DH has two siblings with whom his relationship is more difficult. He barely speaks to them, and so I am not sure siblings necessarily enrich his life.

Personally, I had DD2 for the benefit of DD1 - I wanted my child to have a sibling, but that decision was right for me. And although she benefits massively from being an icon in her younger sister's eyes, there are also ways in which she misses out... I think we are harder on her compared to her younger sister and so on...

So, there are strengths and weaknesses to both sides and everyone has their own view and baggage that they bring to this debate, you have to do was is right for you and your family, and unfortunately as no-one else knows your situation, only you can decide that. Sorry that is not much help, but good luck with it!

[frankbestfriend]

I agree that every situation is different, kittywise.
There are no certainties with families- siblings can be close or rivals, you cannot predict which it will be.

I did find it a little offensive when you said only children are lonely and burdened, just as I'm sure you would if I posted that parents of large families can't provide the attention each child needs.

To the op- having another child because you feel you should is never a reason to have another.
I do sometimes yearn for a baby/toddler, as dd is now 8. I can no longer teach her new things and give her new experiences in the same way I once could, our relationship is different now.
However, I recognise that what I feel is a longing to 'rewind' with dd, and have my child over again, rather than have another and extend my family.

[Hulababy]

Remeber that there is absolutely no guarantee that siblings will be friends when growing up or after they have grown up. DH is a probate lawyer and spends a lot of time with families; he regularly comments on how much anymousity there can be between siblings.

DH and I are both eldest siblings and fortunately get on well with our siblings, although don;t see that huge amounts due to not living close by. My MIl has a brother but TBH she hasn't seen him for a long time and he is of no use to her whatsoever and is no help at all regarding her father; he hasn't been to see him for years for some reason, no one knows why.

[ThesunalwaysshinesonTV]

I am an only child. My mum made huge efforts to ensure that I always had lots of playdates and 'extra-curricular' interests. I was always busy and had fantastic friends, two of whom are still my closest even now (since the age of 4!). Sadly my parents divorced when I was young and my mum died in my teens so for those tragic reasons I was determined that I didn't want to raise an only child and I now have two children. I must admit that I have always felt great sadness that I have nobody to share the memories of growing up and my mum with. However, that is my own personal (and hopefully rare) experience and I would say that being an only has made me fairly self-sufficient and socially confident. Thanks to my mum's efforts when I was young I have always had plenty of people to turn to for support etc. As other posters have said, having siblings does not necessarily guarantee you companionship in later life.

Incidentally, my dc are 4 years apart in age and it works beautifully,so far...!

[Rebecca41]

I have 2 sons - one aged nearly 4 years, and one ages 3 months. I have found it very hard work having a second child, and it has also been very difficult for my older son. I too thought he should have a sibling, but it has now dawned on me that it will be a long time before they can properly play together and truly benefit from eachother's company.

I don't regret having a 2nd child, but my situation is different from yours in that I always wanted 2 children, I love parenthood, and I'm happy to let my career take a back seat.

I think a child's happiness has a lot to do with parent's happiness. If your life is fulfilled, you spend quality time together, you do fun things together, your son is happy - then I think adding a baby to the equation just for his sake wouldn't be a good idea.

Also, it's a sad fact that having a sibling in childhood doesn't guarantee one in adulthood. My brother, who I was very close to, died aged 20, so I'm an only child again

[bondgirl77]

I would like to add my voice to the happy and balanced only children here! Also the great advantage to being an only is that you never have to compete for your parents' attention, and quite often grow up getting on with your parents very well as they are your companions/friends/playmates. I did have moments of loneliness as a child, but also many friends with siblings who spent time and energy fighting for parents' attention and rowing with parents, which (might be weird and unusual) I never did. Like another contributor above, my DH is one of four, and doesn't see his siblings really and is not at all similar to any of them, worlds apart! So having siblings is no guarantee to companionship as an adult. I have great friends who are like siblings so don't feel I miss out on support. It is your decision but don't worry too much about bringing up an only, it is not at all bad!

[liliputlady]

You have a tough decision to make Tiredmama. I have two children and would have may be liked more (past it now though!)

In terms of hard work, I felt that most of the sacrifices we made were when we became parents initially and child 2 slotted in quite painlessly. (Admittedly I was able to have a few years at home, so didn't have work demands).

Even though ours argue sometimes, we have thanked our lucky stars so many times that we have two - they are wonderful company for each other.

Saying that, I know many only children who are perfectly happy and have no longings for siblings. We mums are destined to fell guilty whatever. Good luck with your decision.

[Thunderduck]

I'm an only and I love it. I've never felt lonely. I have thought it'd be nice at times to have a sibling but it has only ever been a fleeting though, lasting five minutes at most.
I'm happy as I am, and would be happy to have an only child.

[Thunderduck]

Thought sorry.

[edam]

I love being one of three sisters myself (especially as one of them was a bonus - half-sister born when I was 14) but ds is an only and one of my sisters also has an only (the other has two). Not what I originally planned.

But seeing the way dh is with his sister made me realise siblings don't always get on, even when there is no big family falling out. Dh and his sister are such different people, they have very little in common and I don't think would ever see each other if they weren't related. Dh has no memories of playing with his sister, just a sense of irritation that she got in his way! (He's the eldest.)

I do worry about ds being an only but make a lot of effort to ensure he has other children to play with and sees as much of his cousins as possible, on the grounds that hopefully he will have some level of shared history and the ability to complain about his ruddy mother to someone who does understand.

[LittleMissTuffet]

Regarding shared history; on the rare occasions I am with one or more of my siblings I'm surprised at how different our recollections of our childhood and long deceased parents are.

[Everhopeful]

My only dd is 7 and I never intended originally that she wouldn't have sibs, but our financial situation resulted this way. She went through a phase of asking me when I was going to have another, but mostly I think it suits both of us better like this: me because I doubt my attention span would stretch to two, especially with a big age gap and also because I'm decrepit enough that the risk of saddling her with someone to care for after I'm gone is pretty high. I can't see her thanking me for that. There are things you miss out on - I'm one of loads, so can speak with authority - both good and bad. There are advantages in every state in life and you just have to accept there's two sides to everything, whatever you do. One of the advantages she sees, which I think is a drawback, is that she seldom has to share ! So I get mates over to sort that out...

[Everhopeful]

Forgot to point out that most of my family aren't close, neither in age or temperament.

[piscesmoon]

I think you just have to go with what suits you and not worry about it. A lot depends on yur DC, mine was an only for 8 yrs and he hated it, even though I used to point out all the siblings he knew who didn't get on, but equally I have known those who loved it and were very resentful when a sibling came along. Happily I went on to have others and despite the age gap they get on well. It isn't now or never-my 2 with the big age group get on better than the 2 with the small age gap.

[peppapighastakenovermylife]

I think it is more about the situation than how many sibling you have.

I am an only child and hated it but that was because I was a lonely child too. I didnt have any cousins, or aunties or uncles. My parents only let children of their friends visit and that wasnt very often - maybe once a month when I was younger. Although we did spend time doing fun stuff it often seemed to be give and take - one day we would go to a farm for me, another we would be looking around a cathedral for them. If I had more siblings I think the balance would be more child like. They didnt like noise...lots of issues outside the 'only' bit.

It made me want to have more than one child but more than anything it made sure my DS had the option to be surrounded by children which he thrives from. Its not about the number of children but the situation they are in. I wanted lots of children because I am really only beginning to understand what family is like if that makes sense.

[sleeplessinstretford]

I have 5 sisters and would have LOVED to have been an only child!
Seriously, I have a 13 years age gap between my children-My dd1 was an only with just me for company and we were happy, I worked full time and she was idolised by my family and friends who all wanted to 'do stuff' with her (to help me out a lot of the time as i was a single mum working full time and having to travel with work at least one night a week)
I had decided that 'that would be it' for me in terms of kids and thought that my sisters children would continue to be the siblings she never had (she spent a lot of time with her cousins and extended family)When I had my second daughter who was somewhat of a surprise bundle the dynamics changed-My children adore each other-I couldn't really have thought that dd1 would ever be the way she is now, it's made our home more of a home and it's therefore easier to be more of a family (does this make sense?)
I note that you don't have family here-do you have friends you can spend time with?

[kittywise]

My children are always asking me when I am going to have another! Obviouslythey don't mind being part of a group of 6. Sadly time and money aren't on my side.

Yes, my time with each child is limited, but they do have each other and for the youngest 2 it is especially great because they learn so much from the bigger ones. The 5 year old is more than happy to get the 2 year old out of bed, get him breakfast etc. She and the 3 year old cluck over him like mother hens.

They would love another baby to mollicoddle(sp?) .

Most of my friends have a good relationship with their sibs. They go on big family holidays together, have great parties.

There is nothing like family

[ZZZenAgain]

I worry (frantically tbh, quite a bit) that my dd is disadvantaged as an only dc. I try hard to compensate for it I suppose. It just didn't come about any different and bit late now but she would love to have siblings, as many as possible I think. She most definitely pines for them. She wants me to adopt

adopt about 10 dc in fact

She is going to adopt as many dc as she can when she grows up she says

[porcupine11]

I am one of three sisters - we fought a lot as we grew up but I adore having them now. Our mum died at a young age recently after bringing us up all on her own, and we are so glad to have each other for support and as family.

I have a friend who's an only - she wishes she had siblings, she does feel rather aggrieved about it, despite being bought up as a little princess with everything she wanted.

Another friend has just had her third baby. She swears it's easier with more than one, as they can entertain each other. Otherwise, you'll be entertaining your child in some way (even if it's just finding things for him to do or ferrying him to things) until he's off to uni...