are single children disadvantaged?

[tiredmama]

We have one DS aged 3.Both of us have full time jobs and I also work 1 weekend in 4 and also do night shifts.Our parents are abroad(we are immigrants) and we have no family support here at all.We have this ongoing debate almost everyday about whether to have more children.Practically, it is going to be very very hard .As it is, we are struggling to cope with parental demands, work demands.We are worried we will be totally snowed under.We are not natural parents like some of the others we have seen and have to try very hard.Neither of us is willing to let our careers take a back seat as we both enjoy our jobs.But on the other hand, I feel it is not fair to bring up an only child as children need other childrens company, esp. siblings.When he grows up and when we pass away, who will he share childhood memories with?This decision is killing me.Any thoughs opn whether single children grow up disadvantaged?

[Stateofplay]

Dear tiredmama, I think your question is akin to 'how long is a piece of string': it is such an utterly subjective dilemma.

As the parent to a 3 year old myself, in the same situation as you and your DH (f-t careers we love and living abroad away from family) I know something of your dilemma.

However, for me it is very important that DD is not an only child and I will do my utmost to have at least one more. The reasons for that are my and DH's own and personal to us: they really wouldn't apply to any other family!

DH is an only and I think has had more negatives than positives from that (although he has a weird talent at being able to play a convincing two-player game of chess with himself). More-so as an adult I think, following a very painful break-down of his parent's marriage and difficult scenarios with his immediate family for which he really rued the lack of sibling support.
But more than that I enjoyed having siblings so much, that although we all live in different countries, following our careers, as adults, I want to replicate it for my family.

I also personally believe that more often than not blood is thicker than water, and unconditional family love and support counts for a lot. However many, many threads on Mumsnet would testify against that, so again, it is a wholly personal belief that may be true for me, but is not true for the next person.

Only you and your DH can decide, and good luck. You have a few years on your side yet, hopefully, and also that I think it would be worse to regret not having another child once you've missed the window.

[matana]

Thanks for this thread, really interesting and quite reassuring. DS is 19mo and i've recently been wondering whether he will suffer if he's an OC. DH is ten years older than me and has 2 other DCs (who don't live with us) - both teenagers. He definitely doesn't want any more children and as someone else has said, it took some time for him to agree to have one! And then it took us 2 years to conceive due to me having PCOS. I'm not even really sure i'd want another. I love my DS to bits and love being able to give him the one to one attention, and because of what we went through to have DS i feel blessed anyway and slightly greedy for even thinking about what having another would be like. DS is happy, outgoing and very sociable - my heart just breaks a little bit when i see him trying to mix it with the other kids at the park. He has a cousin who's 3 and who he sees a lot. He also goes to a CM as i work FT and has lots of interaction there.

[cory]

No parent can give their child every possible advantage in the world- there is no such thing as giving your child everything. And no guarantee if you could that it would make them happy. One child's advantage might be another child's nightmare.

[Clarethomas]

Being the youngest of four, I can say life was hell until they finally started moving out. Imagine someone at school who you didn't get on with and had very little time for, being forced to live with them, share a bedroom and even a bunk bed until your ten. our parents were always poor.....and angry, after constantly dealing with confrontations.

We have one little boy and I have no intention of putting him or us through that life. We have time and money for holidays and a quality of life my parents never had, my dad died 3 years after we all finally left, frail and exhausted at 57. We have all moved away as we despise one another. My mother is now relatively rich but with nobody to enjoy it with. She also had a degree in Maths and physics with an amazing job at British laboratories, she gave it all up for the great family life, something she regrets.

That's my story! Hope you enjoyed.

[Janet107]

I am one of four children. An elder brother and sister and twin brother (we were triplets but the third (identical twin to my 'twin') died shortly after birth).
I can honestly say that I have not gained in any way from a 'big' family. My brothers and sister and I have nothing in common. One is a drug dealer with all the issues that come with the use of said drug, the other two have mental problems.
What I remember most is all the things we couldn't do or have etc due to financial contstraints.

It was hard for us and my parents.

Having only one child gives you the opportunity to GIVE so much more financialy and emotionally.

Do I know, yes. I am a single parent of two girls. I struggle.

I am 34 years old and have recently come to terms with the fact that I will never have any more children. It was painful but realistic. My head says no more kids my uterus aches and my heart cries out with the pain of the reality of that statement.

Yes, I'm 'only young', however, finding a mate, making it work with your kids let alone feeling you are financially secure enough to support yet another family member.... it doesn't happen over night, if at all.

Be realistic, can you really afford to have another child and give both everything they deserve? If so, great! Are you young enough, happy enough etc etc.
We often want babies for other reasons i.e. to make it better.
Sit back, think about it, talk about it with your partner, be HONEST.

And that's hard.

Trust me, I know it wasn't easy for me to accept that 'that's it'. It's what's best for me and my girls though and in the long run that has to be a good thing.

[bigmoon]

I reckon every child is different, some only kids will thrive just as they would have in bigger families, some benefit more from being only ones, its up to you to make the most of what you have. Im not an only child but I may as well have been. While there was only a 2 year gap between myself and brother we never got on, never socialised at any age, had no joint interests and never have. Now we are both heading towards our 40's and still have nothing in common, seeing each other about twice a year. I certainly never felt any social benefit of being part of a 2 child family. Social worlds are easy to recreate with children outside of the family unit, if you have such busy careers then im sure your little one enjoys nursery etc allready? Having another child isnt going to 'fix' your situation. If you have another, do so because you choose to grow your family & because you want and can afford to enjoy your time with them as they grow up, not because you feel guilty.

[wahwahwah]

I don't really understand why the 'single issue' is so debated. I find it is parenting that is most important in the development of the child, not birth order or number of siblings.

[trickerg]

Madameplain - you're giving us the 'only children can't be team members/can't share' thing again. I'm an only child and work effectively as part of a team (which is more than I can say about some colleagues); my son (another only), loves being part of a team. An only child in my class last year was easily the best team member in the class. I could go on, citing children from families of 4 who can't share at all, when the explanantion would probably be that they have to fight for things and then have to take ownership of them. There are always these excuses made for poor sociability. I wish we could stop labelling people just because of the number in their families - think of everything else that makes you the person you are. Labelling like this is too simplistic and opposing arguments and examples can ALWAYS be found.

[wahwahwah]

HarrietToo - are you one of my sisters by any chance?

[tiredmama]

I am glad I posted this query.So many different view points.What has been particularly reassuring is that so many mums on this post who were single children themselves have never felt lonely and I have realised I have to do what is best for us under the present circumstances.Thanks to all of you out there.

[madamelapin]

I don't think it is just a question of how the child thinks of their childhood - afer all single children don't know what it is like to have a sibling - and there are real benefits for the parents in having more than one child

1. they play with each other - it isn't a question of whether they get on, they just keep each other busy, which as a busy parent is an enormous plus

2.Children who have to share their stuff, and their parents' time from any early age are logically going to be better team players. If you work in a team (as I do) I think you can work out who the single children were. They're very much more self contained. This has enormous benefits, but as a parent I think it is lovely having everyone mucking in and understanding that you work as a team.

1. I think as a parent you are less precious about parenting when you have two children, which has to be a good thing in life. I know I was precious with my DD firstborn, and like many mothers found no 2 a lot easier because I was much more relaxed. I think that relaxed attitude is good for the parents, even if you have to compromise with other things.

Ultimately every family is different, and you can't judge whether something is better or not, but I believe there are advantages to having more than one child.

[blackrock]

I have one DS aged three. We have a broad social network which includes children from large families of upto four and two other onlies (none by choice).

Of the group. One only is shy (so is her mother), two very social and mix readily (so are their mothers).

There are advantages and disadvantages. Financially we have been able to do more than we ever planned and have given DS broader experiences. Some of my friends with more than one have commented on the activities such as cycling, swimming, etc that are more complicated with two littlies.

Time spent is another discussion I have with my friends with several littlies.

The discussion the friends with onlies have is socialisation. We all make an exerted effort to help our children mix, play, discuss and socialise with their peers. We are lucky. It is a smallish community and we feel it works, but will need continued effoert/pleasure!

[HarrietToo]

Just coming back to this one - in some ways, I probably have rather a warped view in this question. My mum is an only child, as I said before, and she was very keen to have multiple children, but in practice actually found it quite difficult. She was very upset by behaviour I'd imagine is quite normal - screaming, fighting, refusing to share toys, etc - as I think it didn't meet her idea of how siblings should behave. We grew up trying to conceal things from my mum as she would worry about everything, which is probably why my sinblings and I are simultaneously all so protective and helpful towards others but also extremely insecure.

[laxmum]

I am an only child and by choice have one dd. I really enjoyed being an only child and was never lonely as always made friends wherever I was. Must admit I do now appreciate my own space and go mad if I can a bit of time to myself. Like pollmeister my dd now has a step brother and a step sister who she see's fortnightly and another step brother who she also see's regularly. They all get on well and now really glad I only had one or would have to by a people carrier and get bunk beds (and probably larger house) to cram em all in.

[HypnobirthLady]

Life is about making the best of what you've got. Whether that means one child or many and whether through choice or fate. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you've done something bad.

[Caroline99]

This has been the best thread ever. I have had the same dilemma as we have one dd who is 3 and I have been feeling guilty as we have decided not to have another one - not sure if its possible anyway as i'm 42. But i now feel alot better after reading all the posts. thanks...

[pollmeister]

I have only one daughter (age 3) and I am really too old (and poor!) to have another (Im 43) even though we talked about it. DD1 was an unexpected joy (she was planned). But she does have 3 half brothers and sisters (8, 13 & 15) who love her and she loves them . She sees them every fortnight at least and spends holidays with them - I havent seen many posts on this thread about half bros and sisters which surprises me...Id like to hear more stories about the relationships between halfs and steps - but I guess thats another thread!
Anyway my sister who is a teacher in a secondary school made an interesting point to me recently. She said that Only Kids liked going to school more in her experience. Kinda makes sense I suppose!

[lilacpink]

My DH has been angry with me before for 'seeming' to pity him for not having a sibling. It's not a case of pity, I just can't imagine being an 'only' anymore than he can imagine having a sibling, and could not say we had an equivalent experience as I have always felt as though I have an equal in my family. Not the same as a friend, or cousin or Aunt but a 'linked' equal person (even though we are v. different and have always had v. different friends groups). Maybe this is my personality though, on the whole I loved sharing growing-up with another child/teen who was often with me (we shared a room until we were late teens). If my parents couldn't have had a another child I wouldn't have known what I had missed to feel any loss, I'm just grateful they could and did.

[kittywise]

Sorry, but I can take offence at things I find offensive it has nothing to do with my own views. My experience as an only is not great

[JamieJay]

Agree entirely with GrendelsMum, I've never got this obsession with only children being alone once their parents die. Don't only children ever have their own familes?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"Thye did not get the concept of 'playfighting' but were very agressive and over-exuberant, obviously ever having 'negotiated' boundaries - whereas the ones with siblings were still lively, but not destructive, a pleasure to have, and will be re-invited often"

Not a very nice post, having another child just to understand the concept of play fighting is a little extreme. Playfighting is not something I would encourage personally.

My only child is not destructive in any way, why would an only child be destructive but a child with a sibling not?

I love the summer holidays and to say parents of onlys dread them is unfair, plenty of posts on here from parents not keen on the long school holidays regardless of their number of children.

[frankbestfriend]

MrsGuy that's a very negative post about onlies. I absolutely do not dread the summer holidays with my only dd, in fact I cherish the extra time I have with her.

Today I have taken her round to a friend's who has a 3yodd and a newborn, and dd was fantastic, fussing over the toddler so she felt included, and being very gentle and sensitive with the baby.

Perhaps your ds' friends are onlies because they are such horrors that their parents couldn't face any more
I strongly believe a child should be planned because it is wanted by it's parents, no t for the benefit of the existing children.

Kittywise, you were quite clear in your earlier post that you felt only children were miserable and lonely, so there is hardly room to take offence at comments regarding larger families.

Why do so many Mothers feel the need to defend their own reproductive choices by making disparaging comments about those who chose the opposite path?

[laughinglil]

the thing is until I had my dd I thought that one child would be lovely for me, and so did OH. However now we have dd , ds has someone to play with (Even though she is only 1 but they keep each other company! )
My Oh always said he was quite lonely, his parents did do lots of things with him but they were also very strict which meant he really was only around adult company most of the time.
I agree about once the child dies they will have a big friendship group but it isn't the same as having a brother or sister.. your friends haven't got the same memorys or feelings about their parents its very difficult really tbh...
This is a very very difficult topic with many different opinions and answers.. however they are only opinions , you should have another child because you want another child , because you will love them just as much as the first. Maybe now isn't the right time in your life but you may feel differently (or not) in a few months/years

[Overmydeadbody]

singke children are not necessarily more disadvantaged than any other type of child.

Childhood is more dependant on the type of parenting you recieve than your birth order, I think.

[wahwahwah]

I was the last in a very large family and did feel a little left out a lot of the time. I was even left behind on a camping trip once 'we thought you were in the car!'.

Especially when the age gap between first and last is large - it's 'ah that's a lovely drawing of a kitty you did... OH MY GOD, HE DID WHAT, WHEN, WHERE???... hang on we need to go and pick your brother from the police station'.