are single children disadvantaged?

[tiredmama]

We have one DS aged 3.Both of us have full time jobs and I also work 1 weekend in 4 and also do night shifts.Our parents are abroad(we are immigrants) and we have no family support here at all.We have this ongoing debate almost everyday about whether to have more children.Practically, it is going to be very very hard .As it is, we are struggling to cope with parental demands, work demands.We are worried we will be totally snowed under.We are not natural parents like some of the others we have seen and have to try very hard.Neither of us is willing to let our careers take a back seat as we both enjoy our jobs.But on the other hand, I feel it is not fair to bring up an only child as children need other childrens company, esp. siblings.When he grows up and when we pass away, who will he share childhood memories with?This decision is killing me.Any thoughs opn whether single children grow up disadvantaged?

[CatchaStar]

"I feel it is not fair to bring up an only child as children need other children`s company, esp. siblings."

I feel I need to disagree. My little girl is 2.2 years old. Being a single mum, the choice of having another child has been out of my hands. But my dd is just fine.
I think it hugely comes down to circumstances. Yes, children should be around other children for company, but that doesn't automatically mean they need a sibling. Does your son go to playgroups or nursery?

For instance. I take dd to play group every Wednesday afternoon, and she has been in nursery 2 afternoons a week since January. At the end of August she will begin her new nursery place for 3 afternoons a week. This weekend we spent Saturady at a friends house for her sons second Birthday, and on Sunday we were at another friends house so my dd and her son could play together. I've tried to make sure she has as much social interaction as possible, more so because it is just me and her and I feel she needs to be around other adults and children.

I am also incredibly fortunate to have a very close family, my parents and one of my sisters live in the same town as me and dd. My other sister comes up every one to two months to see us. My dd never goes a week without seeing her Grandparents or Auntie, and she loves them very much. Today we are meeting up with my mum and going to the park.

I understand where you are coming from. If you both work and you don't have any family nearby, then I totally see why you would be asking this. Ultimately it comes down to you and what you and your family want. I think I would just say that, I personally don't believe you should have a child just so that your first has a sibling. You have to want to have that child, dykwim?

[laughinglil]

I personally think there are advantages and disadvantages to being an only child.
My mum was an only child and both of her parents died in their late fiftys early 60's. She has opened up to me lately that even though she had a wonderful childhood she wishes she had a brother or sister. She spent most of her childhood surrounded by cousins , however now she rarely sees them . She said to me that she feels so lonely, luckily my parents have a very wide group of friends who they socialise with a few times a week, but she says if only she had a sister or someone she could call out of the blue just for a chat.
Once her parents died she was the only one who felt how she was feeling, other people were upset of course but noone truly understood her.
I for this reason alone through personal experiences have had more than one child as I never wish on anyone the feelings my mum has. She also told me that I had to have more than one lol !
However my OH is also an only child and had a lovely childhood, again he says he wished he had a brother or sister to share certain things with. We were very young when we met (11) and 15 when we starting seeing each other and I couldn't believe how truly spoilt he was, he only had to click his fingers and he had something..however he has now learnt through having more than one child and through me having quite a big family that he wasn't living in the so called 'real world' lol!
I hope I haven't offended anyone in this post I just wanted to share my own personal experiences of being an only child.

[LittleMissTuffet]

Oh no, not the old "only children are spoilt" chestnut! Trust me, plenty of kids with siblings are more spoilt than my DD will ever be.

[trickerg]

I agree, LMT! That's a label that just won't go away! I've heard people comment to my son (who's now 17) that he's so lucky that 'he hasn't had to share' or that 'he can have anything he wants'. This is SO untrue that it makes my blood boil. I've seen children from bigger families heaped in material possessions!

There are a set of labels that seem to come into use when explaining a child's antisocial behaviour - e.g. the spoilt only, the 'forgotten' middle child craving for attention, the forceful FB, the babied last child.... of course there are children like this, but spread randomly across the population, whether only, FB, middle...
I'm a teacher and squirm in the staff room if these lazy and unjustifiable excuses are used.

It's all swings and roundabouts. People are all different, no matter how many children they grow up with.

[pleasechange]

laughinglik - I do think your "real world" comment is fairly offensive tbh

[choufleur]

I'm an only. I think I've managed to live in the real world. I didn't get my every whim - if I did I would have had a pony as a child.

I have friends with sibling who had far more materially than me - their parents have more money. And they still get more spent on them than me, that's just the way things go.

You can be spoilt as an only child or as one of 10. It's relative.

the spoilt only child thing does annoy me though.

[TsarChasm]

I guess some onlies might be spoiled others not. I don't think I was.

Cos there was only me, I think the opposite might've been true really. My parents didn't seem to cotton on to what many of my friends families did did wrt dc's driving lessons, buying cars, houses etc. I've never asked them for a thing on the money front.

I was expected, perhaps more than others I knew, to pay rent at home when I worked. They weren't used to being asked by lots of children for things and it wasn't how my family ticked for me to keep on at them. That wouldn't have gone down well at all!

My mum is also v v houseproud and I certainly wasn't a stranger to doing my bit on the housework front.

All that's good though Some of that may spring from their own generation though. They grew up in austere post war Britain, so they've never known how to be splashy about things.

Yes you get more of their attention - that's good and not so good at times. But even then I still got on with my own thing.

We didn't even have much in the way of holidays either. That I don't understand actually looking back. Not when I hear how so many I grew up with went camping etc with their families.

I do it now with my dc, but have very few memories of that kind of thing from my own childhood, which seems a shame and probably contributes to my feeling that my childhood was rather on the quiet side.

[Spero]

sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but this is something I think about as my dd is an only and very likely to remain so.

I think if you like your siblings and get on with them, this is a fantastic relationship and a great comfort and support throughout life. BUT there is no guarrantee that simply because you share parents, you will like your siblings.

I am not close to my brothers and my precious child hood memories are 90% of fighting and screaming and wishing they weren't around. Our temperaments just didn't gel at all. If it was hard for me, I don't want to dwell on what a nightmare it must have been for our parents.

So if you don't think you can cope, don't worry. You are absolutely not depriving your child of a certain, wonderful thing... just the possibility of something that could be great, but equally might not be.

[MrsGuyofGisbourne]

Have not read the whole thread, and do not wnat to upset anyone who cannot have more than one, but if you can have another, PLEASE do. Am not an only myself, have a brother with whom I am not and never have been close, but I would still urge anyone to have at least two if possible.
The only children I know do not miss out materially, and have lots of adult attention and lots of playdates, but they are noticably different in their behaviour with other children, and not in a good way. This became apparent to me one afternnon when on DS2s birthday I had all the boys in his class round to our house for tea, with no other assistance except DS1, who said to me afterwards, 'mum 'w,x,y,&z were totally exhausting' and interestingly they were the ones without siblings ( which he had not known). Thye did not get the concept of 'playfighting' but were very agressive and over-exuberant, obviously ever having 'negotiated' boundaries - whereas the ones with siblings were still lively, but not destructive, a pleasure to have, and will be re-invited often! Okay these were boys, not girls, so maybe not thte same dynamic.
Also, despite the extra effort of logistics, the way they play together is magical and they always have an ally. We do not have to arrange endless playdates and distractions, because they always have a companion. Our friends with onlies are constantly trying to arrange 'playdates' and dread the summer hols.

[wahwahwah]

It is different for each child. My mum was an only child and I can't see how that disadvantaged her.

I know people with siblings that they hate and never speak to. Better to be one loved child than the last one in a large family who is overlooked!

I only worry about DS when we get old and croak it but am sure that he will have a good network of friends and support by then.

[kittywise]

Why would the last one in a large family be over looked exactly?

[wahwahwah]

I was the last in a very large family and did feel a little left out a lot of the time. I was even left behind on a camping trip once 'we thought you were in the car!'.

Especially when the age gap between first and last is large - it's 'ah that's a lovely drawing of a kitty you did... OH MY GOD, HE DID WHAT, WHEN, WHERE???... hang on we need to go and pick your brother from the police station'.

[Overmydeadbody]

singke children are not necessarily more disadvantaged than any other type of child.

Childhood is more dependant on the type of parenting you recieve than your birth order, I think.

[laughinglil]

the thing is until I had my dd I thought that one child would be lovely for me, and so did OH. However now we have dd , ds has someone to play with (Even though she is only 1 but they keep each other company! )
My Oh always said he was quite lonely, his parents did do lots of things with him but they were also very strict which meant he really was only around adult company most of the time.
I agree about once the child dies they will have a big friendship group but it isn't the same as having a brother or sister.. your friends haven't got the same memorys or feelings about their parents its very difficult really tbh...
This is a very very difficult topic with many different opinions and answers.. however they are only opinions , you should have another child because you want another child , because you will love them just as much as the first. Maybe now isn't the right time in your life but you may feel differently (or not) in a few months/years

[frankbestfriend]

MrsGuy that's a very negative post about onlies. I absolutely do not dread the summer holidays with my only dd, in fact I cherish the extra time I have with her.

Today I have taken her round to a friend's who has a 3yodd and a newborn, and dd was fantastic, fussing over the toddler so she felt included, and being very gentle and sensitive with the baby.

Perhaps your ds' friends are onlies because they are such horrors that their parents couldn't face any more
I strongly believe a child should be planned because it is wanted by it's parents, no t for the benefit of the existing children.

Kittywise, you were quite clear in your earlier post that you felt only children were miserable and lonely, so there is hardly room to take offence at comments regarding larger families.

Why do so many Mothers feel the need to defend their own reproductive choices by making disparaging comments about those who chose the opposite path?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"Thye did not get the concept of 'playfighting' but were very agressive and over-exuberant, obviously ever having 'negotiated' boundaries - whereas the ones with siblings were still lively, but not destructive, a pleasure to have, and will be re-invited often"

Not a very nice post, having another child just to understand the concept of play fighting is a little extreme. Playfighting is not something I would encourage personally.

My only child is not destructive in any way, why would an only child be destructive but a child with a sibling not?

I love the summer holidays and to say parents of onlys dread them is unfair, plenty of posts on here from parents not keen on the long school holidays regardless of their number of children.

[JamieJay]

Agree entirely with GrendelsMum, I've never got this obsession with only children being alone once their parents die. Don't only children ever have their own familes?

[kittywise]

Sorry, but I can take offence at things I find offensive it has nothing to do with my own views. My experience as an only is not great

[lilacpink]

My DH has been angry with me before for 'seeming' to pity him for not having a sibling. It's not a case of pity, I just can't imagine being an 'only' anymore than he can imagine having a sibling, and could not say we had an equivalent experience as I have always felt as though I have an equal in my family. Not the same as a friend, or cousin or Aunt but a 'linked' equal person (even though we are v. different and have always had v. different friends groups). Maybe this is my personality though, on the whole I loved sharing growing-up with another child/teen who was often with me (we shared a room until we were late teens). If my parents couldn't have had a another child I wouldn't have known what I had missed to feel any loss, I'm just grateful they could and did.

[pollmeister]

I have only one daughter (age 3) and I am really too old (and poor!) to have another (Im 43) even though we talked about it. DD1 was an unexpected joy (she was planned). But she does have 3 half brothers and sisters (8, 13 & 15) who love her and she loves them . She sees them every fortnight at least and spends holidays with them - I havent seen many posts on this thread about half bros and sisters which surprises me...Id like to hear more stories about the relationships between halfs and steps - but I guess thats another thread!
Anyway my sister who is a teacher in a secondary school made an interesting point to me recently. She said that Only Kids liked going to school more in her experience. Kinda makes sense I suppose!

[Caroline99]

This has been the best thread ever. I have had the same dilemma as we have one dd who is 3 and I have been feeling guilty as we have decided not to have another one - not sure if its possible anyway as i'm 42. But i now feel alot better after reading all the posts. thanks...

[HypnobirthLady]

Life is about making the best of what you've got. Whether that means one child or many and whether through choice or fate. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you've done something bad.

[laxmum]

I am an only child and by choice have one dd. I really enjoyed being an only child and was never lonely as always made friends wherever I was. Must admit I do now appreciate my own space and go mad if I can a bit of time to myself. Like pollmeister my dd now has a step brother and a step sister who she see's fortnightly and another step brother who she also see's regularly. They all get on well and now really glad I only had one or would have to by a people carrier and get bunk beds (and probably larger house) to cram em all in.

[HarrietToo]

Just coming back to this one - in some ways, I probably have rather a warped view in this question. My mum is an only child, as I said before, and she was very keen to have multiple children, but in practice actually found it quite difficult. She was very upset by behaviour I'd imagine is quite normal - screaming, fighting, refusing to share toys, etc - as I think it didn't meet her idea of how siblings should behave. We grew up trying to conceal things from my mum as she would worry about everything, which is probably why my sinblings and I are simultaneously all so protective and helpful towards others but also extremely insecure.

[blackrock]

I have one DS aged three. We have a broad social network which includes children from large families of upto four and two other onlies (none by choice).

Of the group. One only is shy (so is her mother), two very social and mix readily (so are their mothers).

There are advantages and disadvantages. Financially we have been able to do more than we ever planned and have given DS broader experiences. Some of my friends with more than one have commented on the activities such as cycling, swimming, etc that are more complicated with two littlies.

Time spent is another discussion I have with my friends with several littlies.

The discussion the friends with onlies have is socialisation. We all make an exerted effort to help our children mix, play, discuss and socialise with their peers. We are lucky. It is a smallish community and we feel it works, but will need continued effoert/pleasure!