are single children disadvantaged?

[tiredmama]

We have one DS aged 3.Both of us have full time jobs and I also work 1 weekend in 4 and also do night shifts.Our parents are abroad(we are immigrants) and we have no family support here at all.We have this ongoing debate almost everyday about whether to have more children.Practically, it is going to be very very hard .As it is, we are struggling to cope with parental demands, work demands.We are worried we will be totally snowed under.We are not natural parents like some of the others we have seen and have to try very hard.Neither of us is willing to let our careers take a back seat as we both enjoy our jobs.But on the other hand, I feel it is not fair to bring up an only child as children need other childrens company, esp. siblings.When he grows up and when we pass away, who will he share childhood memories with?This decision is killing me.Any thoughs opn whether single children grow up disadvantaged?

[notyummy]

I think what this thread is teaching us is that there are no guarantees - an only child may be lonely....but a child with siblings may have nothing in common at all and feel equally lonely or actively upset by his/her siblings.

There are advantages and disadvantges to both - if you aree a 'go with the flow' individual who finds complete fulfillment in parenting then a large family will probably suit. If you are less of a natural parent and wrestle with your other wants/needs (career/hobbies - I love keeping fit) then you are better with a smaller family to ensure that you can give enough love and attention to the child you have.

[Donkeyswife]

Tiredmama, I probably come in at the other extremity of the spectrum. I am one of 7 siblings. Growing up was chaotic, full of laughter, explosive arguments (us siblings fighting with each other) one minute, hysterical laughing the next, and in general I have a warm fuzzy feeling about my childhood.

The downside was my dad worked like a trojan so we didn't see him too much and my mum worked part time. I used to crave peace and quiet every now and again and money was tight so lots of hand me down clothes etc.

My best childhood friend was/is an only child and she hated it. She used to love coming to our house because it was just so full of life and energy.

I'm now 41 and I love having all my sisters and brother. We don't all get on but in general we are really close.

I have 2 dc, wanted a 3rd but dh (one of 3), said absolutely no, for pretty much the same reasons you have stated (though I'm sure it's just looking at our family get togethers that's put him off!).

Speaking as someone from a very large family, I'd say go for it.

[wannaBe]

IMO there is no right or wrong answer.

And tbh I fail to see how a child can "hate being an only child", as you can't possibly miss what you don't have.

I have an only child but not through choice. But I watch my friends/my sister with their more than one child and I see how they spend their time breaking up arguments/having to plan activities that fit in around both/all children's ages, being unable to be at all activities if they clash so one sibling having to lose out over another, and tbh I think there are downsides to having more than one child in the same way as there are downsides to having an only.

Nobody should feel pressured into having more than having one child, because there are no guarantees, and if you end up having another child to establish that all-important sibling relationship and it turns out that your children grow up hating each other and fighting constantl (which happens a lot of the time), then you will be sorely disappointed and could even regret having that second child (I know plenty of people who regret having a second child).

[Orissiah]

My parents both worked fulltime and loved their jobs so stopped at one child (me). After a long day at childcare/school I enjoyed spending time just with my mum or dad before bed. I have wonderful memories of my weekends with them both - going out, doing activities or simply chilling out at home. I also had several close friends. We also went on great holidays abroad every year because my parents could afford to.

History is repeating itself. I am stopping at one child (my 13 month old DD), I love my career, I work fulltime by choice, and I would find being a SAHM very difficult because I am not very good spending long periods of time witn babies or children. But I love the time I have with DD when I pick her up after work and before her bed time. And I love my time with her on the weekends/holidays.

And most important of all, she is a happy, sociable, contented little thing who knows me as "Mama" and hugs me loads but also loved her Daddy, her childminders, her cousins and her friends are daycare.

She will be fine, just as I have been.

I do not do guilt.

[MorrisZapp]

I love that post Orissiah.

Kids will moan no matter what their family situation. People should have the number of kids (or no kids) that suits them, not as some kind of insurance policy against future loneliness.

It's all swings and roundabouts anyway. Who knows what the future holds for any of us.

[Iklboo]

Onlies have no-one else to blame when they break a window/eat all the jelly/mess up their room (I speak as an only)

I didn't miss having siblings and got to spend lots of time with my folks. DH doesn't particularly get on with his 3 brothers and sister - birthdays, weddings, funerals etc tends to cover it

[GrungeBlobPrimpants]

Hmm. I'm probably going to go against the grain a bit here ... I'm an only, and whilst I had a very happy early childhood and no wish for a sibling, as I got older that changed and as an adult, with a family of my own, I really felt I could not let my firstborn be an only child. It's not something I would wish on anyone (not a popular mumsnet sentiment I know). I would like nothing more than have someone else to share memories with. Like you, I had similar career issues and am not a 'natural' mother, so I had another and though it was totally exhauzting, career went downhill a bit etc it was something I never regretted. Would have had more if not constraints on my age.

However, as other posters have said, life's what you make it - siblings are not a guarantee of life's happiness and you have to do what's right for you.

[imoscarsmum]

On one hand I have plenty of friends who tell me having a 2nd is easier as they have to slot into the routine set up by the first (I have DD of 10m and work F/T - not sure but I think I'd like another one in about 2 years).
On the other hand, if you love your job and would resent limiting your career then you may turn into bitter mummy, which is no good for your children. They need a happy, fulfilled mummy.

Only you can decide but the grass can always seem greener, whatever your circumstances.

[TsarChasm]

I'm another only who wanted to have more than one dc.

I had a nice childhood but it was quiet and I felt a bit under the spotlight (both good and bad) when I was growing up. Only children can sometimes be a bit 'old heads on young shoulders' and introspective. I think I was.

I watch my three dc together I really think I missed out on the fun and chaos that I see they enjoy. They have a confidence around other children that I never had.

Having said that being an only child doesn't mean unhappiness. I was happy. But those are the things I notice with the perspective of looking back at myself.

[DawnAS]

I am one of 5. My Mum was an only child and hated it so vowed to have lots of children.

The outcome is that I spent most of my youth looking after my younger siblings because my Mum had to work nights to help my Dad to financially support us all.

My elder sister and I used to stand back while the other three all craved attention from our parents which has resulted in me not being close to my siblings at all. We all individually feel that we didn't get any emotional support from our parents, even though they were always there for us in a physically supportive sense. But to this day I don't ever recall my Mum telling me that she loves me.

I didn't want that for my children. DH and I had our first child 7 weeks ago and we both believe that she will be an only child. DH has two sisters and obviously with 4 siblings on my side, there will be plenty of cousins. But we both feel that we want to cherish our daughter and don't ever want her to feel that she's not the most important thing in our lives.

Believe me, this is only my experience from my own childhood as I've got friends with siblings whose parents love and support them equally. Unfortunately that wasn't my experience and still isn't.

So, what I'm trying to say is, I don't think that having one child is an issue as long as you can support her emotionally. She will become a rounded individual with your and your DH's love and understanding.

[goingtohaveagoodnightssleep]

I'm an only child. I really didn't mind when I was growing up as I had friends and also enjoyed my own my company.

Now as an adult I really wish that I had a sibling. WHen my mum is ill I am the only one she has to turn to, although she is not a burden it would be nice to have someone else there for her too. I would now also like to have someone who shared my upbringing and to share my childrens lives with.

I have three children and was sure I didn't want to have just one.

[pispirispis]

Hello, another only here. I was very close to my parents in a lot of ways and I think there are definite advantages to being an only child, but I definitely want my dd to have a sibling. There are 2 main reasons, which are more due to my "situation" as a child than being an only, I think, so here goes...

My parents went out every Saturday night and left me with some boring teenage babysitter, or alone when I was old enough. On Sundays often we wouldn't do anything most of the time as they were hung over. Often on holidays or daytrips we would go to the pub during the day, and I remember so many boring times sitting quietly with a colouring book. Yes I was good at playing alone and now am very strong, independent and resourceful as a result of all the time alone, but I was so lonely and bored.

I also soo agree with what TsarChasm said about 'old heads on young shoulders' and being introspective. This has made me independent and academically a high achiever, but I didn't feel happy as a child with my "old head" and would have loved more silliness, noise, chaos, and not feeling soo guilty when I'd done something naughty, because if I'd had a sibling I would have seen them do naughty things too.

So I think it's VERY important to ensure that an only gets to do lots of child-centred activities like going to the park loads (that the balance is right), that they are surrounded by other children as much as possible and that they get lots of opportunities to be silly, chaotic, noisy, and dare I say it, naughty.

Sorry if this is direct, but you say that your careers take up a lot of your time and are very demanding - doesn't that mean it is even more important that you have another dc so your ds won't be terribly lonely? An only child will crave your constant love and attention and will feel very lonely if he doesn't get it... BTW I understand what it's like to live abroad and have no family around as I'm in the same situation - it's hard!

[pispirispis]

Sorry, the end of my post sounds very negative - I forgot to add that if you'll be able to devote "quality" time every evening to your ds and do lots of child-centred activities with him yourselves on the weekends, then I'm sure you'd have a very happy little only son!

[TsarChasm]

Pispirispis - Yes that's it for me too! The silliness, being naughty and a bit cazy and noisy. It's only now I see my dc that I think I would've liked all that.

It really could be such a 'big deal'(sigh, looking back) if/when I went against the grain, which inevitably you do, especially as a teenager.

I feel in the end I held back quite a bit because I really felt quite dutiful and knew it wasn't ok to slip up. I still feel it now with my parents and I'm 44

Mind you, the threads I see about only children on mn - I don't recall these kind of concerns ever coming up with my parents about me being an only child. It wasn't really the sort of thing parents worried about back then, and there wasn't a culture of asking what everyone else was doing, that there is today.

As parents are more tuned into their dc nowadays, I guess some of what I'm saying may not even be relevant, because parents are more aware from the outset. And anyway, yes of course there are people who grew up with siblings who have their own gripes, so grass always looks greener I guess.

[LaydeeStardust]

I'm the only child of an only child (mum) and a dad who was an immigrant from overseas who couldn't easily return to his own country -so no cousins either.

I was also shy and my parents never wanted me to be upset so didn't particularly encourage me to socialise because I found it so difficult-e.g i cried after my first attempt at Brownies so they never sent me again!

I spent my childhood reading and playing with my imaginary friends

As an adult I have several close friends but am still very shy by nature and have to pretend to be confident because it doesn't come naturally to me.

Despite friends I do have a sense of loneliness and I would give anything for sisters or brothers or cousins for that matter. I really envy my friends the way they just know that even though they don't live in each others pockets their siblings are always there for them. I even find myself being a teeny bit jealous of my own children for having siblings!!!

I had four children because I felt so strongly about this -thankfully they all seem to be close and like each other....most of the time!!!!!

I'm aware that people sometimes only have one child through reasons outside of their control but in my honest opinion and from my own personal experince I'd urge people to have more than one if at all possible

Its especially difficult being an only and dealing with ageing parents alone I find.

[qumquat]

All of the adult only-children I know are without fail absolutely lovely. My cod psychology theory for this is that they didn't grow up fighting, so never developed that 'edge'. I love my brother and sister dearly and am very close to my sister, but I'm also emornously bitter and twisted about various sibling isues from my childhood, it's never straightforwardly good or bad to have siblings or not.

Having siblings doesn't guarantee you help in looking after aged p's either. My mum has 4 brothers but none of them raised a finger to help my mum care for their parents.

[lilacpink]

I have a sister and now even if we don't speak for a few weeks (she's been abroad for years) she still feels very near me and we understand each other. That's why I was personally adament to have two, which caused problems between DH (only child) and me. He doesn't know what he's missed, I'm not happy for DD to miss out. That's my personal view though through my life experience.

[pispirispis]

TsarChasm, yes, that's how I felt, I was a dutiful daughter too! And pretty serious as a result. But you're totally right, the grass always looks greener and all that. When I used to wish I had a brother or sister, I then used to imagine I probably would have ended up with a brother with a very quiet personality like my dad who would have spent hours in his room with his hobbies and that we would have had nothing in common, so that used to make me feel better!

Yes, I think you're right too that parents these days are more aware. I was born in the 70s so it was completely normal for me to be spending a lot of time drinking glasses of coke and eating crisps in the pub, but it would have been nice to have someone to run around the place with being a pain!

[applepudding]

My DH is an only child and I have one sibling. We both had happy childhoods.

As an adult in my 40's with elderly parents and an elderly FIL I can see the disadvantage that the majority of the care is going to fall to me (my brother lives some distance) but this can happen whatever your circumstances and is certainly no reason for having more children.

Our DS is an only child. At times he has asked me why he can't have a brother and sister, and I have felt guilty, but for various reasons, the time we took to conceive DS, finances and my age we decided to leave it at one.

Ds is generally a very happy child. He can be very self contained and play happily by himself for ages. He is also sociable, and I make a point of asking his friends to play regularly and meeting up with my friends who have DC of similar ages in the holidays.

I think the advantages to DS of being an only child are the time we are able to spend with him, and the fact that because I only have one DC and work part time, I am a lot more relaxed and laid back than I would be if I had more DC.

[mrsruffallo]

I do think there is such a thing as too much attention for a child.
I love watching my children make up a game together and share jokes.
They do argue but they are also incredibly close. It's a different kind of closeness than friends have.

[tiredmama]

I have a sister who lives in another country.We have a love hate relationship as perhaps most siblings do.But I feel my life has been enriched in some way by her and if ever I have a problem with my life,I would probably call her first.But when we were growing up,we were unaware of each other`s existence.I think it is when you are adults you realise how important it is to have a someone with a shared past.But then again,as many people on this post have commented, my dh and his brother speak once a year at the most.
It is such a hard decision.I am 32 and I dont want to have any more children after I am 35.Hence ,faced with this decision now.

[lilacpink]

When you say "we're not natural parents" please be aware that other people often feel like that, and also those who think about their parenting skills are actually doing a great job because they care enough to reflect on what they're doing. If your DS is a fairly happy child, then don't base your decision on feelings that your having when comparing yourselves to others. If you think that you ultimately cannot have quality time with another child than of course it would make sense not to have one, but I do say 'quality' not 'quantity' here, many children have periods of time in childcare and are fine (and well-prepared for school).

[pluto]

DS1 was an only for 9 years until arrival of DS2 in February. After years of TTC no2. I tried very hard to stay focused on the positives of being an only for DS1's sake - and there are many positives - sometimes easier to see with the benefit of hindsight! However, the longed for arrival of DS2 really has made our family "complete" - the dynamics between us all just feel better and less pressured for DS1 somehow and he is absolutely thrilled with his baby brother. However, I also have experience of seeing how siblings can grow apart. In the end every family is unique and I would say to the OP that you just have to do what feels right for you - if you think you will feel compromised or resentful if you bring another baby into the world - don't do it.

[Allyinoz]

I don't think having another child because No.1 might get lonely/disadvantaged is a good enough reason.

I think that you have to want that second child purely for themselves. Do you WANT AND feel able to have another child? Is the question. I think if you read back your first post you have answered it yourself.

Maybe you are dealing with the grief of not having another and the 'missing out'.

I understand I struggle with those thoughts constantly.

[GrendelsMum]

I always feel quite insulted when people say that only children have to struggle alone when their parents become ill or die. My mum is an only child, as is her cousin, and I can assure you that neither of them have been left to struggle with elderly parents - both of them have plenty of family and friends who were delighted to step in and assist my grandma, great-aunt when they became elderly and eventually died. I sorted out selling my gran's house, my dad organised her funeral (and picked out wonderful music and gave a memorial speech), a friend of my mum's catered for the wake... Why do we all assume that only children will have no family of their own or friends when they grow up?

Interestingly, both my mum and her cousin were children of immigrants who didn't have a huge support network around them when they moved to this country.