The only child debate. Are you a happy only child?

[josephineamy]

Hello everyone,

My basic question is, is it so bad to be an only child? I have a wonderful 5yr old little boy and DH and I had always intended to have at least one other child. But I had hyperemisis (hospitalised with extremely bad vomiting) in my first preg as well as various other horrid complications. These things are very likely to happen again if I were to become preg again and that terrifies me and would, I fear, put a lot of pressure on my marriage, as my DH found it very hard to cope with me being miserable and ill the first time and had to pick up a lot of slack after our DS was born as my recovery was slow. It was the hardest time of our lives and we're only just back to being on an even keel. This time we'd have a child to care for too. I don't have family close by who could help out (did have the first time and lent on them heavily!) and we don't have the money or space for a nanny or the like. So, with the exception of some great friends with their own kids to care for, we'd be on our own.

But if we don't give our DS a sibling are we sentencing him to a life of lonliness? I've read a book recently that suggests that only children miss out on learning some of the important lessons in life about parental fallibility (they don't see you making mistakes with another child!) about sharing possessions, time and space, about fighting for what you need in groups scenarios etc. etc. This book seemed to have only the most meagre of silver linings (onlies get all the financial and emotional support of both parents) and the participants, all only children, pretty much all seemed scarred by their childhoods. Whilst I can mitigate for some of the things DS will miss by providing him with lots of opportunity to play with other children and by not giving him too much responsibilty and making him a small adult (another common complaint in the book). Would I be being selfish in not providing him with a brother or sister? Is anyone out there a happy only child? Or are you too raising an only who seems happy and well adjusted? My son does so far. Should I, as a couple of friends have suggested stop reading parenting books??!!!

Your experiences of being an only or raising one would be very welcome.

Thank you.

I am an only. I did feel lonely as a child, and I feel sometimes that I struggle to get the right balance in friendships. However I am very close to my cousins, which probably wouldn't be the case if I had siblings, and also to the family of my Childminder which was like a second home.

I was quite keen that DS wasn't going to be an only, but due to medical issues, I think we will be lucky to have another one and tbh as DS gets older, I would worry about the practicalities of going back to nappies and so forth, plus I feel that I am more of a toddler and upwards mother rather than a baby one. DS does like company so try to keep him on the go, meet up with friends with DCs and tire him out doing things.

The important thing is to do what is right for you as a family. You know your own limits and those of your DH and if you have made that decision and are happy with it then far better to stick to it then having a child for the sake of your DS.

I am an only, I'm fine! You whinge about it as a kid, like people with siblings whinge.. you don't know any different. I don't think it's a bad or good thing, just depends on the person.

Catching up from yesterday....excellent post abdab
I flounced from Another Parenting Forum after a poster basically equated having an only child to abuse (ironic, really, as 2 years earlier she herself had been posting on the Only Children board and convinced her child too would be an only) and if anyone I've ever met either IRL or cyberspace is a toxic parent, she is.
It's always down to the parents....

I can't remember who said it, but I do agree that maybe a sibling would have been useful to rant with during the teenage angst years.....

I think it depends on why a child is an only.

I am an only and very happy, thanks for asking. I am fine with sharing and enjoy my own company, seeing this as a positive trait.

My parents had me at 30 (pretty late back in the 1970s) and really decided that they didn't particulalrly love the baby years and didn't want to go back to sleepless nights etc.

But a close friend at school was an only not by choice, in that her parents couldn't have any more.

She was a lot more "doted on" and spoiled than me (lucky thing!). She, again, unlike me, feels very tied to and responsible for her parents. I, alternatievly, have moved to Australia and have always been encouraged to be independent.

I don't really feel that a great deal of my character was made by being an only anyway. I'm similar to my Dad in loads of ways and he has a brother.

Interestingly both my parents have a sibling, but with 7 years between them, maybe meaning that they felt more like an "only".

In conclusion I think some onlys are unhappy, just as some in big families are. My parents never made a big deal out of it, I always had loads of friends, and make friends easily.

I'm an only, so was my mum and so is DS.
DH is one of five.

I am the more outgoing of the two of us, but we are both very happy in our own company - only certainly doesnt mean lonely.

My mum often says she'd have liked a brother, but she had a very happy childhood and loved her parents very much.

I did'nt have a great relationship with my parents but I never wanted a sibling. I just wanted to leave home asap!

DS does say that he'd like a brother. However he's a very happy outgoing chap and realises that he'd only like a brother if the brother was like him - and heaven forfend if it was a sister!

The drawback as an only approaches middle age is that you are the only as far as elderly parents are concerned - noone to share out the jobs there.

I am an only - and i was just fine - never had any problem with sharing etc etc.

It is now when i am older that i realise that i have no siblings to share laughs with and remember stupid things you did as a kid - like my dh can with his siblings.

It crosses my mind that as my mum gets older - Im going to be solely responsible for any care thats required (although she is very independent)

She recently had an operation with 6 week recovery and meant i had to pop in every day, do her shopping etc etc which of course i dont mind but i do have 3 little ones and dh to look after so i dread if anything happens when she gets older.

I certainly do not remember missing out when growing up BUT i did not want my children to be onlies

Ozzie - I see what you mean about it depending on the reason you're an only, but think a lot also has to do with what your parents' childhoods were like (and this will obviously apply however many children there are).

I wasn't an only through choice, sadly. And while I do think they were a little over-protective, they also made a conscious effort not to stifle me, as they had both experienced a fair amount of parental expectation/pressure/interference and were determined not to do that with me.

So many variables!!

That's also made me remember my mum did have some unpleasant moments when I was at secondary - Catholic - school. Many of the parents were very traditional in their outlook (although the school was lovely and pretty liberal) and they had no compunction about grilling my mum about her lack of a larger family.

I think - hope - that it's less of an issue now.

My mum slways had a gang of kids in the house.

i have 3 kids and there were times when they were younger that i craved solitude!

i find it facinating -sibling rivelry.

i used to get upset when the kids fought each other and dh would laugh it off.

dh has a brother who has rcently moved near us - and till - into their adulthood the rivelry.they love each other very much but i m often in fits of laughter at the metaphorical pissing competitions.

if i were to advise my childen - on having children and how many- it hink i would advise one.

one - gets all the inhertitance that you work for - mine split ours 3 ways.

you are able to devote all your time to ensuring everything is done for school - and still have time for yourself.

have a child and still have time for you - ys thats it completely.

I would question the reason bit - just from the pov that I was happy as an only - but had a still-born brother due to rhesus neg problems (which they didn't do anything about then) so I clealy wasn't meant to be an only.

I am in effect an only. My Dad had 2 boys, one of whom died, so I have a half brother, but he was brought up with his own Mum and is a lot older.

Anyway, I have to say I was not lonely. My parents went out of their way to make sure I had friends round to play all the time. I am a very outgoing, sociable person now. I enjoyed my own space and my parent's attention.

On the down side, it can feel quite intense, beign the sole focus of your parent's attention: it can feel like you carry the entire burden of their expectation,.However, I may have felt the same had I been one of 2 or 3. I also found it incredibly hard when my Dad died a few yeas ago as my Mum only had me to rely on. Again, with a sibling there is no guarantee that it would have been different! And it is a hell of a poor reason to have a secodn kid!

Dh is close to his brother and it has brought a richness to our family life in that we are a close knit family and enjoy each other's company.

I defy anyone to find a person who is not scarred by their childhood, only or with siblings. Do whatever will work for you as a family. Dh and i are considering another child, but at times I think ds would be just as happy as an only. He is very outgoing, good at sharing and loves the company of others.

I'm an only child, and I have mixed feelings about it. I was a very happy child, and actually, I think being an only has made me much more outgoing and confident. I grew up abroad, and therefore I had to make friends, as we didn't even have any family living nearby. I was always being told to "go and ask that little girl what her name is", and my parents encouraged me to foster friendships myself, and never took it upon themselves to 'entertain' me, iyswim. We always took a friend on holiday, or I went with friends, and I can't remember ever being bored as a child, or lonely.

I think interestingly, it has been something I have thought about more as I have gotten older, and I would have always chosen to have a sibling, rather than not. I think now, as friends grow up and we all have our children, I would dearly love a siblilng to share all my experiences with, particularly when my mum is driving me mad!

I definitely like my own company, I can;t bear feeling crowded, and this adjustment was particularly deifficult whtrn dd was born, as I felt a bit suffocated initially.

I was very clear that I didn't want dd to be an only, and I am currently pg with dc2. I feel quite strange about it, tbh, as I have never experienced the sibling relationship myself, so somehow feel I am inflicting some terrible ordeal on dd by expecting her to share us!

I think my parents dealt with having an only child extremely well, and they have definitely made me the person I am today. Sometimes it is hard, all the focus is on me, and I am expected to be perfect at everything, perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect daughter. I would encourage you to ensure that you always give ds a sense of freedom and independence, and not one of obligaiton to yourselves.

Hello Josephine, I am sorry you have had to deal with so much having your ds.

I am one of 3 (well 6 including my 1/2sibs). However dh is an only, and although he is very pleased with our 3 he was also a very happy only child.

Being the only child allowed dh a certain freedom that I envy as someone who occasionally resented the presence of my sibs. He also has a very good and close relationship with his parents which I admire.

The main issue that does rankle is dh's need for solitude which I can find upsetting at times but respect and I think we all need our space so it is not solely an only child 'thing'. He can be very self centred, not out of malice just through never having to consider the needs of others much throughout his childhood, but it is merely habit.

All in all I don't think dh thinks he is at all deprived completely the opposite in fact!

Hi, I am an only child and have only had positives from it with the exception of now being a grown up with elderly and ill parents when I long to have someone else to share it with who has the same responsibility that I do. Having said that there are plenty of people I meet who do have siblings who don't help with parents or just make situations more difficult!

There are so many variables in how we grow up and into what sort of person that I would just ignore parenting books and negatives and get on with enjoying your life with your ds - he will be fine!

Be happy,

x

I have an only child and my mother was an only child herself.

One thing that strikes me is that dh is really not close to his sister at all - they have no more in common than any random strangers, despite being only two years apart. He can't remember ever playing with her and just thought she was quite irritating. So it's not always a guarantee that siblings will get on or support each other... My father's not particularly close to his brother either.

My mother had a very happy childhood, was adored by her parents and adored them, but she was very lonely when they died. I think she would have loved to have had some siblings to share memories with.

Instead she poured all that into us, and told us so many stories about our grandparents we feel as if we knew them.

I do try to ensure ds has lots of friends to play with, encourage him to play out with the neighbours so he has his corners knocked off in terms of having to learn to share/that people argue and then make up, and hope he will be close to his cousins (one of whom is also an only).

Fingers crossed when I am old and need help ds will be able to moan to his cousins about it and they will understand and moan about their mothers, too!

I'm one of 6. I loved having a big family around me, though my eldest sister was 14 years older than me, so we didn't exactly hang out much.

There was a 7 year gap between me and my youngest sibling and I didn't really hang out with her much either.

So...I had many of the advantages of being a youngest child with the disadvantages of being an only child (the gap was too big for me and big sis to bond) and the disadvantages of limited resources and parental disinterest. By the time mum had me she was over the motherhood thing and resented me openly and often.

I have one dd. It's medically related. 3 miscarriages before dd and one after (plus one suspected many years ago) and I figured enough was enough.

You count your blessings. For me, trying again was an option, but not one I seriously considered for long. I think there was a sense of relief in the last loss (though I feel guilty about saying that) as it would have upset the applecart somewhat in terms of my life.

DD is confident, happy and very sociable. She doesn't have issues sharing anything, except for her special things (of which she has a couple, like most kids) and she's willing to be disliked to get her own way when she feels strongly about something. Having said that, she is happiest going for a concensus, but her dad was the same as a child (and as an adult actually) so perhaps that's just genetic.

Some of us are lucky enough to make decisions about our family size and some aren't. If you have a choice, that's what it's all about...choice. You don't have to have a second child just because some expert says you do. Ignore them. Live your life the way you want to, be the best parent you can be and that will be more than enough.

I don't know what parenting book you were reading, josephineamy, but mine and others tell you how to avoid the pitfalls that could arise. Children's development, how they turn out has more to do with the parenting they receive than it does with the number of siblings they have or don't have. For facts and insights on raising and being and only child and parenting info, check Psychology Today magazine on the subject: blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons
Susan Newman, Ph.D. author of Parenting An Only Child www.susannewmanphd.com

Going to buy your book but after I've picked up LO from nursery

Thanks to everyone for your experiences, best wishes and opinions. I've read all the posts and have certainly formed a good idea of the pitfalls to avoid in parenting an only and a strong sense that there is no 'normal' childhood for onlies or those who are part of a sibling group. If my DS stays an only and in further discussion with DH and doctors it seems pretty likely that he will, I will follow that path with renewed confidence and something of a 'plan'.

Providing my DS with a sibling would not be the only reason we'd proceed with enlarging our family. I am horribly broody and in the knowledge that we probably won't have another, I burst into tears at the sight of a gorgeous newborn in a well known restaurant chain only last weekend!!! So clearly my hormones are still willing! But anyone who has had hyperemisis (and other complications) will tell you it's not something you'd countenance again lightly or without reasonable support. And we just don't have that. One thing that parenthood has brought me is the understanding that all too often there is no right answer. We can only do our best in any given situation, painful though that may sometimes be.

I must reiterate that my reading and paraphrasing of the book about only children was subjective (that's why I have not named it as it would be totally unfair) and formed only a part of my knowledge base and dilemma. It wasn't Susan Newman's book which I will certainly look out for.

I've not been a Mumnetter for long but have drawn much succour from the combined wisdom of so many articulate and erudite contributors. Thank you all.

that's a lovely post, Josephine. So sorry about the hyperemisis.

Josephine, I also had HG and can concur that it isn't something that I would want to go through again