The only child debate. Are you a happy only child?

[josephineamy]

Hello everyone,

My basic question is, is it so bad to be an only child? I have a wonderful 5yr old little boy and DH and I had always intended to have at least one other child. But I had hyperemisis (hospitalised with extremely bad vomiting) in my first preg as well as various other horrid complications. These things are very likely to happen again if I were to become preg again and that terrifies me and would, I fear, put a lot of pressure on my marriage, as my DH found it very hard to cope with me being miserable and ill the first time and had to pick up a lot of slack after our DS was born as my recovery was slow. It was the hardest time of our lives and we're only just back to being on an even keel. This time we'd have a child to care for too. I don't have family close by who could help out (did have the first time and lent on them heavily!) and we don't have the money or space for a nanny or the like. So, with the exception of some great friends with their own kids to care for, we'd be on our own.

But if we don't give our DS a sibling are we sentencing him to a life of lonliness? I've read a book recently that suggests that only children miss out on learning some of the important lessons in life about parental fallibility (they don't see you making mistakes with another child!) about sharing possessions, time and space, about fighting for what you need in groups scenarios etc. etc. This book seemed to have only the most meagre of silver linings (onlies get all the financial and emotional support of both parents) and the participants, all only children, pretty much all seemed scarred by their childhoods. Whilst I can mitigate for some of the things DS will miss by providing him with lots of opportunity to play with other children and by not giving him too much responsibilty and making him a small adult (another common complaint in the book). Would I be being selfish in not providing him with a brother or sister? Is anyone out there a happy only child? Or are you too raising an only who seems happy and well adjusted? My son does so far. Should I, as a couple of friends have suggested stop reading parenting books??!!!

Your experiences of being an only or raising one would be very welcome.

Thank you.

I did have a sibling, but he died when I was 20, so I can kind of only understand from an adult point of view.

I don't mind now, being an only. I like my own company. Although, it was dreadful losing a brother. At the time I felt great pressure on me to look after my parents, but now I have my dh and dc's, I feel that I have their support to help with my parents, when they get old.

I am an only child and have an only child, although that may change -- I'm undecided.

But I was very happy to be an only child. My parents had a terrible relationship and were wrapped up in each other and not very family oriented so they didn't compensate by inviting children over.

I had lonely times, but I also like my own company as well. I'm very self-reliant and think I'm well adjusted, can compromise and empathize with others.

I've never missed having a sibling. Mr Bonkers who has a sibling close in age isn't close to her at all.

I do heartily advise NOT basing your decision on what others think, including parenting books. Everyone is pissing in the wind when it comes to the recipe for the perfect child and we'd do well to remember that families come in all shapes and sizes and only children/blended families/one parent familes etc are not 'weird'.

I agree with many of the posters on this thread. I am an only child, and on balance I don't feel that I particularly suffered as a result, although I do remember having periods as a child when I felt I would have like a sibling. As an adult, I also feel very responsible for my parents and am aware that in their old age their care will be my concern and mine alone (although I know of siblings where they don't co-operate in such things, so that's no guarantee of support).

I think being an only child has made me very content in my own company, I am pretty independent and happy to be alone and entertain myself, although as others have said this is perhaps not the best characteristic for making friends easily. (I had a friend at uni, another only child, who remarked on the fact that there was a high proportion of those of us studying English Lit who were only children - she always maintained it was because only children had nothing better to do than sit around and read books! Maybe there's a grain of truth in there somewhere...!?)

I think the negative side of being an only child (and something you can combat if you are aware of it) was being the sole focus of my parents attention, particularly during my teenage years when not being under the microscope quite so much would have been welcomed. For me it was amplified by the fact that I was also a child of two onlies, so not only the much yearned for child, but the much yearned for grandchild on both sides of the family - as a result I always felt slightly claustrophobic. In adulthood, I moved to the other end of the country and still now feel guilt pangs at the fact that I - the only child - chose to live so far away from my parents.

I am expecting my second child at the end of the year. For me, I really didn't want my child to be an only - but that had more to do with wanting to break the 'cycle' of only children in my family for a couple of generations - and if things hadn't turned out that way, I would have had no worries about him being an only. My greatest concern at the moment is how, as an only, I'll deal with sibling relationships which I really don't understand.

No one can say what is right, wrong, or what is better. You just have to do what is right for your family, and that's for ALL of you - not just the child you have at the moment.

My ds will be an 'only' Because of it I have become more sociable. Every week we plan stuff with other families and children. I have become closer to friends as I call them more often to invite them around for dinner/tea/lunch. Always thinking of how we can a house full. This has lead me to be more considerate to others. Invite I wonder if I would have made such an effort if we had 2-3 kids. I think about lone parents and as a couple we invite them around. Do you think lone parents get forgotten?
I'm one of 4 wished I was 1 of 2 when younger. Strangely, the brother I wished only to have then lives in Canada & I never see.
It takes all sorts to make up the world. It must be the norm for many in China.

I'm an only, and had a lovely childhood.

I enjoyed my parents' company, had friends, liked time on my own, and the odd moments I wished for an older brother were very brief.

The hard time was when my mum died. Dad had died a few years earlier, and although I have a very loving and supportive dh, and good friends, I did feel the lack of a sibling to know EXACTLY how I was feeling.

But as many of the people I consider 'family' now are not blood relations anyway, I really don't feel I've missed out.

And I think society in general now is so fluid - blended families, very close friendships in place of family etc - it's less of an issue anyway.

Cakeaddict - English LIt graduate because I read books my whole childhood long: Check. Claustrophobic childhood: check. MOved as far away as possible as soon as I could: Check.

My son is an 'only' too. He is almost five.

I have started to think seriously about pursuading DH (well try to) have another child next year. Not because I really want another child - just because in the future I think there is a strong possibility that I will regret not having another strongly both for ourselves and our child.

DS has been asking for a sibling.

Thankfully, he is a sociable little chap and seems to make friends easily.

Today though, in the park after school, he took time out from playing to speak and play with a friends one year old. He was SO sweet with him!

I'm not sure how useful it is to compare to others. Different parents/different children etc.

I am sure I will come back to this later!

YohoAhoy Agree I've known my best friend for 40 years longer than my brother and sister. DH is an orphan now! It's so sad. he lost his Dad when he was 23 yrs, Mum when he was 40 yrs and now very sadly his sister when she was 46 yrs.
Life can throw these things at you

I am an only and I have always hated it.

I spent loads of time round at friends houses when I was a child because I liked being surrounded by busy family life.

I have 2 DC close in age and might have had more if I had been younger and could have persuaded DH! They get on well most of the time, but it's not all a bed of roses

I'm an only child. As a child it didn't bother me in the slightest, I have lots of cousins and had lots of neighbours with children my age so I was never short of company.

However I totally relate to artichokes post, my parents have struggled to give me the space I need as an adult, can't let go. They are hugely overbearing and I so wish I had a sibling to share the burden.

I have had other ishoos in my relationship with my parents too but tbh I don't think that would have been any different whether I was an only or an eldest child.

My dh is an only child. He had a very happy childhood, as an adult though when his Dad died I know he found it very hard having no-one to share the responsibility of sorting out finances etc with his mum.

BTW he is the most well rounded, friendly, honest and caring person I know and doesn't have any of the so called 'only child traits'. I know one or two people who have siblings who do though

Oh and you are obviously a very thoughtful, caring parent, I'm sure your ds is and will continue to be a very happy child.

I am an only. I had a nice childhood but it was veeery quiet and sometimes the focus on me and everything I was doing was rather magnified and difficult.

Yes it was a bit lonely sometimes if I'm honest. I only know that now looking back and from the perspective of having a bigger family myself.

As an adult, I do feel quite a strong sense of duty to my parents which although they don't perpetuate is def there for me. Ie yesterday - Fathers Day, I have my own family now, but then I think of my parents and I feel I ought to be doing stuff with them too and feel guilty if I don't.

I do wonder how things will pan out when they are older and poss one or other is on their own. That's the thing about being an only - there are no siblings which understand the dynamic of your family. It can be a bit stifling.

I decided if I ever had children to definately try for more than one. I have 3 and their childhood just seems more carefree, more fun than mine was. They can make mistakes and be loud and bounce off each other. All that would have been would have been rather frowned on in my home growing up. It was a bit serious.

Mind you in my day I don't think there was much in the way of parents worrying about how you may or may not be affected by being an only child.

It wasn't until I came to mn that I realised people worried about it and was amazed. My parents didn't seem one bit concerned, but maybe looking back they should have been a bit more aware. I do sometimes feel a bit of an outsider in big loud groups; not ever so good at 'joining in' iykwim.

I'm back already!

I have just asked DS (who is currently playing football with his Dad - which is unusual) what would make him happier. He said for us to play with him more. On further probing, today, he wants that more than a sibling.

Ok, he is only (nearly) five!

I am the youngest in my family or 2 steps, and three half brothers/sisters by 12 years. I only keep in contact with one brother. We share the same mother, who sadly died when I was four. My dad (his step-dad - his own dad is not in his life) adopted him. My dad meant well but he was, at times, violent and inconsistent in the extreme. When I look back and think of a life without my brother in it, it really does seem unbearable.

I have just been in tears over this thread! I am starting to feel really quite guilty not at least trying to give my son a sibling.

My DH has a horrible relationship with his sister but a very normal (two parents, still married and happy) upbringing. He would take a lot of pursuading to have another and I really don't think he would get the guilt thing.

OP you ask "is it so bad to be an only child?"

Why would you ask that question?

Why not ask a different question, eg "is it so bad to be the older sister of a brother who is 3.2 years younger than me?"

To me the second question is no less ridiculous than the first question. I find it hugely irritating how negative and judgemental many people are about one child families.

then again, maybe that's your answer - the main downside for the parents is likely to be the judgemental and or patronising attitudes of other people

no, i was a miserable only child.

i used to ask for siblings from santa every year, used to fantasise that other peoples brothers and sisters were mine, was incredibly lonely and actually became manically depressed at a very young age.

but 90% of the problem with me being an only child was my mother... who was/is a toxic mother if ever there was one.

she veered between obsessive over protectiveness (i was never allowed to close the door to a room i was in, never allowed to a friends house overnight, wasn't allowed to wash my own hair until i was teenager, etc) and outright neglect (was allowed to wander off for hours on end from an early age... as young as 3 years old, she had no idea where i was nor did she seem to care)

my friend has an only and she babies him so badly i think it may do damage in years to come, and my aunt has an only and he is an odd child too.

I really think it's all about the parents not the lack of siblings.

Hear, hear Podrick. Exactly, Squeaver.

Honestly, there are no guarantees with anything.

Siblings don't always get on, relationships aren't always easy - echoing Starbear, life can throw up all sorts of things.

My parents got the balance pretty much right. They were maybe a bit stricter than they might have been, but then they were older parents. They were very supportive and encouraging, and tried very hard not to either micro-manage me or suffocate me.

Actually, coming at this from a different angle - I have 2 children, and find the whole sibling thing really odd as it's so alien to me!

There is no right or wrong.

Which is hugely helpful, I know!

I'm an only and although I have come to terms with it now, I couldn't for a long time. I attributed it to my being withdrawn, 'odd' socially and hating confrontation. When my parents die I will have no-one on my side of the family. But then I am a glass half-empty kind of person, always looking at others' lives and thinking the grass is greener.
If your only reasons for not doing it are pregnancy/early childhood days then I would say think ahead awhile. They are only children for a short time but siblings are siblings for life - whether they chose to get on or not.

I hope you don't mind me contributing - I am not an only , and I have 2 sons.

Reading this is so interesting. Basically, there are just so many variables, that I think it's impossible to make generalisations. Much of what onlies have written about their personalities would apply to me, and I have a brother.

I toyed with the idea of having one DC, mainly because of the pregnancy/labour/small baby experience I had with DS1. I definitely don't regret my decision to have two DCs, but there have been times when I think DS1 would have been happier as an only! He has definitely been pushed out of his comfort zone by having a boisterous sibling. On the other hand, I think I might have been the sort to put too much spotlight on one.

At the end of the day though, I liken it to my friends having 3 DCs- there is no way that I could be persuaded to have a third DC, just as some of you could not be persuaded to have 2.

There is no "right" - only what is right for you and your family

Very nice post abdab

I am an only and have 3 dc's, as I always fantasised about a big noisy family. However, as I see the reality of the bigger family, I now realise there are up AND down-sides to being an only.

My parents never intended me to be an only, but my mum lost 4 babies after me (2 mc's, 2 stillbirths) so I lived a fair bit of my childhood waiting for a sibling, who sadly never materialised. Thankfully, my parents were very pragmatic and down-to-earth people- I was never treated as an only child, really.

I had a really close relationship with my parents, but was encouraged to go off and make friends my own age, especially on family holidays. We lived in a housing estate with loads of kids, and I had lots of cousins, so I wasn't really lonely. I do, however, remember crying when friends went home after sleepovers.

I'm very sociable- far more so than my DH, who has a big sister whom he hardly ever sees and isn't close to. As a child (very young!), I used to go up to other kids and say "Hello, my name is joolyjoolyjoo, and I will be your friend!" (Ok, bit of a freak, but I learned to take rejection as well as making a good few friends! I find it reasonably easy now to get chatting to strangers- in fact, DH is always moaning that I chat to everyone! On the other hand, I also learned to love my own company, to nurture my imagination and entertain myself. I don't NEED company, and am quite happy to amuse myself still, which has allowed me to be very independant.

The big down-side was when my mum got ill (she was ill for 20 years or so) and subsequently died. I did wish then that I had siblings to help with the hospital dashes and for emotional support. Dad and I are still very close- I actually moved next door to him after he had a mild stroke a few years ago. He sees the kids every day, is great mates with my DH and is very much part of our family, yet does his own thing most of the time.

The other thing I have been noticing recently is that I am limited in the things I can do with my kids due to the fact there are 3 of them, and they are varying ages. I feel I am always saying to my 5yo "We'll need to wait until ds is asleep to do that" and holidays are curtailed due to the practicalities of taking a wild 19mth old! When I was dd's age I had been to America/ Canada/ Africa/ France. I always thought I would have loved a sibling, but sometimes mine really don't seem to appreciate each other very much, to say the least!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is swings and roundabouts, imo. I don't feel hard-done by as an only, but I did fantasise about a bigger family.

I was an only 'til 9 when mum remarried, then I had a step brother and sister very close in age. I had a great childhood 'til 9. After that everything was upside-down and difficult, but I loved having siblings.

To sum up, it wasn't having siblings or not that affected my happiness, or not. I liked both states, actually. It was other factors that made life pleasant or difficult.