If your parents divorced when you were a child, and you consider yourself a happy and well-balanced adult, what do you think your parents did/didn't do to help in the circumstances?

[larlieandchola]

Exactly that.

I am separated from DS's dad, and want to do the absolute best by DS in the circumstances. I suspect that 'the best' conflicts with my not-infrequent instinct to throttle his dad cry/rant/bad-mouth his dad - which, other than the odd cry, I don't do in front of DS.

I have a feeling I need to co-operate with generous access arrangements, be jolly and friendly and talk positively about DS's dad, and simply smile when he says, "I love Daddy just a little bit more than you, Mummy," and, "I had such a lovely time with Daddy's new girlfriend, Mummy."

Please tell me if I'm on track here. If your parents split up when you were fairly young, especially if you now know that infidelity or similarly hurtful behaviour was involved, what about the situation/the way your parents handled it helped you grow up to be fairly content and well-balanced? How is your relationship with both parents now (if they're around)?

I am finding this painful and would love to hear some 'success' stories to keep me focused. Thank you.

Thank you all.

vonsudenfed - valuable advice about allowing DS to express his feelings. He does get very angry sometimes, although not obviously about family circumstances. I allow him to express this up to the point of lashing out at me/stuff - that's not on. But maybe he needs the space to let rip a bit more?

weegiemum - really sorry to hear how much your parents' separation affected you. I hope you get your next course of psychotherapy soon, and that it's helpful to you. Did your parents do/not do anything specifically, which contributed to how you feel? Again, I hope you find peace with yourself and the situation soon.

I think I'm going to write up the kernels of wisdom in this thread, and stick them inside a kitchen cupboard or something, for a quick revision session before DS's dad arrives to pick him up/drop him off.

Thank you all for talking about this. I couldn't have picked up this kind of advice in real life.

watching this for tips!

Hi,

my parents separated when I was about 7 and, while they clearly did their best to make it easy on us (which I appreciate now), they definitely handled some bits badly.

Good things -

1. all decisions seemed to be made jointly and they always backed each other up over discipline, behavior, treats etc. We didn't get away with playing one off against the other and neither tried to 'buy' us off with treats or gifts.
2. they constantly told us how much they both loved us
3. they didn't discuss their problems in front of us, just said that they still loved each other but not the way mums and dads love each other and they couldn't live together any more
4. they never used each other as a threat e.g. if you're naughty you won't be able to see dad tomorrow etc which some of my friends parents did.
5. we knew we could see my dad whenever we needed to. He lived nearby and we could visit whenever we wanted and he was invited to all parties, matches, sports days etc.

Bad things -

1. This won't apply to you but the worst thing I remember is coming home from weekend at GPs with my mum. Dad was at home and they started arguing and she told him to leave. They then had a huge argument about who's fault it was they were splitting up and who should tell us about it. We were in the next room so clearly heard it all - it was a crappy way to find out my dad was leaving.
2. They really did bad-mouth each other on occasion. I suppose it's hard not to but it was so difficult to listen to.
3. Mum said on several occasions that she and dad were arguing over how to deal with my bad behavior. I was acting out in a big way but this led to me feeling that it was my fault they couldn't get on although she meant that she was at the end of her tether and didn't know how to help me any more.

This sounds a bit negative but honestly I know they did their best and it wasn't as hard on us as it could have been. We always knew they both loved us and my dad was around so it wasn't scary.

I feel really sorry for my mum in particular as I was always a daddy's girl so blamed her for everything and was very angry she had made my dad leave. Plus mum had to do most of the disciplining so she ended up in the bad guy role a lot. She put up with so much and its no wonder she slipped up sometimes and couldn't help ranting about him. I totally respect her for never trying to stop me seeing my dad or have a great relationship with him.

HTH

I thank God my parents divorced when I was younger - mum left dad due to I think his alcohol problems and violence - also they were just far too young and completely incompatable.

My step dad is my dad - he raised me and was there for all the important and not so important stuff (and still is) In fact about a year ago we looked into if he could adopt me now (as a 37 yr old!) so that he could officially be my DC Grandfather (it truned out he can't!)

Mum and (s) Dad never bad mouthed my natural dad - he on the other hand wasnt quite so good though it would be little comments more than bad mouthing. I relaised whne I got to about 13 that my natural father was an arsehole and I think that was actually better for my mum as I came to the conclusion all by myself without any input from her after idolising him for years.

Good luck and do what you need to do to protect your self and your DC.

Great OP - what a great way to get child centric advice. I was 21 when my parents split - but I'm the oldest of 4 so my little sister was only 8. By and large my parents did really well, I think - I don't feel like the divorce has affected any of us in the long term.

Things that helped:

• as everyone has said, preserving a veneer of friendliness. In retrospect, this must have been very utterly hideous, they did a good job. I was aware (although obviously I was older) that they were both upset and angry on occassions - I think they did a good job of making it clear that these were emotions they expected to pass.
• try and pass this onto your parents too - my dad's mum found it very hard to be pleasant to mum at first.
• sharing big occasions. My dad for example, has always come over on Christmas day/birthdays etc, and since the dcs have been around will always come over for the day when they're at my mums. At first, they didn't talk much on these sorts of occasions, but now (15 years on...), it's so natural. I forget they aren't married - not in a bad way, just in that it makes so little difference to how our family operates.
• I would also say that you shouldn't beat yourself up if you slip up occasionally. Both of parents have on occasions bad-mouthed the other, at some level. It hasn't made a long term difference, as the positives have outwighed
• my little sister started sucking her thumb when my dad left. Both my parents found this really hard (they are a teacher and an educational lecturer, so took the whole regression thing seriously!). She probably took it harder than the rest of us - and went through a very anti-relationships stage which I suspect had it's roots in my parent divorce. BUT is now the single loveliest, most self aware person I know. And is currently in a fabululous relationship. My point here is that even where there is temporary damage, there is a lot of life left for you and him to heal it

My parents divorced when I was 7 and my brother 4 and we both consider ourselves balanced and happy grown ups.

I think the best thing you can do for your DS is to be a strong loving Mother. My parents hated each other, especially my Mum towards my Dad (he had an affair and went off with one of her friends). Even MANY years later she doesn't have a good word to say about him. However, me and my brother are both un-affected by this. TBH my proper Dad is pretty crappy though is friendly enough. He doesn't bad mouth my Mum only to say there are two sides to the story IYSWIM.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I think its fine for your DS to see your ex husband is not your best friend, but that its OK for him to love him. I don't think you have to be happy smiley about him all the time. However don't ever deny him access.
Also just keep on being a great Mum like it sounds you are anyway.

Thanks for yet more helpful posts. These are really good.

gegs73 - great to hear you and your brother are so sorted. Your brother was about my son's age when the split occurred. I noticed you - and many other posters - have said 'don't deny him [the non-resident parent] access'. I'm just wondering what this means exactly. DS spends one night a week, every other weekend and one other get-together a week with his dad, as a rule, and I cooperate fully with these arrangements. Quite often, DS's dad wants to pop in after work to see DS for a bit before bed, and I feel less comfortable about this. We have an arrangement, which DS understands. I have (and need) my own place and space, and some boundaries, and it throws things off if he wants to pop in impromptu to see DS. Am I 'denying access' to say no on these occasions?

I'm relieved that I don't need to come across all happy and smiley with DS's dad, and that I'm 'allowed' a few slip-ups. I'm quite sensitive and find it particularly upsetting when DS dishes out the 'I hate yous', and lines like the one in my OP: "I love Daddy just a little bit more than you, Mummy." His dad has been so volatile and unreliable in recent years, and I have been the rock, and DS speaking to me like this feels like a kick in the teeth. So - I'm ashamed to admit it - I have occasionally said things like, well, you could live with Dad instead of me then. For a child who is already noticeably a bit insecure about his family circumstances (and our split was preceded by a few unsettling years), I really shouldn't say these things. Just sometimes, I don't seem to have the strength to behave like the grown-up I need to be; I revert to just-want-to-be-loved child too. Not good.

I will readily hold my hand up and say I'm not without blame in the break-up of the relationship. But DS's dad has outdone my contribution on a massive scale, and - again, maybe I'm being childish or perhaps it's understandable - I sometimes feel that he doesn't deserve so much blind love from DS.

Oh dear. Feeling grumpy this afternoon so will bite my tongue now. Sorry not to acknowledge everyone's posts individually, but I have read them all and - despite my current mood! - they are helping. Thank you.

Hi, hope my post helped a little. When I said don't deny him access I mean let him go out when things are arranged. Sometimes it would be arranged for us to go out with my Dad, he would come to pick us up there would be a huge argument with my Mum then we wouldn't be going.

It sounds like your DS sees lots of his Dad which is good. I don't think you are being unreasonable to not encourage your ex 'popping round'. It seems like he sees him lots of other times and you need your space.

larlieandchola - don't worry about him lashing out at you, it's a sign that he feels secure. I know that's small comfort, but it is true.

One thing that I learned in counselling was that I was super-afraid to do anything wrong for my father, because, having lost one parent, I was terrified that if I did anything bad, I would lose the other. And I think this is quite common in the children of divorced parents (it's my fault that daddy or mummy went, and if I am bad again, I will be left all alone). So take his bad behaviour, and the fact that he feels able to be nasty to you, as a good thing (even if through gritted teeth!)

Thanks so much, gegs73 and vonsudenfed. Feeling a bit better - reassured - now. I do tell DS a lot that even if I sometimes don't like the things he does/says, I will always love him and he can't change that. I think he tries though ("I dont want to be loved!" ), but it doesn't work.

If you can managae it, don't let yourself be jealous when DS tells you he loves daddy a little bit more. Kids are so fickle, you'll be the favourite on another day, and as other posts have said, when DS is older and can re-examine what is going on now with a more adult understanding of the world, he will realise who was his rock and who was unreliable.

Do anything that you can to avoid comments like 'you could live with Dad instead of me then' - the occasional slip up is going to happen, in your circumstances I would have had a breakdown by now so I am absolutely not chastising you, but your original question was what you can do to avoid your DS being screwed up. You are doing an amazing job - you are clearly a very self aware and thoughtful person determined to do the best for your child despite your heartbreak.

If you can cut out or limit the improptu pre-bedtime visits then your nerves will be less frayed and you'll be better able to be magnanimous!

Good luck, you and your DS deserve it.