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Parenting

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Original poster

Naughty Step - how do you introduce it?

54 replies

missorinoco · 08/06/2009 14:38

DS is two, and I like the idea of the naughty step as a parenting technique. I understand the concept behind it, and how to keep him on it, but am wondering how those of you how use it started off?

If I just say "right that's it, you're going on the naughty step" I don't think he'll know what I'm talking about.

Ideas?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

flyingdolphin · 09/06/2009 12:37

Well we live in a flat and don't have steps to sit on.

Seriously, I don't think it's rubbish, and lots of people say it works for them. I guess in general I am just not into all the discipline/reward techniques, time out/star charts and all that, it is so far removed from the way I was brought up. I love watching supernanny, but I think there are other ways that work too, and I prefer those ways.

I think highlander pretty much says it for me for little kids. After the age of 4, I tend to think that kids who respond to time out/naughty step will also respond to reason and explanations in the long run, kids who don't will not respond to either.
My DS would probably respond to both, my DD is only 'naughty' when she is totally overexcited/upset, or has completely lost the plot, and then nothing will get through to her except getting her to calm down, and then she feels bad enough herself about what she did without me having to point it out. I would rather keep her with me while she is quietening down or let her do something like draw.

Don't know if that makes any sense. Also, I am not convinced that my children are that well behaved that I should be giving my opinion to anybody...

flyingdolphin · 09/06/2009 12:50

Gateau, you have a point, I promise I am off now to sit in the naughty corner and think about my behaviour.

EyeballshasBackBoobs · 09/06/2009 12:54

My brother sort of used it and still does with my niece who is now 6.5. He will call her to him, tell her what she was doing was unacceptable and then send her somewhere (step, corner, boring chair) to think about her actions. Then he calls her back in, gives her a short lecture, she apologies to whoever and then they have a hug. Seems to work and she can be a right madam.

Think it's right though, that if the child is the sort to respond to the naughty step then they'll respond to talking as well.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

HSMM · 09/06/2009 12:58

Have a 'thinking step' if you must, where they think about their behaviour. Have never used one and never needed one ....

greenelephant · 09/06/2009 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullygully · 09/06/2009 14:14

It all depends on your concept of "naughty," and what you expect from your child and the relationship you have with them. Get those bits right and you don't need the naughty step/cupboard/whatever.

lou031205 · 09/06/2009 14:16

For those of you that find the step 'works', did you battle to keep your child on it at first?

DD1 is 22 months, and it took over 20 minutes to achieve 1 minute on the step this morning (she had pinched her sister, and deliberately).

A friend of mine once battled for 4 hours to achieve 2 minutes on the step.

hullygully · 09/06/2009 14:19

SO WHAT IS THE POINT?????????? What the hell do you think they learnt???

flamingobingo · 09/06/2009 15:41

I don't think they're being naughty, that's just it. I think they're being children who need guidance about what's ok and what's not in the world, and why.

A 2yo is perfectly able to understand you putting him on your knee and saying firmly 'it is not ok to hit, you've hurt Jenny. You need to say sorry when you've calmed down'.

You need to work out why they're doing whatever they're doing (usually because they're not getting enough time from their parents) and deal with that, not punish the symptom (ie. whatever they're doing wrong).

lou your friend sounds bonkers - I wonder what she achieved by that. I wonder if her DC had any idea by the end of it why on earth he was being made to sit on the step.

Children only need time out when their parents are so angry with them they're in danger, IME. I have suggested to my children, when their rage is out of their control and they're frightened by it, that they go and scream and shout in their room, but never forced them to or done it as a punishment.

lou031205 · 09/06/2009 16:20

hullygully - why are you shouting at me??? I am simply a mother trying to work out how to effectively discipline her children. I asked a genuine question to those who claimed it worked, wondering if they had struggled to enforce it. My thinking was that perhaps some children 'take' to it readily, hence 'it worked'.

My 22 DD likes to pinch & bite. It is as simple as that. She comforts herself by gently pinching her own skin, and pinching her caregiver's skin when she is tired. That is fine.

BUT she deliberately pinches and bites her two sisters. There is no malice, she doesn't intend to hurt, but it does.

What do I do? She regularly pinches & bites her older sister (who has SN), and her younger sister, who is 8 weeks old.

No amount of firm "no"'s are changing her behaviour.

CherryChoc · 09/06/2009 16:35

There is a great gentle discipline thread on here somewhere if people are interested in non-punishment based discipline techniques. I'm still trying to get my head around the concept but finding it fascinating reading.

piscesmoon · 09/06/2009 16:43

'So I'm unclear as to why those who aren't in favour of it have bothered to reply.'

I replied because if she hasn't started it yet it is at a good point to see if she really thinks she needs to do it in the first place.
They could be very confused as to why 'mummy thinks it is naughty'-half the time it could be avoided if explained. I would prefer that they didn't pull the cat's tail because it will hurt the cat, rather than because it will make mummy cross.

CMOTdibbler · 09/06/2009 16:43

We do use going to sit on the stairs when DS is a bit overwrought and needs to calm down. However, its a bit of time out cuddled quietly on my or DHs lap after being asked to think about what happened, rather than being forced to sit somewhere on his own. He very rarely needs it, and its really only when there is a lot going on in the house

Friends have bought a naughty spot thing which is not nice. They shout at their DD to sit on it, which seems rather counterproductive to me

lou031205 · 09/06/2009 16:53

'I would prefer that they didn't pull the cat's tail....'

I don't want to read too much into your words, but to me there is no 'prefer' about it.

I can't allow DD2 to bite and pinch her baby sister until she works out that she doesn't like it.

lou031205 · 09/06/2009 16:55

On that note, what is your response if your child said, in effect:

well, I still want to pull the cat's tail because it is fun'?

What is the non-punishment strategy to that? (Genuine question, not antagonistic jibing, in case it doesn't come across in text)

piscesmoon · 09/06/2009 17:10

Obviously I don't let them pull the cat's tail!
If they are only 2 yrs I tell them the cat won't like it and move them. If they do it again I get down to their level and tell them calmly but firmly that it hurts the cat and they are not to do it. I tell them that they will not be allowed to go anywhere near the cat until they treat it properly.
They do not bite or pinch a baby sister-end of story! I make sure that they know that such behaviour is unacceptable. They don't need to sit on a step to get this message-unless they have got away with murder in the past and you are having to set new limits.

CherryChoc · 09/06/2009 17:14

Then I suppose you tell the child they are not allowed to touch/go near animals at all until they can control their urge to hurt it, give them something else to do which is fun but doesn't hurt the cat. It's not a punishment - they might not like it very much, but that's irrelevant. It's a necessary consequence in order to protect the cat. (And protect the child, e.g. in case they suddenly decide it might be fun to pull the tail of a strange dog)

CherryChoc · 09/06/2009 17:19

Can I suggest we redirect this discussion? It's just it's going off-topic and we have a thread on gentle discipline, what to do in X situation, genuine questions on gentle discipline etc here. I do think this discussion is useful but it's not really answering the OP's question

lou031205 · 09/06/2009 17:34

"They don't need to sit on a step to get this message-unless they have got away with murder in the past and you are having to set new limits."

I am finding that a little antagonistic, tbh. DD2 hasn't got away with murder, but this is clearly her weakness. She is a delight in every other way.

piscesmoon · 09/06/2009 17:59

It is answering her question-it is saying 'why have a naughty step?'
When my DS1 was about 9 or 10 months old he was determined to have all my books out of the book case. There is no way I was allowing it, I love my books! He was far too young to have a naughty step-a baby can't understand the concept and he couldn't see anything wrong with getting the books out. I just stopped him everytime and in the end he got the message. By the time he was 2 I didn't have to labour it-I told him the reason for not pulling the cat's tail and he didn't do it.

I don't know what camp I fall into. People with 'naughty steps' tell me not to reply because I don't agree with it and I have been told by those with unconditional parenting methods not to reply as I don't agree with a lot of it! I must fall into some sort of middle ground.

I do think OP should really consider whether she needs it in the first place.

greenelephant · 09/06/2009 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lou031205 · 09/06/2009 18:50

The other thing is that parents with very bendable children will naturally think that their 'genrle, positive' techniques were the cause of their children's compliance, when in fact they had compliant children.

A bit like labradors and westies - both dogs, but labs are born people pleasers, and westies are stubborn.

piscesmoon · 09/06/2009 19:05

I would agree with that lou-a lot of people put things down to their parenting skills when it is actually due to the character of the DCs.

flamingobingo · 09/06/2009 21:04

Actually I don't agree entirely with that statement. My two oldest children are as different as chalk and cheese (ie. the ones who are old enough to not be toddlers etc.!) but are both lovely, pleasant children who like to muck about but know how to do it appropriately, and if they do muck about inappropriately, learn not to very quickly from loving guidance from us. One learns it quicker than the other, and one needs far more cuddles than the other, but they both learn it!

My children nearly always misbehave more when they're not getting enough time with me or with DH, so we deal with that at the same time as the reiterating that something's not a nice thing to do IYSWIM

hullygully · 09/06/2009 22:20

greenelephant, I find your post quite, quite mad.

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