Is time alone with DC a vital part of being a Grandparent?

[Tinkerisdead]

I wasnt sure where to post this and I wanted to get a general idea on feelings around this.

Bit of background. My DD is 6 months old and has only just stopped BF, for the last 6 months she has fed every 2 hours, had colic for 4 months and still will not settle at night. Subsequently I have never left her yet, Not even for an evening meal with DH etc. I wasnt anxious about leaving her, more that she has been so unpredictable at nights and quite difficult we havent really felt it fair to inflict her on anybody yet!

This weekend was her Christening and I made sure everyone else held her all day etc. But MIL started saying how time alone with her is precious and how she cherished taking her into a room alone etc etc. She has her other grandaughter thurs, friday and saturday overnight every week, she is 2 and has been doing this since she was 5 days old. She then asked to take my DD on holiday for a week now she is no longer BF and my DH refused.

Now my mum, she remarked that she cant understand the craving to be alone with her, she claimed that she loved seeing her child, with their child and enjoyed the time together as a family. Its early days in DDs life but to date we have mostly done visits as a family unit, although Dh will often walk round to MIL alone with DD in her buggy. But she is right, she has never been alone with her.

Im happy for her to have her for a few hours here and there like normal babysitting but she is talking overnight stays, weekend visits and week long holidays. She lives two streets away so can visit anytime she wants to.

What do you do? how much "alone" time do your DC's get with their grandparents, this is PFB and because I guess I took a lead from my own mum, I now wonder whether i'm being mean to MIL but I would still be anxious for the length of stays she is talking about for a 6m baby.

You probably need to talk to her about that, Doc. Could you say very calmly 'It really upsets me when you won't give me DD when I ask for her'? Or would that cause more grief. Definitely a good idea to leave her with someone you trust completely the first time. Maybe you could leave DD with MIL at your house the first time. It would probably be easier for DD too, to be in a familiar place.

Can you speak to your dh and explain how you feel.

And perhaps leave dd on a saturday with your Mil and go to lunch/coffee with your dh.

Your MIL is cracked. She needs to realize that its your baby, not hers. I agree with the other posters that its different with your own mother, mine also enjoys spending time with me and my ds s together but I have had similar issues with my MIL. She says things like "you're not indispensable you know". She also came on holiday with us when ds1 was 4 months old - a disaster, she wanted to push the pushchair, hold him all the time etc as we had agreed she would look after him for a few hours each day whilst we skiied. Eventually I had to ask if she would go back to her own hotel room so I could could express milk in private - she was quite comfortable sat on our bed for hours .

However, we nipped it in the bud since and there is vague talk of overnight stays in the future (ds1 is 7) but for a 6 month old baby for a week? - it would be traumatic for the baby IMO

I wouldn't allow it..

dd is 4 and ds is 2 and neither have stayed overnight or for days/weeks.

Both sets of gp's see the dk's weekly/2 weekly and at ours or theirs. We have left them to babysit if we have had appointments/shopping or gone out for a meal etc BUT never stayed at their home.

I also atm have no intention of them having longer stays/over night stays..and a holiday no way.! or ven day trips out..

Im a sahm and dd never left my side till she started preschool 6 months ago so maybe thats why I don't feel the need for her to have longer visits with gp's iykiwm.

"She says things like "you're not indispensable you know"."

Why are these grandmothers saying such things and trying to make other mothers feel horrible?

Tsom, I'm amazed. I'm sorry but if something happened to you (god forbid), your DCs would be far more devastated than if something happened to their grandmother.

Not that it's a competition because there simply is no competition. It's not a nice way to live.

A bit different because the two grandmothers have dd (17 months) one day a week each when I work but we have left dd in the evening once, for exactly 90 minutes while we had a very speedy meal. Have never felt the need tbh but she'd be fine if we did.

But, no way would I leave her for a week, never mind let them take her off, for a week at 6 months??. Is she mad??

Grandparent-ness makes some people very odd I think.

dunno why BUT it seems the norm for lots of people these day to let gp's have the dk's...

As a kid I never stayed at my gp's without my parents so I don't feel my lo's are missing out on not stopping over at the gp's...

Dh did stay the odd time at his gp's but nothing as much as what gp's seem to expect these days iykwim..

Out of all of our friends with dk's we are the only one's who don't have the dk's stop over at night/wkd's etc..

Trouble is,because so many gp's do have the gk's it makes those that don't want more if you get me..?!

My two girls have never stayed out (4 and 9 months) and have never had to - FIL was asking for my oldest to stay from 3 weeks and like your DD both of them have been breastfed for six months, so it would have been out of the question anyway! However, he was used to SIL's daughter staying in their house from very early on but she was bottlefed.

What is it with PIL and having children stayng over? DD1 is a homebird too and wouldn't be happy away from me. I just don't see the need unles they absolutely have to!

btw, thatnks for starting this thread thedoctorswife..

I thought dh & I were abnormal and tbh its caused me huge concern since dd arrived 4 yrs ago as I felt so much pressure and never want to buckle iykwim....always felt that dh & I were the only parents in the whole world who didn't wants the gp's to have the dk's for days/nights YET this thread has made me seen thats not the case..

We are all united .

I just wanted to add that I found it really hard to extract DD from MIL, even if she was crying for a feed. As I grew in confidence as a mum (which too me a long time!) it changed and I just take her back when she needs me. If you walk over purposefully and clasp your daughter what is she going to do? Might be an interesting experiment.

Good luck with your MIL. I hope she doesn't let you down when you let her mind your DD.

At 6 months old I wouldn't have - the child won't remember and I would have hated it - so it wasn't a win-win-win.

Now ds is 6 I am happy to have my mum and dad come here and have him all to themselves for a whole week.

I haven't read the whole thread (lazy emoticon) but your MIL sounds a teensy bit controlling. You'd better knock this on the head asap!

But I do agree with the statement that time alone with GPs is precious.

Just not when you're not ready for it!

Went to a wedding today and DD had to be almost sobbing for me before I could extract her back off MIL to give her a cuddle. She is bloody 2.9 and can talk perfectly well. I do sometimes want to ask 'What part of "I want Mummy" don't you understand?'

I did stay at both grandparents houses overnight, and for a lot more than one night when mum was in hospital for a month. Looking back I think we were sent so that my parents could argue unfettered by children - but at the time I just enjoyed having real bread and homemade jam and a really high bed. I really enjoyed that time and it's that time that I remembered when my grandad died, and when I think of my grandma (still alive but on the other side of the world). Time with Grandparents with mum and dad there was rubbish - all the adults just talked to each other and you had to just play nicely.

If you can remember it, I'm guessing you were a lot older than 6 months!

This sends a shiver down my spine!

Now have 4 children and relationship with mil went downhill when ds1 was born 11 years ago. She wanted to do everything for him. She even had herself vaccinated against polio as her gp told her there was a possible risk she could get it if she changed ds's nappy!! I found this very weird.

She started crying when ds1 was 4 months old when she went for a walk with dh and ds and said she wanted to be more involved, so when they got back she said to me "E says I can give him his lunch, not you" She wanted him to go and stay with her. My mum looked after him one day a week whilst I was at work - mil phoned one wek and said I'm going to be down this week I'll look after him not your mum. I felt like all control was taken away from me. When he was 1 she told dh it had been the worst year of her life.

She is barking mad and things got worse until when dd2 was 5 weeks old she told us she wasn't going to speak to us or see us for 6 months as it was always too upsetting.

Do what you feel comfortable with. Do not let her bully or emotionally blackmail (my mil was an expert at this!)into anything you don't want to do. My mum said exactly what your mum said - she never understood why mil wanted them to herself. Well I do now - she wants them alone so she can be in control. For my mil it's all about control. She realised after 8 years that she could no longer control her son and when we left her alone for 6 months it was clear - I think she thought that her son would come running, but he didn't, so she cut off her nose to spite her face.

I think your dd is still quite young to be spending that much time away from you imo. Maybe a couple of hours at this point would be appropriate and then you could 'build up' to her spending longer as you both feel ready. My ds is 2.8 and spends one afternoon a week with MIL. She is going to have him soon overnight but not every week. My dd is 10 mths and has never spent any time alone with gp's. Only her dad if I have gone out. Mind you she is very clingy and still bf so I wouldn't think it fair on anyone! There will be plenty of time for that when your dd gets older and by then you may be thankful for it if your MIL is willing, you could go out with dh or something.

thirypence, theres no chance off dd and ds having the view that "when the gp's visit they just have to play nice as the adults chat" as both sets of gp's come to just see the lo's.

Esp with the il's theres little contact outside of the dk's. Phone calls are only to ask how the dk's are and not dh. Saddens me a bit as although they have concern etc about the dk's they never seem interested in dh & I....

In fact many a time they come to ours and vitually have little to say to us.

no way would I leave DD with either set of grandparents for a week especially when she was only 6 months old.

I don't see a problem with overnight stays, if you are comfortable with how MIL/FIL would care for her.

My dd has never stayed over with her paternal grandparents as I do not agree with some of their parenting methods, but if I did, then I would allow it. My own parents have dd overnight about once a fornight and she has a stronger bond with them, so I guess their is an element of truth there. But my mum has dd whilst I work which also plays a factor.

Ultimately you are the parents and it is up to you to decide.