Is time alone with DC a vital part of being a Grandparent?

[Tinkerisdead]

I wasnt sure where to post this and I wanted to get a general idea on feelings around this.

Bit of background. My DD is 6 months old and has only just stopped BF, for the last 6 months she has fed every 2 hours, had colic for 4 months and still will not settle at night. Subsequently I have never left her yet, Not even for an evening meal with DH etc. I wasnt anxious about leaving her, more that she has been so unpredictable at nights and quite difficult we havent really felt it fair to inflict her on anybody yet!

This weekend was her Christening and I made sure everyone else held her all day etc. But MIL started saying how time alone with her is precious and how she cherished taking her into a room alone etc etc. She has her other grandaughter thurs, friday and saturday overnight every week, she is 2 and has been doing this since she was 5 days old. She then asked to take my DD on holiday for a week now she is no longer BF and my DH refused.

Now my mum, she remarked that she cant understand the craving to be alone with her, she claimed that she loved seeing her child, with their child and enjoyed the time together as a family. Its early days in DDs life but to date we have mostly done visits as a family unit, although Dh will often walk round to MIL alone with DD in her buggy. But she is right, she has never been alone with her.

Im happy for her to have her for a few hours here and there like normal babysitting but she is talking overnight stays, weekend visits and week long holidays. She lives two streets away so can visit anytime she wants to.

What do you do? how much "alone" time do your DC's get with their grandparents, this is PFB and because I guess I took a lead from my own mum, I now wonder whether i'm being mean to MIL but I would still be anxious for the length of stays she is talking about for a 6m baby.

Time spent alone with a child is very different to time spent with a child with the childs parents there - it's nice to feel you are looking after them, not just looking at them, they come to you for things and talk to you more etc, no harm starting this when they are babies IMO. You form a much nicer/better relationship with them (whether grandchildren/niceces/nephews/friends children/nursery friends). So I can see where your MIL is coming from HOWEVER I think it's a little odd that she ONLY wants time alone with your DD and not to spend time with her when you are there.

It's not about you needing help nor needing to be without your DD, it's about allowing DD to form a relationship with other people, but if you aren't comfortable doing that yet, then that's up to you

Haven't read whole thread but your MIL sounds mad. Of course it isn't essential. TBH I would be a bit worried about this - it is a bit strange. Is she a bit peculiar in any other way?

It doesn't have to be overnight, though, does it? I'd imagine a couple of hours in the park with dogs and grass and flowers to look at would be a much better start.

yes absolutely, I def want them to have a close relationship and that makes sense about wanting to look after them rather than at them. I'll suggest a trip to the park or something to her. At least then Im building faith in her too after the wine incident.

She sounds like a bit of a nutter to me. How can she expect to build up trust and have a strong relationship with her granddaughter when she doesn't even come to see her? There is NO WAY my 6 month old would be going to stay for a week!! overnight with someone who didn't even pop around to see her on a regular basis. The baby wouldn't even know who she was if she hadn't seen her for 5 weeks. It's not about the grandparents' needs, it's about the baby's. Time alone together is not a right, it's something you would do when you knew your DD felt comfortable and happy enough in her grandmother's company that she wouldn't mind you not being there.

I can see she has a completely different relationship with her other DGC, but that is nothing to do with you.

I agree with Laugs she sounds like a nutter to me too... if she's just broody why don't you suggest she has another child herself ;)

elliemama if the detailed accounts she insists on giving me about her vaginal dryness are anything to go by i think its not an option

I think we have the same MIL! Mine has tried to take my fed-on-demand bf babies away for a few hours when they were just weeks old. God knows what she'd haven given them if they wowed!

I don't understand the alone time thing. My MIL is always nagging for it too. She likes to whisper to them and it does worry me because she says such weird things when I am actually in earshot, I wonder what she says in private. Last time she visited, I couldn't get then 8 week ds off her for a cuddle

You're allowed to 'pine' and be a clingy mum. Mum and baby are a unit in the beginning. It's natural! Glad your mum is sensible and accepts you as a package. My granny is the same - she likes to spend time with me and the kids doing stuff and has never pestered for this weird alone time.

I think it is lovely for both sides to have time on their own, it is completely different from time with you there-HOWEVER this has to evolve naturally after time with all of you together. I don't think you want to do it with a baby if you are not happy. Ideally the DC should be old enough to understand. My DSs stayed on their own from about 18-20 months. I remember DS2 was desperate to stay BY HIMSELF without his brothers. They didn't go on holiday with grandparents until they were about 9 yrs. It should evolve naturally from the relationship. When everyone is ready, I think it is a great thing and you and DH can have time on your own.

Is your sil your mil daughter.

I had this with my mil, because my SIL (DH sister) leaves her dc with mil for 4 nights out of 7 and has done since her first dc was 6 wks old. SIL & BIL also go away for a weekend (friday to monday) without the children every 6 weeks as they need a break from their children.

Lucky for me both DH & FIL stepped in and explained to her that she was 'nanny' and not 'mummy' and that we would do things our way. FIL also explained that i had my own mum and that MIL would never be my first point of contact if i had a probelm.

As it goes dd1 has only stayed about 3 times overnight with them and she 5.5yrs, dd2 hasnever stayed anywhere as she won't sleep anywhere but her cot. Although mum lives 2min around the corner so if we do go away overnight then mum stays at ours.

My MIL is still annoyed about the fact that I wouldn't let DS spend the night/weekend at her house without us when he was a baby. Even though she lives 180 miles away.

This coming from a woman who complains about getting up before 8am so what she'd've done with a baby who would wake 4+ times every night, god only knows.

TheDoctorsWife, your MIL definitely is a wannabe-mum-again and can't understand why she hasn't been given free reign with your DD when she has with her other GCs.

You sound like you're reasonable and measured. She doesn't - she sounds desperate and if people don't give in to emotion like that, they are often made to look and feel cruel. Don't you feel like that.

Follow your instincts. If you don't want your DD to spend the night away from you, then don't.

My MIL has always looked after her other grandchildren while their parents worked/socialised. We live a few hours drive away so she only really sees us as a family unit. It used to really upset me that when we visited she really wanted to see the ds' on their own, with me out of the picture ( although she wasnt that direct!) but now I realise that, to her, that is how to be a grandparent. So now when we visit, I always make sure dh and i go out somewhere for at least a few hours so she gets this chance. It took me a while, but I think I understand her now!!

agree that a week is far too long tho'!!!

Hi, I can relate to what you say because my baby was the same with the 2 hourly feeding, not sleeping and prolonged bout of colic.
Mine did not sleep over at mils till he was gone 4 years old.
I did encourage time alone with ds and in fact when i returned to work, mil looked after ds for 3 hours once a week alone. he was about 10 months then.
Dh used to visit here and there to their house but never for any lenghth of time.

Nowadays, ds is nearly 6 and they are not interested in him, dont see him from one month to the next. What a turn around eh!

If you left your DD with her for a couple of hours she'll proberly back off abit from the overnight stays I think. Shes just desperate for some alone time.

My MIL used to nag ask DH all the time if she could look after my DS on her own. Now if I need to do something or go out etc she always looks after him for a few hours here and there during the week. But she started with just taking him for a walk while I caught up on sleep - it was a natural progession. I used to love visiting my GPs when I was little and had a great relationship with them and want the same for my DS.

HOWEVER sometimes I do feel abit protective of him if shes changing his nappy or something, I almost feel as if shes 'taking over' which of course shes not, shes just trying to make the most of the time hes there. But I dont feel that way when my mother does it, why is that?

Grandparents that want to be involved with their grandchildren are grandparents worth having, I think. My dcs get a huge amount out of their relationship with both sets of grandparents - we live a couple of hours' drive from both my parents and my ILs but they both have the dcs overnight from time to time, say once every three months, and everyone has a great time. My mother is keen to take them away on holiday when they are a bit older - they do a lot of walking in Wales and she wants to share that with the dcs.

But I would never have agreed to a week away at the age of 6 months. Too long and too young, I think. So I don't think you're being PFB-ish. And it isn't something to do until you're ready - I think we first left dd overnight when she was 7 months.

Why don't you wait until you feel like a night off, and then ask your MIL to have her at home as a starting point. Then you can see how you feel. There may come a point when you're delighted happy for them to go off for a week together, but IMO that's best reserved for a time when your dd will enjoy it as much as your MIL.

Just to add my two penneth.

DD started going to my mum and MIL 3 half days a week when 14 mo when I went back to work.

That seemed plenty. She has still not had a night away (not for want of asking on my part!!).

I am now pg again and i think DD will miss the time with granny/grandma as it was a nice change for her.

A week at 6mo is the most insane thing I have heard in a long time!

Taking her to the park for an hour or so here and there and gradually building it up seems more the ticket. Are the children your MIL looks after a lot older? Has she forgotten just how young 6mo is?

You will be grateful of having someone so keen to take her off your hands when she gets older, trust me, so try and keep on the right side

DD is now 22 mo BTW.

I have this too, it drives me insane. MIL and FIL think I do not trust them and am trying to stop them spending time with dd. I just don't want her to be away from me. They take her to the park or to the shop etc when we see them, but I don't want to have a day without her. I love spending time with her when I can (I work, she goes to nursery) and the time I have with her is v presious to me.
They keep on about wanting her to go on holiday with them or spend a week at their house. I would miss her too much. If that makes me a sad git I don't care, I just love spending time with her.

My PILs are desperate to have DD overnight but DH has had to be a bit brutal and just say 'sorry, but we don't think she would enjoy it yet' etc. They are constantly telling us about their friends with grandchildren who stay over all the time (all younger than our daughter). I used to find it very hard to take. Now, I just say 'Oh, that must be nice' and smile and nod and ignore.

And I don't think that makes you sad at all, catrin. I think it makes you a lovely mother, because you enjoy being with your DD and positively want to be with her. Being really wanted by your primary carer when you are so small can only make you more secure in the long run, surely?

Hi,

I think DCs spending a few days with grandparents can go really well for everyone involved. My DB and SIL live about a 2 hour drive from our mum but she has travelled up several times to visit for the weekend and babysit so they can have a night out. They have also twice stayed at mums for a few days and gone out one evening leaving DN with my mum so they know she is happy with mum and in a strange house. When DN was 8 months they had a long weekend away (3.5 days) and left DN with my parents. SIL had been very stressed - a close family member died soon after DNs birth and she didn't want to cry/breakdown in front of DN so bottled it all up - and she probably needed the time away from DN to let herself deal with it IYKWIM.

DN was happy and my mum loved having her but DB and SIL missed DN badly and it won't be a regular thing. The point is THEY decided they needed the break and my mum was happy to help. She would probably moan if she couldn't have DN to herself for a couple of hours (and the same goes for my little bean when she is born) but she would NEVER make them feel as though they should hand her over for a few days. Thats crazy! It's totally your decision and just depends what you are happy with. If she doesn't respect your boundaries (e.g.the wine) and guilt trips you why would you be rushing to leave DD with her. Yes it's great to let let DD and MIL build a relationship but you are her mummy so it has to be on your terms.

Right, Ive had some great advice on here and I know its not quite what was suggested - YET - yesterday I asked my friend to have her for 2 hours whilst I caught up on house work. Thought, to leave her for the first time I'll do it with someone I trust implicitly first so the anxiety isnt masking the issue.

Will def ask MIL is she can watch her for a hour etc first. i think Im just petrified that she wont give her back, I dont mean ever, but when I ask her. even when Im in front of her she will NEVER EVER hand me my baby back and will give her to DH if he presses it. I think im worried that she'll not return her when I ask, or deliberatly go out and get held up if I came to collect her as I know just how desperate she is to "keep her" and if she does that, my trust will be gone completely not to mention the heart attack I may have at not getting her back. now i know that is PFB this time, but Im also 100% certain that she would overrun on purpose.