feel terrible that i wish dd could move out at 16

[silvercloud]

feel very sad that dd is so rude and nasty at home.she never apologises and tbh I feel as if i've had enough.She talks about moving out so she can do everything she wants and I usually feel hurt but now,as her attitude is even worse I wonder if it would be the best thing as I've had enough of it all.
If she doesn't get her own way she swears at me and is really horrible,blaming everything on me and horrendously rude to me in front of friends.
I remember being 15 and I do feel she's choosing to behave like this simply because she can,to make life difficult for us and just for the hell of it really.
I've got no intention of asking her to leave atm but just almost need to get it out how fed up with it all I am and how powerless to change and how these days noone ever says its horrendous behaviour on her part,it must be the parents fault.
She wants to be as difficult as possible while having the moral high ground by virtue of her age and its very soul destroying.
I am really disappointed by the way she conducts herself and behaves towards us.
I'm a fairly quiet person and was a well behaved teenager ,never swear etc and just hate having to listen to f**ing and blinding directed at us.
Please flame me if you will,tell me you've been there or give me hope and strength as I feel a gulf between us now that I keep trying to fill with outings etc but if this carries on I think our relationship will never really be the same again ~ I'll always love her and be her mum but our actual relationship is nearly ruined.
Does anyone have experience of teens moving out ~I don't think it would be wise as I want to keep her on the straight and narrow but just putting it down is helping with the frustration of it all.

obviously this is a serious post, and i'mnot sure i should add my light hearted comment. but, sometimes, its good to hear a lighter take on things.
i have told ds, aged 12, that i cant wait for him to move out, as i can then have 'my' room back. lol, he grins at me tupidly, and tells me he will never give it up.

lol thats ok its too hot to cry anyway

is she depressed at all? just read about the school noticing some changes when she was really down. Depression can com eout as anger and irritability - which of course will be much worse when mixed with teenage hormones...the stress of witnessing turmoil in your own relnship won't help (don't mean to lay you on a guilt trip - but it won't ime) have you spoken to her about that at all? you said it is like a battle for control at yours, that you are a bit control freaky too (those weren't your words, sorry, I speak as a fellow control-o-holic so no offense meant) have you talked to her about that - been frank about the fact that you both seem to want to control things. Maybe she is more like you than you think (ok, with some swearing thrwn in!)

I thought your statement about being very loyal and not being sure you would ever forgive her was a bit odd - am sure you'll look back at this time later and laugh (well, not quite) - have you or her dad ever said this to her? is she picking up on this some other way? do you think she feels in such a corner there is no way back?

i wish you strength in dealing with this. I had awful tussles with my mum. then I grew out of them by 20 and she died a year or so later. Grimsville.

Don't give up on her. You will get it back. Don't let her think it will never be ok again. Be compassionate, to yourself, to her, to the other family members. Look after yourself and take some time out too. Sounds like you have a lot of stress going on.

Good luck

yes thanks peanut she has been down and tearful last winter ,now she is easily worked up and angry which is the flipside really isn't it.
She is under med care and has a school counsellor but it might be worth me getting a more specific trauma counsellor for her or indeed family mediation.I don't think she qualifies for camhs in this area.

Have you read Get Out of my Life, but first take me and Alex into town?

My DD is still only 11 but I have just read this book, sort of pre-empting what might be on the horizon.

This is from one of the reviews for it:

"I couldn't remember why I acted inconsiderately and irrationally as a teenager, so I didn't understand why my teenager was acting like this! I spent sleepless nights feeling really hurt and angry because of her words and actions before I read this book. It has put my mind to rest on a lot of teenage behavioural issues. You might not be able to change your teenager's behaviour after reading this book, but at least you'll be able to deal with it in your head and you won't feel so frustrated anymore. Well worth a read I think, even if you haven't got children it helps you realize why the teenagers of today are they way they are."

HTH

I'd talk to your gp if you have a good one and try to get her in under camhs/alternative if you can. even mediated relationship /family therapy for you guys.

yes, the severe anger and irritability is classic depression territory

poor girl. poor you. good luck.

The son of an aquaintance is currently in foster care because of similar problems. Entirely due to the fact that his dad went off with OW, and OW doesn't like kids, so he doesn't see his dad. He spiralled out of control and SS had to help. I feel desperately sorry for the mum, she did her best, but things just got out of hand.

That said, it is probably the best thing, and hopefully, will work out in the end.

sorry only saw half of your post.
By loyal I mean I couldnever behave to anyone the way she is to me because of the past and what they meant to me ~ my parents,siblings,pils etc.
So I feel she is staring me cold in the eye and saying point blank I don't love you I hate you as well as calling me names and hitting me.
If she were asking for help I would help her in any way,but she isn't,she's telling me to f**off,hook,line and sinker.
So there is a tiny part of me that feels I won't get over this behaviour, it will affect how I feel about her compared to before.Yes I will still love her but I may not like her very much or want to see her as much as an adult.

I haven't done anything wrong toher,peanut,and when I was 15/16 I felt exactly as I do now,so I feel sheis doing this knowingly and there is a part of me that might not forgive her completely.

When I was 16 my dad had cancer and I cared for him throughout his convalescence I would never have wanted to hurt his feelings.

Yes I take on board we are similar,stubborn and both want to be in the right and I will forgive her really,I'm just gutted.

OK I just read my post and want to make clear I do forgive her,I know she's been through a lot with her health and friends and she is still a child,certainly emotionally immature atm.Shes my daughter and i'll never let her down.

I just needed to get that thought out today with the frustration of it all,its not what I really feel.

I was quite a mature child so shouldn't judge her.
Her dad can be damning and tactless sometimes but I haven't said anything to her.

I don't really know how to act around her atm,calm and quiet works best.

Thankyou for all the thoughtful posts

The book looks good,Rose,I do get hurt when they behave like this at this age,I know I shouldn't.

Now I've vented on here I'd like to have a talk with her.
Any suggestions how to keep this civil[on her part] and indeed what should I say without it turning into a lecture/telling off session.

well would you beleive it she's been a real sweetie tonight!

believe

thats nice! typical!

thing i think you have to remember is that she feels secure enough to behave like a complete arsehole.

think about those kids whose parents don't give a shit - they are practically waving a metaphorical flag through their actions which says "LOOK A ME _ NOTICE ME"

you might want to play another strategy - distant, unresponsive - when she gets like this.

you might want to call her bluff and say - that if she thinks that care is great - perhaps, you should call a social worker! - see how she reacts - just dont spit it out in an argument. quite gently say " i see where you are coming from, i have been thinkoing that perhaps as you want to not live with us, we should look at a care home"

i bet she shits herself.

also when she spits out hat your not a good mother - feel free to tell her she isn't a modle daughter

stop being a sponge to soak up all the shit that comes out of her mouth

make her look inward too.

good thinking custardo!

I am really pleased,she is really calm and revising ~ she wishes she'd done a bit more I think.
She was top in the year in quite a few subjects until this year and her head of year said he thought she was set for Head Girl too as she set such an example to others!
Hopefully,she's still in there somewhere and it will right itself in time,thats the main thing.
Thanks all again,will reread the posts tomorrow as there have been some great suggestions and support

so why do you think she was so calm last night? (that must have been a welcome break for you ) wonder if its worth trying to see if there is some sort of pattern...did something go better than usual at school for her today? wer things calmer between you and DH? soemthing else?

I didn't mean any harm with my comment about you saying you might never be able to forgive her, I honestly think in 5 years time it'll be water under the bridge and you'll have a great relationship, but I just wondered whether she had been given the impression (probably wholly unintentionally, maybe in the heat of an argument, whatever) that she was a lost cause because if so it might be difficut for her to see a way back (they can take things very literally at that age I seem to recall )

anyway, sounds like you are feeling a bit better about it all now. Custardos advice is good. Stick with it and good luck.

peanut ,Iknow that you didn't mean any harm.

Personal attacks I find difficult and I can be a bit black and white thinking sometimes and stubborn ~we are indeed very similar hence the clash for control etc.It was worth thinking it through and realising although I am disappointed etc,she is the same underneath and I would never reject her however bad things were.But thanks for picking up on that as it was really important for me to address that and get it out.

I do not argue with her at present at all as she does get shouty with all family members and if you push her she gets angry.She is in the middle of her GCSEs [4 exams today] and is tired.I also don't argue with dh,that was lastsummer.He can be tactless but I have told him to not say anything to her at all atm re work etc as she is so touchy.Its frustrating that with a little revision she is an A* student and these are her actual GCSEs so it seems a waste,but she has to learn the hard way maybe.

Was anything different yesterday?Maybe she knew she was out of order in the morning and that was as near to an apology as she could muster.Some days she feels poorly[most days]and it affects her general coping .The only other difference is her boyf was a bit off with her yesterday and she wanted a bit of support with that although she wasn't too upset which makes me think it may fizzle out.
Most of this behaviour dates from her starting to go out with this boyf and I hope it has nothing to do with cannabis ~ something I am bearing in mind very much.

Sorry am def waffling now but thanks for posting again

Riven, I have seen some of your posts in the past and my heart really goes out to you.At this age they think they are totally in the right and are easily swayed,and its awful that her friends dad didn't include you and collaborate with you as her parent.

Its the most heartbreaking thing and the powerlessness is crushing.Also its like a grieving process for a child when they leave like that ~ it must have been terrible.

I expect you have tried this but have you written a letter to her recently and do you still phone and text her?

Hope you get some response from her soonx

glad you understood and it was somewhat helpful

I have to say drugs did go through my mind too, in fact now you say it makes me think very clearly of my nephew who is now 21 and getting over it but who went through a very angry, very depressed period towards the end of his school life (unfortunate timing again) and only now can we see the old DN. It turned out he was smoking a lot of weed which he has now given up. My brother says the difference in him is amazing. I was never (geographically) close enough to see him at his worst but the reports were bad. How can you check this out, have you raised it with her at all?

Riven, my heart goes out to you too. I guess there is always hope. She is still VERY young. My brother (the one with DN above) fell out with my dad around that age, left home, wasn't seen etc etc etc and now those two are the best of buddies. So don't give up. Never give up.

Sorry your having problems Silvercloud but your daughter is so like mine its unbelievable. We're two years ahead of you and although its been difficult she is now taking her A levels and planning to go to University in the autumn. Yes she has been very very horrible and rude to me (because we are very close and very similiar and I think it was her way of trying to separate from me) and yes there have been many times when I have wanted to put her out on the doorstep and slam the door in her face but I have always tried to hold onto the fact that I am the adult and whatever she thinks she doesn't know everything. My daughter is also very easily academic but she hates anyone putting any sort of pressure on her. School had high expectations of how she would do and I think she has not worked to reduce any pressure on herself.

My advice would be to really look after yourself - the battles with my daughter made me feel like a rubbish person. Find friends to talk to, unburden on here and be nice to yourself. Goodness knows what my daughter would have got up to if she'd moved out, she did try to move in with a terrible exboyfriend but we refused even though the peace and quiet would be nice. We are not completely out of the woods yet but I feel we have returned to a more "normal" level of teenage anger and rudeness.

Thankyou so much for that webwiz and well done for seeing her through that trying time!

Separating is hard and my DD has been fiercely independent from an early age.

This has felt like a rejection of course but it is really just her trying to have her own life and be with peers.

Unfortunately it has coincided with a life trauma of being ill and it has complicated the growing up process because her self esteem has been damaged by it I think.And I have been cast into bad guy for trying to hold her back/keep her safe.

She loves telling me what to do I don'tknow if your DD is the same lol!

webwiz,yes my dd has mentioned feeling under pressure to work ~ thats not from me,though I like them to try hard[as opposed to doing well]so maybe just from her reputation at school ~ something for me to bear in mind re results.
Also think she shouldn't move out ,she is less mature in many ways than a few years ago,her room a mess,not eating as healthily etc and hasn't seemed to care about things much lately so I don't think moving out would be a positive thing atm.