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Parenting

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Original poster

11yo DD, blogs and MSN - not sure how to handle the fact that she has overstepped the mark on several counts - WWYD?

37 replies

castille · 29/05/2009 10:09

A while ago DD1 (year 7) asked if she could set up a blog "because everyone's got one" (which isn't true, but some of her friends have). We agreed on the condition that it wasn't personal - no photos of her or personal info - and she said she'd do one about a Nintendo game she likes. So she did, all fine (though a lot of was plagarised from someone else's).

Anyway, yesterday I discovered that she has set up another one, personal this time. There's nothing much on there, but it contains photos and personal info. She must have accessed my hotmail account to activate it as hers only allows email from known contacts.

Secondly I looked at her MSN records and she has said some really horrible things to another girl in her class. I know she and DD don't get on but this smacked of bullying (girl in question seems quite shy).

So DH and I are v cross with her for abusing our trust, not using the internet according to our rules and for being so mean to this girl. DH said we should delete the blogs, block access to MSN and ban her from the internet until the school holidays, but I'm worried this will end up backfiring.

Any advice/experience? I'm tackling the issue after school...

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AitchTwoOh · 29/05/2009 10:11

how old is year7 castille?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/05/2009 10:11

yy dh is right

with rights come responsibilities

KingCanuteIAm · 29/05/2009 10:13

I agree with your DH, I would even say she should appologise to the girl in question. I would also tell the school that there is a problem with your dds behaviour towards the girl so they can keep an eye on it as it will definitly be going on in school if it is going on at home!

If she cannot use the internet responsibly and within the set rules then she cannot use the internet - well, that would be my view anyway!

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KingCanuteIAm · 29/05/2009 10:13

Aitch, 12 ish

Original poster

castille · 29/05/2009 10:16

DH said that about apologising, I agree with him entirely

Just not sure that banning it all is good - it might just mean she spends more time at friends' houses where I can't keep an eye on her activities

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EllieG · 29/05/2009 10:17

I agree with your DH. Am a social worker and have just dealt with frightening case around internet/MSN unsupervised use and a child doing exactly what your DD did, and it backfiring terribly. She is putting herself in very unsafe situation and needs to demonstrate can be trusted not to do again.

KingCanuteIAm · 29/05/2009 10:21

So don't let he spend more time at friends houses then!

She has deliberatly gone against what you have stated as the rules, decieved you, accessed your personal email in order to decieve you and bullied someone over the internet.

It is up to you but I would be pretty hard line on this one and yes, it would probably included a partial grounding, ie back straight from school and only allowed out at the weekend etc. To me something like this is huge and she would have to be made to see that. However this is your dd so you have to decide what is appropriate.

FWIW, I am a fan of hardline approach once or twice rather than repeated "soft" punishments. IYSWIM

JasperParrot · 29/05/2009 10:25

I agree with your dh. Furthermore, I would:

Ensure the computer is in a family area where it is always visible, set up her msn so you can look at her conversations, and install one of those programmes that shows you exactly what she's doing online.

At eleven/twelve she is far too young to be having her own blog, and tbh if she's using the internet to bully other children then she's clearly not responsible enough to have msn either.

Original poster

castille · 29/05/2009 10:28

bloody hell Ellie

Some of her friends seem to have far too much internet freedom

I was fuming last night, DH was too when I told him. Agree it needs coming down on hard.

She's 11 going on 16, I swear. A nightmare of anger and attitude one minute, a pussycat the next.

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cory · 29/05/2009 10:29

I'm with KingCanute. She needs to understand that what she has done is serious. Am not normally much of a one for the hardline approach, but 12yo is far too young for you to give up on disciplining on the grounds that she will do it anyway out of the house. Not if you don't let her she won't! (and yes, I have a 12yo dd)

cory · 29/05/2009 10:30

sorry, just saw she is 11
makes no difference though

Original poster

castille · 29/05/2009 10:32

The PC she uses is in living room, I manage her MSN account and keep her conversations, which is how I found out about the nastiness, but she doesn't know this - she will later. Internet access is restricted via Family Safety but will be changing her settings now.

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Original poster

castille · 29/05/2009 10:34

OK, the tough line it is

Wish me luck, DH is out tonight

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KingCanuteIAm · 29/05/2009 10:36

Good luck Castille, I am sure it will be a tough conversation for you but she does need to learn this. I hope you come out relativly unscathed

AitchTwoOh · 29/05/2009 10:36

custy once said a cool thing that i intend to remember (hopefully) that teenagers feed on drama, so don't feed them. you've caught her in the act of bullying someone, personally i'd keep the temperature low and ask her to read her posts out loud to you and dh, see how long she does that for without being mortified. then say that the blog isn't working out, is it really, and disable it. and agree a punishment on the lines of a grounding.

do i sound like the mother of a toddler and a baby?

KingCanuteIAm · 29/05/2009 10:38

Actually, no Aitch, that sounds like quite a good response, one I would not have thought of. The end result is the same but you get her to get to it on her own IYSWIM.

I quite like that

3littlefrogs · 29/05/2009 10:39

I agree with what has already been said. You need to nip this in the bud now - it gets much harder from here, up to the age of about 17, so you need to set the ground rules now.

drlove8 · 29/05/2009 10:43

oh castille, sadly kids can be little horrors, but you dealing with it imo in exactly the right way... my friends dd has a bebo, as does my dd's, and another little girl from their class at school did exactly the same thing as your dd.... she posted horrible things on another girls wall...except she went one further and managed to get in on someone elses name , so instead of being girl A, she "was" girl B, but she was caught as girl A was here with my dd on bebo infront of me at the time and she wasnt near the pc....girl A's mum was also here and went absolutly mental.Girl A has also had horrid notes put through her front door and had her pocket money stolen by a "clique of brats"... it is bullying .School has been told , but they cant do anything about it, and we still dont know who was doing the cyberbulling.

drlove8 · 29/05/2009 10:46

castille, id also check her phone , can she access msn from it?(assuming she has a mobile)

Original poster

castille · 29/05/2009 11:03

Oh yes Aitch that is her to a tee, these days. She seems to like it when we have teenage boundary screaming rowsconversations with her, it makes her feel grown up and she revels in the drama

I have been mentally working on the cool, undramatic but firm approach all morning

No phone, and she's not likely to get one in a hurry now

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spicemonster · 29/05/2009 11:13

Also when I was a teenager, my parents being disappointed in me was much more effective than being angry. I think aitch's idea is great but I'd tell her that you thought she was mature enough to be able to use the internet responsibly and how sad and disappointed to find that you were wrong.

nickschick · 29/05/2009 11:25

The thing is (and I speak from experience) is that children sit on the pc safe in their own home and environment and a/ dont realise just how vast cyberspace is and the consequences and b/ as regards this 'bullying' they feel safe in their home and say things on a pc they may not say face-face.

its sort of a 'dream world' where young teens can build up these personas and be and act like the people theyd like to be,now for confident boosters this can be a good tool it helps build up friendships without the initial shyness amongst peers.

I know of a couple of kids who werent 'fitting in' and then MSN came and they shared pics and the 'in girls' realised these other kids were pretty cool too and accepted them.

The downside is that what you type at night on the pc must then the next day be taken face - face in school.... and imo this is where problems begin.

In my expeience my eldest ds has used the pc to his advantage and has a wide circle of friends who he gets on with - anyone he doesnt want to speak to he just blocks.

Ds2 on the other hand is quite a straight talker and I would say hes very honest but kids have insulted him on the pc and then he sees them at school and asks them - what they meant? and this has resulted in fights and things and ds2 has ended up suspended,because other people havent seen what was said - the spoken word is more 'visible' yet he reacts the same as if it were spoken.

We have a rule our pc is not in the bedroom its in the kitchen and at any time I can see what they are doing even our 15 year old doesnt clear the history,and we have always said only type what you would be willing to say face-face.

Original poster

castille · 29/05/2009 13:38

nickschick - I think there's a lot of that (feeling safe behind a screen) and I really need to make her understand that typing it doesn't make it less hurtful or less "said".

spice - yes, she thinks she's much more mature than she is. This week I told her she'd let me down over another issue, and that had more of an effect on her than me ranting

I feel v sad that she could be so underhand and unkind

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drlove8 · 29/05/2009 15:00

oh Castille dont be too sad, kids all have there moments when they can be horrid/embaressing/hurtful.Most of them grow out of it with the right guidence... you know what she did, your dealing with it and teaching her how its not on...we've all been there( well us with the older kids anyway ) .My DD2 has been involved in a fight with someone at school who is bulling one of the other girls... this girl whos only 14 yrs is rumoured to be pregnant and dd2 was trying to talk her into telling her mum,when the other girl started calling her a slut and a whore... dd2 told her to shut up as the 14yr started crying.... now dd2 is in bother for punching the other one.... and ive had to try and get it into her teenage head that hitting isnt on, no-matter what.... aaargh kids eh?

GrapefruitMoon · 29/05/2009 15:11

castille, you also need to be aware that a lot of schools nowadays take a strong view on bullying over the internet/mobile phones even if it is not during school hours. Your dd could get herself in a shed load of trouble.

I think you need to ignore any delusions that they have a right to privacy at this age as most kids are very naive and irresponsible about misusing MSN, etc.

I had a nasty shock a while back involving MSN - what I suspect happened is that someone else pretended to be her on MSN and gave out her name and telephone number to a "boy". (I am absolutely sure it wasn't dd herself as she didn't have MSN at the time and hadn't been around anyone elses house...)

I have no qualms about monitoring her usage until she is a lot older....

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