Musing, why is the Mother Child love so unique?

[hereidrawtheline]

I am just wondering... been on my mind for a while. I can think of millions of reasons but it seems the sum total is more than its parts.

Now first off love is love, and with that Father Child/grandparent/sister/friend you name it love can all be strong as anything and equally can all go tits up i.e. some Mothers clearly are not raking it in the love stakes. But setting those facts aside mother/child love is something so unique and totally raw and overpowering that I think I need to understand it more.

With DS, I love him more than anything. I can easily and without hesitation say that. And my very greatest fears are him suffering in any way, or me being separated from him either by death or circumstances so I am not able to take care of him. Thinking of any of these things actually makes me cold to the core and is more horrific that any other thing I could ever imagine (not that I am trying, mind you!)

I read his face constantly, I feel like the most sensitive barometer of his life. I feel things he feels. He makes me remember what it is like to be a young child. How you can be exuberant and playfully hit your parent in the face (too hard) and be humiliated when they shout at you, when you thought you were making a funny thing happen, and it just went wrong. You know all the awful clumsy things we try. I just feel everything with him.

Now he is sick and I have this overwhelming smell surrounding him of sweetness. It is as strong as if you were in an enclosed room with 20 garlic baguettes baking, but it is this strange sweet smell I have never smelled before. It really smells nothing like his sweat. When DH got home I expected him to be knocked out by the smell, but he cant smell it! It is bizarre.

Why do we love each other so much? Why is it every time we sleep together he ends up plastered to my side in a king size bed? Why do we love each other so much. Biology cant account for all of this, parents who adopt are the same I am sure, the fondness of knowing someone from birth isnt enough either, thinking he is perfection - yes - but he drives me totally mad a lot of the time too! And while I secretly feel you may all be writhing in envy that he is not yours I do know that you arent, and you are probably thinking the same about me and your children, and that is how it should be.

I just dont get it. What flicks this switch. What makes you love your child so selflessly and unconditionally that life is coloured by their participation in it. I was reading a book about Mary Shelley, and her utter blankness and devastation when her children died, and I thought, yes, I dont blame you. I'd think of jumping into that water as well.

So... I waffle! But I really do want to know, how this mixture ends up the potent and totally unique thing it does. And I guess how it goes wrong? And you know I had terrible PND and have had times I have been so angry at DS but this love remains. It just wouldnt for anyone else. What do you think?

Aah lovely post. I'm afraid I'm not nearly so eloquent as you but I know what you mean. What is this love? It is scary.

I felt it the other day at the dentist having work done (which I hate). I've never been very good at the "imagine yourself on a lovely beach" method of relaxing and getting through such things. But this time I imagined DS wrapping his little arms round my neck and putting his lips up to be kissed. I was in heaven, could have stayed there forever.

Crikey, what an eloquent post. I don't know what it is myself. I know that I would gladly lay my life on the line for my dcs. I also know that there are plenty of mothers out there who wouldn't. It isn't something you can equate. It is either there or it isn't.

Crikey cross posted. Seems we both feel the same way.

Love is not love though is it? There are all different kinds of love.

I think the thing about mother-child love is that, apart from being unconditional, as mothers we made our children, we haven't shared that closeness with anyone else apart from our own mothers.

Gosh are there really mothers who wouldn't lie down and die for their children? I can't imagine that. It is the most incredible bond I have ever felt, nothing can compare.

I remember being pregnant with ds and watching an episode of House in which a pregnant woman with lung cancer had to choose between her own potential treatment and gestating the baby. It was clearly no choice. I said to a friend of mine at the time (who is a lung cancer specialist) "that is what you would do" and she was utterly appalled at the idea you would throw away your own life for a baby. Of course for her at the time as a non-mother the patient's survival was all. I haven't asked but I bet her priorities have changed since she had her dd.

I also dread being separated from ds, by sickness or death. I hear his little voice next door and fear how it would sound if he had to live through my exit. Morbid yes but I think a biproduct of this intense emotion.

thank you cyanrasamba and captainpeacock (only on MN can I use those names talking about mother love!) for saying the post was eloquent

obermydeadbody I agree with the making bit - I always feel like DS is just a detached part of my own body, like it is still somehow wrong that he goes off on his own direction without me. But I do feel we have a cord connecting us always. But I cant presume that an adoptive Mother doesnt feel the same way... I mean, to be honest, I dont know, do I, because I dont have an adopted child. But my default setting would be that I cant say it isnt the same for them. I hope it is, for their sakes, its something I wouldnt want to miss out on.

Evolution. If we didn't love them so much, we would probably throttle them within the first year of their lives

I can understand all that, but even though I expected to love DS it was a bit of a shock to find out just how far that goes, particularly as I don't have that (or any positive) relationship with my mother - its clear that if she feels love for me it is not that overriding love I feel for my DS. It makes me sad but happy that I have it with my DS.

oh yes I know my Mother loves me but I dont feel anywhere near the scale I love DS. And I have at times just wanted to not see him I have been so angry at him but it passes - and I only felt that intensity anyway because of the love in the first place.

I agree it comes in handy in evolution terms but then you are getting at biology arent you. And how can that create the emotion so perfectly.

Trust me, mums who became mothers through adoption love their children with the same intensity.

I am sure they do! I really didnt want to say otherwise, hope I didnt.

see the thing it, i'd jump in front of a bus for my brothers and sisters as well, and my mum (and dad when i was alive) and of course dh. ilove my children SOOOO much and i tell them all the time, but they're not the only people i feel that way about. family's family. you'd do anything for them. i suppose it depends how big you think your family is, iykwim? and agree entirely with mulanmum that this can't just be about having given birth to the child, i've felt utterly FIERCE about children i've only nannied.

Actually I think it's slightly more selfish than most people think. Your child comes from within you, therefore it's reflective of you and you focus on the positive traits in yourself which are reflected in the child.

So for example, the things you think are good about yourself show up and are noticed in your child - e.g. my children have amazingly big blue eyes - so do I.

And you've had this exclusivity. You felt him first, moving in you, no-one else could get that close, you have history together. More than that you created him. Yes your partner had a role but it was your body which did the miracle of taking some genetic material from a few cells into a whole new person.

I do believe mothers who adopt feel the same way, but they have been chosen for being as the special person who creates a whole new life but slightly later in a child's development (i.e. after birth).

I agree it is a lot about reflection. And also I want DS to love me so much, I feel quite greedy with it at times.

You also probably get to a point where you mutually realise some level of your survival depends on the other.

I love many many other people, DH, friends, family. And I think I would risk my life for many of them. But I can categorically say not the same as DS. And I would never ever hesitate choosing him over me. Whereas I would with DH.

I too agree that carrying the baby and going through the birth process is null and void in this argument.

The hormones that burst out afterwards may be part of it BUT I didn't feel like a mother when I had given birth to my first. I watched her with a curiosity and intrigue. It was only over time that I built that fierceness and fear of us being separated through cicumstances that rip us from each other. I would look at her and imagine her in the future, trying to earn an honest crust and people taking advantage of her and my heart would burn with pain.

When my second was born, I was instantly full of passion and possessiveness. It took me by surprise and it hasn't waned at all. Again, I don't think that it was to do with carrying or giving birth. I think it MAY have been because I knew what having a baby meant. The relationship I have with my first was transcribed over to my second. It is so precious, that I knew instantly what the 'prize' of having a baby was I guess.

I wonder if it is human nature to want to protect, love and care for the innocent. Perhaps something that is clearly helpless and under your sole care pulls at the very core of you to ensure its survival.

To look after a new baby on the face of it is too hard and with no reward and yet we find pleasure in the smallest thing and it is that that keeps us proudly in our role as mother.

I'm afraid that it is just biology to ensure continuation of the species. But I refuse to endulge that theory. I think people of whatever age are the most amazing creatures that can offer the unimaginable joy without even realising it.

In one word, oxytocin

But of course beyond that flood, and the physical gorgeousness of your little ones ... real mother love is making sure they are up, dressed and fed and away to school approximately on time with homework done, every single nag-ridden, eye-rolling morning. The species would doubtless survive without that but we want to do the best for them no matter how thankless the task at the time.

I fell in love with dd at the point of conception. Her dad thought she was just a ball of cells until she was born but she was always my darling lo.
When she was first born I loved her but it took a few weeks until I had fully bonded as I was struggling to get over my c-section.Wouldn't want to live without her now at all.

Lovely post op.

You could be talking about me hereidrawtheline! Was in tears reading your post...am pretty hormonal still after giving birth 2 1/2 weeks ago.

I have 2 DS, one 2 and a newborn. The love I feel for them is very ferocious and primal. I lay for 2 hours with my newborn today, just watching his face and his breathing, his fingers flexing..just drinking him in really, felt tearful at times. Later I woke my 2 year old from his nap and brought him down stairs, he was still tired and fell asleep on my lap...I didn't try to wake him, I just lay stroking his hair and face, felt that powerful love just the same as with my newborn.

I am plagued with fears like you are, worried that something bad could happen to them, I play out the scenario's in my head and end up tearful (usually the point when I try to snap myself out of it)...I think this is normal.

As to why this love is so fierce I guess it's evolutionary/instinctual. It is generally the mothers who protect their young, humans are similar to other mammals in that respect. Although of course, not all mothers are the same, the vast majority have a very strong drive to protect/nurture their babies, and I would say that in order for mothers to want to do that, they need this powerful maternal love.

Btw, I loved this bit:

"I read his face constantly, I feel like the most sensitive barometer of his life. I feel things he feels. He makes me remember what it is like to be a young child. How you can be exuberant and playfully hit your parent in the face (too hard) and be humiliated when they shout at you, when you thought you were making a funny thing happen, and it just went wrong. You know all the awful clumsy things we try. I just feel everything with him."

Really identified with it, and was v. emotive and eloquent...

I don't think that the feelings we have for our children are that universal. I think that different mothers, fathers and other key people in children's lives bond in different ways. That full on immediate intense bond is clearly totally overwhelming - perhaps that's why you are assuming that it is universal rather than personal? I have older children and don't get me wrong I think they are (mostly) fabulous and I love them dearly. But so does dh. I don't think I love them more than him. Certainly differently, but I think that is to do with our personalities, not our gender.

With mothers and babies I suspect that hormones do come into play, both immediately postpartum and then with breastfeeding, and then the intimacy that comes with being there all the time probably has a factor too. But I still think there is a personality factor. I found that early time incredibly difficult, and I know I am not alone. For me it was because I find dependancy difficult, whereas for many that is the delightful part about babyhood.

Anyway, I'd still like to say I'm glad you are enjoying it!

What a lovely post. This is the concept I have been trying to convey to DH and I dont think he quite gets it. He loves our DC's very much but not in the way I do...just the little things you know...like if there is one chocolate biscuit left DH will want it but I wouldnt think of taking it away from DS...or they argue about what to watch on tv - something he wants or peppa pig...its always peppa pig for me.

Anyway, this is what I am struggling with with possibly not having any more babies. I love them more than anything else I can imagine so on that level would have 300 more lol. DH loves them but also sees the work, the money etc and is happy with what we have. He is practial and logical. For me though it is such a new type of love that I just want more and more and more. It is overwhelming.

I wasnt particularly close to my parents, they certainly didnt show me the love (although not saying they didnt feel it) that I show and tell DD and DS all the time. I dont have any brothers or sisters, or aunts or uncles so I have never experienced love like this before really. Was a shock. I love DH very much and would obviously be devestated if something happened to him but the idea of something ever happening to DS or DD is absolutely terrifying and sicknening. It was a real shock to feel this love for each of them and actually may have been part of the PND I suffered if that makes any sense.

I too never understand the soaps etc when they have a character who is pregnant and has some awful disease. It would never ever ever be a decision for me but an obvious answer, especially now I have DC's.

Primal is a good description! I had lots of trouble bonding to mine and am not a great parent in the sense of 5 a day and ensuring teeth are thoroughly brushed twice a day. I feel bad for that, but would walk in front of a bus rather than alllow anything bad to happen to dc. I watch mine sleeping and it the feeling is totally overwhelming....

Aaah, lovely post! I have no idea how/why it happens like this - I just know that I am so, so glad to have experienced this, and also struggle with the idea of now having any more children (have 2 DSs) because it is such a wonderful feeling. Extremely painful, though - I physically ache with love for my DSs sometimes, and still get odd looks on the train occasionally when I gasp out loud because an image has just popped unbidden into my head of something bad happening to one of them. Not that I'm paranoid or anything...

Oh the sleeping...what is it about them sleeping?! DS had to have an operation when he was 20 months old and I took a few photos on my phone afterwards (not of the op obviously). They are a good reminder that things could be worse (and worse still for many people) but its the one of him asleep in his little cot that always breaks my heart.

Ah what a lovely lovely post!
As others have said you so eloquently written down my exact feelings-I too see my childs face as a barometer.
I feel the same way and sometimes when I try explain to people I can see people galze over.
But you are right it is soo powerful.
I still sit and stroke my baby boys hair, and stare at him when he is asleep, and drink in his smell, and smile when he roots for my hand when he is asleep my heart gives a leap when he tells me he loves me.
He will always be my baby and he is 3.
I have sometimes wondered if there was something 'wrong' with me to feel this 'in love' cos that is how it feels like I am in love but that the first flush will never leave.
I am going to save this thread because it really is lovely.
thankyou xx

I am so happy you were touched by my post. Thank you so much I appreciate hearing it. Although I didnt write this OP with this intention, I am trying to earn a crust writing short pieces as it is one of the few things I can do remotely well that other people remark on. But this OP was just written as it stands I wanted to find out what the devil this love business is about!

FreshlyFrozen I have struggled with maintaining happiness with DS at times too - in the bonding sense. I have felt detached from him in a very painful way. But about how you said you havent always been great in the 5 a day thing... I was thinking yesterday, of all these things we are "supposed" to do. And what your 24 hour period would look like if you did them all. Work successfully, enjoy an independent social life, feed your children balanced, freshly prepared food, read to them, play with them, expose them to life, leave them an appropriately measured bit of time to learn to be bored in. Tidy the house, be ecologically friendly, know of current affairs but not be so passionate that you become isolated from the social norm. Enjoy a fulfilling sex life, send birthday cards, reach out to a friend in need. Maintain your own mental health (it does seem a failure these days to be anything less than practically perfect in every way) Fucking hell. It is so much to do isnt it. Something has to give. You can do all these things at one time or another and several at once but in balance you have to remember 5 a day is a goal amongst many other goals.

Sorry a bit of a tangent then but I was actually thinking of this because of the AIBU M&S pasta thread. I was thinking of trying to achieve that perfection in food, added in to everything else... and I just thought well I know I dont do it but surely I do enough that is "good enough".

But back to the subject at hand! LOL Sorry.