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Parenting

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Original poster

So............I confess...........:-(

34 replies

ohdear01 · 12/05/2009 20:00

Today I bit my dd...

She is 4 and went through a stage around 6 months ago of biting (having only started preschool in sept..). We managed to get over the whole biting issues with her and I thought we had moved on..

BUT........tonight ds (2 yrs) came screaming to me and holding his back. I asked dd what had happened and she confessed all. That she had bitten him .

I checked ds and sure enough, a big red bite mark. I smacked tapped her bottom and she laughed at me.. so I took her to the naughty mat and once there I bit her arm to show her how wrong it it (not hard may I add..)..I know I know I feel soooooooooooo bad and feel like maybe she will now grow up to hate me..

Atm she seems to vary between being an angel or being such a handful and the naughty mat seems to have little effect...

I don't know why I did it, I guess seeing the mark she had left on ds saddened me.. At bath time 2 hrs later ds's mark was still very visable..(her's wasn't btw)

Have I caused her problems mentally..? Just worry that her memory of being 4 will be "when mummy bit me"

I feel so very bad atm....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

andiem · 12/05/2009 20:01

I don't think she will suffer any lasting damage but it isn't the sort of thing I would do and I don't smack either so probably not the best person to post......

nickytwotimes · 12/05/2009 20:05

Not a good idea certainly, but no, you haven't scarred her mentally.

Forgive yourself and move on. You know you will not do this again, so apologise to her, tell her you made a mistake and move on together.

It is very hard looking after wee ones. Everyone makes mistakes.

However, if you feel like doing something like that again, walk away and call a friend/come on MN.

andiem · 12/05/2009 20:07

much better advice from Nicky

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MadamAnt · 12/05/2009 20:08

Well, that is pretty bad, but everyone makes parenting mistakes. I really don't think a one off event like that will mentally scar your DD, but I think you need to find a different approach to disciplining your DD - obv no biting! But it sounds like smacking and naughty mats aren't working either.

Perhaps you could try and address the reasons why she bit DS. Is she jealous of him? Perhaps she needs some extra TLC and reassurance at the moment? I am by NO means an expert, but I do know that when my 4 yr old DD is aggressive to my 2 yr old DS it's counterproductive to get really cross with her.

I'm sure someone will be along with some wise suggetions soon.

Hassled · 12/05/2009 20:08

She will forget. It wasn't your best moment, but then you know that. Apologise, then don't refer to it again. And imagine that TV crew filming you the next time you feel like that angry.

Goober · 12/05/2009 20:09

Original poster

ohdear01 · 12/05/2009 20:10

Thanks.

Thing is I knew as soon as I had done it, it was wrong and I told her so. As soon as her time was done on the mat I went over, told her why she was there and said "mummy is wrong to bite you,like you bit your brother, mummy wa showing you its not nice". Told her I was sorry and have said it a few times since.

Just been into her, she is asleep..I still feel the guilt .

Dh works away during the week and Im getting so fecked off with it being me who is the one disiplining.. Im the one always saying no etc and just feel the bad cop compared to dh.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2009 20:11

i disagree, i don't think she will forget.

i can remember distinct occasions when I was smacked as a child.

but you certainly won't have caused her problems mentally, esp as it was just a one-off. if you were doing it regularly it'd be another matter!

Original poster

ohdear01 · 12/05/2009 20:13

Don't know why she is like this BUT with dh working away she does thend to play us off against each other when he is home.

I guess dh hates being bad dad when home and even if he does disipline they still think the sun shines out of his...........

BTW,she gets loads of attention, is loved and is always shown affection etc. I just can't stand the bickering between her and ds and tbh the 2 days when she is in preschool brings out her worst..

OP posts:

ConnieComplaint · 12/05/2009 20:14

WHy did you put her on the naughty step and bite her?

I don't think biting a child helps teach it not to bite.

It's a bit like slapping a child for slapping...

But that's just my opinion & God knows I know hardly anything...I spend most of the time wondering where I went wrong...

Original poster

ohdear01 · 12/05/2009 20:17

CC why do we do anything..?

Just happens, sometimes without thinking or a reason.

Guess, im being judged now. Guess not many people/mums do wrong as far as their lo's are concerned..?

Oh well....

OP posts:

MadamAnt · 12/05/2009 20:17

It must be VERY hard to be on your own with them during the week. I'd be in a loony bin by now!

FWIW I was feeling v despondent about my DCs (esp DD) a few months ago, and they have suddenly "clicked" together. DD seems much more civillised and DS is now that wee bit older and can play proper games with her. It's been a transformation! So even when things are looking bleak, there may be an unexpected change for the better round the corner

Have you looked into "unconditional parenting" at all (do a search on here...loads of threads). I don't manage it all of the time (in fact far from it!) but I do think it helps defuse parenting battles.

ConnieComplaint · 12/05/2009 20:19

I am definitely not judging you.

I thought I made that clear when I said, "But that's just my opinion & God knows I know hardly anything...I spend most of the time wondering where I went wrong..."

Good luck.

FabulousBakerGirl · 12/05/2009 20:19

ohdear01 - I am sure you have beaten yourself up enough and don't need anyone else to do it. We all know what we should be doing but find it nigh on impossible to stick to that 100% of the time. I am sure you will never do it again and try and come up with other ways of showing your DD it is wrong to bite.

MadamAnt · 12/05/2009 20:20

Ohdear, come on you've hardly been judged harshly! Nearly all the posters on here have admitted to being far from perfect

Original poster

ohdear01 · 12/05/2009 20:21

cc, never said that it was you who judged. Possibly other posters who commented with faces.

Thanks MA. Yes it does get hard.Harder than I think even dh realises.

OP posts:

Goober · 12/05/2009 20:22

I can put my hand on my heart and honestly say that I never did that. I have 3 kids who were all under 4 when youngest was born and I was alone with then most of the time too. I also didn't learn to drive until youngest was 5 either so walked everywhere. It was exhausting.
Never did what you have done though.

Lizzylou · 12/05/2009 20:22

Oh goodness, please don't feel bad.
We all do things we regret when we're strung out and stressed and your DD will not remember that you bit her, I bet.
I agree, it must be incredibly hard on your own all week.
I used to put vinegar on DS2's tongue when he bit, it did stop him. I know that that method was judged here but it worked for us and stopped him from an annoying and dangerous habit. He has now started with a whole host of other habits I am being punished for my relatively easy DS1 I think.
Please don't feel guilty, whats done is done now try and think of other ways to discipline your daughter.

andiem · 12/05/2009 20:24

ohdear I think the majority on mn do not use physical punishment I could be wrong but most posters are not in favour of smacking etc and there are quite a few who don't like the naughty step
what you can't do is turn around the bad feelings you have into oh everyone is judging me blah blah stuff
no none of us are perfect but I personally wouldn't bite my child as I don't believe that physical chastisement of any sort works or is a good example
you need to try and find some strategies that work for all of you especially as your dh is away a lot and the parenting is down to you in the week
have you though about taking a completely different approach and trying something like unconditional parenting it might help all of you
I am on my own a lot with the dcs and up has helped me to parent in a less confrontational way

ConnieComplaint · 12/05/2009 20:25

Goober, with all due respect, I bet a lot of us have done things you haven't done, doesn't make us any lesser people than you.

Greensneeze · 12/05/2009 20:25

I am judging, I'm afraid. I think it's quite possible she won't forget it, it's a pretty shocking thing to do to a child

I think you need to think seriously about other forms of behaviour management - naughty mat/smacking obviously not working for you or her, and smacking isn't much better than biting anyway.

Original poster

ohdear01 · 12/05/2009 20:25

Goober,we all deal with things differently. What stresses you may not stress me and vice versa. Welldone to you for being such a good mum.

Lizzy, thankyou .
I know I will never do it again, but just feel guilt and wanted some advice from mn. Sometimes the moment takes you and its hard to undo what's been done iykwim.

OP posts:

IamAlsoADreamerOfChocolate · 12/05/2009 20:28

ohdear One of the first things my mum said to me when I had ds 3 was 'prepare to feel guilty for the rest of your life' and do you know waht she was right.
Please don't beat yourself up I have [and I bet we all have] things I wish I had not done but we are learning too and ultimately we have our dc best interests at heart, my dh works away a lot too and it is damned hard being the sole parent much of the time.
Go and have a bath or a relax or hot chocolate and just think thst next time you won't do that again.
another thing that I do is look on the teenage board I saw one on ther about what you would have changed when your kids were toddlers and I found that helped[made me realise he is only little for a very short time and that i need to learn patience]
good luck and please don't dwell

househousehouse · 12/05/2009 20:29

Ohdear - I did this to my dd when she was about 3 after she did it to her baby brother. I am an old git and there were no naughty steps in those days! It's something that still makes me feel guilty and it was decades ago. I've even brought it up with her but she has zero recollection of it and she has a fab memory.

Fat lot of good it did too, both my kids are now legally adults and over easter spent half their time grappling over the remote

I know, like me, you'll never do it again and you've apologised to her so try not to let it eat you up. As madam says, maybe try think about why she did it. But you're not alone and everybody makes mistakes.

IamAlsoADreamerOfChocolate · 12/05/2009 20:30

he is age 3 btw not ver clear am tired sorry

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