Horrid mummy to my newborn - feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious (long vent sorry)

[littleduck]

This morning I shouted at my 13 day old baby girl because she wasn't settling after I put her down for a nap. I told her to shut up. I don't think she heard me because I was in the sitting room and she was in her Moses basket in our bedroom but I feel terrible about it because she actually did then shut up.

Like I also feel terrible about calling her a pain in the a**e for waking up much earlier than expected this morning wanting a feed after an unsettled night, and losing patience with her when she was faffing around latching on to be fed after she woke. I called my innocent little baby stupid because she took a bit of time to work out where my nipple was and latch on, and I am in floods of tears typing all this because I feel like the most horrid mummy in the world.

I'm worrying about so many things - when to feed her, when I put her down after feeding how long she will sleep for, whether I am making enough milk for her, whether she is getting enough, why hasn't she pooed yet this morning when I usually find poo at every nappy change, how many times will she be up tonight....... I have to go to the GP this afternoon and feel overwhelmed by that - taking her there, will we be finished before she wants to feed etc

I suppose that this is the lot of someone who has worked in an office for the last 14 years where life is much easier to predict and control and there is a routine. Even the unpredictable bits were fairly - well - predictable. Now I live in a completely uncertain world where I don't know if I am doing the right thing, what my daughter wants, and her feeding and sleeping don't follow any real pattern (although I feed at least 3 hourly and often have to wake her for a feed).

She wasn't planned (we had thought about children but hadn't looked to have them quite yet) and I was really hoping for a boy because my life has been made miserable on so many occasions over the years by girls and women. I should be grateful to have an apparently healthy little girl but today I just feel unhappy and anxious, I feel I'm not bonding with her properly and she deserves so much better. There are so many couples who want babies and can't have them, who would love my little one to pieces, and I feel like such a selfish and ungrateful cow for not appreciating what I've got and really missing my old life.

Sorry for long ramble, has anyone else ever felt like this, I feel like I'm the only one and going out of my head

Oh, you poor thing!

I felt the same with ds when he was wee.

Floods of tears every day. I felt utterly lost and helpless. My health visitor was very good and refered me to a local group for support which helped. You are doing really well though - I gave up bfing at a few weeks because of frustration at ds for not being able to latch and dreadful pain during feeding and I beat myself up about that too. I didn't have mn then.

Wee babies are so unpredictable, but it is very early days and she will settle into a routine that suits he rand suits you.

I can't stand the early stage either - I dread no.2 - but the fact that I now know it will pass, and soon, so I will be better able to endure it. And tbh, it is just existing for the first 6 weeks. But honestly, it gets better and by 6 mths, you will be besotted by your wee one. Ds is nearly 3 now and he is the centre of my world, the love of me and dh's life. We adore him and he loves us so much right back. It is hard to hang on, but you are in the majority feeling this way and you will get through.

Please tell your gp how bad you are feeling - you may be heading into PND and he/she can help with that, and LOADS of us here have had it.

I really feel for you. It is so hard, but you are far from alone. Hang in there. You are a great Mummy.

and don't worry about yelling.
Everyone does that.
You have not harmed her.

Littleduck you are not an awful Mummy . It is quite normal to be feel overwhelmed with a newborn and your hormones are still all over the place.

Not sure what to say but didn't want to leave you unanswered but please don't think you are the only woman to feel like this .

Oh dear Littleduck, try not to feel too bad. The first 6wks or so of a newborn are really hard and I personally don't know anyone who hasn't shouted shut up at some point (don't worry, baby doesn't understand and certainly wont hold it against you!)

I shouldn't worry about a 13 day old having a routine of any sort if I were you, just go with the flow with her, feed her when she seems to want it, put her down for sleep when she gets crotchety, change her in between and don't worry about when she poos (their little systems are sitll getting used to food and working out digestion).

I did want my DD but was incredibly shocked by the whole birth and first few weeks and yes, really really missed my old life. It does get better but you should tell someone how your feeling - doc, HV, MW and try and get help from friends and family. Let someone look after your little girl for an hour whilst you go out for a coffee - she'll be fine and the break will make you feel better.

Hang in there, it does get better, I promise and really, don't feel bad for feeling like this, most of us have been there.

Poor you - it is bloody hard isn't it.

Do you get on with your Health Visitor? If so, call them and ask for a visit from them, they can really help.

Oh you poor thing

Good I remember this stage so clearly with no. 1 - it's such a huge shock to the system. I remember putting him in his pram and walking for miles because at least if we were walking, he'd probably fall asleep. I'd also drive for miles (and at least when driving, I could listen to music as well). In fact, hearing certain tracks even now can plunge me right back into those feelings of complete and utter despair.

Second NTT's wise advice and take good care of yourself x

aaaaaand BREATHE...

we've all done it, we've all been there, we've all felt awful about it. hand on heart. i remember crying to dh when dd1 was ten days old that she HATED me and she was right to etc etc. you're still finding your feet, go gently on yourself. is there anyone who could come and at least keep you company in the house?

The early weeks are just gruesome. Anxiety, stress, sleep deprivation, hormones. I hated every minute of it both times. It all came flooding back when I read your post.

You will not have damaged her by yelling. Trust me on that one.

Have you got anyone nearby who can come and make you a cup of tea and put a load of washing on while you sit down and have a break? It?s honestly ok to ask ? any mother will remember how important that was. I would have gone completely crazy if it hadn?t been for a dear friend who turned up with sandwiches and made me watch tv while she chatted, tidied up, and made me coffee.

And try and get out. It?s so hard ? feels like the most daunting thing in the world, but it will do you the world of good to get some fresh air and meet some other mothers. NCT coffee mornings are a good starting point, or even a local playgroup. Obviously your dd is too small to play, but there?ll be other people there who know just how you feel, which is the most important thing.

I promise you this will pass. You are not alone ? I think most, if not all, new mothers feel like this a lot of the time. They just don?t talk about it.

Don't feel bad! It's such early days for you and for her... plus you're still recovering from labour and not quite yourself yet.

I was similar to you - worked for years and then had a little surprise baby and the first few weeks are really hard. My gorgeous girl is six weeks now and those first few weeks are such a blur. I would say we're only just getting the hang of it all now, and some days it's still very, very tough.

Talk to your doc and health visitor about it - they'll understand cos everyone feels like you do. Honest! Good luck - it does get better

Hi Littleduck.

I didn't find out I was PG until I was 22weeks gone with DS (who is now coming up to a year). So I had about 15 weeks to reconcile myself with what was happening and what I had to do.

Oh, believe me, in the early days, I felt like I knew nothing. other than I knew I loved him, I was all smiles outside, but would come home and worry about everything - was I feeding him well, was I doing this right, or that right...

Now, a year on, DS and I are a team and a half . Those tough times have steeled us and made us stronger.

my advice would be to get out of the house. Go for a coffee - even on your own with the baby.. Chat the baby... you are never on your own with a baby Don't worry about mistakes - I BF my baby in public and got it totally wrong and did a million things, at the time, I thought I'd never get over...

Don't worry about the stress, or the routine or the lack of it , don't worry about the washing or feeding. Sleep when your LO sleeps.

Take each day as it comes - each one will be different. Until one day, you will realise that you DO have a routine, and you DO know what the LO is crying for, and you DO know what to do..

Hang in there.

HM xx

Hello

I also wanted to say that I have a 14mo and another due on Friday and I felt similarly - the first 6-8 weeks were awful a lot of the time - once the initial euphoria had worn off and the sleep deprivation kicked in it was horrid. I had trouble with bf and this made baby more unsettled and me more stressed.

I also sympathise with the wishing to have a boy - I had a distant relationship with my mother and always thought a boy would be easier for me to deal with as I would be able to disassociate myself more. As it is I have a DD and another one on the way and my DD is wonderful and I would never change her for the world.

It will get better - get whatever help and support you can and try to get eve an hr to yourself for a bath or a rest or whatever you need.

You sound like me 16 months ago. And nicky is right. Everyone told me that phase wouldn't last long but to me it felt like forever and things would never get better. Looking back, it was for a short time and it seemed to get better overnight without me even noticing.

Of course, DD is a pain in the but now but for totally different reasons .

I don't know what your appointment is about but if you feel you need to, please tell the GP how you feel. I didn't, it took me about 3 months to mention it and it ruined the first 3 months of my daughter's life for me.

It will get better, I promise. Just do whatever you need to do to get through this. She won't know that you've shouted at her, promise! If DD was aware how much I shouted at her she'd have left home by now

A big hug for you first of all!
Secondly being a new parent is very stressful especially for your first dc. Needing to feel in control does not make you a bad parent it just shows you what life is like. You can take control by trying to regulate how often your dd feeds so if she is feeding roughly 3 hourly try not to let her go more than 3 and a half hours especially in the day. The first 6 weeks are really exhausting but most babies settle into their own routine quickly. No baby follows a text book so learn to trust yourself as a mother if she is hungry she will let you know, if she is tired she will sleep as long as she is gaining weight don't worry about your milk supply it must be good babies pooh when they need to and this does decrease as they get used to feeding as they start to take what they need not what they want if that makes sense. If after talking to your gp you get stressed go for a walk and enjoy the fresh air it's amazing how you meet new people in parks etc and make new friends with children who can share your worries etc please try not to worry I am sure you will be a great mum the fact you have asked for advice shows that.

Just wanted to echo what everyone else says.

I remember pushing DS back from the doctors at about the two week mark, thinking that I had come up with an ingenious solution that would be the answer to all our problems - have DS adopted !

Now clearly we didn't go down that route, and in my defense I think I was a tad sleep deprived and realised that perhaps Dh might not go for it, but what you are describing is not in the least uncommon.

Don't be too proud to ask for help and do let your HV know how you are feeling, hopefully she will be able to point you in the direction of other Mums or have sessions at the surgery for weigh ins, which are actually more just for the mothers to get some company.

Don't worry about routine just yet. If its something that is important to you then maybe think about it again once your baby is past the 6 week stage, but at the minute she is just acclimatising to being outside and it will cause you immense stress to try to and impose any sort of a routine at this stage.

Oh and keep mumsnetting

You have my sympathies! I can remember having passing thoughts of throwing my dd out of the bedroom window when she was tiny, and wouldn't settle in the evening. Obviously I NEVER would have done this really, but anything to stop the relentless noise.

I'd kind of given up on the idea of babies and dd was a happy accident. After working full time for 16 years (so a bit like you) and having no friends with small children, it was a HELL of a shock to the system.

I expected to feel all wonderful and happy, and I felt positively resentful to start with, which sounds awful. Like my life had turned upside down - I would have to be responsible for this little baby and never be able to do anything spontaneous EVER again.

Then on the other hand, I was so anxious about the terrible world and all the awful things that could happen to her/me. (Strangely I was never concerned about DH ). Plus as I'd had an emCS I had always felt slightly "remote" from her.

It does get better though honest! They grow up, they sleep more (finger crossed). They smile and start to engage with you. They DO things. You get in a routine that suits you. By the time I went back to work when dd was 6 months, I would have happily stayed home.

Hopefully within the next couple of weeks you'll feel more like getting out and about. I thought M&B groups would be a bit like pulling teeth - the LAST thing I wanted to do was talk about babies. But our local HV ran a 6 week course covering basics - pelvic floor exercises, baby 1st aid, weaning etc and that was great, and a good opportunity for a coffee and a chat. We used to go and have lunch with various work colleagues too, so I kept up with all the gossip....

It is hard, but you're not mean - just normal!

Another one who's been there!

I found things a bit easier if I just had a bit of me time. I know that sounds impossible just now, but I found if I could just find time (either when the baby was asleep, or when dh was about to take over for a bit) to make a cup of coffee and drink it in my own time while having a flick through a trashy magazine, it made life more bare-able.

Very few very young babies have any routine at all, and remember that there's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture weapon. Try and get out to groups (your HV will have details of those local to you, although I never got on with them), or invite friends round.

Finally, a lot of people a wary of treading on new mum's toes, but are thrilled to bits to be asked to help out. And if it doesn't get better have a chat to your GP/HV

Good luck, remember you're never alone with mn!

Poor poor you. I remember this stage so clearly (well, it's an exhausted horrible haze actually, but I remember that it is IYSWIM).

I recommend this thread to you: www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=parenting&threadid=287090-whats-the-worst-thign-oyu-have-shouted-at-an- uncomprehending#5747217

I came to it on the morning after I hissed GO TO SLEEP YOU LITTLE BRAT at 4-day-old DS and DH heard me and got upset. It cheered me up mightily. It might do the same for you.

Also, I found myself really disliking DS (21 months) this morning and feeling like a rotten mummy. He'd been awake since 4.30am.
I half suspect that at least some of the baby blues is just sheer bloody exhaustion. Sleep is a need, not a luxury.

Better days are coming, I promise you. You will bond, you will fall in love, you will even get a night's sleep (eventually). In the meantime, congratulate yourself on getting yourself and DD through another day in one piece... it's all you should expect of yourself at this stage

To add to last post - DS and I weren't on speaking terms at 7am, but I collected him from nursery just now, we cuddled all the way home and we're knackered, but friends again.

A good mantra, given me by another MNer when DS was tiny: It's Just a Phase.

I didn't believe her at the time, of course, but she was right...

You are NOT a bad Mum - just a Mum to a newborn and its the hardest bit of all. You are awash with hormones, knackered and panicked while the baby is tiny and fragile and all demanding.

It gets easier in stages - first at 6 weeks, then 3 months and then 6 months. The trick is to survive until each improvement. The baby gets bigger and more robust and smilier and more fun.

DON'T try to soldier on alone - get out and get some company. Go and eat cake with other Mums and new-borns. Go to b/f cafe. I walked for HOURS with the first baby just so she'd sleep and I'd get some head space. Sod the housework, sod the planning, sod worrying about timings. There are no timings at this age.

It is an enormous culture change from the world of work - and I found it as hard as you describe. Its chaos theory all the way for the next few weeks - so do whatever it takes to surf on through it.

And - stop it with the guilt thing. You are NOT the only one and there is nothing wrong with your head.

Agree with what everyone's said, but also I really would talk to Health Visitor or a good friend. We have all been there. Everything passes, but it's never wise to get too close to the edge. Ask for some help if you need it. No-one will think any the worse. By the way, there is no great Mummy. There are no shoulds and oughts - we just do our best.

As has been said above.

This is a really tough time. Going from a life one knew and had control over to looking after a wee baby that has the ability to turn your life upside down (and does!) is so overwhelming.

Routines didn't work for me either at this stage. A certain book got thrown viciously across the room when attempted.

Go easy on yourself. Don't even take it one day at a time, less than that. It will get better. You have not scarred your daughter for life.

If nothing else, M&B groups serve tea and biscuits. Always welcome.

Keep going. You can do it.

you must be a good mum to worry about the fact that you shouted at her. hang on in there. i also drive and walked for miles and the first few weeks are hell. talk to your health visitor/ mid wife. you will not be the first to cry on there shoulders and you will not be the last.good luck.

I'm sitting here typing while looking down at my 19MO DS (who's having a cuddle on my knee because he's not well). I can honestly say that I never thought it was possible to love anything so overwhelmingly - it scares me sometimes how much I adore him. However... The first 3 months of his life were unbelievably awful - easily the worst time of my life - and I didn't start bonding with him at all until about 12 weeks. I shouted at him on at least a couple of occasions, and at my lowest point I remember thinking that if he were to just not wake up in the morning, then although it would be awful there would also be a part of me that would quite relieved...

Anyway, I'm telling you this to say that it does get so much better, and pretty quickly. The way you feel now is absolutely no indication of what your relationship with DD will be like in a few months' time - however it seems now, you will adore her and she will adore you. You are NOT a bad mum - you're just going through an incredibly difficult time. All you really need to do is wait it out for a few weeks - but of course that's incredibly difficult to do, because everything seems so hard RIGHT NOW. Try to get out as much as you can, and see other people - preferably those who have small children themselves and know what you're going through. Accept all offers of help from everyone you can think of!

Please believe me - in a couple of months' time you will be looking back on this period in amazement, as a kind of out of body experience. And although life with a baby/toddler is never exactly easy, you will gradually retain that sense of control and feel like you know what you're doing most of the time. You will get there - good luck!!

Am sure it's all been said here. Becoming a mother is one of the most difficult changes to accommodate in your life, and it takes a great deal of time to get used to it, let alone start enjoying bits of it! It's especially hard if you've had a difficult birth (which first ones often are!), are sore and tired, and may be struggling with the discomfort and sheer effort involved in establishing BFing.

Everyone tells you before you have a child that it will be a "shock" and "hard work", but until you've been there, there's an element of you that thinks "I'll be fine, I've done X, Y and Z" before. Nothing can prepare you for the shock of actually having a baby to look after. You do hear of women who pop out their baby and fall immediately in love with him/her - it took me at least 3 weeks to start loving my DS (before that I was just in a fog of self pity, exhaustion and pain), and can take longer sometimes.

Don't beat yourself up about what is a pretty normal reaction to having your life turned upside down. 12 months can seem like an eternity in the first few weeks, but this time next year you'll be a confident and loving mother and these terrible first weeks and months will be a distant memory. You might even be contemplating doing it all over again...

Good luck to you.

You're not a bad mum and not alone.

We've all been there. Becoming a Mum is a steep learning curve. Try not to get bogged down in the idea of routines and play as much as you can by ear.

Also speak to someone who is a good listener if you can and have a good old cry. Those hormones need letting loose.

You will be fine and you will get through it.