Horrid mummy to my newborn - feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious (long vent sorry)

[littleduck]

This morning I shouted at my 13 day old baby girl because she wasn't settling after I put her down for a nap. I told her to shut up. I don't think she heard me because I was in the sitting room and she was in her Moses basket in our bedroom but I feel terrible about it because she actually did then shut up.

Like I also feel terrible about calling her a pain in the a**e for waking up much earlier than expected this morning wanting a feed after an unsettled night, and losing patience with her when she was faffing around latching on to be fed after she woke. I called my innocent little baby stupid because she took a bit of time to work out where my nipple was and latch on, and I am in floods of tears typing all this because I feel like the most horrid mummy in the world.

I'm worrying about so many things - when to feed her, when I put her down after feeding how long she will sleep for, whether I am making enough milk for her, whether she is getting enough, why hasn't she pooed yet this morning when I usually find poo at every nappy change, how many times will she be up tonight....... I have to go to the GP this afternoon and feel overwhelmed by that - taking her there, will we be finished before she wants to feed etc

I suppose that this is the lot of someone who has worked in an office for the last 14 years where life is much easier to predict and control and there is a routine. Even the unpredictable bits were fairly - well - predictable. Now I live in a completely uncertain world where I don't know if I am doing the right thing, what my daughter wants, and her feeding and sleeping don't follow any real pattern (although I feed at least 3 hourly and often have to wake her for a feed).

She wasn't planned (we had thought about children but hadn't looked to have them quite yet) and I was really hoping for a boy because my life has been made miserable on so many occasions over the years by girls and women. I should be grateful to have an apparently healthy little girl but today I just feel unhappy and anxious, I feel I'm not bonding with her properly and she deserves so much better. There are so many couples who want babies and can't have them, who would love my little one to pieces, and I feel like such a selfish and ungrateful cow for not appreciating what I've got and really missing my old life.

Sorry for long ramble, has anyone else ever felt like this, I feel like I'm the only one and going out of my head

I can remember lying in bed with tears pouring down my face, completely exhausted, DH was working away, and my 3 week old DS1 in his crib crying - again - what could possibly be wrong now? He's been fed (constantly....), changed, winded, sung to, cuddled, not cuddled, talked to, left to cry....I was praying that if I could just have 4 hours sleep in one go, everything would be OK.

It is incredibly hard work, even if you are getting some sleep; hormones are raging, you're trying to do everything and because you're only human, you can't possibly.....get some help (your mum, a friend - anyone who loves you), try not to be paniced because your DD isn't doing everything by the book (books....) and when your 'help' is there, let them help! Good luck - it gets easier, promise!

Poor you - its exhausting isn't it?
First - your newborn is safe in her cot and if you feel like screaming at her leave her there, shut the door and take 10 minutes to yourself with a cup of tea. She will be fine.

Second - try and get out of the house at least once a day - it does take hours to get you both dressed (keep her in pram and noone will see she's still in babygro from night before ) but some fresh air will be good for you both and you get to see other adults even if that is just at the newsagents.

Thirdly and most importantly, can you talk to your HV/DH/friends about it? As you can see from posting here, lots of people have gone through this.For what its worth, amongst my 'baby' friends and I only 1 had post natal depression. Many more of us had bad days/weeks. Some of us coped brilliantly with babies/toddlers/bigger kids, others found other stages easier.

The worst thing is to beat yourself up - I struggled to bf DS1 and felt I wasn't a 'proper' or natural mum, and shed a lot of tears. It was ok in the end and learn the most important lesson of all - to allow yourself to be a 'good enough' mum - not perfect! I have 2 happy DS's aged 8 and 11 (12 in 10 days!) and am frequently ghastly/disorganised/not perfect but also very loving/fun/.

Be kind to yourself - you wouldn't expect a new person at work to be perfect within 2 weeks would you?

Sending hugs/chocolate

Also forgot to say about bonding...felt a surge of overwhelming love for DS1 at once. But for DS2 I felt overwhelmed by speed of delivery, other factors. Although I wanted to look after him it took time to fall in love and get to know him - probably about 6 weeks or more. It has never affected our relationship - I love them both as much as each other although in different ways.

I can't really add much to the excellent advice you've had her. Just wanted to say my heart aches for you because I felt just like this with DS1. Everything seemed so hard. I would think to myself every day "I don't know what I'm doing". As you say in your OP, this is a shock to us grown women with jobs who used to know what we were doing!

Please and feel that you are the only one. You will meet women who seem fine, and some probably are, but others are just hiding it well.

I found a mother and baby group, run by a local church. They were SO lovely and welcoming. I found it hard because I was not breast feeding, and it seemed to me at the time that everyone else was, and i'd be judged. This, and the fact I'd had to have a Caesarian made me feel like a failure. I read that sentence now and think how ridiculous that was. I am a good-enough mother!

Try and replace your negative thoughts with "I'm learning to get along with my baby." You are out of your comfort zone, you will make mistakes, and your baby will love you no matter what, because you are trying.
x

Oh my word i so wish i had found mumsnet when i had my dd7. We spent a week in hospital so i could call for help whenever i wanted. so when i went home i remember sitting with my coat on in the lounge thinking..... ok what now. my dd7 was a monster but i am sure my stress didnt help. i went into shock apparently and ended up seeing an emergency psychiatrist in a&e. I look back now and think.... actually my dd was pretty normal and so was how i reacted. only y mother used to but in telling me i was doing it wronng and how none of her babies were like this. at 4 months i cried for help and after 4 nights in hospital where they tested her for allsorts the result came in....... THAT IT WAS NORMAL FOR BABIES TO CRY AND SOMETIMES I HAD TO LET HER HAVE A CRY. revolutionary idea but it worked. Hang in there littleduck!!!!!! hoovering is good if you think they are crying for no reason and need a distraction...... or i used to think 'i will just empty the bin or wash the pots etcetc before i go to her' xxxxxx

dd who is 7....golly i havent got 7 kids!!

adding to the voices to say that we have all been there at some point. You are not a bad mummy or if you are then virtually all mummies and daddies are as most people will have felt the same and said the same at some point.
The most memorable thing I said was FFS to my 3 month old when I couldn't help him to settle or stop crying - which was not a very nice mummy thing to do

Someone said to me with DS that the first 4 -6 weeks are the worst and they were right. Someone else told me to remember the mantra "this too shall pass" and they were right as well.
keep your chin up, try and find some people with babies of the same age to get some support, share horror stories etc etc

Am so glad you clarified that SCM - thought for one moment it had taken you seven children to realise that it's hard graft!!

Hope you are feeling better littleduck. Hang on in there And yes, forget the books telling you that your LO should be doing this that and the other at 1,2,3 etc. weeks. If you are worried about anything specific, MNers will tell you that there are as many different ways through these baby days as there are children and mothers - you will find your way through it. Good luck.

How are things going now littleduck?

I agree with all these posts. I felt totally overwhelmed and told dd to shut up- it isn't easy for someone to be totally dependant on me. You obviously care about her enough to worry about how to nurture her well.
DD and I have the most wonderful bond now- I adore her. I was also worried when I heard that I was expecting a girl as I had a difficult relationship with my mum and other women but I couldn't be happier with dd now and am looking foward to all the girly fun we can have together in the future. You will be ok. Do try to get to some mum and baby groups.
The first year does go fast.

Hi everyone

Just to say thank you so much for all your kind words and messages of support. It really helped to feel I wasn't alone and that there were other mums out there who knew just how I was feeling.

I am still feeling my way into motherhood each day and am getting more and more attached to my little girl. She is starting to look around her at the world and pulls the funniest faces. I just sat this afternoon for a bit and watched her sleeping in her crib. It was all I wanted to do for those few moments.

With love and thanks to all who responded to my post
xx

Littleduck - just to add that I also found this such a hard, hard time. I was 37 when I had DS, was used to being in charge at work and was completely, totally lost when it came to the tiny little bundle that cried, cried and cried, wouldn't feed properly, only slept if I was walking round with him, and cried some more.

DS was a few weeks early and I don't think I'd really had time to prepare myself before he came - two days into my maternity leave.

The other thing is that at 13 days after you've given birth your hormones are all over the place - I remember bursting into tears for no sensible reason at all - and at times like when I was out shopping.

Can I say though that after the first 2-3 months which I did find difficult, (probably when I was advised to start supplementing my BFs with a bottle and DS started to put weight and sleep) that things did start to improve and by the time I went back to work part time after 6 months I really did not want to go. Anyway - since then things have got better and better and I love him more and more (he's now 7) .

Please don't be so hard on yourself - what you are feeling is very normal and you are not a bad mummy at all.

I found the first 6-8 weeks quite bewildering and very stressful... and I had an awful lot of support from my mum too. DS was just so grumpy and I felt like such a failure not being able to comfort my own baby.

On several occassions I've hissed 'shut up' under my breath at my precious little boy and like you felt absolutely dreadful afterwards .

DS is now 12 weeks and I can promise you it does get a lot easier. Things started improving at around 8 weeks and are much much better now. As they become more alert it is easier to entertain/distract them.

He still has his off days but they are few and far between and they don't panic me now like they used to... I honestly enjoy his company more and more each day now.

It is very hard but just give it time hun x

Oh and wait for that first smile.... it honestly makes everything worthwhile.

It doesn't matter how grotty I'm feeling - he only has to give me one of his cheeky little grins and I feel on top of the world

Littleduck, you are definitely not the only Mum to have felt like this.

I found the first few weeks so incredibly difficult. it was just such a shock to my system.

I'm now pregnant with no 2 and i can't tell you how much I'm dreading the first couple of weeks.

Honestly it does get better.

Hiya All,
My baby is 8 weeks old tomorrow and I have been suffering from severe post natal depression. I feel my baby will never grow up and will bel like this forever and its really getting to me 😞

I m on meds lets hope they work! I feel bad for not enjoying him instead wishing his babyhood away 😞

I think that we as women have some kind of idea what be coming a mom is like but when reality hits us it's very painful and overwhelming. My daughter is almost 8 weeks old and now is when the tiredness and loneliness has become full. The thought that i just want my old life back and i wish i could put her aside and just lay back and just watch tv and sleep as long as i want made me feel so guilty that i cried for two days straight. I love my baby but that doesn't mean i don't get tired i just didn't think that this is what my life would be like. Not being able to see my friends having hardly any help also is very hard. My husband leaves for work at 6 in the morning and comes home at 8. It is very lonesome. Not to mention that after i put her down for bed at night i can't even be with my husband because i am so tired. Everyone around me says that it Will get better once she is a little bit older. I think that the frustration is more about losing a part of our lives that we Will never get back the part that is about living life freely and becoming a mom while is a wonderful thing you kind of lose your identity for a while in the process. I really do believe that once you kind of start getting back parts of your old life back you also well be much better.

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