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i fucking hate being a mum

35 replies

gokwancarr · 08/05/2009 14:23

there i've said it.
i have completely lost my identity and life. i am at the bottom of the list of priorities in my home. dd and husbands business come first, my job and uni course have to be slotted in whenever possible (i.e. pushed aside all the time) and husband gets v frustrated if i get upset by this.
i realise this sounds very selfish. it is selfish.
all i want to do is crawl into bed but i should be catching up on uni work as i actually have some time to myself today.
i am so tired. i went out on sat for the fourth time in nearly 2 years.
i am so fucking resentful of my daughter sometimes and i hate my self for it because obv she is completely innocent and undeserving of this. other times i love her so much i want to weep.
husband just lay there watching me crying last night. feel like no one understands me at all. it is driving a wedge btween me and hubby.
just needed to vent.

OP posts:
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reikizen · 08/05/2009 14:28

Good venting! But I do think you need to speak to someone other than strangers on the internet, seriously. Sounds like depression to me and you cannot let that fester, it won't just go away hon. Your GP or Health visitor are a good place to start. Good luck.

PacificDogwood · 08/05/2009 14:30

gok, you sound v at the end of your tether.
How old is your daughter?
I agree, there are huge chunks of Being A Mother I detest, too, and I have found a v hard adjustment to make (DS1 almost finished me off emotionally/mentally by sheer fatigue and exhaustion).
You need a break/some time-out. Is there anychance your husband/another family member/friend could look after DD for a while, even over night and you get some time to yourself? It is NOT selfish to look after your own needs to keep you going!
You sound overwhelmed, underappreciated, and undersupported. Do you think you could be depressed? How long have you felt like this?
Speak to your HV or GP and see what other help is available in your area.

shootfromthehip · 08/05/2009 14:30

You know, I think being a Mum is mis-sold. The hours are shite, the thanks are nonexistant and the sacrifices are massive. I know how you feel and it's the surprise from DH that gets on my nerves: 'What's wrong, you look knackered?', 'No I don't understand what you mean, I would love to have all day with my kids', 'What do you mean you need some help, do you not know how busy I am?'.

To be honest though, I think most of the issues that I have about being a parent are actually related to my relationship rather than my kids IYKWIM. My DH is a lovely man with a great relationship with his kids but he truly is a crap husband sometimes. He refuses to see my point rather than not being able to.

Anyway, just wanted to say that you are not alone and you should not judge yourself for felling like that. I embrace my disgust now as I know that if I was working full time, I'd feel like this about a job every now and then too.

Take the day off and work really hard tomorrow. love and such.

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endless · 08/05/2009 14:32

Good venting form me too.

the bottom of the pile is a shite place to be.
But you gotta get up, chin up,and carry on because it would all fall apart without you.

KiwiKat · 08/05/2009 14:38

Good point, shootfromthehip. My Dh is a bit like that too.

gokwancarr · 08/05/2009 14:46

i know i need some time out. but the sheer fucking stupidity of me is that even when i get some time out, like last saturday, i felt guilty cos all i could think was of all the things that needed doing....my husband has really pissed me off tbh. i dunno. maybe i'm just blaming him. think i wouldn't be happy unless he walked through the door with massive bunch of flowers and said 'go and get in bed. i will cook dinner put baby in bed and when you come down house will be tidy'. actually when i type this i realise i'm not actually asking for that much, and it's infuriating to know that it will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know he is tired too but he is his own boss and i was trying to explain to him last night that i'd rather have less money and more help at home. i'm incredibly lonely, hance venting on here. itry to talk to friends or family about how i feel and all i get is ' but dd is so lovley' - yes she is but what they don't appreciate is that this feeling i have is nothing to do with my love for her.

OP posts:
gokwancarr · 08/05/2009 14:47

sorry about abysmal typing and spellign but v upset and tired

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Idranktheeasterspirits · 08/05/2009 14:48

Your problem isn't with being a mum, it's with your husband not treating your needs as equal to his.
ie, you said that his business comes first along with your dd?
Dd coming first should be the same for both of you.
His business shouldn't be coming first unless it was the only income and you couldn't survive as a family without it.

Crying in front of him probably won't help though, make a list of all the things that you need help with, ie housework etc.
Then sit down with him and say "i am going to carry on doing x,y,z but i need you to help us as a family by doing a,b,c. That way i will be less stressed, there will be less tension and we will all be much happier as well as having more time to spend together as a family."

Idranktheeasterspirits · 08/05/2009 14:49

If he refuses to help then his only other option is to agree to you employing a cleaner.
Sometimes a cleaner can be a marriage saver.

gokwancarr · 08/05/2009 14:56

if i could find a cleaner i would employ her tomorrow!
i do think i have pnd though. been trying to ignore it but it's not working.
it's not that i don't love dd. it's that i constantly think i'm a crap mum to her. i can feed bathe etc but i'm shite at enjoying her.....when i see my mum playing with her i feel terrible, because they so obviously love each others company......the truth is that unles there is a task involved such as a mealtime or bath or bedtime, i don't enjoy mt dd's company. it actually make sme anxious to be alone in the house with her because i don't know to play with her, beyond a few tried and tested things. a lot of that is exhaustion i think.i can't even believe i'm admitting it. it's so weird. i feel abnormal.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 08/05/2009 14:56

gok, you need to get out of the house. How about walk in the park, toddler group, any other mother and child activity?
Is there anybody in RL you can moan too? And I mean that positively, I am a great believer in therapeutic moaning; it helps and allows one to then get on with it again.

I agree, motherhood seriously missold all the time. Probably harder the first time round, though . I clearly suffered some sort of adjustment disorder for quite some time.

IME, men do not/cannot/will not understand what it is like to be a Mother. I really think they cannot, TBH, they lack the hormones, the instincts and that unique mum/baby bond. Having said all that, this does not excuse him not pulling his weight. Can you ask him for very practical help as in: "Here is the shopping list, it would help if you could get this on the way home tomorrow." "I need a nap; have fun with DD."

Or: arrange day out with friend and have DH look after DD all day - I found that gave my DH a taste of what it was like spending all day with DSs and an appreciation of how knackered I was every day !! He has in the meantime admitted that he used to "escape" to work .

I still think it'd be good if you went and saw your GP...

Wonderstuff · 08/05/2009 14:59

((hugs))
Could you arrange a regular 'me time'? I get pissed off too, I get unbelievably angry with dh when he complains he's tired because he NEVER gets up to see to dd in the night it's always me.. DH and I normally have a lie-in each at the weekend and he will do the supermarket run and take dd which helps too. I have also started organising a regular night out, once a month, which is helping sanity.
But you are not alone in being miserable, I am much happier now I have a pt job, being a SAHM is really, really hard graft.

Idranktheeasterspirits · 08/05/2009 15:00

Get thee to the GP my lovely. If you are feeling that low then your gp can really help.
Things are so much easier to deal with once you have the proper help.

Wilkiepedia · 08/05/2009 15:06

Gok - how you are feeling is not unusual. I sometimes wake up and the day stretches out in front of me with DS (2.3years). Your mum will enjoy playing with DD because that is ALL she has to do, she can devote herself solely to your DDs pleasure and entertainment. You have the house, uni, DH etc to think about ON TOP of entertaining DD etc.

However, I do think you sound depressed also. I suffer with hormonal depression and take citalopram and it makes such a MASSIVE difference to my life so I DO think you need to talk to your GP.

My DH is also self employed, works about 65 hours a week with one day off so I know how wearing that is too. I am pg at the moment and have had to ask him to help more because I could feel myself slipping into that void of being so hopelessley overwhelmed with everything that I felt out of control. He is helping more now which is good but he only has so much time. I too agree that I would rather we had less money but more time together but it isn't going to happen as he has a very specialist job.

I do hope you see your GP for a chat.

xx

Wonderstuff · 08/05/2009 15:07

I agree with Pacific about getting him to look after dd. My dh was very jealous until he had to look after dd for a whole day on his own (several actually because I went back to work and he had to do child care for a week). He was exhausted and has been much more supportive since, especially as I pointed out to him he was knackered after 9 hours, I was looking after her 24/7..
Do go to your GP though, PND is treatable, you haven't failed, it's really common, sooner you seek help the sooner you could feel a bit better.
I'm also a big fan of walking, I feel so much better if I have had a decent walk, amazing how light exercise can improve your mood.

sachertorte · 08/05/2009 15:10

OP, you´re not alone in this and have been given some great advice here.. If you think you have PND do get yourself to the GP! Just getting out of the house regularly makes life easier too and especially meeting up with other people. Can you go to any mum-toddler groups?

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 08/05/2009 15:52

Gok I understand this 'maybe i'm just blaming him. think i wouldn't be happy unless he walked through the door with massive bunch of flowers and said 'go and get in bed. i will cook dinner put baby in bed and when you come down house will be tidy'. actually when i type this i realise i'm not actually asking for that much' 100%.

especially today as my dh as annoyed me for the same reason. I used to feel like that with dd1 for a while.

Ask for help. Mine lifted when I went back to work, i.e. felt I have a life. and dh started helping more.

HOWEVER... there is still that want from my side to hear sometimes from him out of the blue: yes go upstairs and rest I take over YOU DESERVE IT! etc.

LiberalIdleOlogy · 08/05/2009 16:01

I think as you've said yourself 'exhaustion' is the key.

So let me join your vent. When you think of the hours we work, the pay, the recognition and status, the repetitiveness, the isolation, the life or death responsibility, the milk, tears, shit and vomit we mop up everyday, the fact, however physically and emotionally wrung out we may be, we can never step away for fear of hurting our child who we love most, these emotions make utter sense. Don't they? How crazy we are left to break in this way, and then be diagnosed as depressed or suffering from PND. As if our brains have come unwired all by themselves. Or that month upon month of chronic sleep deprivation can have any other outcome. Or that -our- need just 'to be' should become an unaffordable luxury once we have children.

I used to dream of spending a week in a hotel suite, where I would crawl under a lovely fluffy duvet while the birds sang outside, and sun crept in through the shutters. Twice a day, my children would be bought to me for cuddles and stories, before going back to some sort of competently managed and loving home life (managed by who I do not know!).

It is quite possible that no-one understands you. It is also quite possible that everyone else thinks you are having a joyous time and excelling at this motherhood game. It is possible that your husband dismisses crying or any other obvious signs of emotional distress as the natural order of mothers (rather than the natural consequence of the unhealthy demands upon them). Have you tried being this direct and honest with your husband, your mother, your friends?

ruddynorah · 08/05/2009 16:07

does your dh know how you feel? you have honestly been out only 4 times in 2 years? what is he doing about this?

you have your mum around can she have your dd sometimes to give you a morning off or something? do you go out with dh?

PacificDogwood · 08/05/2009 16:16

Liberal, there is lots of research going on looking at the label of "PND" and tiredness/exhaustion. Sorry, do not have easy links/references and am too tired/exhausted to go looking for them .
I remember HV doing PND questionnaire 6 weeks after DS1 had been born, and the question "Have you cried in the last 6 weeks?" just made me laugh - NOT with mirth, mind you! I was beyond physical and mental exhaustion, hated the relentlessness/all the things you listed/the constant and total dependency that DS1 had on me - clearly not a maternal bone in my body... Having said that, I did not feel depressed, I kind of knew that if I had some sleep/some time to myself/some predictability to my days I'd feel better.
A neighbour who came once a weeka took DS1 away in the pram for 1-2 hrs really, really saved my life/sanity, and I will forever be grateful to her - she is his honorary gran !
Also, HV realised how strung out I was and arranged with a local nursery that they would take DS1 every now and then on a "pay as you go" basis as I had no relatives at all nearby who could help out at times. I used this time to sleep/look at a magazine/have a shower/have a dump on my own without baby on my lap.

Sorry, gok, not ignoring you, just little examples of what may help.

LiberalIdleOlogy · 08/05/2009 16:38

Pacific - If you can remember any names or intitutions that have carried out that research I'd like to try and seek it out.

The Edinburgh scale confused me to the point I refused to answer the questions.

i.e. I have been worried or anxious for no good reason.

In my state of anxious unrest, I felt in no position to assess the rationality of my fears!
The wording just seemed so odd. And as for the self-harm questions - who would tell the truth?

PacificDogwood · 08/05/2009 16:51

I found this
and this about cultural differences

Both not quite what I had in mind. Try googling PND and tiredness/fatigue on Google Scholar.

I'll get back this if I find more.

LiberalIdleOlogy · 08/05/2009 17:01

Thank you! How did I not know about Google Scholar? [dunce emoticon] .

PacificDogwood · 08/05/2009 17:07

This is the one!
Unfortunately you'd have to pay for the whole article [stingy emoticon].

FabulousBakerGirl · 08/05/2009 17:13

A lot of what you have posted, I could have done except my DH does everything with the kids and has them for me to go out alone.

All the feelings, etc are nothing to do with the love you have for your kids.