Would you allow your daughter to attend her brothers' christening dressed like a boy?

[mrsgreedy]

I haven't been on here for ages as have been extremely tired and busy with twin baby boys!!! But had some great advice last time so here goes!!

My daughter, who used to be the girliest princess I knew, has turned into the worlds biggest tomboy! I think a lot of this is to do with the arrival of her twin brothers 7 months ago. At first she was bitterly disappointed that the babies were both boys but she came round and to be honest has been really great through the past 7 months.

Anyway most of the time I don't mind the tomboyish behaviour. Why shouldn't a girl be active, trousers are often far more practical etc.

But I am having the boys christened this weekend and my daughter refuses point blank to wear a dress or even what I would class as "feminine" trousers. She is insisting that she is going to wear her Ben 10 Tshirt and jeans (both from the boys section I hasten to add).

It all erupted into a huge argument during which she said that I never make her brothers wear "stupid girls clothes" so why should she!!

What do I do?

I have a tomboy dd who refuses to wear skirts etc - she wears trousers to school instead of the regulation kilt and I have no problem with her sharing my ds 'wardrobe'.

I agree with the majority of posters - she should be smart but no need for that to mean a dress, and definitley show her the frilly christening robes her brothers will be in (if they will )

The shopping trip together sounds like an excellent idea - my dd suggests it for summer / winter clothes and at 7 she already has good clothes sense of what suits her, plus she loves the individual attention!

Wow thankyou so much for all your replies!

I personally agree with all those of you who have said that the jeans and a T shirt is too casual. I never intended forcing her to go in a dress but really do hope that she will wear something that will identify her as a girl! She has short hair now (another bug bear with my mother in law!) and it's very embarassing when people see us out and say, oooh 3 boys how nice!!

I wonder if I have been a little too liberal in allowing her to wear boys clothes. I'm ashamed to admit it but in the early days after the boys' births I was hallucinating through lack of sleep and it was just easier to give in to DD's whims!

I also wonder if deep down the whole tomboy thing is related to the boys' arrival. She used to be the biggest fairy princess and I know that my husband was thrilled to have the boys, talked about all the "boy" things they were going to do etc.

I honestly don't mind the refusal of dresses but she refuses to wear jeans with even the slighest pattern on (unless it's a boyish one), no pastel colours, you name it.

Very reassuring to hear from ex tomboys / mums of tomboys! I was beginning to worry about my daughter and feel a bit desperate at times.

I have told her that daddy will be in a suit and that I will be dressing smart, and talked about dressing for an occasion, eg daddy not wearing jeans to work but she seems pretty determined!!

Oh, mrsgreedy, it sounds like this has been really getting to you. PLEASE don't feel you have been too liberal with her, and please don't feel desperate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going through a tomboy phase - what could possibly be wrong with it? And why would you want to create conflict and upset with your daughter over something so unimportant?

I totally respect that you want your dd to be smarter for the christening - that's not unreasonable - but I think that generally you need to be on your dd's side on this. There is a whole world out there telling our little girls that they have to be hyper-feminine frilly little princesses; let your little one have these few short years of being able to be just herself.

IME the very best and nicest women were tomboys once (not me, unfortunately)

I was a tomboy (had 2 big brothers so that may be why!)...couldn't stand dresses or skirts!

I remember havin a row with my mum cos she was trying to make me wear a skirt for church at Christmas!! Fortunately for me my nan intervened..she said "You go to church for God to look at your heart not your clothes"!!

Your DD sounds great to me!! Don't let it get you down!

Will the twins be wearing Christening gowns? If so, tell her if she likes to dress like them, she will also need to wear a long frilly dress....

Oh no! Don't beat yourself up!

I have struggled at times since my second pregnancy/delivery and I have two singletons. There have been many occasions when I felt that for my own sanity I needed to pick my battles. To be honest, even if you weren't looking after twins, I don't see that wanting to wear perfectly normal clothes (that just happen to be from the different gender) is a bad thing. My Mum used to let my brother wear tea cosies on his head when they went to the supermarket. Apparently I used to be very embarrassed by him, but she didn't care. As long as we were happy and polite and kind to others she didn't see an issue.

Just think of it as not pandering to the stupid polarisation of clothes nowadays where everything for girls is pink and frilly and everything for boys is camoflage. I personally think that it's a conspiracy to get us to have to buy two wardrobes of clothes for our children and therefore spend more money in the clothes shops. In fact, she's being very credit crunchy and ensuring that you can pass down her clothes to her brothers.

It sounds like her Ben 10 tshirt IS 'a special outfit' to her. I'd let her wear it. Shes obviously finding her way in what she wants to look like and what her role in her new family is, and I think it might be important for her to feel accepted just as she is.

FWIW I never tell my children that they have to be smart to go to church. I really doubt God is fussed about what people wear! Its nice to be smart, dress up etc but only when you feel comfortable in what you are wearing. I can still remember certain outfits that I HATED as a child and it ruins the day if you don't feel right in what you are wearing.
So long as she is there does it really matter what she wears?

mrsgreedy, on this occassion make her dress smartly but in whatever clothes she likes

and please dont beat yourself up about her being a tomboy, there is nothing wrong with it! My cousin was a tomboy until about year 8, her and her brother looked like two boys. People commented, she was a bridesmaid and ripped the dress off once she left the church etc. BUT she is now the most girly girl, and says she wouldnt have changed her childhood for the world.

you can't force her into wearing certain things because they conform to gender ideals, let her be happy however she is dressed.

I love hester's post.

Please be on your DD's side. It is not about being too liberal - the tomboy I referred to earlier is girl #2 in a sequence of 3 girls followed by a boy - the other 2 girls are very 'girly' - she just is who she is (and she is my DS's absolute hero!). Take your DD shopping and find something new and smart that she likes.

You won't 'lose' your little girl if she is a tomboy for a while (even a long while) but you could start to lose her if she thinks she is not 'allowed' to be a tomboy.

you can't force her into wearing certain things because they conform to gender ideals, let her be happy however she is dressed,

very good advice

I'd let her wear what she likes.
She'll probably secretly hate all the attention that her baby brothers will get from everybody. The fact that she's not allowed to wear what she likes will make it worse. You don't want her sulking or misbehaving throughout the whole thing!

It's nothing to do with being liberal, I've always been told you need to pick your battles and tbh the fact your DD wants to wear boys clothes at age 6 doesn't really feel like a battle worth fighting especially if she is feeling a little pushed out by her baby brothers (might be worth asking your DH to rein in his boys comments).
Explain she has to be smart but trousers etc are ok.

Ignore MIL.

Have a great day.

This is your stuff, not hers. Why is it embarrassing if people think she's a boy? Real question, not a challenge.

Tbh, I wouldn't even make her wear something smart. I would explainto her all the reasons people do, that it's considered respectful, people will know she understands it's a special day, you'll feel more comfortable, etc., and then I'd still let her choose. I do understand, 2 of my kids are ridiculously (to me) set about what they want to wear (asd boy who'll only wear green and red and fairy/ little house on the prairie-stylee girl) but as she dramatically said at 4, 'Mummy this is my body and my skin and I must be the judge'. You love her and you want her to feel comfortable and respected.

And you can't make you mil back off, but you can make it clear to both of them that your priority is your relationship with your dd.

I think it's cool that she's a bit different and doesn't want to wear frilly dresses and pink all the time as most girls do (as indeed did I as a little girl). I think tomboy clothes are way more cute and quirky. I would be inclined to let her express herself- what we wear is never that important surely and as a kid is definitely shouldn't be. If she's polite and kind and happy, aren't they the important things?

I love: 'Mummy this is my body and my skin and I must be the judge', saintmaybe.

Thought came to me on my bike today- why don't you dress the twins in jeans and ben 10 t shirts too in your daughter's honour? Then tell everyone how proud you are of her brilliant big sisterhood and general fabness and that you have let her be in charge of junior sartorial design.

Don't let her read this she might get ideas (the child ends up allowed to wear a self designed ninja dress...)

Thanks for all your comments!

The boys are not going in gowns but I have bought little Christening outfits for them. I'm just really hoping that we can reach a compromise over this. I still feel jeans and a T shirt are going to be inappropriate but have bought some "neutralish" what I would class as "smart" clothes today that I think she would get away with.

Spoke to my mum about this today. She pointed out to me that DD's world has been turned upside down by the boys' arrival and that I should make allowances for her. She said that most of us only have to get used to one baby brother at a time, and that can be hard enough, let alone 2!!

I really did try my best when the boys arrived not to let her feel left out, close family (most) and friends were all sensitive but unfortunately strangers on the street seem to go mad when they see twins, even though they are not identical.

mrsgreedy Your mum sounds lovely! And scummy I love your idea! You could decorate the house with Ben 10 bunting, have Ben10 plates etc! And what about a present and speech saying to best big sister?

Not read all posts, but in reponse to OP, -YES (as a mother of two tomboys (almost 10 and 7) and as a former tomboy who had a traumatic experience with my mother who once violently forced me to wear girl clothes somewhere).