need help controlling my anger

[bumbly]

have had invaluable advice over mumsnet esp over this topic - some tips have proven very helpful

but need it more than so this time

recently little one been ill just after a week with grandparents visiting

he is always cranky and naughty after being spoilt by them and being ill worsened it even more with vomiting bug and stabbed toe

now today seems bit better but tired and still sore and new nappy rash too

however he is becoming so disobedient as can be..compared to before - just talking simple things - so no mumsnetters telling me off here but he can understand eg stand still while i put shoes on etc

i just really badly screamed my head off at him today like never before and i really do think he is now scared of me...i almost had to leave house

but he is just not doing anything! he is told which he usually does and understands for his age 21 months

he sits down to get dressed by me but then will not sit still at all...no socks and shoes then today

he lies on mat for nappy change and now kicks me in breasts

he starts to go down stairs and stops for 15 min and i mean 15 so i carry him down and then he screams and climbs back up again with a massive tanturm cuz i interfered

today we were going to out but i got so mad at the time it was taking to do everything i finally for first time said nope i am showering for me and we stay in. needed to freshen up after days of washing non stop till 10PM with vomiting bug cliothes/sheets

i said to him i needed a 2min shower to freshen up and calm down

was getting so mad..i mean so mad

i needf advice to talk to him without resorting to shouting and even screaming my head off

how can i go about this?

how can i start? i always start softly, then sternly then give him ultimatums but then i simply end up screaming and today was REAL bad as he simply would not listen

he did stop and look at me but now i sadly know i have tought him to shout back as he had never experienced that before - i know he will see it anyway form others but i did want to minimise my screaming to him

help help help

am really a bad mum i know but any tips will help - how to discipline a 21 month old

You're absolutely not a bad mum, but I do think that some of the behaviour you have described is just normal for toddlers. My dd is 23mo, and is exactly like this. Sometimes I am a little curt with her, but lots of the time I try and count to ten.

I try to make sure that I leave plenty of time for things, the times I get the most stressed are when we are in a rush, and dd is dawdling.

I'm not sure you can discipline a 21mo in any way that they would understand. Sending positive vibes, and hoping that someone will come along with some good advice for you.

thanks for message

i just would love to try to to find a mini-system that works for me as obviously my character does not suit mumshoodness

Poor you, it is exhausting with visitors and a sick child. Don't feel like you are not cut out to be a mum, we all get frustrated sometimes.

I agree with Pinkjenny that this is normal toddler behaviour rather than disobedience. I found reading Penelope Leach really helpful - she explains why toddlers behave the way they do, and that they are not trying to annoy us - even though they often do! Maybe you could get a copy from the library?

Could you pop him in front of CBeebies when you are feeling exhausted and just have a sit down and a cup of tea in the next room? It sounds like you are at the end of your tether and need a bit of time to yourself. Is there anyone who could give you a break?

I honestly don't think anything you have described is 'disobedient' - just perfectly normal toddler behaviour and you need to think up other strategies/be flexible to deal with it.

So, some of the examples you have given, I would do/have done the following.

In respect of not getting dressed, DS1 started to refuse to do this when he was a similar age so (although this is probably 'frowned' upon) I would put one of his fave TV shows on, get him watching it and then threaten to turn it off if he didn't sit on my knee and get dressed. It worked like a dream and still does 12 months later

Messing about on the stairs - leave him to it! He will come down/up eventually - the more you stand over him asking him to move, the more fun it is. Turn a blind eye, go and sit in the lounge, do stuff in the kitchen - whatever. The fun will soon go out of it if you are not around.

I am no expert but have learnt that the key ways of dealing with a toddler is to just to try and think up other solutions/ways of doing things. The 'getting dressed' example- I always used to dress DS1 in his bedroom on the changing mat until he started refusing to come upstairs etc - realised it was easier to bring his clothes downstairs and do it there.

If all else fails, do what another MNer suggested.....when you feel yourself getting angry and stressed, open the fridge, stick your head in it and say 'for f*cks sake' under your breath a few times

and when he screams screams screams for food and wont let me heat food up for 5 mins even though am preparing well in advance before he shouldbe starving

does not like ceebeebies

could go on and on

will read posts now

Honey, he sounds normal. You can start by recognizing that his behaviour is due to him being just 21 month old, and not yet as rational as you want. He cant talk properly, yet, he cant really dress himself, he does not always understand that he needs to lay still when you dress him.

Your breasts are fabulous targets for kicking practice.

Can you try changing him while he stands up holding on to the sofa, or a child sized table?

It is so fun to wriggle legs and kick in the air. But it is not convenient for you.

Can you ensure that you are always "in good time" so you dont get so stressed? (I know, pretty difficult)

Can you always have some ricecakes, or grapes or breadsticks handy to give him while you heat up his food?

Sometimes the best strategy is to recognise that they behave normal, and you are getting stressed out of your brains. And to have diversion tactics handy and talk about what you are doing. Quietly and calmly.

Take a deep breath! Do you have anyone that can help out for a few hours - get some time to yourself.

Things like shoes on - bribery - come on lets go and look at that cat on dad's van - must put shoes on first.
Lets get dressed see if the garden is ok today! Make everything really exciting and talk nonsense! Seems to work for my 3 - i know it can be frustrating sometimes though and i do feel like shouting at them.
Are you giving him food that he can have cold? My DS1 used to love spaghetti hoops cold - yuk! But he loved them and would cry if they were heated up. - Put some fruit ont he table to pick at whilst your heating it up

As for stopping on stairs - leave him there provided he can get up and down himself - he'll be fine.

CBeebies - try CITV, Channel 5, a book -

Nappy change - try pull ups? Give him something to play with whilst doing it? Bribery again? Tell him a story about something really silly

Perhaps he is still under the weather and just needs a day chilling out and lots of cuddles? Nice walk in the pushchair - some fresh air might help both of you.

But you are not a bad mum - we have all been there, im sure we have all shouted at our children - i know i have many times - they are sent to test our patience to the very limit!

Oh, Ds is 19 months and he does ALL these things. You have to stop thinking of it as him disobeying you - he doesn't really understand the concept of obeying. DS kicks on his changing mat. I say no kicking, he laughs in my face etc. I just figure you have to keep saying it and one day they'll get it (and still ignore you!).

It's because you are tired that you aren't coping so well with it - it's not really about him. You won't be able to shape his behaviour massively at this age.

My only advice is distraction. I normally give DS his favourite toy, or the car keys or whatever to play with whilst I put shoes on. Even a biscuit if he's being particularly difficult.

Distraction tactics are best. But be aware, if he's been ill or is still ill, he'll be feeling irritated, tired etc himself. This will result in worse than normal behaviour.

Best advice is to get to bed early, and allow more time for getting out of the house or whatever you need doing.

Good luck, but he's honestly completly NORMAL and not badly behaved at all. This is just what they do. If you anticpate the fact that he'll be difficult about putting his shoes on, you won't be disappointed and annoyed when he is. You may even get a nice surprise one day!

I also suffer from a short fuse and have also lost it in the past with my dd. I find it helps to always imagine that getting them dressed or dinner is going to be a nightmare and say to yourself, right I know she's not going to want to put her shoes on and get out the door, so I'm going to use this strategy (many suggestions above), be forearmed! Now at 2.5 she is suprising me more with her co-operation.

Changing mat? Cout yourself lucky your DS stays on a changing mat, even if he kicks!!
My Ds hasn't got changed on a changing mat since he was nine months old! (he's now two).
We change him standing up, against the coffee table in the living room - and we use pull-up pants. Have done for ages?
Agree with others that this is all toddler normal behaviour. I have never understood how other people get out of the house so quickly. It's a major event for us and I do sometimes have to grit my teeth and swear under my breath, "FFS etc etc etc.." but I knwo it is a phase and will pass. Or so I am told.
try to take deep breaths and go with it, bumbly and do feel for you becasue I have seen your angst-ridden posts several times now. I have felt like you numerous times.

re. the food thing. My ds does that the minute I start to cook, whines and gets his high chair and attempts to climb in it. It is very annoying and distracting. when he does this , I give him a small bowl of rice krispies or raisins - something that takes him a long time to eat but doesn't fill him up. This does buy me some time and the whining does stop. Worth you trying?

Meant to add, tv is a great babysitter in the first part of the morning in our house and when I'm making dinner. I don't care what other people think of it; these people might have toddlers who are content to sit alone playing with their toys or colouring.
As I said on another thread,I can not be EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME to my child. I count too and I have things to do. Nobody can, unless they want to end up going nuts!

cbeebies is our friend

But yes, I'll second giving them something to be getting on with whilst I'm cooking. DS will also start climbing into his high chair the second I open the fridge or clank a pan....

Hear, hear Gateau. I don't know what I'd do without Peppa Pig and Grandpa in my blardy Pocket.

thanks will read all posts now...just been out for eve to calm down as hubby said i needed a break - so went for a walk

feel so low as sense little one not "connecting" with me..ignoring me and lal daddy tonight - fair enough

i did really lose it and he did look at me perplexed when i shouted my head off at him when at end of tether

but then i know he knows what i reprimanding him about and it is just that after going on and on about trying to get him to do something etc i do lose it

but also when i dont lose it and say carry him/dress him by force...etc HE is the one to lose it. not me

so no win situation as either of us is screaming

and i know where he learnt the screaming from

though hubby did say i only scream when he is naughty and never anytime else...so that gives me a very unlikely but you never know - glimmer of hope all he will forget my screams and be a good boy

but his memory is incredible for his age - remembers single events form ages bck so i do beleive he will remember his mum's behaviour today

off to bed and mull things over

any more tips appreciated the more the merrier..things like count to 10, any more tips...

help me

I agree with everyone else. It's not being disobedient, it's normal toddler behaviour. DS (19m) currently does nearly everything you describe, but having already had a toddler it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did first time around.

One thing that helps (aside from all the good advice on here) is the advice of asking yourself "will it matter in 10 years time if I let DS do this?". If the answer is 'no' then leave him to it (within reason, of course).

Currently in our house, talking in a very silly accent rather than shouting seems to calm a situation down...

oooh caotica that might be a useful tip - thank you - had a last glance before going to bed to get depressed

maybe also laughing - silly voice....now let me sleep over that

i need tips tips tips

just feel so useless

thans again loads - silly voice...thst may half some of my shouting....

Please don't feel useless - you are not useless - toddlers are hard work.

The best advice I'd offer you is to try to make things as easy and enjoyable as you can.

So - if your DS is being stroppy about being dressed - if you are not going anywhere, does he need to be dressed first thing in the morning? Sit him on your knee and dress him whilst he is watching the TV or whilst you are telling him a story - try to distract him.

If he won't lie down to have his nappy changed -change it standing up (but stick with nappy rather than pull up as you can put the nappy on whilst his trousers are just pulled down rather than off.

Unless he is putting himself into danger most bad behaviour/tantrums is better ignored - if he sees a reaction from you he will experiment - what reaction do I get from this behaviour? Ignore him and he will get bored, but praise and cuddle him for good behaviour, when he does as you ask him to.

When you want to have a shower - take him in the bathroom with you and play peekaboo round the shower curtain (what I used to do anyway) .
Does he have a regular nap? Sleep/ rest at the same time so that you are not getting stressed because you are over tired yourself.

Have you got a friend/family who can come round a couple of times a week to play with your DS whilst you get on top of the housework, so that you can spend time with him doing things which are enjoyable rather than getting stressed because you need to clean up but he is shouting for attention?

Remember how much you love him when he's asleep!!

One other thing you could try which always works for me is letting them work out the repercussions of their behaviour for themselves. For instance toddler refuses to get out of the bath or won't allow you to dress them. Explain calmly that they need to get out of the bath/put clothes on or they will get cold. If they carry on tantruming just relent and walk out of the room. Believe you me they will be crying to get out of the bath within seconds. And will think twice about repeating that scenario the next time.

Hi Bumbly,

I was just signing in to post as i am having he same problem, ie not controlling my anger enough these days. My child is 4 and has just started being really hard work, argues contantly and follows me around screaming anc crying until eventually i YELL!! It doesnt help the situation and i regret it. I know he is doing normal 4 year old stuff and all that, he has always been really good and reasonable and i've always felt like a gret Mum and have been told that constantly by others.
Anyway, I get up in morning with a positive attitude and think to myself, "i can handle anything today, its just a challenge, hes little etc" but by the time breakfast is over i feel like i wish i had boxing gloves and a punching bag in the garage because he DRIVES ME UP THE WALL!!!!!!!!

Does anyone have any advice on calming myself down, or ways to keep my cool. My oldest is 4, my youngest 2, we've had a dream run with these kids. I think maybe i'm suffering a type of burn out of the motherhood variety. Thinking of the next days battles is just depressing me.

Sorry can't post much as I need to dash, but have just recommended How To Talk So Kids Will Listen on another thread. It's brilliant for putting the responsibility in their hands, which makes them think up creative problem-solving ideas, rather than have you lose your temper when they don't do what you tell them.

You can start to put some of their principles into practice even now, at 21 mo (i.e. you need to be more creative - inspire and excite him about doing things like getting dressed: 'Shall we roar like a lion while we put on your socks?'; or present him with options: 'Shall we put on your socks or your trousers first?'). Then as he grows older the book will equip you with brilliant ways to stay creative and calm as a parent.

Best of luck!

You are getting lots of useful tips here bumbly, are you reading them? Is any of it sinking in? You keep going on about disobedience and the child not doing as he is told, and you screaming. I have the impression nothing is sinking in.

Re-read your thread, and stop stressing.

dom get out of my thread dont need this kind of agre on my own thread when am stressed enough

had posted lats night useful things were and as kate said any tips on calming myself down appreciated - some tips work for me but some dont that is why i ask for as many as poss and am sure this thread is helping others

dont mean to be rude but am sensitive so written things seem worse
but if you are having a go at me then dont

i am nto having a go at you just saying leave me alone!