need help controlling my anger

[bumbly]

have had invaluable advice over mumsnet esp over this topic - some tips have proven very helpful

but need it more than so this time

recently little one been ill just after a week with grandparents visiting

he is always cranky and naughty after being spoilt by them and being ill worsened it even more with vomiting bug and stabbed toe

now today seems bit better but tired and still sore and new nappy rash too

however he is becoming so disobedient as can be..compared to before - just talking simple things - so no mumsnetters telling me off here but he can understand eg stand still while i put shoes on etc

i just really badly screamed my head off at him today like never before and i really do think he is now scared of me...i almost had to leave house

but he is just not doing anything! he is told which he usually does and understands for his age 21 months

he sits down to get dressed by me but then will not sit still at all...no socks and shoes then today

he lies on mat for nappy change and now kicks me in breasts

he starts to go down stairs and stops for 15 min and i mean 15 so i carry him down and then he screams and climbs back up again with a massive tanturm cuz i interfered

today we were going to out but i got so mad at the time it was taking to do everything i finally for first time said nope i am showering for me and we stay in. needed to freshen up after days of washing non stop till 10PM with vomiting bug cliothes/sheets

i said to him i needed a 2min shower to freshen up and calm down

was getting so mad..i mean so mad

i needf advice to talk to him without resorting to shouting and even screaming my head off

how can i go about this?

how can i start? i always start softly, then sternly then give him ultimatums but then i simply end up screaming and today was REAL bad as he simply would not listen

he did stop and look at me but now i sadly know i have tought him to shout back as he had never experienced that before - i know he will see it anyway form others but i did want to minimise my screaming to him

help help help

am really a bad mum i know but any tips will help - how to discipline a 21 month old

I second MMH. I give choices for everything and it seems to distract my daughter, but she is quite amenable anyway.

ie socks on or shirt on first? shall we walk or shall we jump? Do you want to hold the bread, or the butter?

oh boy.

I get your point about your anger. You DO need help....

Fancy being 21 months old and on the receiving end of that!

Maybe you can talk to your gp about some anger management.

oh god you're not useless and I have the same probs as you too so it's not just you!! I am going to give you some tips but I can't seem to follow my own advice half the time! It sounds like you two need to laugh together and get more fun going and then he will be more switched on and 'compliant'.

My tips only work if I'm feeling up to it so not so helpful really but they really do work, so if you can possibly manage it:

Getting dressed:
Start of as a game - sit on a chair and hold up his top ready to put on his head and peer through the neck hole and shout - I'm coming to get you! until you get his attention. Then just sit there and keep peering through! Then start chasing him BUT before you get to him turn around and run away and he will turn and chase you. Once he gets to you - whip the top on to his head and arms in. Then pick up the trousers and repeat etc. He will be laughing his head off and really enjoy it. Then after a few times, you won't even need to get up off the sofa/chair - he'll do all the running back and forth!
Also if you can teach him to put his own shoes and socks on, he will get some feeling of control.

Kicking thing:
Anticipate he does this and you can understand why bearing in mind the position he's in etc BUT it's unacceptable. I would turn the mat round so you change him from the side too. I announce it's nappy change time and then say 'if you run to me I'll throw you in the air first'. Do that and then say well that was alot of fun go again and send him off to run back at you. He'll be laughing as you put him down on the mat and then you can tickle his tummy to continue the fun and then say very dramatically STOP! and then freeze yourself still then start changing nappy with the occasional STOP and freeze and he will copy you. If he starts kicking, say no kicking it hurts you and if he does it again, flick his nappy back on dirty if you have to and pick him up and put him sitting on the floor in a boring part of the room, tell him why and say he can stay there until he's decided to finish kicking and will say sorry. It is a phase I think too but can easily be averted by doing all the fun stuff and putting yourself to his side.

The Stairs:
Carry him to half way down the stairs and then leave him to it OR carry him all the way and instantly start doing a funny walk and then run off and he will laugh and chase you and then you chase him etc He'll soon associate fun at the end of the stairs and boring ON the stairs.

It does take a long time to get out of the door, so anticipate that and start earlier and do it in 3 stages with playing inbetween. Clothes, socks & shoes, coats and then go.

I think you need to come up with a routine, Bumbly, that makes sure that your own essential needs get met as much as possible. We (including myself among the short-fused parents) lose it when we don't get our own needs met. If you have the basics taken care of for you, or you know that they will be, it gets easier to look after demanding urchins LOs.

As much as possible I wait mine out when they are misbehaving, if we aren't in a rush, I just wait until they are bored with acting up and start cooperating; but this is much easier when I know my basic needs are met or definitely will be.

Dom - stop it, you are being unreasonable and unkind.

Oh and the food thing:

Can you clear a space on the work surface and plonk him up on it while you cook. I know it's a pain and stressful BUT it works really well for us as we have the same issues....

The Rules:
No fiddling with ANYTHING and no whining.

If they do, they are down on the floor and have to go away. If the don't, they get to stay up there and chat and stir (one thing once usually!) and taste and smell and choose which pasta etc etc. It is now quite fun and DD seems to eat her veggies up there rather than off her plate . It's a good start to teaching them how to cook and will provide a time and a place for important chats later. Our kitchen is shockingly tiny but now find I can manage easily enough with her there but rules do have to be enforced for safety reasons! No touching anything unless you've said it's ok!

oh and it's called 'The Edge' - that all important coverted spot on the worktop!

This woman has lost her rag with her baby since it was just a few weeks old. Maybe she really does need help controlling her anger, as much as she needs strategies for dealing with her baby.

She lost her rag with me, for asking her to read back on her thread as there were lots of useful advice that did not seem to sink in.

Your post was just mean and would have riled even the most mild mannered person.

Her post was absolutely fine and she was adding more of her thoughts in while acknowledging everyone elses reply and it's absolutely ok to say you want more tips. It's NOT the same as saying that the ones she's been given weren't good enough or that she hadn't noticed them.

And besides- you have only been critical of her, not added anything constructive at all.
Why?

I think it was pretty constructive to ask her to stop stressing and re-read all the good advice she got further down!

She posted on a public forum, if she is going to get stroppy each time nobody pussyfoots around her, then that is of course up to her!

"dom get out of my thread dont need this kind of agre on my own thread"

"i am nto having a go at you just saying leave me alone! "

-seems pretty out of control to me.

But I shall leave her alone.

domperignon is having a laugh so lets just ignore.

Bumbly, i remembered i was feeling like this over the summer so i used to get up before my husband went for work and either run or walk, just get out of the house on my own with my ipod and exercise. that really worked, made me a MUCH better mother, full of energy, positive etc. I cant do that right now as its wintery where i am.

I've just looked at another thread and am getting the following books:
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.
buddhism for mothers.

I'll let you know what they are like, i'm not buddhist or religious but apparently it helps keep mothers calm. fingers crossed!

Another thing, can you get your child into care while you do some study or something to make you feel good and give you a life? Thats what i'm going to do.

Bumbly

I think you are v honest and a nice mum

I felt like this a lot with my first, who is now 5. (yes he survived!)

however I don't with my second. I'm not saying have another baby, what I mean is that nowadays I EXPECT him to do this stuff, because he is just a baby ( bit older than yours) so it doesn't make me very cross.

I just factor it in and suck it up. The first one I thought letting him get away with this kind of thing was a disaster and he would rule my life forever, it made me so scared I felt I needed to control him and discipline him - when really I didn't and it made him behave worse.

If you look at really good mums you know, how they react with their little ones, it's usually like a kind of wry smile as though a baby being daft/ dispbedient just doesn't bother them at all or make them scared, because they know babies are supposed to do this stuff. So they don';t get cross and surprise surprise the child behaves much better.

The only times I get mad with this one is when I try and do other stuff and don't put him first. I mean like trying to type if he wants feeding etc, and ESPECIALLY if there are other people coming round or already there and I feel under pressure to make things nice for them, like tidying up and he keeps making more mess, or just talking on the phone.

However the less cross I get and the more I slow down and do things at hIS speed, reminding myself he is a tiny child and can't understand/keep up, and it's my job to let him do things r e a l l y slowly, the more I chill out and the better he responds.

Hope that helps a bit. You have to kind of let go of something else to be a nice parent. Everything else has to take a bit of a back seat and you do stuff more slowly.

And all the other people have to take their place behind him too, iyswim...I mean anyone visiting has to see that HE comes first and you won't shout at him so things are more convenient for him...I shouted at my two this afternoon cos this bloke turned up to visit, unannounced, and I had to stop what we were doing to be polite (he wouldn't bugger off or take a hint) so when he had gone I was behind, and took it out on them for a minute before ds asked why I was cross, and I told him I was cross with the man, not him, and I had a good old rant about the bloke instead.

Other people can look after themselves, he has got no one else so don't worry what others think about your house or anything xx

banned - your response has just put me to a halt - WOW!!! some amazing positive advice there...but will print this and reread your amazing words..you seem really able to put things into words

kate hope this helps you too and big squeezy hig to you.. will check out your book how to talk to kids!!!!

so has been the having a giggle from caotica!! - cuz giggling today did make me shout less..thank you - i looked at him today and thought come up giggle...

as far as chamaagne girl - i almost didnt post here anymore as i was upset by being told wasnt reading threads....i think people who have had easy babies always seem to critise those that have hard ones - THEY HAVE NJO CLUE! esp when i am honest enough to admit i have a problem

biscuit dressing game sounds fun - will try!!

ps coming down stairs comments - sitll dont feel confident to leave him to do it alone so have to wait around for him in case he falls!

Glad if it helps doll. I think 99% of parenting is having the confidence that one day they'll grow out of it!!! You kind of don't believe that with your first, ha ha

Bumbly - so glad yesterday was better. It really is a matter of adapting your parenting style to your child and lowering your expectations as to what they will/can do.

Anyway, just wanted to add that I had posted some advice very early on in this thread - I have by no means had it easy at all. DS1 is an extremely boisterous active child who needs constant entertainment etc - he is also very stubborn when he wants to be so I have had to come up with strategies to combat this. He is now 2.9 and, tbh, I am quite proud of how I have coped with him, although it is still not easy - as it is, his boisterousness and stubbornness make him the delightful, gorgeous child that he is and I wouldn't have him any other way (although it would be nice if he sat still for just 5 minutes a day )

So please don't assume that we have all had it 'easy' because that is not true.

bannedinternational your 100% right, i get mostly annoyed when they hold me back from doing stuff, and the answer is getting them sorted first. I've always worked from home so learnt that quite quickly. Your advice is spot on, i need to slow down and focus on being a Mum a bit more, but yeah, certainly i am a happier Mum when i'm managing to do stuff for me too so will find that balance again.

My DD is 4.7 and I find myself screaming at her on a fairly regular basis at the mo as she can be so bloody stubborn and cheeky.

The other day she refused to let me help her brush her teeth (and we had to be ready to go out). After a couple of attempts of trying to reason with her she was getting cheekier and I could feel myself winding up, so I just put down the toothbrush, went downstairs and carried on getting myself ready. Within 60 seconds she was downstairs apologising and asking me to brush her teeth!

So I would say walk away whenever circumstances allow. I know this is difficult though, especially with a younger child.

Bumbly - one thing that occurs to me from how you have phrased things - are you thinking that, because your ds once did things like being dressed and having shoes put on without complaining, he therefore knows deep inside that these are the 'right' things to do - are you thinking that he's therefore deciding to be wilfully disobedient when not doing them?

Only I think what's happening with a toddler that age is more that they've never really thought about doing anything other than going along with their parent before, at least not much, so while your ds may have learnt that certain things are the usual things to do, he probably hasn't got a proper understanding that they're the right things to do, that they're what he has to do - yet.

When he first decides in his head that he might like to do something different from the way you've always done it, he doesn't know that he's going to be reprimanded for not putting his shoes on - that's the sort of thing he's finding out now. Some things lead to mummy being flexible and letting him choose, some things will turn out to be things he has to do, mummy will explain and if necessary enforce. So it's after this toddler stage that he should know how much room for manoeuvre he's got and will have an idea of what counts as 'naughty' or 'wrong' - he's learning from you now which things are non-negotiable (e.g. pants or nappy back on now) and which things he's got some choice over (e.g. yes ok he can wear the blue t-shirt if he'd rather). Sometimes it'll take him a long time to learn that no, mummy will never ever let him do such and such a thing.

That earlier stage of older babyhood and the very young toddler stage, when he was amenable and did what you wanted, wasn't always him knowing what was the right thing to do, it could just be him not having not wanted to do what you wanted yet, if that makes sense.

Good luck, it's a stage that needs a lot of patience and most of us haven't got it - deep breaths and feeling infuriated go with the territory! There's an NCT book on Toddler Tantrums that's worth a look, too.

21 months IMO is the age where they have the desire to run their own show, but not the maturity of mind to make it happen. So they get frustrated when we try to interfere. They also don't understand that they can't have everything they want, when they want it.

It's not naughtiness or selfishness - it's something they have yet to learn. Don't take it personally - remember that you are teaching them, not punishing them.

Keep on explaining the reasoning etc, and soon it will start to sink in. My DD is 2y2mo and she is beginning to understand when I reason with her - she gets 'wait a minute' or 'peppa pig has finished for today', because i keep saying the same thing in the same situation. now she is starting to actually understand it and sometimes says it herself.

Be consistent - that is the key to this parenting lark, it seems!!