Oh FFS will he ever learn? Potty training is sapping my will to live and turning me into a shouty woman

[Washersaurus]

I fear I may be losing my sanity with DS1's potty training now - after about a year of it I have had enough. I can't stay calm anymore and he is useless at it. I have been reduced to shouting and I feel like crap about it. I am making matters worse and don't know how to sort it all out.

I'm so fed up, I can't afford the constant washing, and am getting bored of washing 3 loads every day.

He is starting school in September and there is no way he will be dry by then at this rate.

I have just had to put him in his bedroom out of my way because I am feeling so cross about it all.

Please don't be mean to me..I know I shouldn't have shouted. How can I turn this around - any ideas?

A friend of mine used to stick a sticker on the potty everytime he used it.

My mum swears by the fact that my db potty trained purely because she would feed him grapes whilst he sat there!

I know it must be frustrating but try not to get cross or upset at him, it will only make matters worse.

has he got an underlying issue which is stopping him training?

a year seems a really long time

I do know how you feel... have been there with dd1 who did get the hang of PT v well, but regressed several times (inbetween normal dry spells)

She never, ever, ever cared either (which I am glad about now, but at the time it did my head in)

IM(extensive!)E the ONLY thing that improved it and got it back on track was to ignore completely. Completely step back, no fuss, no comments (positive or negative)

How old is DS?

friend of mine son had similar . and was underlying medical problem but all ok now.
go see GP

Agree with the others though, rule out medical cause first. One of dd1's wet phases was because of an UTI

He will be dry, you know - they all are. (Not at night though - lots of them are still in nappies in Reception, whatever the other mothers tell you!)

I would sit him down and say that it looks as if he's not ready and how about going back into nappies for a month or two and when he wants to try again to tell you. Then just forget about it for a while, have a nice time together, get yourselves back in balance. Then when he tells you he's ready (and he will) try again. It will work, I promise.

He is 4 in July. We have tried stickers etc which only worked in the beginning.

I shouldn't have to change his pants and trousers every 15 - 30 minutes. How can I ignore it? If I don't say anything he makes a fuss and then poos himself or wees on the floor.

I have tried him back in nappies a while ago and that made it worse as he is so damn lazy about it.

He has just come back downstairs in more clean trousers. He said he pooed himself upstairs and put the poo in the toilet and the dirty pants in the nappy bucket - so why didn't he just sit on the toilet?

I suppose I will take him to the doctors, but IME they are pretty unhelpful about this sort of thing.

dd1 and ds1 had accidents all through reception.

ds1 is yr 2 and still has occasional accidents.

i (lol) am about as madwoman as you can get, as have exhausted shouting long ago.

it's not just my crap potty training though - dd2 was dry day and night at 2. some kids just take longer.

agree with the 'don't sweat it' advice, but it's soooooooo hard to follow.

oh, and dd1 was only eventually dry at night at 8, and i had pretty much lost hope of that ever happening.

if you've checked for uti's, they won't do much else until he's 5. daytime wetting until then is still within completely normal parameters. (actually, still is after that too, they just recognise it becomes more of an issue for social reasons...)

even if you are shouting at him it is still attention
they are funny things and any attention is fine by them

I had this trouble with 3 and a half yearold dd2

in the end I coulnd't cope and decided that I would just ...well, give up, in a way

I just changed her when she was wet and said nothing ever about it

Ignoring is HARD but effective

I had to completely back off. No reminders. No gentle persuasion, or bribes, or cajoling to use the toilet

If dd wet herself, I'd say very simply "DD, you're wet. Go and get yourself changed please". If she refused to, I'd change her but in a very low-key (ie, silent) way

Likewise, if she came to me saying she'd wet I'd say "Ok, go and get changed then"

Most importantly, you have to COMPLETELY SHUT-UP about the whole issue. Don't talk about it, don't reward or praise good potty/toilet use - it has to become a non-subject, as it were. You are giving it a whole load of attention (conscious or unconscious) and he is acting out on it

I don't mean to sound patronising, but I so know where you're at!

He will sort it out, Seeker is right

And don't worry about Reception. There are several dc in my dd's class that have had accidents. I think it's part and parcel of Reception life for a while

I agree with stepping back approach, use nappies, TRY to relax about it. Also rule out medical reasons.

Does he have friends or cousins that are toilet trained? After you have gone back to nappies keep mentioning (lightly but fairly frequently) in passing how they are big boys/girls and use the toilet and wear pants. Then every week or so, try giving him the pants/nappies choice when getting dressed, one day he will hopefully decide for himself that he wants pants and suddenly all will be well. That is how I finally got there with my DS, who also seemed lazy and totally unbothered about wet/soiled underwear. I think the fact that me and DH were getting so wound up about it just perpetuated the situation. It was as if as soon as he thought we weren't bothered if he was in nappies he decided he would prefer not to be. September is still quite a long way away so try not to panic. Good luck.

I just don't seem to be able to stay calm about it anymore. It all seems worse now that DS2 (who isn't 2 until July) has now started pushing his nappy down and sitting on the potty. He probably thinks I'll have a go at him too with all the shouting he hears

When I put him in nappies or washable nappy pants he sneakily takes them off and put his pants back on...and then wets himself.

Oh, and he has just wet himself again! FFS

Try and remember... he is only 3

He's a baby

I suppose I should get off here and do some parenting. I was just feeling so cross I need to vent.

Thank you for your advice etc. I will def take him to the doctors. When I called the HV she said she would see if she could find me a leaflet! very useful

Aww, don't feel bad! Believe me, I can empathise with you. But this all occured for me a long time ago now and I have the benefit of hindsight

I'd bypass the HV if I were you and go to GP just to rule out an UTI

Then start the ignoring in earnest. Trust me, you will notice a difference (even if not to the wetting/soiling, to your stress level)

I think I worked out that for 3yr old dd, wetting was just NO BIG DEAL (and why should it be, really, to a 3 yr old?!) She could just simply get changed and carry on with whatever she was doing. It was me doing all the stressing! When I eliminated all the stress, everything improved... she worked out it was easier in the long run to just go to the toilet, I worked out that a wee-in-the-pants to a yr old just doesn't matter, and we just sort of forgot about it

oi Washersaurus! lift that head up now!

it can be hard work please don't feel bad though, getting cross with yourself isn't going to help the situation any more than getting cross with him. It'll happen eventually and don't even start worrying about being dry at night

you never know, if your ds2 manages a few wees on the potty, maybe ds1 will get all competitive and train himself....

It does sound as if you started too soon(hindsight is a wonderful thing!) I REALLY think you should go back to nappies, get calm and sorted about it, then try again - as if you had never done it before. New start.

Now go and have a cup of tea and a biscuit!

Hmm feeling a bit better after your kind words and some tea and toast

DS1 goes to preschool 2 days each week and I don't think they will be up for changing nappies - I think the wet pants are bad enough!

We started potty training briefly about a year ago - I gave up as he wasn't ready and left it until his 3rd birthday to try again. He was doing really well for ages; just a couple of accidents each day. Then he regressed....

He does know when he needs to go but sometimes ignores it until too late. One of the real issues is that he seems to wee every 10-15 minutes and not just a tiny amount like you would expect from a UTI, but proper big wees. He has always been a heavy wetter.

I had this with dd till 5 years. I also still have it (very occasionally) with ds2 who is now 7, and is very lazy, and leaves things to the last moment.
They are twins, and they know it is a way to get my attention. I saw someone called a Potty Training Nurse referred by GP. She set my mind at rest about dd aged 4, and made it clear to me it was an attention thing and to BACK OFF. That really helped. Ds2 who was no problem then started copying her
So it can be related to attention.

I do think back to when they were 3 and wonder whether I was much more uptight about it then than I am now when they are 7!! Bit sad really.
I think you just have to take the line there will be lots of accidents for a while and forge bravely ahead.

He is still only 3 and a half. Some people don't even start potty training till then . You have had a hard time. It is only the luck of the draw that he is going to school so early, so don't stress about that. Teachers will have to support him if it continues, it is not something you can help that he is a July baby.

My advice, on a more practical note, is to get a nappy bucket with a tight fitting lid. Just rinse all clothes and pop in bucket, do only 1 wash per day (with a colour catcher if you are bothered).

I have a 4 yr old DS with CP, the neurologist says he may have the muscle tone to come out of nappies. If I did 3 loads of washing/drying per day on top of all the general laundry I would go nuts (and bust!)

We are only 2 weeks in so I'm still fairly serene about the whole thing on the surface, but felling thankful that I have hard floors downstairs!

Just wanted to say...I agree in principle with the matter-of-fact ignoring it and changing with no comment (and that's what I try to do most of the time). But poo in pants does make me cross, and why should I pretend it doesn't?

Try to think of what would make this phase easier for you. Nappies? Staying outside/in non-carpeted room with a bare bottom? A sticker chart for yourself (and when you've changed 10 pairs of wet or poo pants YOU get a treat?).

Good luck.

It is common for children to regress in potty training. I know it's hard but try not to stress about it. He potty trained once so he can do it again.