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Parenting

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Original poster

i have to stop treating youngest dc like he is king

31 replies

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:00

i want this now,not that one,no mummy,do it like this,carry me,not those shoes,blah blah blah.

basically he is king,i am servant.he wants to be carried room to room,will lay on pavement screaming because he wants to go different way home,wont do anything for himself but nothing is ever right.hes 3 and 3rd child.i give 2 choices when i can so for example'these socks or these socks.but sometimes-as in we must leave the house-theres no choice.and sometimes it gets stupid-not that bowl at dinner time,no i said that one,not that knife and fork etc till everything in cupboard is dirty.

at nursery they say hes an angel but they also said they call him contary and ignore him when he gets his grump on.

i know i just have to stop giving in but sometimes-like when going to school or trying to get older 2 dcs homework done its easier to give in.

help.

god-i know im being a dumbarse and letting a 3 year old walk all over me.and i cant seem to get into words quite how hard he is.

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plug · 28/04/2009 10:10

He's your third child so you know the answer .

Be firm, calm and consistent. You will go through a period of hell, then once he realises you're not going to give in, things will improve. But you knew that .

Lizzylou · 28/04/2009 10:12

DS2 is 3 and we often comment that he completely rules our house.
In fairness he spent the first 2 years of his life "fitting in" around DS1's plans, now I think he is asserting himself
We are addressing the situation.

AlmostLivingTheDream · 28/04/2009 10:12

give him a limit (ie when you have just had enough and there are no further choices) and stick to your guns.

He needs to know when he has crossed the line, just as he does at nursery.

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Original poster

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:14

i know,i know.
but how-without become alcholoic???(joke btw)
how long will hell last?

today he didnt want to go to school,or take dd and ds1 to school(which obviously we have to do-no choice) so i said after lots of trying gentle persuasion,right were off without you and pretended to leave.very naughty i know but didnt work any way so i had to half drag,half carry him.

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Original poster

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:14

lizzy- how??

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smugmumofboys · 28/04/2009 10:16

DS2 has a tendency to be like this (he's 4): DH and I call him Little Lord Fauntleroy! But, like Lizzylou's DS2 he spent the first three years of his life fitting in with DS1.

Being calm, firm and consistent is obviously the way to go, but I can't say I achieve that all the time as the capriciousness gets rather wearing.

AlmostLivingTheDream · 28/04/2009 10:17

don't ever threaten anything you won't be able to carry out.

Just try a simple one first like 'no TV after tea' and then you can follow through on it...

hell? roughly two or three weeks maybe less

plug · 28/04/2009 10:18

Well, if he was refusing to get in to his car seat or pushchair for example, I would calmly say "it's time for school, we don't want DC1 & 2 to be late. You can climb in yourself or I'll lift you in and strap you - you choose". Then if he still refuses, pick him up and strap him in - job done. Ignore the screaming and get the others to school. On the days when he gets in himself, make a huge fuss of him. Also you could think about a sticker chart for those times which are regular nightmares.

Lizzylou · 28/04/2009 10:21

Cheesearnie, we are following Plug and Smugmum's calm firm and consistent line.
He is sent to the step for time out, and I am desperately trying to not give in to him for the sake of an easier life.
He also loses toys/treats if he misbehaves.
I have found that since he has been potty trained he is a bit easier as he is reveling in his new "big boy" status.

Lizzylou · 28/04/2009 10:23

Plug I did exactly that with DS2 the other week, he ended up being carried overmy shoulder and straped into the car with no coat or shoes on.
My neighbours were giving me sheepish grins (they all hhave older DC, so have been there) and he spent the entire journey shouting
"Stop the car NOW! Get my shoes on NOW"
I just turned the radio and tried to speak with DS until he calmed down.
No problems since (frantically touching wood now!).

TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino · 28/04/2009 10:24

I think with the not wanting to take the other kids to school example that you have described maybe you are talking too much

you tell him he needs to come (not lots of gente persuasion, thats attention he will revel in) and when he doesn't do it you just say 'oh well, you didn't choose to come on your own so now I will take you'

then just carry him to car/put him in buggy/ take hand and walk

let him be dragged with no talking if thats what he does
he wont do it for long if he gets no attention for it

dont dirty alol the crockery/cutlery

give him two choices of cutlery and he chooses and thats it no matter what he says after that

if he wont choose you say 'oh well you didn't choose, I will choose for you' and then ignore all fallout

I'm no expert at doing this btw on my own kids or anything but I do try very hard and dd2 has improved alot

plug · 28/04/2009 10:26

I can definitely say it doesn't last long and it will get better (my youngest is 6 now) but you really need to get this sorted now while he's still small enough to scoop up and carry easily

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:28

i do talk to much.

i hadnt realised untill you said trinityi could actually cry.

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Original poster

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:30

and yes to threats i cant carry out.like i'll leave you at home then(god it sounds awful).

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TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino · 28/04/2009 10:31

oh no dont cry
please dont cry

and no it doesn't sound awful
sometimes we are just too close to wood to see the trees
its ok, you can turn this around now

Lizzylou · 28/04/2009 10:33

Cheesesarnie, I did exactly the same, it was only watching other Mother's that I realised where I'd been going wrong.
You'd think we'd have learnt with the older one's but as Trinity says very rightly, sometimes you just don't see what is going on right under your nose.

plug · 28/04/2009 10:33

Don't cry

You've done the really hard bit, which is to realise there's a problem, take a step back and identify it. Now you just need to work out a plan of action and stick with it for as long as it takes.

Good luck

TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino · 28/04/2009 10:34

I threatened to cancel dd1's 9th birthday just a month or so ago

no I know that I shouldn't have BUT I also knew that she would beleive that I would and that she would crack and tell me the truth

she had lied and I knew she had but I needed her to admit it so I could punish her (she has just started lying and I'm trying to nip it in the bud/make her realise how wrong it is)

so dont feel bad cheese, we all do things not quite right sometimes

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:34

no i wont really dont worry!
but i can see that probably is one of biggest issues!im talking constantly and trying far to hard to keep the peace but its going the opposite way and hes getting lots of attention and being treated like a grand king.

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ABetaDad · 28/04/2009 10:34

cheesesarnie - for moment there I was wondering why you are you looking after our DS2.

Oh yes he was "a little angel at nursery" and now "loved by everyone at school" but totally rules the roost like a little prince absolutley doted on by teacher and class mates alike. Total and absolutely contrary nightmare at home. Knows exactly how to stay just one hairs breadth this side of getting told off and behaves like we are his servants while smiling ever so sweetly. For example:

DS: Dad I wanted Parmesan cheese grating on my pizza because I don't like stringy cheese.

Me: You had stringy cheese last week when we went to Pizza Express and I have cooked it now so just eat it please.

DS: I only like it in the restaurant not at home. TAKE THE CHEESE OFF!

Me:

My advice, is try not to rise to it if you can and try to put in place reasonable red line boundaries he knows he cannot cross. Try and also teach 'please and thank you' if he wants something but 3 is a difficult age.

Poledra · 28/04/2009 10:36

cheesesarnie we all say things we regret - when DD2 was 2 and refusing to walk, I said I was leaving her, and walked away leaving her sitting in the middle of our lane. 4-yo DD1 burst into tears because she thought I would actually leave DD2 there, and she might get run over by a car . It's so easy to do when you;re at the end of your tether.

I don't have any advice other than what the others have said here. You will sort this out, you can do it.

PinkTulips · 28/04/2009 10:43

cheessarnie, just be grateful he believed you on the threat!

i tried it on ds1 in the supermarket once.. 'fine, dd and i are going, bye' and walked off and he didn't move! he was still standing there with this awful sad face 20 mins later with me stood at the end of the aisle refusing to go back and dd running messenger between us and lots of people giving him pitying looks and acting as if the were about to call security on the sad little lost boy i ended up carrying him anyway

i agree with the others btw, less choices, less talking, one warning and then dicipline.

Original poster

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:45

what kind of disapline?

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Original poster

cheesesarnie · 28/04/2009 10:46

you would have thought be 3rd child id be ok at this parenting lark!

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PinkTulips · 28/04/2009 11:02

we use the naughty step and we take away treats, depending on what he's done and where we are at the time.

i also offer rewards for good behaviour ie; 'if you're a good boy until dinner you can have a chocolate treat after dinner' and if he starts to cause trouble i'll say 'oh dear, that's not being very good is it, i guess you don't want your chocolate treat then?' which is very effective somedays and not at all others

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